Monday

I have a bad case of the Mondays!  I am looking forward to the holiday break.  I'll have extra time to be with my son which is always nice too.

Yesterday was a bad day.  I won't elaborate much but it was too much drama for me.  One of those days you can't wait to leave behind you.  In the evening though my son came home from being with his dad and I made a nice dinner, well two dinners so we have a few dinners for the week, and I put up the tree.  My son and the kids who live with us decorated the tree and put out the Christmas decorations, which I was in no mood to take care of so it worked out well, and the day ended fine.

I don't have much Christmas spirit.  I'm currently faking it for the sake of my child. 

I really have no idea what to say about this right now.  I miss James a lot.  I think of him often, obviously.  I sure wish he was in my life.  I've written so much about the reason for the silence, and I honestly believe that it is not a conscious choice.  I believe with all of my heart that James would rather talk with me than stay quiet.  But that still does not help the fact that I miss him so much, and it hurts.  I don't mean to be a baby about it.  It just makes me feel sad that I can say "Merry Christmas" to anyone I know, or email them or text them or call them to talk- and get a response but only with this one single person it is different.  The one person I want to talk to most in the whole world.

Who wouldn't be sad?

I woke up this morning and missed him so much.  I remember every last little sweet thing about him, and he is so damn cute.  He has a beautiful face.  Gorgeous blue eyes.  A great smile.  He's entirely handsome... perfect.  Not that looks are everything but he's what I want and it aches.  I ache for him.  I remember how sweet it was to have that amazingness near me, in my arms, kissing him and hugging him and being close to him.  I remember all of the sweet kind loving things he would say to me, and it is bittersweet to remember.  I am not "dwelling."  It is just good for me to remember who he really is, and he really was very wonderful to me.

Perfect, for me.  Perfect for me.

James told me he loves me like a million times in the time we were together.  And more than that, he showed me too.  I can't get over it.  You just can't understand!  You can't understand how it feels to know THAT is truth and this is not.  It drives me out of my mind.  He called me very cute little name, and I particularly liked "honey."  I can still hear his voice in my head telling me, "I love you honey."  He has a kind voice.  That is a good word to describe it.  He is like all "guy" but he is also gentle.  He was always very gentle with me.

That is what makes me feel like I am living in an alternate {and often wrong} universe.  Because James was super protective of me.  He always checked to see how I was doing or feeling, and he was careful with me.  Like he wanted to make sure I felt comfortable or that I didn't feel nervous.  He always reassured me of his love and affection.  He told me all the time that he enjoyed being with me, enjoyed my company and liked just sitting and holding me and talking to me and kissing me.  He was the definition of a gentleman in every way.

So this is hard for me.  He always enjoyed talking to me, and I know he still likes hearing from me.  It might sound strange but I just know he would speak with me if he could.  He wants to, and I have to remember that because I am just as "bad" as anyone else going through this and sometimes my brain freaks out and I start to doubt his feelings for me.  Yet I know he loves me.  He told me and I know he does.  And this is why I am here, doing this.  Trying.  Wanting him and only him.  I try to not even notice cute men.  Because let's face the facts- I've been pretty much celibate for over three years.  James came back and I made love with him and he's the only man I've made love with since he's been gone.  So... I AM human.  I have to kinda avoid even going out much because I need to stay strong and the truth is it is not always easy.  But I want James.  He is the one I want.  He told me I am his 1%, that only 1% of women are compatible with him but that I am his 1%.  He told me I am the woman he had wished for.  Ugh- I know he meant those things.  And we should still be together.

And I know he is wonderful.  And I miss him and his wonderful love.  So much.  I'd do pretty much anything to be with him again.  I am battling.  Believe me.  I want so much to hear from him again where he is gentle and kind and loving and open.  Like we were before.  Like we should be.  That is us.  We should be talking and laughing and saying Merry Christmas.

When I saw his face this past spring- I could barely believe it.  It was so wonderful to see his beautiful sweet face again and to hear his voice and he hugged me.

He hugged me.  Like, come on.  Come the fuck on!  I know he wanted to see me, was hoping to see me again.  I know it.  And he was happy to see me.  And he wanted to make love to me and hold me and kiss me and be close with me.

And I miss him so fucking much.  SO much.  I cannot control how much I miss him.  I am so entirely in love with James, and it... it is such a challenge.  Of course I freaked out after I saw him.  I got a hit of him and all I wanted was more.  I WISH to have him back in my life where he could just stay with me.  Stay in contact.  Be there.  Like normal.  Like he was when we first met.

That is really all I want.  It is my wish, my one wish, to have him in my life.  I want to live with him and love with him and be married to him and have him as our family.  I want to love him and take care of him and cook for him and make love with him every night and be so so good to him.

All I want to do is love him, but like really love him.  Here in my life and in my BED love him.  I miss making love with James.  When he was here he made love to me, and that was making love.  Real genuine love and I want more of that.  I want to be naked with him.  I want to make him moan.  I want to make him feel so good.  I just want to be close and kissing and making love and talking and laughing and having pillow talk.

Pillow talk.  He loves pillow talk.  When we dated he would not even have sex with me if we did not have time for "pillow talk."  He didn't want it to feel like "sex."  He wanted ample time to love me and hold me and be with me- that is the man he is.

I know this.  And it frustrates me to no end because I am longing and aching to speak with him again.  To know him again.  This is killing me; it aches so deeply.  I feel like I want to climb the walls or scream.  But often I just cry.

I miss having him sit on my couch and touch my face and smile at me and kiss me.  Those kisses.  Ugh- sweet wonderful kisses.  Hours of kisses.  And I want to kiss him again so much.  He is the best kisser and I ache for his touch and his kiss.  It is actually painful, this longing.  And I can't help it.  It is always there, the desire to feel his hands on me, to see his smile, to hear his voice and laugh.  I would love to hear James laugh again.  He has a cute laugh!  And we laughed a lot.  It was so fun being with him, fun.  Because he is friendly and funny and personable.  And he made me laugh.  He made me feel totally comfortable and safe.

Safe.  I felt safe with him, very safe.

It was my own personal heaven having him in my life.  I cannot get past that.  I miss him.  I want him in my life so much.  I miss having him in my life like I did.  He is wonderful.  He is a gift.  Of course I miss him and want him back- who wouldn't?  He treated me like I am precious.  He showed me how much he loves me.  He said the sweetest kindest things to me.  He was generous and kind.  He took the time and made an effort to see me; he made me a priority.  He showed me that he wanted to be with me, that he valued me and thought I was just as wonderful.

I hurt inside.  This aches.  It aches in a way I can't find the right words to explain.  Like something really important and special is missing from my life, and it is irreplaceable.  He is irreplaceable.  I want only him.

I love James.

I wish he was here.  I wish I would hear from him soon.  My heart totally aches for him.  I would do anything to hold him and kiss him and share love with him.  I want him with me forever like we talked about. There is nothing more that I want in the entire universe. 


And that is how I feel. 

All I want for Christmas is you.

Jennifer

Stubborn Love

Maybe you could call my love "stubborn love." 

I love this man.  I love him from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep at night.  And, honestly, I long for the escape of sleep so I go to sleep when my son does but I know I am going to wake a few hours later, thinking.  More thinking.  I can't even explain it.

I was not like this before I met James.  I've always loved hard but not like this.  I was able to let go and move on before.  I care about those people but they are in my past and I am okay with that.  But James?  I love him so much, to where I only want him. And I have never believed in something so strongly.  I believe I am going through some kind of "metaphysical" energetic experience with him.  I can't explain it.  I don't really like the term "twin souls" but we are linked somehow.  No one else out there reflects me like he does.  And I have never loved anyone like this to where nothing matters to me but having him back in my life meaning... nothing that happens {that I don't really like} matters to me, not really.  I will admit some of it is hard to forget although I try really hard not to think of it.  I AM human and my brain rushes off and I have to reign my thoughts in.  But none of those things make a difference to how much I love James or how much I want him back with me.  All that matters to me is him and his love.  I know I will always love him.

But it is these times of quiet that... push me out of my mind.  I go through irritation, frustration, anger over the situation until finally all I really am left with is praying, wishing and trying to stay focused on what I want, those things that are loving and good.  Oh and sobbing or writing on the blog because otherwise I feel like I might explode.

Weird things have been happening to me.  I don't know if they are coincidences or if it is the universe showing me that I will get what I focus on.  The other day I picked my son up from the YMCA and he mentioned something to me.  We talked about this thing for a moment and then the very next day that thing happened.  That very thing, and it was pretty specific.  Also I have noticed if I talk about something or I write about it then I will dream about it.  I know dreams can come from anywhere, from my own mind, but it's just too weird.  I'll write that I want to avoid something, like a habit, and then I will dream of that very thing.  Either it is one big coincidence or else somehow I am thinking/writing/saying something and it is either happening or else I'm dreaming about it.

