Goofball

James is a goofball.  He is silly.  Being with him was very fun and refreshing because he was totally friendly and funny.  He made me laugh.  I giggled a lot around him; he made me feel so young again.

He has a beautiful smile.  He smiled a lot when we were together.  We would kiss and kiss and kiss and then he'd pull back from me just a bit, make eye contact and then smile or something to make me grin and giggle.

Last year he sent me the last pictures I've seen of him.  In one of them he was being totally silly and it was a strong reminder of the cute and funny man I dated.  I was thinking of that photo this morning.  Seeing pictures of him can make me ache so I often simply rely on the image of him I carry in my heart instead of looking at actual pictures of him.  Thinking of the photo made me smile, and then this song came on the radio and I bawled like a baby.

This song means a lot to me in this journey.  I heard it early on and knew it was for us.  He cried when he left me.  We had a long goodbye although I had no idea what was going to happen between us.  I just thought my new super sweet adorable boyfriend who said he wanted to marry me was... going away for a while.  I assumed I'd see him soon.  I assumed I'd kiss him soon.  I assumed we'd be married and parents to our own child by now.

"Light up light up, as if you had a choice.  Even if you cannot hear my voice I'll be right besides you dear."

*sigh*  I miss him a lot right now.  I mean I always miss him because I love him so very much but lately it really is more of a pure clear love with no fear.  I know who he is, the endearingly sweet gentle man I dated.  I can't stop thinking of our memories.  We squeezed in a lot of love in the short time we were together.  As he said, "It feels like we squeezed six years of love into six weeks."  HE said that.  I remember!  We were sitting on my couch on our last night together, cuddling like we did every time we were together.  Sitting pretty much on his lap, his arms around me.  We were both kind of sad but still enjoying each others company.  But the energy was charged in many ways: sadness but also strong love.  And he pulled me close and said those words about squeezing in six years of love into six weeks- and he was being sincere.  We meant a lot to each other.  He treated me very well.  It is bittersweet.  I love our memories but at the same time they make me ache because he really was and is so perfect, and I miss him.  I miss him so so much.  I wish he was back in my life and in my arms right now.

But I know I have to remain consistent in my energy.  Love and goodness, always releasing ego to be filled more and more with love.  Funny I had some stupid dreams here lately.  One was about poop, literally there was this big huge pile of shit on the ground.  And last night I dreamed that I had nasty infection coming out of my body.  And I can only assume it represents purging shit out of me, shit and infection and dis-ease.  I am hoping it represents me cleaning myself out of any shadowy energies leaving space for more and more love to be grown, nurtured, cultivated, sown.  You reap what you sow and I want to sow only love.  I want to BE only love, first for me and then in the hopes that it will shift my energy and my twin can show me love again.  I pray, as always, that I still have the opportunity available to me.

I know I am meant to be Light on earth, and I am being conscious of this fact.  I really am working to scoop out any energy that does not serve me so I can be only love.  I know James is helping me with this by showing me clearly the things I need to heal and release.  He shows me my fears and disbelief or wrong beliefs so I can overcome those things and know truth which is always only love.  I know we have a strong cosmic connection and his energy is always with me.  But damn do I miss his human self with me.  I miss my sweet little Atheist Geologist boyfriend with his little bouncy step and always-smiling face.  I miss him activist nature and how passionate he is about education and being merciful, his attention for the environment and the earth and animals and... he has a soft spot for those beings who need protection, for people, children, women, animals, the environment- those energies that are often taken for grated or misused- he feels passionately about protecting life.  He is so awakened and aware and conscious and I love him so very much for it.  I knew he was special and I was right.  He is special enough to be my very strong twin soul.

I am at a point where I don't know when or if I will ever see his face again.  I have HOPE that I will.  I keep believing that I will.  I won't know until I can shift my energy and stick with it consistently.  But even in the "not knowing" I can say that I am thankful for knowing him and experiencing his huge love.  I am thankful, even though it's been rough, that he has shown me the shit inside of myself that does not serve my higher good or my heart.  He has done a lot for me and I love him for it.  I will always love James for all he's done for me and for the love he showed me.

