How?
I read something today about the twin soul journey and only part of it resonated with me. So many people say we need to "let go" of the desire for reunion and that our twin soul counterparts can only come back to us when we really no longer even want them.
This is not doable for me. I will always want him. I will always dream of reunion. On my lunchtime walk today tears trickled down my face as I thought about all the dreams I have for us: being a family with my son, making a baby together, growing old together, road trips, making dinner together... all things TOGETHER.
But at the end this person explained that one other thing which must be done in the twin soul union is to let go of resentment, blame, anger, judgment, self-pity, despair etc. by feeling it and releasing it. Now that is one thing I definitely agree with. I absolutely am working on this, letting go of anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. so I can feel and be only divine love.
But this does not mean that I am as happy alone as I would be with James. It has been almost two and a half years of this for me and my love for him only grows stronger, never lessening. So how in the world am I meant to get to a place where I can feel this sense of, "Oh well if it happens it happens but if it doesn't then I am okay with that too. I'm happy with or without him."
No! I want him in my life! I can release anger and resentment and all of that stuff. I can work on avoiding despair. I know we love each other. But none of that makes me love him, want him or miss him any less. None of it makes me forget how wonderful he is. I don't think it is realistic to expect a twin soul who has had a deep intense real relationship with her divine counterpart to be able to let go of the hope and dream of being together again. I realize it is more than "just" a relationship but... for me this more concerns being divine love, feeling all that love, than it does "letting go" of the desire to be with my twin again.
He is always on my mind and in my heart. I fall asleep thinking of him and upon awakening the image of him whooshes into my head and heart. And I don't even ask for it! He is just always there. I can't help it. I do love him no matter what. I will love James forever, no question about that! If I can love a person THIS much after everything he and I have been through since he left then there is no doubt in my mind that I will love him forever. My love for him is everlasting. It is a huge, pure and unconditional love, and if you have not noticed my love for him is not dependent on whether or not he's currently here in my life. My love for him is not dependent on... anything he's doing or not doing in his life. I just love him because I love him. Because I know he's an amazing person who was so so so good to me and my son and his presence blessed my life in so many ways that I can't help but adore him.
And. As difficult as it may be- James has shown me what my anger "feels" like. He has shown me that I cannot exist with all of that fear inside of me. Really it is more fear than anger. My anger is a byproduct of my fear. It's borne from feeling rejected. It is an unnecessary defense mechanism, like punching the doctor for giving me a shot because I feel like he's trying to hurt me. So really James is showing me what... my fear of not being loved feels like. The first two loving months we spent knowing each other felt so much nicer than after he left BUT this time that has come later has helped me see my shadow side so I can feel it and release it, and that had to happen. So while it hasn't been all kisses and cuddled and proclamations of love {and oh his proclamations of love are so so so very sweet, genuine and endearing} I realize it's changed me.
I am not perfect. I wish I could say knowing my twin soul and going through all of this has made me completely sober but it has not. I am still battling to stay totally sober. I don't really get "drunk" but I drink enough to... take the edge off. I wish I could say I am going to be SO strong for myself and for my son to where I will never take another drink- but I can't promise that. I DO wish I had him in my life that I could turn to and say, "It's much easier to stay sober with you IN my life instead of me battling my heartache and missing you every minute that I am awake." It is NO excuse I know but I promise you I would not feel the urge to drink like I do if I did not miss him as much as I do. I wish I could be "stronger" all the time. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I am not. *sigh* For a while I felt like I HAD to be sober in order for James to come back to me. I almost... stayed totally sober out of fear, fear that if I took a sip he'd have to slap the shit out of me in some way. But now I realize that's not it. It was not my drinking that caused him to go quiet. It was the ego-fits I'd have when under the influence of alcohol. I'd drink and then get SUPER hurt and fearful and feeling like I'd been rejected by both him and my guidance and I'd lose my shit inside, have a huge ego-fit and THEN he'd have to mirror me. And the alcohol totally helped me get to that place. Back then I thought it was the drinking alone but I know it isn't. I stayed totally sober for over a year and my twin soul did not magically come back to me because of it. I am not saying me being sober for just ME and my son is not the reason why I should avoid drinking, mainly for me of course, I am only stating the facts: I stayed sober, diligently sober, and it's not like my "perfection" in my sobriety brought him back. I just want to be clear here: I am not saying I think I need to avoid the bottle because I am hoping it will somehow bring James back, not at all.