So what does this show me?  Definitely only focus on what I wish to see more of in my life. 

Do you have an fucking idea how challenging that is?

I am so freaked out about this that I refuse to use specific examples here.  Except to say I would love some extra cash right now to catch up on my finances and to get some things done around my house.  Some home improvements would be really nice.  Paying down some credit.

*sigh*

I'd really love it if James were here with me.  I look back at all of my blog posts and find such deep feeling in them.  I wrote more before.  I don't as much now.  Not in my journals either.  I probably should because when I write I feel.  And I stay more focused as long as I am not being pissy.  Sometimes when I write here and it is all about how much I love him I feel silly.  But it helps me.  I get so much emotional that wells up inside of me and I don't really have anyone to share it with.  I love James so much, and I do miss him.  I remember how sweet he was to me and how hard we fell in love and how wonderful it was to share time with him and then I cry.  I cry because we miss the ones we love when we wish to have those people near us.  I wish he was near me.  I wish I could hold him for a very long time.  I wish I could touch his sweet face and kiss his lips.  I want to see his face again, his beautiful smile.  I want to hear his voice.  I dream of us being like we were when we met, back when this felt real and easy.  It was real.  And easy.  Truth.  We were two nice people meeting and enjoying each others company.  Normal and right.  I look back and it aches to remember how easy it was with him.  He is easy to talk to!  Easy to be with.  Peaceful.  I could talk with him for hours and I felt comfortable with him.  I really did, at ease.  When we were together I felt "home."  He was fun to be with.  Friendly and silly.  We smiled and laughed a lot.  He joked with me but never at my expense.  He was respectful to me, gentle.  Considerate.  My brain just can't comprehend all of this.  James and I are meant to be how we were then.  Together and loving each other.  We should be talking!

And kissing.  We kissed a lot and it was great and I love kissing him.  I am aching to kiss him!

That's what blows mind mind.  We should be talking, kissing, holding hands and being all loving and sweet together.  I've told the universe and I think I've told James that the day I hear from him and he sounds like "himself" again is the day I will believe that what I am being told is "the truth."  The full truth.  I know how the man I met and fell in love with "feels."  He feels soft and understanding. Loving. Warm and caring.  Respectful.  Mature yet kinda silly.  He would be caring and kind to me, and definitely understanding.  Compassionate.  When I hear from that person then I will know I am talking with James, the James I know.  I miss James so very much.

I sound like a broken record I know but seriously I fucking ache to be with him.  I want the truth.  I want who I know he is.  He told me he loves me and to accept that, and I do.  I do accept it but I surely wish I could know him in my life again.  When it comes to this situation what matters to me is him, him and me together.  Us.  I do care about James and his happiness.  I hope wherever he is right now he is happy and doing well.  But I still feel like we are meant to be together, and I know he loves me.  And when you love someone but are away from that person it does not feel good- and I know he misses me.  He said he loves me and always has and he wants me to be in his life.  He's told me he wishes I was with him cuddled in his arms- I know that is the truth.  I want truth now.

And I really can't speak of this to anyone.  There is nothing to say besides I love him.  I do.  I love him and he is the only man I want in my life so I keep on hoping and focusing on what I want which is him.  James.  I wish I would hear from him soon.  I wish I could see him over the holidays.  I want to go on a date with him like we used to, walking and laughing and talking freely, holding hands.  Easy and fun.  That would be the best present ever.  More train kisses.

I keep imagining seeing his face again.  He has a beautiful face.  I thought so from the moment I saw him... bright and shining.  Friendly and cute.  Beautiful.  He's adorable and it really squeezes the fuck out of my heart to think so strongly about him, to want him so much- but I can't help it.  I would do anything to know James again like I did before when things were honest and real between us.  I know we love each other.  Nothing happened to change that love.  It has always been there.  But I really really want to talk with him again.  You have no idea how badly I want to hear my Love's sweet voice.  I pray.  I write.  I sometimes cry and beg God.  Please... I need James back in my life.

And God... I know there is "something" out there that hears me.  It has in the past.  There have been far too many times when I've prayed to "God" and what I have prayed about has shown itself in my life.  So to me that means something is out there and it hears me.  Whether or not I address it is "God" does not make a difference.  Whether or not I address it at all does not matter but old habits die hard so I still talk to "God" because why force myself not to?  And right now I am telling God how much I need James with me.

He once told me he needs me.  He said he needs me in his life.  I feel it is okay for me to say- "I need him."  I really do.  Want or need or whatever- I am not peaceful or content right now.  I try to be as thankful as I can for the blessings in my life but my heart aches for James.  I wish I could be as happy as I was when he was here with me but I know I will only achieve that level of happiness when he is back in my life.  When I can talk with my loving friend again, for real.  I would be so happy to do so.  I would be so happy to look into his eyes and touch his face and kiss him and smile at him and laugh with him again. 

I love James.  I wish he was here with me.  I wish I was looking forward to him coming over to visit me, knowing I'd be able to sit and talk with him and kiss him and laugh with him again.    I wish I could hug him and make him feel good too, show him how much I love him.

I'd really love that, being close with him again.

Jennifer

My Everything

Another song that expresses how I feel.

Today I read something that reminded me so much of James. It sounded like him. Brilliantly expressing an opinion and a response to an article yet respectful. Reading it made me remember what it was like having discussions with him. How he is fact-based and level-headed and has a big warm heart. Memories make me ache.

I began thinking back to all the times we have gotten closer since he has been gone. For a while we'd talk from time to time. And he was sweet. I used to wonder why I would get messages at all hours of the night, like 2AM. He once emailed me the 80's song "Obsession" and told me it made him think of me. He said "You're my obsession Jennifer."

It is hard to realize I had James close many times but I didn't get it. I look back and see how he really wanted to see me and be with me. How we would get on the phone and talk for 4 hours or 3 hours and text for another hour. He told me he loved me and wanted me to be his forever. I think one of the sweetest things he ever told me was that I'm genuine and it is rare and hard to find and he thinks it is what he loves most about me. Genuine.

I'd like to think I'm genuine. Normally with me "What you see is what you get." But I thought it was wonderful that he said he loves me most because I'm genuine. Those are bittersweet memories. I wish I had him back in my life like that, all sweet and warm and sexy and loving and gentle and kind. Fun. He is fun and silly and friendly and sexy all in one. Perfect. I miss my Love.

It is hard for me not to think about how much I love James. I know it has been a while but he is irreplaceable to me. Men like him are the "Once in a lifetime" type. I miss him so much. I think back to when he was here and how he held me and kissed me and how amazing it was to finally see his adorable face again. And to hear his voice and feel his gentle touch. Seeing him again after so long was beautiful. I wish I could see him again. I want to hug him and hold him and kiss him.

I really wish I could hug and hiss him again.

I never knew, before meeting him, that I could ever love a man and miss him as much as I do James.

Good night,

Jennifer

Stay

I heard this song today. Absolutely beautiful lyrics, sweet voice. Hearing it brought tears to my eyes.

I know people everywhere are suffering and my heart goes out to them. I suppose we all have our own battles. This human thing is a challenge.

But this song *sigh* I wish James could have stayed with me. We were such a perfect fit in all ways. I love his mind. I agree with so much that he feels strongly about so it was interesting to talk with him. For hours.

I remember our first conversation. We had emailed and he asked to talk right away which was refreshing. I called him and he had the cutest voice!! OMG. I just remember how stimulating he was. I could have talked with James forever because we click. Funny how I did not understand Atheism at all when I met him but by the time we made love I was glad he was Atheist. I could understand it and I do even more now.

The irony is none of that matters anyway. If I had him in my presence the last thing I'd want to talk about is that. I'd want to kiss him like we used to kiss. I miss his kisses.

So much!

I ache! I wish. I wish he could have stayed and we would probably be married now and even maybe have a child. That truth makes me cry. I miss him. I ache to share with him all that we discussed.

I wish he could have stayed.

Here and there I've been blessed with knowing that sweet man I met and fell in love with.  He's told me he wishes I was cuddled in his arms, that a child with me is what he wants most, that I'm a goddess and so beautiful, that our lovemaking was real and genuine and that we shared a healthy loving relationship together.

This... ugh. I want to hear truth from him now. I know we are meant to be together! I know it! This is why he came through and told me that I'm right. I'm right because I know he loves me! And has all this time and I know he wants me, a life with me and my son.

I know this. And he told me so not long ago. There is a reason why I hold on. I do not believe based on "faith" alone. I have proof.

The way he kissed me and made love with me in the spring is my proof. Gathered me in his arms and kissed me while making love with me and I know that is love.

I know it.

But I fucking miss him. And it God damn hurts. I want to know the love of my life again. Like I was so blessed to know him before. All loves and kisses and cuddles. I know that is James. I know this situation is not "normal." I'm a level-headed woman. I am more "reality-based" than spiritual. What I really want is a happy life with James. I want the life we talked about.