But I miss making love with my sweetheart.  I miss laying beneath him and looking into his intense blue eyes while he moved inside of me, so passionate, so loving, so... good.  Amazing.  I miss his sweet tender nature and how he touched my face so gently before he'd kiss me.  I miss how we'd sit entwined on my couch for hours kissing.  He'd sit down and we'd have to find that comfortable spot to turn to each other and fit just right so we could be embraced all evening long just kissing and giggling and quietly talking for a moment before continuing to snog each others faces off.  And OH boy did we kiss.  I am serious- we are talking marathon kisses here, gold star kisses.  I've been with men before who are "good kissers" and soul energy was shared between us.  But there is a difference between those men and James, a big one.  Those kisses were intense and they lead quickly to "more."  I kissed them and it was physical rather quickly, like the kisses were only a warm up to being in bed.

With James it was so much different.  We kissed to enjoy each others presence and closeness.  We kissed to connect and be intimate together yet innocently.  Patiently knowing one another where a kiss was enough.  A cuddle felt perfect.  He would have waited forever for me and always loved me.  There are many reasons why I love this man, and why I believe in him and his love for me.  A big reason is because he did wait so patiently to make love with me.  Kissing me was enough for him.  As long as he could be close to me he was happy.  He loved touching me even if it was simple tender innocent touches on my face or arms.  He reveled in our time together.  He was so very respectful of me and protected my heart and body.  I LOVE that so much about him, and I always will.  It is a rarity in this world to have a man be so so so patient and understanding when it comes to being physical.  He made ME feel so special.  Another reason is because in the short time I knew him he made the effort to include my son in our time together and for that I will always love him.  I can believe him past the "mirror illusion" because he was so sweet to me, and he was very kind to my son.  It only takes one good experience, like him planning our play date together with my son, to know someone is a good man.  A loving man.  A kind man with a nature that is steadfast and true.  This is why I believe.  These are the things I hold on to when it gets dark and scary.  Memories like him loading us in his little two door manual transmission car, my son's huge car seat too, to take us out for the day.  I will never forget that day.  It is my most favorite memory of my life.  He did not have to do it because I'd already known he had plans for that evening so I assumed I would not be seeing him.  He took the opportunity to plan the day with us.  He asked me.  He told me not to get a sitter but to bring my son with us and we could all spend the day together.  It blew my mind.  His kindness and thoughtfulness took my breath away and stole my heart completely.  Watching him interact with my child, helping him and teaching him how to golf, is something I cannot ever "get over" or let go.  I will always love him for how wonderful he was to me, to us.

I wish I... had held on back then.  I wish I would have went home each night and taken out my journal and told God just how grateful and thankful I was for this amazing man who came into my life and fell so hard in love with me who wanted me to be happy and was so genuinely caring and loving and protective of me.  Who made the effort to see me.  Who was attentive and affectionate and wonderful.  I wish I would have just focused on all that was good and happy in my life instead of worrying.  I wish I would have listened.  I get very sad to know I could have avoided all of this and James could be with me right now.  I want him back in my life with all my heart.  I remember everything about him, all of his goodness and Light.  His smile.  His warm embrance.  His huge generosity and thoughtfulness in bringing me little gifts each time he came over.  I had it so perfectly good with him, my gift.  A treasure.  He showed me always how much he loves me.  He was proud and happy to show his love for me!  He enjoyed doing so.  He is a man who wears his heart on his sleeve and is thrilled to do so.

I.  Miss. My.  Love.  All I want to do is hold him again.  Kiss his lips.  Gaze into his beautiful eyes again.  I need no explanation.  No apologies, as if there is anything to apologize for.  There is not.  If anything I wish I could tell him how sorry I am.  Sorry for doubting him.  Sorry for turning away.  Sorry for being afraid.  But I can't beat myself up.  I was not ready.  It's taken a while, and I am still working on this.  Still working on holding on to truth and letting go of illusion.  But there is a lot of illusion to overlook.  I just tell myself over and over, "I know who he is.  I know truth.  I know he loves me and wants me back and aches without me just like he did when we were together.  Nothing has changed.  Our love still exists, and it is a true and beautiful love."

Yes, it is like living in my own little world.  But once you watch things change right in front of your very eyes and reality being manipulated- it IS like living in your own little world.  And I am okay with that.  I am okay with anything, being by myself, being celibate, being as loving as I possibly can be, writing my heart out every day, if it offers me the possibility of one day being with my Love again.  He means the world to me.  He is my universe.  I love him so deeply- it's a beautiful love.

The love we have for each other is a beautiful love, no matter the circumstances.

Oh how I miss you, my Love.  I miss you with each breath I take.  You are my everything.  You are my favorite goofball and I look forward to the moment when we can laugh together again, my friend.