Drinking is my own private battle. My sister carries a bottle of Beam in her purse and drinks all the time and she's fine, thinks nothing wrong of herself, and she always tells me, "You're not an alcoholic." I can sit down and have A glass of wine. But... when I am sad I like to drink so it softens the ache a bit. Nothing I am proud of. Nothing I am "excusing" away- I am just saying it is definitely a challenge for me... and if I had a strong supportive husband in my life who knew, who I could totally and openly confide in and turn to for a little emotional support, it would be much easier to not drink. Alone and aching, not so easy to stay sober or to not want to drink when alone.
Not so easy.
So I sit here and think about which battles to fight. I'm so not perfect. I am in the fight of my life to stay tempered and to gut all fear, doubt and the resulting anger that ensues from feeling fear and doubt out of my insides. I want to be LOVE. I might be sad or a bit lonely but being sad or a little lonely when all alone and missing someone I love is different than being afraid or angry over feeling "rejected" or like this is all unfair.
Does that make sense? I will continue to try and be as strong as I can with my drinking. I keep promising myself to not drink at all and then I break my promise and I feel like shit. I feel guilty. And weak. I will not drink in front of my son. But I feel like a hypocrite because I want my son to think I don't drink at all, and then I feel weak if I drink when he doesn't know it but at the very least I can try to be as smart as I can and not drink in front of him.
Man... I am doing my fucking best.
Do you know what I wish? I wish I could talk to James again and he'd do one of those things where he'd ask me something really uncomfortable just so I would be honest with him. But this time I'd take the bait. I'd jump at the opportunity to say, "Yeah you know what- I really have a desire to drink and it's a fucker." Like... I feel I could have A glass of beer. I could go for dinner and order a glass of wine but it would be awesome to have that partner in my life who realizes I'm going to have only one. Or none. Who I could be SO honest without being ashamed. And he tried to let me do that last year. He had to push the shit out of me to get me to do it though.
If I had the chance to talk with him again I'd be totally honest with him. I'd tell him anything I'm willing to share here on my blog because I know he loves me enough to accept me with all my "flaws" and imperfections and weaknesses and challenges. It's just a real bitch not being able to talk to him at all. I miss my friend. There is no other person on the face of this earth I could not contact and speak with or get a response from. And I want that with him. I want a "normal" connection where I can reach out and he can respond. I miss my friend. I miss our talks and discussions. I want the freedom to be honest with him, to confide in him, to be his friend and talk. I miss talking with my friend. As a human I don't think my desire to communicate with James through 3D words, actually talking with him, is wrong. I'll always wish for the moment when I can have a REAL truthful honest chat with my friend and Love again, always.
At the same time if I cannot manage to allow that to happen yet, in the mean time I will foster a love connection with him via the ether, from beyond the veil. I will love him through my energy as much as I possibly can. I will love him not knowing... anything besides the fact that there is this sweet adorable little man somewhere out there in the world who holds my heart in his gentle tender sexy hands.
But I will always WANT to talk with him and see him again, and I am really trying to be the best person I can be through all this damn ache. I am not perfect though. The best I can do is work my hardest on being "love" but that doesn't mean I won't get irritated with life, and it does not mean I will always be strong enough to stay totally sober.
I have a weekend alone ahead of me. My son is with his dad tonight and I have no plans. That's always a bit of a challenge for me. At least here I can pour out my feelings and share what is inside of me. At the moment I think this is the only thing that is saving me, so thank you to anyone who is actually still reading my ramblings. We are all in this together, and I appreciate you.
Jennifer
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