Sushi on the beach. He said we would be married on the beach and have sushi at our wedding. I want it small with PJ there with us while we get married. I want that dream life with him so much.

I want him to come home.

I can't believe I have survived such ache. My son helps. Man I turned on Christmas music on Sunday while I putzed in the kitchen. My friend Shannon had to work but I kept her kids with me. I knew PJ would like to play with them when he got home from his dad's at noon. Well the songs! The damn Christmas songs talking about wanting to come home or "All I Want for Christmas is You" or "Blue Christmas" absolutely kill me. I was standing at the sink trying not to cry and my son came over and hugged me and danced with me. Like a little old man in a child's body.

I don't think I would still be here if it were not for me son. I can barely take this but he keeps me going! He is such a dear sweet child. And he still says he misses James too. My sweetie.

I wish James could be with us. He would be the best husband ever and such a blessing in my son's life.

I miss him so much.

Jennifer

Nothing

Nothing feels right when I write it here.  This is mostly why I don't post as much as I used to.  All I can say is I miss James a lot.  It has been too long since I've spoken with the sweet man I met, dated and fell in love with.  My heart is aching, and I don't like any of this right now.

It is very hard to focus on the magical parts of life when a person is so so so sad and missing someone.  I find it almost impossible.  I cry all the damn time.  I make sure to count my blessings but even though I am thankful for what I have- that thankfulness does not take away my loneliness. 

I hope you all have good holidays.  I'm trying the best I can to be thankful, enjoy my blessings and not let the pain of missing him override my holiday season.  I am tired of being sad at Christmas time.  I would love to have a happy honestly joyful love-filled Christmas.  I would love for the man I love to be by my side laughing together with me throughout the holidays.


And yes I still say this "thing" is about romantic love.  People can lecture and say twin souls are not about romantic love, etc. etc. and all I will say to that is I fell in love with James first.  Before any of the separation and "mirroring my fears" came into play- we fell in love with each other.  To me this is about love.  Nothing more or less. 


I want something to change, something that will bring me happiness, peace, freedom and joy.  Because right now I do not feel those things.  Instead I pine and long for a man who is not here in my life, and it does not feel good.

What felt good was talking with James, laughing with him, being with him like two NORMAL humans are together.

I love James.  I wish it could be more like it was when we met.  I wish it could be "real" again instead of this stupid silence and nonsense.  The silence is bullshit.  We should be talking.  We talked all the time, and we got along well.  We looked forward to speaking with one another, and even while separated there were times when he needed to talk to me and we talked for hours and hours and he said he was afraid to lose me and needed me in his life.  I know he loves me.  I know he loves me but I am just so tired.  I want him back, or at the very least some sign of him.  A kind message.  A visit.  Something.  What I really want is what he said, that he wants me in his life.  THAT is what I want.  Now.

I am not happy right now.  I love him but I am still terribly sad and I am not going to try and fake it on the inside.  I am sad.  I want to talk to James and see him again.  Like normal people do.  Like we did at first.  Real, honest, truthful.  Real.

I want to laugh with him and see his smiling face.  I want to speak with the kind man I know he is.  Maybe I don't know what surrender means or I cannot achieve it because I will tell you- I do not accept all of this.  I am not at peace.  All that really matters to me is this man.  I love him.  I wish every single day we could go back to how we were, just loving and kind to each other.  He told me he loves me and always has and wants me in his life, and that's all I want!  For us to be together, and I know he loves me. I need something to change, soon.  I need affirmation, hope.  I need to talk to my friend again.  I miss him with all of my heart.  I miss him more than I can express in writing.  You'd have to climb inside of me and feel my overwhelming emotions in order to understand.

I want a happy life.  I want love in my life.  I want James so much. I remember kissing him and sitting with him and talking, laughing, kissing and how sweet it was.  I also remember when he was last here how he pulled me to him and held me, and then he kissed me.  I did not know what to expect.  I was very nervous.  But he sat on "his side" of my couch and pulled me to him and held me against his chest and then kissed me and... I know it was love.  I know he wanted to see me and was glad to be able to and he needed to be close to me, too.  I KNOW it.  I just wish I knew how to get him back.  I wish I knew.  Because he is all I want, to have him back.  To have him in my life again.  He showed me so much love, and we've been back and forth over and over again in this- and I need to hear from him.

So I'll keep focusing as well as I can.  I have to keep pushing certain thoughts away, and I have to be careful with what I say.  I think I'll just not say anything out loud.  I tend to want to be home.  I don't really like going out, not even to karaoke right now.  I'd much rather be in the comfort of my home, with my child, in my jammies.  That is where I normally feel most "right."  Maybe a movie or a trip to the arcade or coffee shop, and I do a lot with my son but just me alone?  I hate going places fucking alone.  I'd rather stay home.  I visit family or my close friends but I don't like going out karaoke because I'd rather be home if I can't go out as a happy couple.  I SO MISS GOING OUT ON DATES but I want to go out with James- I had such fun with him!   I am lonely without him.  I don't really feel like doing much right now if it does not consist of being with my child.  Honestly only with my son am I truly "happy" right now.  He brings me so much joy, and I like to be with him.  Otherwise- I am sad.  Maybe that is weak but I am sad.  Not much does it for me.  I don't even have energy, creative energy, to bead- and I want to but it is not there.  I've been reading more fiction because it keeps my mind busy, passes the time, calms me and I don't have to fight for the "passion" energy to actually create anything.  I'm so ready to be blissfully happy and in love.  Like I was when I met James and we fell in love together.  That wonderful feeling of being in love.  I miss that love with James.  I love him and I really wish we were back together like we once were.

I want to hear him call me honey again.

I am trying my best.  Sorry this is not more positive or upbeat.  Instead it is honest.  I really miss James and wish I could hear from him again.

On that note, I hope you all are having a good holiday season.  Be well.

Jennifer

What I Would Give...

We are going to celebrate the 7th birthday of the little girl who lives with us this evening.  I am looking forward to getting out of work for the long holiday weekend.  I like being able to spend the extra time with my son. 

I feel sad though.  I miss James so much.  I miss him so much that it is hard for me to write or focus.  I feel antsy and discontent like I want to climb the walls.  I hate the silence.  My blog title is wrong.  Silence in far from golden.  FAR FROM GOLDEN.  I do believe and understand everything I've written here about why the silence happens.  But believing it and liking it are two separate issues.  I will never like it or accept it.  It makes me fucking crazy because it is not normal or right.  It should not be.  We should be talking and laughing with each other into the wee hours of the morning with him asking for just a few more minutes before I hang up.  We should be being silly and naughty and exchanging flirty messages and photos and videos again.  We should be in contact.

"Focus on what you want instead of what you don't want" means I should not focus on the silence yet all I want is to talk to James again or be with him.  Together.  Not apart.  TOGETHER.  A friend of mine said we have "unfinished business" and I thought that was a great way to put it.  We never "finished." We are not meant to.

I am just so frustrated and irritated and impatient and trying so fucking hard to stay "happy" and peaceful because I deserve a happy peaceful life and I so desperately want to be happy and ache-free!  But I am so far from content.  I miss James and I want him and his love in my life.  It causes me so much inner grief- you have no idea.  I miss him so much that it hurts.  And I'm not fucking happy.  I WANT to be happy.  I'd love to be happy.  But happiness for me means sharing my life with a loving adult companion and I don't have that.  So... I kind of make do with what I have and be thankful and try to be "happy."

And it sucks.

That's how I feel.  It sucks having to "try" to be happy.  I know the bliss I felt when I dated James and was his girlfriend.  It was the best feeling EVER.  And I miss being with him.  I loved being with him.  I loved knowing him.  And not knowing him really hurts.

I am not in a mood to be all strong and positive right now.  I wish I could talk to him.  I wish I could know him like I did when we met.  I wish things were normal.  I wish our situation was back how it was when we met, so funny and happy and REAL!  I wish I did not know about twin souls at all!  I wish I'd never heard the term twin soul, quite frankly.  Because all I care about is that I had a sweet wonderful boyfriend in my life who was kind and gentle and who fell hard in love with me and we discussed a future together and all I really want is that future with James.  This experience has made me crave to feel "human."  I am human.  I live on earth.  I am tired of spiritual rules and yada yada.  I want to LIVE.  And I want to thrive.  Not simply "endure" and right now, the way I feel, I don't know the word for what I do.  I make the best I can out of my constant fucking heartache.  I let it soften me as much as possible.  I try to be empathetic to the pain of others no matter why they hurt.  But overall I wake and hope to get through the day without hurting too much.

