Sweet Love

I'm using my new phone to write this post today. I had a shattered murdered iPhone that was taped together and it only held and hour charge so I finally decided on a new phone, an android and I love it. Nice to treat myself from time to time!

I want to say something about my journey. It is challenging to listen to the popular guidance from others while also trying to walk my own path. This is because I am one who fully believes that in order to reach reunion one thing I must do is believe James is healthy, whole and ready right now to return to me. I must know he loves me fully and he is totally aware and oh so loving and sweet. I must always remind myself of the wonderful times we spent together and I must being that adorably angelic man close to my memory and heart every day. When I do this it's a bittersweet process. Feeling him so strongly makes me miss him even more and let's face it- missing someone makes us sad, more so in the case of a twin soul union. So I can't follow that popular advice of "You have to be oh so happy and joyful" while apart. I can't do that when every day I'm writing out our memories with tears streaming down my face when I recall how he would touch my face and gaze into my eyes and smile and then kiss me for hours while constantly telling me how much he loves me.

So I have to own my own journey and it might not match what popular guidance suggests. I DO remember my twin but sometimes it wrenches my heart out to do so because the reality of how perfectly sweet he is (but he's not here in my life) can be overwhelming. Yet I think I have to allow the ache, accept the tears and continue to feel our true sweet loving memories.

It is what I have to hold on to. Those honestly sweet memories.

Like him asking me if I've ever read "The Hitchhiker's Guide" and when I said no he bought it for me as a gift and have it to me, with candy, the next time he came to visit me. Like those never-ending kisses night after night, gentle passionate loving kisses, patient kisses, while never asking for more than those sweet kisses. Oh his kisses! We kisses on my couch evening after evening, losing time. No TV playing, nothing to distract us from being immersed in each other. His arms around me holding me close smiling at me making me giggle and then going in for more sweet kisses. Intoxicating kisses! And yes I understand those kisses show me just how much he loves me. I know he misses me and my kisses. 

Such a sweet, pure, genuine and gentle love. Fun love. Friendly safe love. Protective love!! He's a man proud and happy to show his love and affection, a REAL man. So if course I miss him! Of course I want his human adorable self in my life, here on earth. I dream of just melting into each other again, lost in eternal kisses. He always said he wants to kiss me good morning every morning and good night every night, in person. In his arms. And I hold on to That hope, that dream. I want my Love's sweet face to be the first thing I see each morning and the last gift I kiss each night. 

But to feel this way I must allow the ache. Opening your heart to FEEL so strongly takes courage. Its easier to run away or block or distract to keep the pain away but I fully believe none of those things attracts a twin soul back to us. I believe I MUST always feel his love in order to defend my town's true loving character. Honesty. 

It takes persistence, strength and bravery to hold on to truth in these unions. It takes work too, a conscious effort to focus on love.

But he deserves that from me, my dear sweet Love and friend. He's my friend too. He made me laugh! He always made me giggle and smile, and that is truth. He told little jokes and said funny stuff all the time; I love his humor.

I love HIM. I love his huge everlasting love for me, a love he showed me fully, a love I am grateful for and appreciate. I love his Atheism and his passion for science and education. I love his activist heart. I love that he wants to teach me how to golf. I love his wobbly little walk and his beautiful smile, bright glittering blue eyes. I love everything about him, his gentle nature and complete respect for me on all levels. He treated me with extreme care and kindness. I love that he met me and said he finally found his wife, finally met the woman he wanted to have a baby with- and I do hold on to all we dreamed of together. No matter what I hold on to those dreams. 

Focusing on love. It can ache but I'll accept the tears and let them wash away all that is left to be cleansed inside me. I do love this man and I believe he loves me too and is ready and waiting to come back to me.