Yesterday morning this time I had something strange yet divine happen to me and I can't really explain it. Its almost too weird to explain. Whatever is out there speaking to me, higher self/my guidance, soul, James... not always sure what it is but I know I'm spoken to, it uses social media to speak to me. Well Friday night I had planned to go to the coffee shop and write but I got distracted. Next morning I got an in my face sign and part of the message seems to be "Quit forgetting!" Now I am trying to understand what I'm being shown.
Distracted. What I had done Friday was talk to this old guy friend of mine who has been contacting me on Facebook. Not flirty just friendly but he wants to go out with me, and he keeps mentioning it despite me telling him I love someone else; he says we don't know what the future holds. He's attractive. I had a gigantic crush on him when I was like 16 years old and well he is still cute now too.
I ask myself why these things happen? Random people pop up. I know from time to time I get the energy of "I wish I had someone to talk to" and maybe that is why? Because I don't believe God "tests" us. Maybe I'm wrong. I like to think of these instances as "opportunities" to choose wisely and with awareness. Opportunities to climb higher and achieve further growth. Not tests. I do have to wonder why this attractive man who can date me is reaching out to me now of all times. But anyway I talked to him on the phone and mainly just listened. He's got things on his mind and heart. But at the end of our talk he said again we really should get together...
Then I went into the coffee shop and the guy next to me and the guy in back of me were both named James. I could not make this stuff up if I tried. I attempted to write a bit but was not feeling it. Later this guy friend called again for a bit and I went home. Tried to write but again just was not feeling it, fell asleep. Then the next morning this super strange thing happened and it admittedly freaked me out. Only way I can understand it is to know the divine took over and seriously told me "quit forgetting" and the only thing I can imagine it concerns is the fact that I was not focusing on James but on someone else. So I wrote to this other guy and told him again that I'm in love with someone else so I'm his friend only. Later he politely asked me about James and I answered honestly but told him it's not something I can really explain but that we spoke of a future together and I know James loves me so I choose not to get close to other men and I don't even talk to other men. He was understanding and he said "You are awesome. He's very lucky to have you."
And that made me cry. Because James used to tell me how wonderful I am and that he felt lucky to have found me. Yet now he's not here now and that can be challenging although I know full well he's not here due to me, not him. This other man is a nice man. He has a good heart and I can't deny that he's attractive. In a twin soul union, especially once the devastating pain and fear disappears, it's not like all men are no longer attractive, some are. Some are good guys who could be easy to date... if I did not have a twin soul somewhere out there who is holding out for me. I am just being brutally honest- this man would be easy to date. He says he wants to make me soup, lol. He makes great chicken soup and invited me over to have soup. I find that funny and cute at the same time, endearing. So you see... he would be "nice" to meet up with and talk to. A refreshing change since I am alone often. He's at the end of a long challenging marriage that he's very very over and just wants done now. He lives with his sons. He's a good guy. Good loving dad. And after only talking to me a few times he realizes that I'm different than many women. I'm calm, considerate, friendly, caring, down to earth, no drama, and I listen. He likes me. He wants to get to know me better.
But there is this one little thing... HE IS NOT JAMES. I have another twin soul friend who decided to start dating a man other than her twin. I understand her desire to spend time with a man who can respond to her, who is always there, one she does like and is attracted to. But she is still getting strong signs of her twin soul, and she does love her twin. She is torn... and I can't imagine myself being with another man when my heart is so deeply with James. I believe he is out there wanting to be with me and *I* am the one holding us back. I can't be interested in "getting to know" someone else when I am on this mission.
I am different. I'm not like the others, many of them. But see, James knew that too. And that is what breaks my heart right now. James truly felt lucky to have me, to meet me. He told me so many times. He said that he wished for a woman like me forever and then he found me and he felt so fortunate to have someone so loving and understanding in his life. He said he finally found his perfect match. He said that only 1% of the female population could ever match with him and with me he found his 1%, his wife. The irony that he had spent years away but he had to come back home to find the right woman for him.
And as I've stressed on here already and other twin souls who've had the same experience as me know: nothing changed. One moment he was there telling me he still loved me and wanted to talk and then there was silence. We were very very much in love and that love still exists. Earthly circumstances may have changed. Contact may have shifted but the love and connection remains and I know it does for him too.