I don't like this.  I don't feel good.  I want what I had.  I want to hear from James.  This is unreal.  We care about each other and people who care for one another talk and catch up and check in and... respond.  It's so not of this world, not what I knew before, and sometimes I wish I could go back to not knowing.  God-  I wish he could have just stayed with me and shared happiness and that I'd never heard of twin souls or any of this.  I wish there would have been no separation.  I wish we were together now.  I wish I was happy. 

I wish I did not hurt so much.

I wish he talk to me and be the man I know he is, the guy I met and dated.  My friend who cares about me.  I am so frustrated right now.  I feel sad impatient yet I still want to be the best person I can be.  There is so much SHIT out in the world right now.  The children in Aleppo break my heart.  I wish I could take them all and care for them.  I just can't even.  I don't have a heart cut out for watching or hearing the news.  I can't see turning those children away.  I wish things were different.

I don't know.  I wish the world was different.  I wish our country was different.  I wish my life was different.  I don't know anymore why this twin soul thing is going on.  I am already a good nice loving person so I don't need to be made any more "nice."  I love myself.  I think I am a good person.  I respect myself and others.  But I still don't have the ONE thing I really truly want most in my life, that close loving romantic relationship.  And I met James and knew James and I want it with him.  Ugh- the "unfinished business" is more like unfinished LOVE.  We were so very much in love with each other and that did not just disappear. It is so unbelievable.  It makes me crazy inside.  He should be with me.  He should be with me.  Nothing happened bad between us.  We only loved each other, a good real strong pure genuine healthy love.  Good love.  We had the start of a beautiful relationship.  We were only good to each other.  I love him now but I loved him a lot and I only wanted to be good to him.  I adored him.  He was everything I ever asked for so it overwhelmed me.  He overwhelmed me with his big huge love.  And yes it felt "too good to last" or something like that. 

I just want him back how I had him, loving and caring and kind and gentle.  I miss James so much.  I feel inconsolable.  Turmoil.  I put this smile on my face and make sure I stay... what is the word I am looking for.  Diffused.  Tempered.  I don't like when my anguish and ache make me impatient with others {like my son} so I strive to be as patient and loving and kind as I can even when I ache so fucking much that I wish I could escape this somehow- in the past I've thought of death as an escape from my pain but that won't work because my child would be devastated.  So what do I do?  I have to feel it.  I have to wake in the morning and immediately feel like a fucking freight train has plowed into me because that "missing him" and loving him feeling overwhelms me and the reality of wanting him so much... is still with me.

I dreamed of him last night and I rarely do.  It was a small short dream.  He was this guy I met and I'd seen him, spent time with him and I really wanted to see him again but I did not know when I'd hear from him, and I really wanted to.  I have to tell you- this emotion of "I really would love to see him again or hear from him" wears at me.  It is constant.  The "wanting."  And not knowing when I might- it's so hard for me.  All I want is to hear from my loving friend and love again and to be together with him.  Connected.  In touch.  Talking.  Laughing.  Being silly.  Friends but also lovers because that is what we are: friends and lovers.  We hit it off immediately and wanted to date and be together as a couple.  I don't agree with the term "bubble phase."  It was not a fucking bubble phase.  It was real and honest true love.  It was wonderful and blissful but very very real.

So yeah.  What I would give to sleep in his arms.  To lay next to him.  To be able to kiss him whenever I want which would be often.  He always told me when we were married we'd make love every night because he'd want to be close to me.  To sleep without him is anguish.  I want nothing more than to know he is with me, sleeping with me, every night, sharing his life with me.

I honestly don't know what to do at this time other than feel all this and cry when I need to and try to stay "positive" even if I cannot achieve true happiness all the time.  I feel sorrow.  I can't help it.  I feel blue.  I wish he was with me, blessing my life, and without him I ache constantly.  I would love for him to be back in my life laughing with me kissing me and holding my hand, making love every night, being close and loving and friendly again.  I miss his laugh.  I miss James.

One thing.  I might not like the term twin soul right now but I've told myself I will continue to share when it applies.  Right now I only share my feelings because it hurts being apart from the one you love with all of your heart.  And I know others are out there and some feel ashamed or wrong for loving someone so much, for aching so deeply.  Well I do not feel ashamed of how intense my feelings are.  They are my feelings; it is my heart.  I've told myself I will keep sharing no matter how disenchanted I get with this situation or how strongly I miss him.  I don't necessarily like this situation right now but for some reason I think I am meant to be honest and raw with how I feel.  I love this man and I have shared that here for almost three years now on this blog and I continue to hope that sharing my feelings and my thoughts can help even just one person feel not so alone.  I know this is a hard experience because when we love people we really like for those people we love to be close with us and a part of our lives.  Especially that one special person.  So I feel you.

Take care,

Jen 

I Wish

I wish that I could see my Love over the holidays this year.  I wish that so very much.  I wish I could share Thanksgiving with him.  I wish we could exchange "Merry Christmas."  I wish he was coming with me to my family parties.  He does not like turkey though... I'd make him something different.  He said our parents must have had hot turkey sex since he counted backwards and thought we could have been conceived on Thanksgiving.  He is silly and funny like that, and I dearly love and miss his goofball nature.

I wish we were talking right now.  I wish I could share with him honestly and freely and have a good real friendly caring fun conversation with him like we used to.  I miss our conversation.  We used to talk for hours.  Literally.  He always said he hated hanging up or saying goodbye and he'd ask me to stay on just a little longer.  Or else he'd call on a Sunday morning after church just to say hello.  He knew when I'd be done and he liked to pop in to say hi.  It was always very thoughtful, and when I look back I realize I never really called him.  I did not have to.  He always called me.  He was always there.  We were always in contact.

I wish I could make James dinner.  We had dinner once at my house but I forgot and fed him turkey sausage and he doesn't like turkey.  It doesn't really taste like turkey though and I make decent spaghetti so hopefully it was okay.  He was, as always, about as dear as he could be.  As we were getting ready to eat he paused {and my God is he adorable} and gently said to me, "You can go ahead and thank God for the food if you'd like to.  I hope you don't mind but I will just thank you."  And he sat there for a moment while I prayed, very respectfully with his hands in his lap just as sweet as could be.

That is James.  That is the James I know is real and truth, and it is just about killing me because I am totally aching to know that man again, and I wish I could have him back right this very moment.  Being without him is so hard.  I want that man in my life.  Him.  I want him back in my life.  He was not just some "nice guy."  He is THE ONE for me.  The best.  He is perfect love to me.  If I ever have known God then I knew God when I was with James.  That has to be how it feels to be "close to God" when I was close to him because it felt like heaven.  It felt like my own private version of heaven, and of course I want that back.  I miss him.  I miss him so very much.  I don't even know what to do with myself because I feel so much restlessness no matter what I do or try to do.  I mean I live my life- I have a life to live.  I have stuff I have to do and some things I like to do but underneath it all is this total ache and desire to have back what I had with him.  I want him back.  I've said this before- I don't really want or need anything from him besides his presence and his love and affection.  I miss him.  Yes- I miss how I felt when I was with him.  Life felt complete and blissful and wonderful with James and I can't get over that.  It is always on my mind.  Always.

And I know there are others of you out there who feel like I do, even years later.  You've written to me and you understand, and I understand you.  I am not "strong" enough to try and push the emotions or the longing away.  I will admit I've come close to running off before but... I was pulled back and it tells me I am meant to focus on what I want and I want HIM.  And because I want James I try to focus on what I want.  He means so much to me.  I would be so happy to have him back in my life again.  He talked with me about being my son's step-dad.  He looked at my son and said so kindly, genuinely, "I don't know how to be a daddy but I could learn."  He said he could teach my son science and help him with sports.  Dream come true.  I'd love nothing more than for James to bless my child's life.  I wish he was part of our family.  And I know he's wanted this too.  He showed me.  I wish I could have understood better.  I believe he still wants to be with us, and it is all I want- James to be back with us, for us to share the dreams and the life we discussed.  He was the one who first told me that maybe we'd one day sleep next to each other every night.  He was the one who said he'd fallen in love with me quickly.  He told me that he finally met the woman he'd want to have a child with, that he wanted me to be the mother of his child.

I so desperately want those dreams with him.  I've never let them go.  All along, no matter what I have battled with, I have always loved him and wished he could be back in my life.  And I still do.  You might think I am "consumed" and yeah, I'd have to say that I am.  But Hell- I did not "ask" for this so I can't be blamed for how I feel!  I can't help it.  I love him and I can't help that I do.  He was too good to me for me to forget or let go, not when I am the ever hopeful one.  If there is one thing I can say for me it is I have copious amounts of hope and although disappointment does hurt I've never let it totally stop me.  I just don't like it.  I wish he could come closer to me and STAY there.  I wish I knew what to do to let that happen.  For him to reach out and stay.  I so badly want to be an active part of his life.

