Something's Gotta Give

You all know from reading my blog that my heart is aching.  I do well for a while and then it all hits me and I fall apart.  Yesterday was a "fall apart" day.  This is why, if you read my blog you will notice that I've been feeling ANGRY.  Not really at James but at "the divine" or whatever is up there.  Well anger blocks my pain a lot.  When I am angry then I don't have to feel that ache so much. I throw this protective wall up, like a block of sorts.  It is hard to explain- almost like a shield.  My heart feels less that way, with the shield up.  But it is a shield of anger.  I still love my twin soul but I feel so much anger that the anger outweighs my love for him, overpowers it.  The anger is prevalent so even if he does not mirror that anger back to me it still does not seem to be getting me very far, being angry.  So it is my goal to work through this now and clear it, hopefully once and for all.  I want to feel love for the divine not anger. I guess if I had a better idea why I am going through this it would be easier but I'll have to make due with trusting that it's all for a good purpose.

Yesterday was an off day.  I am trying to dispel that anger and let it go.  Then I seem to feel more, and then I love him more, remember him more, feel him more, miss him more and ache for him more.  I wanted to cry all day and on my way home I finally did.  I had to clutch my chest because it hurts so bad, almost like I was hugging myself because it's all I could do.  Prayed to God I would not crash because I was crying while driving.  I don't remember the song... but it's the songs that do it to me.

Then this morning I got in the car and it was "Distance and Time."  And I bawled again.  I was smart enough not to wear mascara though.  I could tell... I feel emotional.  Quite simply I love the fuck out of James and I really ache to feel him in my arms again.

That said, let me switch gears for a moment.  My kid, PJ.  He's six and a half years-old.  He's SO joyful.  "EJD" Excessive Joy Disorder.  He's a "different" child.  PJ is VERY social and outgoing, and over-the-top loving.  He has no filters.  No qualms about running up to someone he barely knows, throwing his little arms around them as a hello and saying, "This is my new friend mommy.  He's my friend."  Oh... my heart.  He's SO sweet and endearing, my little boy.  But he's also got a shit ton of energy.  HUGE huge energy.  Like almost too much for his little boy body.

And he TALKS.  Oh my GOD does he talk!  He never stops talking.  He wants to talk to everyone about everything.  He's so tired by the end of his day that I put him to bed early and he falls right to sleep; he's exhausted himself.  So at school, in Kindergarten, we are having an issue with him being too talkative.  He does not want to "listen" well and he's, well, he's very "playful."  He tells knock knock jokes in the bathroom.  He laughs a lot.  He sings.  He always has a story to tell, something to add, a comment to make.  All sweetness and light... everyone loves him.  All the ladies in the office love him.  His teacher loves him... but he is having a hard time being still and quiet.  He's on a special "behavioral plan" for this and it's not going to great.  It is the TALKING.

So here I am.  Single mom.  Work all day.  Look forward to see my kid at the end of each day because he IS my ray of shining light in my darkness right now, okay?  I ache quite a bit so my son... he's a big part of my joy at this moment of my life and I do not feel bad or weak to say that.  So when I come home from work and pick him up the last thing I want is to be reprimanding him day in and day out about his talking.  And it's every day.

Yesterday he was scared when I got to after care to pick him up.  Because the night before I'd been pretty horrible to him.  I hurt exceptionally bad that night.  Irritated.  Frustrated.  Sad.  Aching.  AND TRYING TO KEEP IT ALL TOGETHER.  PJ would not focus on his homework.  He was too tired by this time.  I lost it and got angry and chaos ensued.  I screamed at him and threatened him that he needed to be quiet the next day, stop talking, pay attention... basically "Don't be your joyful happy self PJ- stifle it all day."

