This morning on my drive to work I kept thinking of something James has said to me in the past. He said it a few times, always before he had to "disappear" again. And it lets me know how hard this is on him.
I pray that I still have the opportunity to bring him back to me, to allow him back to me. Because that is where he is meant to be, with me. Together, on earth. I feel we are still "together" in spirit. Our love still exists. We love each other. The connection is all around us, in us, through us, linking us... forever. Yet we are meant to be together here on earth, in each others arms.
The thing he would say is this: "I'm sad because I love you."
And then within a day or two he'd be "gone" again. It always happened when I doubted, and then that doubt would make him have to go silent again. It is one of those things that shows me the specific nuances and "divinity" of this connection because James KNEW when he had to go. He KNEW it.
Do you understand clearly what I am saying? He was telling me, actually telling me, "I am so sad because I really DO love you and now I have to leave you, again, and this is hurting me because I don't want to go. I want to enjoy you. I want to come back to you. But now, because you are doubting me and my feelings for you, I have to leave again. I am sad because I love you. And now I have to leave you."
OH GOOD LORD.
I feel so... sad about this. Just sad. I feel like it's taken a while and our love is so strong and his desire to be with me has always been shown to me. He has ALWAYS let me know, even through this deepest darkest mirroring of my fears, that he really wants to see me again. That's bottom line: he's always wanted to see me again.
He told me once, "I can't ever go without seeing you again." He wants to see me again. As a matter of fact he's shown me that he is nervous because he NEEDS for me to get this so he can come back, and he wants to make sure that happens. Meaning... he'd be sad to have to stay away from me when all he really wants is to "look into my beautiful eyes again," his words.
I know he is sad to be away from me. I just know it. I've had people tell me I need to believe he is oh so happy right now. But what they do not understand is I am shooting myself in the foot when I convince myself that he is content without me. I can't believe that. I pray that my twin soul, my sweetheart and Love, is safe and protected always. But I can't sit here and say that I "believe" he's oh so happy without me. I hope he is happy like I am happy- making the most out of life while we are parted from each others human bodies. I want him happy and joyful yet I also know he is not as happy and joyful right now without me as he would be with me. I know he wants me in his life, and his life would be more colorful, more complete, with me in it. How do I know this? He told me. He told me, "I need you. I need you in my life."
I was just too scared to accept it then. Now I understand. Now I see how I denied his love, turned away from it, disbelieved it, doubted it. But I do know he loves me. I know he does. No matter the 3D circumstances I know we are still "together" and in love. The love exists, and that is the important part of all this.
The love.
I miss my twin soul's beautiful presence in my life. I mentioned that a while back I experienced an odd conversation that I feel was him. One of the things that was told to me we "Quit hiding. He wants you." And I keep thinking back to that. I don't think I've ever been totally honest with him or myself about believing that despite appearances- he really does love me. Like maybe I've felt I would seem whacked or delusional to actually fully believe that he still does love me. But I am shouting it out to the universe: I know my twin soul loves me. I know there is nowhere on earth he'd rather be than with me, and he would go anywhere or do anything to be with me.
No hiding from me. Only truth.
And man do I love him. My hands miss his hands. My arms miss his arms.
I miss you so much, my Love. I'm all yours, forever.
Jennifer
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