I wish we could date again.  Go out and have fun and hold hands and laugh together.  He always held my hand whenever we were out together.  He was sweet.  Sweeter than most men are.  He was not afraid to show his affection, and he actually enjoyed being affection and receiving affection.  He liked being kissy and close and intimate with me.  I miss those times.  I miss his warm peaceful deep love, a love unlike anything I could ever imagine.  My dream come true.

No- I have no idea what to do with how I feel.  If I feel like crying then I do.  If I feel like "begging" God for help- then I do.  I wish he could come back.  I wish he could reach out to me- and I know he would like to talk with me again.  I just know it.  But still I wish I knew with 100% certainty what to do to shift my energy or do whatever is needed to allow him back to me. I feel he's wanted to come back before.  He told me that he loves me and wants me in his life and to "accept that."  And I do accept it but my very human side aches to talk with him and know him again.  I long to hold him and look into his gorgeous blue eyes- he is so damn attractive.  When I think of his face or kissing him my heart feels like it will explode.  I think he is so beautiful.  And I wish I could see his sweet face again.  And hear his gentle voice.  It makes me cry- I can't really help it.  There is nothing I can do about how I feel, how much I love him and miss him.  I am always reminded of the Elton John song that says "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blue."  Time on my hands should be time spent with you.  I think it is okay to feel blue when you miss someone so much.  I've come to the conclusion that it is okay for me to feel this way even if it sometimes makes me sad or I cry.  I feel very antsy.  I want him back so much.  I miss the sweet man I met and fell in love with.  I've never loved like that before or shared love like we did.  I'm not over it.  I still want him with me.

I wish we could sit on my couch and kiss for hours.  I wish I could feel him reach out like he does to touch my face and smile while he leans in for that first small kiss... that leads to much longer kisses.  Hours of kisses.  The most wonderful kisses ever.  There is a big difference between James and anyone else I knew- with him the kisses were not "foreplay."  The kisses did not quickly lead to sex.  The kisses were long and slow and sweet and kind and gentle.  They were love, a way for us to be close to one another for a while without taking things physically any further.  I did not have to get naked with James for him to sit and kiss me for hours and tell me how much he loved me.  He did that just by knowing me, fully clothed.  I love that about him.  He was a gentleman with me.  A total loving peaceful sweet patient gentleman.  The kindest man I ever met.  I can barely tolerate being away from him.  I miss him.

*sigh*

I don't care who I sound.  Hopelessly in love, and that would be about right.  I can't stop loving him.  He is always here meaning I feel his memory strongly.  He told me he loves me.  I know he wants me in his life.  I wish I could know him again like I did when we met.  That was such a fun wonderful time, getting to know James.  Falling in love with him, sharing time with him, kissing him and being held by him and holding hands and talking endlessly and making love.  It was real genuine pure healthy love.  Real love.  Perfect love.

I wish we could laugh together again.  He has a silly laugh.  I love his laugh. I miss that laugh so much.

I miss my Love.

Take care,

Jen

Love...

James is a Sox fan, lol.  I was raised a Cubs fan but I have nothing against the Sox.  I've been to plenty of their games too.  But this was a really great series with The Cubs this year.  I wish life could be one big Cubs win :)

I wrote a post earlier about God and deleted it.  I am seriously confused when it comes to "What is God" these days.  It is so mind-boggling to me that I am choosing to gloss over it for the time being.  I have enough in my head without pondering God.  I know something is out there that has tried to point me in the direction of moving towards what would bring me the most happiness.  I've always felt protected somehow too, like when it comes to major life "stuff" {home, work, money, my own good health, healthy family, good friends, etc.} things seem to work out well for me.  I'm blessed.  And I am not sure if that is because I don't worry about those things so they run smoothly or if there is something out there that helps those things happen for me.  I'd like to think there is something out there that helps me!  It makes me feel a lot more supported in my journey. 

At the same time when it comes to love, like a partnership with an adult man in my life, things have not run so smoothly.  It is the one area of my life that has been rocky.  I'd love for that to change.  I felt real true love with James.  I felt what love was meant to be like with him.  He showed me the love I'd always dreamed of.  The love I wrote of in my journals when I was a teen-ager.  The love I craved from my husband.  The love I always hoped I'd find and share with a good man- I found that love with James.  In him.  So yes I miss him very much.  I cannot help but miss him.

I am not sure what this "journey" is supposed to teach me.  Enlightenment?  Basically what I can see is I have to watch what I create through manifestation.  I don't know why I am such a strong manifestor.  Not "expert" manifestor for sure because I ain't got this shit down yet, not by a long shot.  I am constantly reminding myself to SHUT MY FUCKING MOUTH so I don't say something that I am going to regret later.  Or write it down, or express it in a text conversation with someone.  My roommate feels that I should be able to "get off my chest" the things that worry me by talking them out.  And it is so tempting to express a nagging errant thought or worry to her but I really shouldn't because too often then I see more of what I am worried about come into my existence.  Dudes- it's a challenge.

I've told myself when it comes to this election and the results I am going to be an example of "Light" by not getting sucked into the bullshit.  And I am far from perfect.  It's probably pretty obvious that I did not vote for Donald Trump but I also refuse to be hateful now that he has won.  I remember when I saw James last he said maybe America needed to elect Trump so we can see ourselves more clearly {it was something like that- I was pretty much in shock and don't remember everything that was said.}  Maybe he was right.  Maybe in the end it will result in a societal change or something.  I don't know.  I am not that big into politics yet I am a fighter for certain human rights like the right for gay marriage and reproductive rights.  I also understand that protecting the environment is important and well, yeah.  Still I don't really want to focus on the negative since I know I have this strong creation energy in me.  I am staying quiet on social media because it is a hotbed of crazy right now.  I do have a Facebook page but it's more to share stuff about my son because he's another one of my gifts.  But lately I've backed off most conversation about what is happening in the country since most of it is sadly negative and I don't want to go there.  I say this because when I read about twin souls it says we are here to be "A light for the world."  So I am trying to do my part by staying positive and loving and accepting of all opinions.

That said, in my personal life all I can think about is James.  He is what I want in my life more than anything.  I miss him.  I miss him so very much.  I have been quiet on this blog because what else can I say?  I wish he was here.  I miss him.  I cry for him.  My heart aches and I wish with all of my might that I could do what it takes to shift this.  I wish I could avoid any and all doubts or worries or stupid thinking.  I wish I could "open" things so he could reach out to me.  I feel like I am dying inside without him.  I just do my best to put a smile on my face and get this life thing done as well as I can.  But it does affect me.  I wish he was here sharing life with me, being an encouraging supporting character in my life but actually here with me, not just energetically.  I miss holding his hand and seeing his bright shining smiling beautiful face.  *sigh*  He has such a beautiful face.  I am still very much in love with him.  Impossible for me to not be in love with him.

The drinking has been much easier to avoid.  I drink some wine or beer sometimes but I'm really trying to avoid drinking hard liquor and I will admit the main reason is because it makes me feel like dog shit.  I did not stop because I am afraid that I am doing something "bad" or wrong.  Probably if it did not affect me physically as bad as it does I'd still be drinking.  How's that for honesty?  But ugh it gives me heartburn and hangovers and headaches and it's just really fucking stupid- right?  I mean yeah you can admit it, dumb.  So I've been doing well staying away from the ole' bottle.  It's not good for me.  I'm still working on other things but drinking is really a negative for me so I am really not going there.

I cry a lot.  The emotions get overwhelming.  Tidal waves.  Sometimes more than others.  It depends on my mood, my hormones and the music playing on the radio... and what I remember at that moment.  It is so sweet to remember sitting on my couch being all wrapped up in each other kissing for hours or walking hand in hand through my neighborhood or him hopping into my bed naked and sweet wanting to make love to me, wanting to make me feel good, showing me without words how lovely he thinks I am- those things are sweet to remember but they made me ache to the bone and then I cry.  I wish he was here.  I wish I no longer needed to reach back for the precious memories but could instead create more new loving memories with him.  *sigh*  I love James and miss him a lot.

I know that most people can't understand where I am coming from but I can't stop how I feel.  He is on my mind and in my heart pretty much every moment I am awake whether I want it or not.  Sometimes I try to distract and I swear to "God" that it's put back in front of me again and I am not sure why but... he is always there.  I miss his bright blue eyes.  I miss how when I saw him last he leaned back on my couch and pulled me into his arms and hugged me for a moment when it had been ages and ages since I'd felt his touch.  It always feels so right being in his arms, like the perfect fit.  And I miss his warm embrace.  I miss his sweet kisses.  I miss his gentle sexy voice.  I miss being naked with him!  I miss his tender touch and his loving passion, and this is how I feel ALL THE TIME.  Yet I am a strong independent woman who really is sane- so I don't always understand it.  I loved others before him and eventually the longing for them left me.  Yet with James it remains.  I really want him back with me.  It is my biggest dream and wish.  I may not know exactly who or what God is but I am still going to pray to this "God" like I always have because honestly I don't know what else to do.  I pray to God and silently talk to James and hope that something out there feels me and knows my genuine good loving intentions.  I've said this before- I love James no matter what.  I think that is pretty obvious, right?  It is an unconditional love.  I don't love him "If only."  But that does not mean that I don't ache for him and wish with everything in me that he could be with me, us sharing life together next to each other.  I want to wake to his smiling face every morning and make love with him every night, forever.