So when this other man reminded me last night "He's lucky to have you" I wasn't quite sure what to feel. I was by myself wishing that James was with me smiling and laughing and talking together. I was reminded that YES he had felt lucky to know me. He was happy to meet me and he was excited to have me as his girlfriend to the extreme that he was already talking marriage, wanting me to be his forever. That is all TRUTH and he still knows and feels that I am wonderful and the one he wants in his life.
I am no-drama. I dislike chaos. I prefer a nice calm loving relationship. Passionate yes but passion can be created peacefully through gentle love. I'm genuine. All I want is love, nothing more. And James knew this.
I went to sleep knowing I'd clearly let this other man know not to expect to meet me because it cannot happen. I wrote for a while. And I woke up desperately missing James, wondering what "Quit forgetting!" means.
I pray daily. I talk to God all day long actually. Except for had moments here and there I normally think of God as my friend who is always with me. I don't necessarily "revere" God but I do love God. In a very familiar way like God accepts me always and tries to guide me in the right direction since God itself can't really create change for me; only I can do that. But I keep an open line of communication with God. So what was I bring shown with quit forgetting? It is not forgetting God since God is always with me.
This "quit forgetting" was in direct relation to James. As soon as I got the message I clarified the situation with this other man because I feel that it must be another reminder to love, always love and focus on, James. No one else. Quit forgetting my mission and commitment. Quit forgetting to do my meditation and energy work. Quite forgetting! No more intending to have a moment of me-time to sit freely and write but instead talk to another man. Both men near me as I sat and didn't really write, after spending an hour on the phone, was named James. Coincidence? I think not.
You might not realize this but I really do want to listen to my guidance. This means focusing on James, his love for me, our happy memories and his good loving character always. That should be my priority. I believe this. No talking with other men. No doubting who he really is or worrying about his character or being skeptical about ANYTHING! Just full belief! Loving him fully as if loving him and believing in him and his love for me, knowing fully that he's an angel with full confidence in his love for me, is what I need to shift the energy balance and eventually see my Love's beautiful face again! Because surrendering it all over to "God" and waiting for it to all come together might not work for me and it would take ages Because I'm being asked to work with my positive belief energy and create with it.
I feel like my poor sweet James is out there holding on and wanting to be back with me. And he knows when I get scared and doubt him and his good intentions. He knows when I forget him and his love for me. And I want him to realize I DO take this seriously so I will continue to clear out ego to become only love, beautiful love which is already here inside of me. I only need to keep eradicating fear and doubt so my vessel is only overflowing with love and tenderness for myself, my James, God and then life in general. I'm closer than some but far from perfect. But I'm consciously working at it.
Sometimes writing in my journal can get a bit old so I do like to write here. I also created my own anonymous social media to shout out my feelings for him into the universe, all love. I imagine it shoots out swirls around getting stronger and then will make its way to him. But my focus must be on him. HIM, James. And yes it's okay for me to miss him and wish for him to be back with me soon. I'm not controlling how it happens. I'm throwing my dreams out there, like my dream of having him standing in my living room again, looking into my eyes As he reaches out to me for a huge never-ending beautifully healing and loving embrace. I have my dreams and I cherish them. My truth is life would be even more beautiful and blessed with James in it!! I want him here with me. I always will dream of having him here.
And I thank God daily for the wonderful experience of knowing my twin soul's amazingly sweet love while we were together holding hands and strolling along together kissy and close and loving each other. I'm so thankful to have experienced his sweet love. I look forward to having his amazingly gentle tender true love back in my life again.
I am free to cry. I am free to miss him. I am free to hug my pillow and wish him well wherever he is while knowing he's out there missing me and my kisses while also wishing he was with me. I'm free to feel what I feel and feeling love will eventually be mirrored back to me. But feeling love does bring me some bittersweet sadness because everything we shared was beautiful and I ache to feel his strong warm arms around me again. It is not like I feel he is lost or that I'm mourning the loss of our love. No! Our love exists but I AM human and I miss him. His self. His body and mind and sensitive words and deliciously blissful kisses! His gentle touch. His beautiful blue eyes.
I've wandered off too many times while going through this. I get this huge sensation that he's out there like, "Come on already! Quit forgetting me. Quit forgetting what you need to do, what to focus on. Quit leaving me behind."
I love him and I miss him. That's my heart. And I'm following my heart.
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