It kills me.  I love him SO much and all I want to do is be loving and gentle to him.  Yelling and getting frustrated with him is what I resort to when none of my "talking" with him works, or when taking the iPad away doesn't work, or when I make him sit alone crying in his room doesn't work.
Well it didn't do much good.  Nothing does right now.  He talked again at school yesterday.  He said to me, so frustrated and honest, "I just can't do it mommy!  I can't be quiet!  I have all these stories and words inside of me and they all just want to come out to all my friends!"  And the sad yet endearing thing is he's being honest.  It's almost impossible at this point in his development, being the kind of child he is with his super strong soul and HUGE gigantic shining personality, to be quiet and still.

To conform.  Oh GOD he's already a non-conformist... and here is the thing.  I am too.  I am quiet about it but I hate conformity.  I hate how our school system is arranged, no activity, forcing kids to be little adults, fucking pushing the childhood right out of them.

And as of yesterday... I am DONE.  Something in my life has got to give.  I can't do it all.  I can't be the perfect mother raising a perfectly well-behaved child while also trying so hard to get through this separation from James that breaks my heart daily AND stay loving and patient at every turn.  I CANNOT DO IT.

So what can I cut out?  For now I am done pushing my child to be so quiet and still.  He's like a freaking year-old Labrador puppy right now- getting "bigger" but still ALL child inside of him.  And all soul.  He's going to be someone when he gets older because he is SO self-assured.  Tons of self-esteem, enough to speak his mind and throw himself into making friends, and he's friends with EVERYONE.  Exuberant is his middle name.  So energetic and I just refuse to beat that out of him.

I refuse.

So I am going to gently remind him, ask him to be good to his teacher by trying to listen to her.  But I am going to stop the pushing and yelling and forcing.  I just don't have the energy.  It makes me sad.  I cry sometimes because I have to yell and threaten him and make him cry, and for what?

For being a CHILD.  For being a CHILD!!!!!

What the fuck?!  Am I the only one who sees a problem with our public education system?  I wish I had all the answers but I don't.  I only know it's screwed up to keep these little kids stuck in their seats nearly all fucking day long.  NO running off their energy but for maybe 15 minutes all day AND if he talks in the morning they take his precious little recess away and make him SIT.

Can anyone say "counterproductive?"  I am not saying let him run rampant but I am saying- I am using my "He's MY kid" mom-card to say I am done worrying about it for now.  I am not going to dread every end of day because I know I have to come down on him for being himself.

I can't do it all.  Something has to give so this is one of the things.  I can't even.  I just can't even.  He tells me ALL he time how much he loves me.  He kisses me and says, "I just can't stop kissing you I love you so much."  He writes "I love you" all over my notebooks and journals.  He tells me how pretty I am and how I am "The best mom ever."  I refuse to waste that energy at this point in his life by focusing so hard on trying to keep him quiet and behaved!  He's just so sweet.  All I want to do is spend the little precious time I have left with his as a little boy loving him.  So I will.

I want my son to be happy while he is still little.  I want him to feel free to be his energetic joyful little self, so I am going to let him.  Like I said I will work with him but I won't "force" him.  It will happen as he matures a bit.  And I am not rushing that.  He is my darling cuddly sweet loving friendly little boy.  I would not doubt my twin soul was a similar little boy, all happiness and light.

My son is my light right now.  We have a special bond, me and him.  So as his mom I get to call the shots, and this is one I am calling.

We'll tackle it in first grade ;)

This is him, dancing.  Being silly, as usual.  He calls those his "plumber boots."

I miss James with all my heart and my son is the part of my life that keeps me going.  He is precious to me.  Others might think I am too "lenient" on him but heck I am teaching him table manners, how to speak to people properly and with respect, how to love, and he even holds the door for people.  I am doing what I feel is right with him.  That's my job as his mom.  I get to make that call.

I can't stop crying today.  I really hope this is clearing something from me.  I am looking forward to seeing my son at the end of my day today and having a good cuddle.

In my dreams James will be joining us.  It makes me so sad that James is missing out on my son's childhood.  He and PJ would get along exceptionally well.  It is one of my biggest dreams to see the two of them together again.