Maybe I will start writing that again here for a while.  I feel blocked when I don't write here yet all I really have to say is I miss him.  I have all these wonderful memories of us together and all his goodness- I just really wish those memories could come into my existence again as new experiences with him.

Best. Love. Ever.  Knowing him like I did all close and loving and genuine and honest and GOOD was the best time of my life.

Jennifer  

Feeling

This song is sweet.  And Scully & Mulder help pull me through when I don't think I can go any further.

I've written blog posts in my head but have not posted here much.  Nothing feels right and I've also been a wussy because sometimes when I write here people like to ride me later about how strongly I feel or believe, or tell me I believe wrong, or that I should do this or that of the other, etc. and while I love talking to people and I am open to other opinions- my own deeply held personal beliefs are not up for debate.

This whole "manifestor" thing.  I see things happen in my life and I THINK I know why they happen, I cause them to happen, but since I don't know 100% for sure I then get confused, scared and discouraged.  And then I have to try and pick myself up and brush myself off and tell myself, "I am not giving up."  I have a feeling my focus still has created stuff I don't like.  I can only speculate based on cause and effect.

I miss James.  All I want is to get closer to him.  To hear from him and talk to him easily and freely like I did before.  We are two human beings, and we are friends.  We never stopped being friends.  I know he cares about me and my well-being.  We should be speaking to each other.  I wish I could talk with him about this election.  I totally jones to hear his take on the state of our country.  I ache to have a real discussion with him.  I want to know how he feels.  I wish he could be truthful with me, honest.  I know he is a good man who thinks well of me, loves me, and would like to talk to me again.  I miss James so much.  I've said that a million times I know but most people cannot understand what I mean, how deeply I wish to know him like I once did.

That is the kicker for me.  All I want is to know James again like I did when we met.  Happy, friendly, joyful, sweet, dear, kind, generous, thoughtful, caring, considerate, respectful, affectionate, attentive and loving.  Everything about him was absolutely perfect.  With me he was the man that my single girlfriends wish to find.  Someone who is openly affectionate and not afraid to show his emotions.  A man who is happy to say, "I want you as my girlfriend, and I am happy to have you in my life."  A man who is appreciative and says, "Thank you.  I really appreciate you."  In the past my blog readers have thought I am crazy for "holding on" to someone like this but I was the one who dated him and experienced his amazing love.  He is a great person.  Of course I miss him!  I was given this huge gift and I've never ever gotten over him being gone from me.  And I am not okay with it now either.  I ache so bad.  I fight to be strong for myself and my son.  I hate being so sad all the time; it sucks.  But I am so used to disappointment now, and that makes me sad too.  I guess it has made me stronger because what used to almost literally kill me or send me into a huge gigantic terrified tailspin in the past now only makes me sad.  Sad because I feel like when I "accidentally" focus on something I shouldn't, and then I see evidence of what I never really wanted come into my life, it is not making me come any closer to James, and all I REALLY want is to come closer with James.  I want to know him again.  All I want is to have him back like I had him before, loving and real.  REAL. 

I love Sundays because they are usually the days when I can hang out with my son and be domestic.  I enjoy being a homemaker! Yesterday I made a few different meals for the week, dinner for last night too.  My friend who lives me has major stomach issues and I know what she cannot eat.  I made a cheesy ham casserole but for her I made a separate casserole with gluten-free noodles.  I LIKE taking care of people.  I "mother" well.  Being a mother is probably my favorite thing ever but... I would love to be a good wife too.  I would be such a good wife to James.  I was thinking that yesterday while I was making dinner and cleaning up.  I'd be so good to him, and all I want to do is love him!  I want to take care of him and cook for him and feed him and love him and make him happy.  I have what I need in my life, a job and money and all that.  But what I do not have is companionship, not from an adult male.  I want him to be my partner.  I do stay alone because I want him and I feel that if I want him then my focus should stay on him not on someone else.  I love James.  He is the man I want in my life.

He told me a few months back that I am right.  He said, "You are right."  Right in that I know he loves me.  I know that man loves me.  He said I am right.  He does love me and always has.  Yes.  I know this.  It is why I have fought so hard to hold on to that truth.  He loves me.  He fell hard in love with me.  He was happy to meet me and he felt he'd met the woman he'd hoped for.  We match well together and we get along happily.  It is what makes this all seem so surreal because me and James had fun together.  I am pretty easy to get along with!  And so is he.  When we were together, with each other, it was always kissy and good, close and loving.  And we loved talking to each other.  We got along so well.  We had no issues, no drama.  Just a very peaceful happy love.  It was wonderful knowing him, and I believe that he feels the same about me.

So why the continued quiet?  I don't know.  The only thing I can think is that quiet tests me.  I don't like it.  I have allowed it to have the power to make me doubt, and I think that is one of the reasons why it continues.  I just wish it could shift, change.  I wish I could "do" whatever it is that would allow him to be here.  To know each other again.  I've never wanted anything more than I want to know James again, the sweet kind fun loving happy REAL genuine man I met.  I miss that man.  I remember him well.  He made an effort for me, and I realize it was because he genuinely wanted to.  He LIKED seeing me.  He enjoyed spending time with me.  Being near me made him feel good.  Just like it felt so good being near him too.

I have a therapist, had him on and off since my first marriage.  He is Buddhist.  He is understanding and he knows all about this situation.  I told him I am so done with "spirituality" and trying to be "strong" and all that.  I don't care what the teachings say.  I miss James.  My life would be so much happier if he was in it.  I feel like something is missing from my life without him and all I want is him.  I fight to be happy.  I want to be happy.  I like being happy but often I am sad without even wanting to be sad.  Because I miss James and I wish he was with me.  I wish he was with me and PJ.  I have not dated since him.  I've made love once in three years and it was with him.  I feel like we should be together.  Like he'd called me "honey" if he could, and he wants to.  I just know he loves me.  I know he is the same very gentle kind loving person I spent time with, the man who treated my son well too.  I can't ever get past that or let him go.  He was SO good.  I loved him when I met him but I remember the day he asked to take me and my son out together.  I lost my heart to him that day.  Seeing him be so kind and nice to PJ was too much for my heart to handle.  I lost it.  I fell very hard for him then.  I knew he was the man I wanted to be mine, to be with us.  He was so sweet with my son, showing him how to miniature golf and feeding the alligators with him.  It was warm that day, late September and when we were all done we could have left, you know?  But there was a big inflatable slide the kids were going down and James looked at his watch and said he still had about an hour if PJ wanted to play.  So we sat there together watching my son climb up this huge slide and go down it over and over and over again, and I still can see James' face in my mind.  He watched my son and looked happy.  Peaceful.  Very patient, a little smile on his face while he enjoyed watching my son have fun; he was so sweet!  It was the best time, most wonderful day.  I have never been happier.  It was probably the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me, taking us out like that and being so sweet to me and my son.  That is why I love him so much.  Because he was so good to me.  Because he is such a good person!  Because he showed me what a kind gentle loving person he is.  And he is funny.  And smart.  And friendly.  He was always smiling and making me laugh.  He cared about my happiness and well-being/  He liked to make me laugh and smile.  I miss him.  I miss how wonderful he is, that he did make me so happy.

I am not one of those people who firmly believe "You alone are responsible for your own happiness."  I mean I get it.  You don't want to be codependent on someone else.  But man when you are in love with someone and that person is not in your life it sucks.  It kinda sucks the happiness away.  I know it flies in the face of many teachings but I like my people.  My friends and family and especially my child.  I love being with my child.  If I did not have the people in my life that I do then I would not even want to be here.  I am not so "happy" alone that I'd enjoy living without my loving contacts.  I am totally find being by myself for a while.  I did it for most of my marriage.  I am really independent so I am okay being alone, or at least I used to be.  Now I don't like it so much.  I'd rather be with the ones I love most of the time, some alone time to think and have down time.  I think we are made for companionship.  We are social creatures.  Made for companionship.  I miss my companion.  I miss James.  I am MADE for strong love, made for cuddly affection.  I love being held and cuddled and kissed and he was so wonderful to hold and cuddle and kiss.  He likes affection too.  This is one reason why we were so good together.  We are both cuddly affectionate people; he honestly felt so much like me because of how affectionate and loving he is.  I feel kind of emotionally lost without him.  I am a strong independent woman but I feel emotionally lost.  I try and hide it well but man I am sad.  Something big is missing from my life, and life would be perfect if he were back with me.  I deserve happiness and I was totally completely thoroughly happy with James, happier than I have ever been.  He brought such joy to my life.  I miss him with all of my heart. 

That is the hardest.  I have never been happier than when I was with James.  I told my therapist this.  I said I cannot stop missing him.  I cannot stop crying.  I cannot stop hurting!  He said he can understand and would not expect that I would not miss him or be sad.  He said it is to be expected and that I should not judge myself for how I feel.  To allow it instead of feeling like I must be stronger or whatever.  I am not stronger when it comes to missing him.  But I have to be able to handle it and deal since I have a life to live, and a child to raise.  But I do miss James.   It is so hard for me to put into words but we were close.  We talked about everything.  He became my buddy very quickly and I felt safe with him.  Comfortable.  It felt so right with him.  I trusted him a lot.  It was intense too.  And because we talked ALL the time or else he was with me we became attached to each other quickly and hard.  It might not have been a super long time but the time we did spend knowing each other, we were in constant contact.  He wanted to know more and more about me and all we wanted to do was be near one another.  Close.  It felt so good being together.  Sweetest man I ever met or could dream of meeting.  So... this feels all wrong right now.  It is unbelievable.  I know he actually loves me still.  I don't totally understand this energy or "soul" connection, and I don't care to.  I don't watch any more videos and I only follow one guide.  Her messages usually speak to me in some way or another.  She says this is all about LOVE.  Love.  Knowing love, focusing on love and believing in love.  She explains that we are creating this.  And I was told that from above and it is what I feel.  Love.  I just love him.  I love him.  He means so much to me.  And I believe he feels the same way about me... I wish he could show me.  Like he did before, like when he said it felt like we'd shoved six years of love into six weeks because we loved each other SO hard.  I wish he could be back with me now.

I am trying the best I can.  My missing him and sadness can sometimes get the best of me.  But I am still here.  I don't blame other twin souls for moving on.  I can understand it.  But I can't.  I keep telling myself what we had was so damn special.  More special than I can explain, more special than people can understand.  And it is real.  He told me I am genuine and it is rare and that he thinks he loves me for this reason most, because I am genuine.  That is so sweet.  He was protective of me and my body and my heart.  I know that man.  I remember him.  I feel in my heart we are meant to be together so I am always reigning myself back in when I feel myself losing it.

I ache to kiss him and touch him and hold him again.  I miss his sweet beautiful face.  I'd do pretty much anything to talk to my friend and love again.  I don't think I can ever stop hoping to hear from him or wanting to see him again.  I can't shake the hope and want.  I love him now and will love him forever but I sure wish we could come together again, sweet sweet man.

My Love.  I miss you.  Each day is a challenge to get through without having you in my life.  I love you! 

Thanks for Showing Up

Hello,

I know I've been quiet.  I hope anyone who might read this is doing well!

Life has been good and blessed and busy.  My son and I went on vacation to Disney World with my immediate family and it was a fun and exciting time.  I love Disney World.  I wish I could live there or visit three time a year!  I've been blessed to take my son three years in a row though, and I hope to go next year too.  Disney is the perfect vacation for us especially since my son has only just turned seven years-old so everything is magical for him!  The weather in Florida was absolutely perfect every single moment we were there which was a huge blessing.  Overall I did not want to come home...

But we came home to game seven of the world series, and I am a life-long Cubs fan who comes from a long line of life-long Cubs fans so the excitement continued once we got back home.  The "Disney Blues" were somewhat eased by the sound of "Cubs win!  Cubs win!" and all the fireworks going off throughout the neighborhood and, well pretty much everywhere!  My son turned seven two hours after the Cubs big win and he woke for a moment to peek outside at the fireworks and tell me, "This is the best birthday gift ever.  The Cubs won the world series" and then he sleepily fell back to sleep.  He has not had an actual birthday party for a few years since we've been in Disney near his birthday since 2014 but this year we did have a party for him at the local bowling alley and he had a blast, so life has been good.  Fun.  "Happy" you could say.  I've been happy.  I've been working hard to be thankful for all of the goodness in my life.  Happy times.  Fun stuff.

But I still miss James.  I can't help it.  My focus has been far from perfect.  The quiet pushes me and pushes me.  I'll never be able to accept the silence and be thrilled with it.  I want to talk with James so badly that it eats at me all the time.  In Disney I did not want to focus on any of this at all but of course right when I got there I saw a man staying at our hotel who was the spitting image of James {even my sister agreed when she saw him} and I kept seeing him so it made it pretty hard to let it go even while on vacation.  I get really confused- like maybe I am supposed to remain focused on him, in a good way of course, and signs like this are to remind me?  I don't always know.

And I have not been focusing well.  As I said the quiet pushes me and then my brain wanders off and thinks "bad" or doubtful things and I can pretty well assume when I have doubtful thoughts about James or his feelings for me I then keep him away.  And it is a vicious cycle because the longer the silence continues the easier it is to let my thoughts stray.

And it really is all me.  I can't blame anyone or anything else.  It is my mind and my thoughts, and it makes me feel pretty badly knowing that I am having a hard time keeping my shit under control because James was nothing but kind to me when he was in my life, and it was only this past spring that he told me "You're right.  I do love you and I always have.  I want you in my life.  Accept that."

Accept that.

So my continued goal is to keep my focus on really knowing he loves me and wants me no matter how the "external" circumstances appear.  Most of us in this situation go through similar experiences, the quiet, etc.  I know it is for a "reason."  I feel like... this man wants to know me.  He always wanted to talk to me.  He loved talking to me and any chance he had of talking to me- he took it.  But I miss him dearly, and that missing him tears me up inside.  All I can do is continue to miss him, continue to desperately want to speak with or see or spend time with or be with my friend and love again, all while holding on to the fact that he is a good man and he does love me and wants me too. 

I've had to simplify this connection in my mind in order to accept it and keep working at it.  For me it is only about us, him and I, and our love for each other.  He is the only part of this that matters to me whatsoever.  If there is a "twin soul mission" then for me it is James and only James.  He is the one who was here with me, always holding my hand, constantly being sweet and sending me loving messages and being gentle and considerate to me.  He was the definition of a gentleman with me, and he was good to my son too.  I've said that a million times on this blog but the truth is so mind-blowing to me.  James was nothing but wonderful to me.  He tried SO hard, and it makes me cry to think of it.  All he wanted to do was be close to me and be good to me.  He loved being close to me just as I loved being close to him.  We were very happy to sit on my couch and just talk, kiss and hold each other.  Giggling and kissing, and it was my own personal Heaven.  I was the happiest with James, the happiest EVER.  Totally blissful.  But the thing is- I know he felt the same way about me.  I felt it in him.  I can look back in my mind and know, clearly know, that he was "attached" to me {in a good way} and he looked forward to being with me.  He needed to see me, wanted to be close to me, and he made me a priority because he wanted to.

And I know he wanted me in his life, and I know he still does.  I know that he misses me too.

I have to keep my concentration and focus on truth and love, and it is so easy to let my mind wander off and wonder and doubt and overthink and blah blah blah.  And all the while we stay apart and it is killing me inside.  As I always say- I have blessings for which I am very thankful but those blessings do not take away the sadness I feel over being apart from the love of my life.  I am thankful for knowing James.  I am so happy he came into my life, so happy the love of my life showed up, the one who showed me the best love ever.  I am thankful for the huge love he showed me, and methinks this has been a really large personal experience in owning my truth and being forced to keep my focus on what I want instead of what I do not want, manifestation.  I have to believe it when I am totally, completely and thoroughly loved.  And I know James loves me like this.

Maybe I am wrong but this appears to be a big lesson in personal manifestation and controlling my thoughts and beliefs.

And love.  I do believe the bottom line is love and believing in love when it is felt for me and given to me and shown to me in many many different ways; I can't think of one way James did not show me his love.  Underneath all of my mistakes and missteps and wrong moves and erroneous thinking I believe there is only love for me from James.  And I wish with all of my might that he could show me his love again.  I miss, with all of my heart, knowing the sweet funny man I met, dated and fell in love with.  I miss my sweetheart so much.  I still feel like he is the man I am supposed to be married to and sharing life with.  I hope I can still have that opportunity.  This entire experience has been so wild and "different" but I reassure myself with this thought of- well as twin souls, even though it's been a challenge, there is always a chance.  Always a chance to make it right, to remember love and let it be truth again.  So I hope I am right in that thinking because I'd really love to one day finally get this right so I can hear from my friend and love again.  I love him with all of my heart and my life does not feel complete without him in it.  My son and I both wish he was here with us as part of our family.

There are many things in life that bring me happiness, both small and large.  But besides my son's happiness and good health there is only one thing in life I really want, and that is to have James in my life like we were before, happy and at ease.  Peaceful and open.  Loving.  Cute.  Genuine.  Healthy.  Real.  Simple.  He'd smile at me and so gently touch my face and bring me to him for a kiss- and he was always so gentle with me which was exactly what I needed.  A gentle touch.  I miss his sweet gentle patient touch, his beautiful smile and his sweet kisses.  I miss his silly friendly loving personality.  What we shared was the start of a wonderful beautiful healthy relationship, and all I really want is for us to go back to how we were, being together again in friendship and love.

He always made me laugh and smile.  Always.  I wish I could smile and laugh with James again.

Take care,

Jennifer

See The Stars With You

See The Stars With You

Today is a rough day.  Second night in a row where I've come awake at midnight and I don't know why.  Wide awake.  Just laying there with thoughts in my head and songs playing in my mind.  Last night was Diana Ross singing about missing someone.  *sigh*

I just don't know.  

I have some "real life" stuff I need to address and on top of how I feel emotionally it feels like I am ready to crack.  I cry all the time.  I cried this morning with my son's teacher.  I am trying to keep it all together.  But I feel like I barely am.  My son... is adorable.  He is wonderful and sweet, very kind sensitive little soul.  He is also extremely high-energy.  And I mean EXTREMELY.  In pre-school they told me he was the highest energy child they had, and now in the public school system, well, it's been a challenge.  So I am going to have him tested.  I am terrified of stuffing a pill down his throat simply because he has too much energy to sit in a chair All. Day. Long.  They get like 15 minutes of recess!  Come the fuck on- they are six and seven years old!  But my son in particular- his teacher told me today that she loves him.  He has a sparkling loveable personality.  He is sweet.  But he also is very very social and talkative and he cannot sit still.  She was careful with his grade in conduct on this first report card; she said she knows he "can't control himself" and it isn't his fault.  He is always moving.  Always thinking, building, talking, reflecting, "what if-ing," working shit out through his words, contemplating, engineering, singing, la la la-gin, humming, moving... he is never still unlesshe is sleeping.  He sleeps hard and long and wakes talking.  I swear- he wakes up talking, asking me questions, telling me stories.  He wakes with stuff already in his head.  And he's like that all day long until he falls asleep fast and hard, and he still has a routine bedtime.  He is such a sweet child but I am not sure what to do with him and this high-energy thing he has going on.  He's so smart and engaging.  I don't want to give him a drug to take away who he is; this bright light personality is what makes him unique.  I don't know what to do. 

I am fucking tired.  Even without a twin soul thing in my life I am tired.  Add in whatever is going on with James, this thing I don't totally understand, and I'm exhausted!  I do not understand.  I don't.  I feel lost.  I understand that we have a "connection" of some kind.  He somehow reflects me, whether or not he knows he does it- he reflects me.  I did not ask for a mirror soul to come into my life.  I asked for a sweet boyfriend, and granted I did get what I asked for but I did not realize he was going to reflect my fears and stuff back to me.  I did not know that.  I just wanted him to stay with me.

That is all I wanted.  I wanted him to stay with me.  I am so sad because he could not stay with me!

I am so so so ready to have a companion in my life, someone to help me, someone I could help as well.  When I met James he very quickly started saying things like, "Maybe one day we will be sleeping next to each other."  He says he wants to make love to me every night.  And he told me one night when we were on the phone that he was sad when he went home at night and I was not there, he was wanting me to be there when he got home at night.  He did not want me at my own house and him at his house- he wanted us together.  He told me he could see us married.  He told me he could see himself as PJ's step-daddy.  He said, "Let's talk about when we are married..."  He said, so sweetly, "I don't know how to be a daddy but I am sure I could learn.  I could teach him science and help him at sports."  He said he finally met the woman he could see himself wanting to have a child with since he saw how good I was with my own child.  And I am a good mother but I am tired of doing it alone.  I want my mate, my companion, and I am SAD because James told me he wanted to be that partner for me.  He told me.  And here I am, every day wanting and hoping and praying that he can come back to me so we can have what we dreamed of together.

I want a life with James.  I really do.  I can't forget or let go of how good he was to me and how he spoke my every dream to me.  Full mirror.  Ugh- full mirror.  I've had other people who reflect me, other soul mates, but they were not my "full mirror" like James is.  I have this strong faith that we have a unique connection where the opportunity to come back together exists- and that is why I don't give up.  I have this deep faith that eventually, when I get this "right," he can come back to me because I believe he truly wants to come back and be with me.

I miss him.  I miss the adorable man I met, got to know, fell in love with, kissed for hours, held hands with, talked with forever, shared dreams with, made love with- I was so entirely happy with James.  I've never been that happy in my entire life.  Not even when I had my son was I as happy as when James was here in my life as my boyfriend.  I loved being with him, loved knowing him, loved spending time with him or even just talking to him.  My GOD just knowing he was in my life, actively a part of my life, made me feel so content and good and happy.  I thought I... was finally going to have a chance at being happy.  I felt like I met the best guy in the whole world.  I fell in love with him so quickly.  It made me totally vulnerable and brought my fears out, yes it did, but STILL I loved him SO much!  I thought that maybe finally I'd met "the one" and we'd be happy together.  I wanted everything with him.  He treated me well.  Better than anyone else, better than I could ever dream of.

I knew "love" before I met James but there is one thing about our time together that means a lot to me.  That is our relationship was built more on friendship and "true love" than just desire.  It was not based on an immediate sexual attraction.  We were attracted to each other but since we only kissed for a while first it was not like we jumped into bed right away and then got to know each other in between screwing each others brains out.  We actually did not make love many times but the times we did were sweet.  But... I am glad that we talked for a month before we met and then we waited a few weeks and spent "quality" time together before getting naked.  That means a lot to me, and he always told me that while he found me very attractive he also just liked being with me.  Near me, knowing me, talking to me, sharing with me.  He said he would wait as long as I needed because he wanted me to be ready and he enjoyed my company.  He always told me he looked forward to reading my messages and knowing my thoughts.  I still have, somewhere, a message from him.  Very sweet and James.  He told me that, lol, his friends called him "science trip" because of his love for science, and he was so glad that I appreciated that side of him and respected his likes and how he thinks, and I did.  It is one of the things I greatly miss about him, his brilliant mind and how he thinks and his passion for science.  I miss all that we shared together.  I cannot even.  I cannot EVEN read anything about the universe or see Neil deGrasse Tyson or anything science or Geology related without my heart seizing up in my chest because it reminds me of James so much- my poor fucking heart!  I miss my cute little scientist friend and love so much that I am losing it.  I don't even know what to do with myself.

I think THAT is what makes me the most bonkers.  Truth is so different than what I have experienced over these last three years and sometimes it is so maddening that it makes me not want to "life" anymore.  That is why sometimes suicide sneaks into my thoughts- because I feel like I am living in my own private HELL that no one else can understand.  Because I know who James is.  I know how much he enjoyed knowing me.  I know how in love we were {and still are} together, the kind of love where you can't stand to be apart and you just need to be touching and kissing and talking and loving each other.  I know what truth is.  I know what we shared- he cares about me!  I know he cares about me, and my son.  And I know he would want me happy and at peace.  Because he is a good man.

He is a good man.

No, if you have not been through a twin soul experience, especially the separation part, then you won't clearly understand what I mean.  Because I don't feel like this is reality.  "This" feels like illusion.  It feels WRONG.  We should be talking to each other.  In person.  One human being to another.  I know he considers me a friend and he cares about me.  I know he enjoys talking to me.  I KNOW he does.  And it makes me very frustrated to... more than want something.  To know what truth is, to know we should be talking and together and knowing each other lovingly and peacefully.  So I am frustrated.  It is a frustration that I am working hard not to allow into anger since I am not a victim.  I know I got myself here.

But I want out now.  I want the light at the end of the tunnel.  I want to know James again like he was when I met him: friendly, funny, kind, loving, affectionate, gentle, sweet, silly, goofball, making me laugh, holding my hand, being my buddy, kissing me all the time, not able to keep his hands off me yet totally respectful and PROTECTIVE of me.  He was very protective of me, always careful of my heart and emotions.  The perfect man to meet and know.  A man who was kind to me and kind to my child.  A man who respected my role as mother and always took my responsibilities as PJ's mom into consideration.  He planned a "play day" for me and him and my son, together.  OMG- that memory alone makes me bawl.  He is a man who was obviously raised well by someone who taught him how to treat a woman.  He totally accepted me and loved me and wanted to be with me, and I know he still does.

I miss my gift.  I was blessed with a gift, and I really wish he was back in my life. 

I miss James so much I can barely stand it, and I don't know what to do.  How I feel is not "normal."  I know there is "something" out there.  A God.  My guidance/HS.  I am asking for some serious HELP.  I am a mother who has to keep her shit together and I could use some help.  I swear I am trying my best to hold on, stay focused, etc. etc. but... I need some help.

Jennifer