I've heard this song many times in the last months and yes, it's a great song. Every time I hear it I think to myself, "Yes I am still in this. I am practicing love. I am fighting my fears." I especially like the lyrics, "Even if we can't find heaven I'll walk through Hell with you." I hear it and tell myself that I will get through this to the end, and I will always love James and believe in him.
Well the other day a friend of mine said something that made me think. She told me he won't wait forever. She made me feel like I am not doing "good enough" and I am taking too long. And in all honesty I feel like I have worked very hard to get this far in my union. I've stared some really deep fears in the face and said, "I do not believe in you." Do I wish I was reunited already? Yes. Do I wish I could go back to August 20, 2013 and do it all over again knowing what I know now? HELLS YES I do. I'd go back and thank God a million times over, every single morning and night, for bringing James to me. I'd thank MYSELF for "manifesting" him into my life. I'd thank James for loving me so completely, so beautifully, so gently... so Heavenly! I'd love both of us through and through. I'd focus only on love and gratitude and I'd know, always, of his love for me. I'd trust his love for me. I'd revel in his love for me. I'd ENJOY his huge ginormous beautiful sparking delicious love for me!!! Oh God I'd make love with him a million times and each time I'd literally say, "Oh God oh God!" and totally mean it, oh God thank you for bringing this angel of a man to me! Thank you to the universe and back down to my heart again.
*sigh* If only, right? If only. Of course I wish we were together right now. But I was not ready then. I was very sweet and loving and kind and gentle. I loved him dearly; I really did. I WAS entirely thankful to know him and have him in my life. But I was skeptical. I worried. I questioned if he was truly as great as he presented himself to be... and I did these things because of past experiences not because James himself gave me any reason to do so. I was scared and I had a very hard time believing that a man as absolutely divinely wonderful as he is could ever love me as fully as he showed me he did.
And now, almost 29 months later, here we are, still. And when my friend said this to me it caused me some worry. I do have a tendency to "run" in my own way, like I explained about talking to this other man recently. That won't bring me closer to my twin but at the moment it seemed easy to do. I've been without anyone physically in my life for a while. I don't talk to many people, especially never men. When an actually nice guy comes along it's kind of tempting to get to know him better. But I know this is not the right thing for my union. So sometimes yes I've let my attention stray, and I have... been shown the consequences in the past. But right now I am believing through a lot. And the silence can be a challenge yet I can see where I still do create the silence through some doubts I still have from time to time and from me talking to other men because I get scared.
I am the "lagging" twin. I know James is out there playing his part while I work through my stuff. And I am honestly committed to getting through this no matter what the "end" brings us because true love always exists, always. That said- I don't want to feel like he is... upset with me or something because I am taking too long or holding us up. I am definitely working hard to keep my energy focused, and I will continue to do so. I am taking this very seriously, and YES I do pray often. I keep God in my mind and heart and I talk to God a lot. I am keeping all anger out of my being. There is NO room for it, and no need... and no reason since I am the one who created my situation. ME.
When I heard this song today I felt like maybe this is James' message for me. Telling me not to worry, that he is here walking this with me and he will go through Hell with me because he knows I am fighting through a lot. And he loves me no matter what. And I am going through a lot. I can't be hard on myself. I just can't. I've had so much from my past to overcome and old fearful beliefs to shake. I've had to learn how to forgive myself and love myself the way I forgive and love others. It's SO easy for me to love other people. It's been Hell learning to love myself. I love so hard. I love James so much but it was impossible for me back then to think I was good enough for his love to last. I knew he "loved" me but I was still afraid he would not choose me in the end, like his love would not be strong enough to choose me, and that is really a Hellish fear to always have inside. It was a belief and fear that had to leave me. I understand that. All of that has taken a long time to get past. Believing in him after he's had to mirror me so heavily has been a test as well, a test for me to always know only TRUTH and not cave to believing in fear. I have to always know and focus on the truth that he loves me deeply, wants me back in his life, never wanted to leave me in the first place, is only doing his soul job with me, and he's the same kind, loving, caring, dear sweet respectful gentle person I shared blissful time with. I understand, and I am working on it.
Really I am. Every day I am. If you honestly knew how much I've written you'd think I am utterly psychotic. Journals and journals. And here on the blog. But it's been healing for me and it allows me to deeply track my moods, what I'm feeling and thinking. I really have worked hard. All I want is to see his bright shining loving face again. Yes I want healing. I want to be divine love. I want to do whatever God has planned for me... but my own personal heart-desire and the dream I hold closest to my heart is to be with my Love again. I know him. So I am going to believe this is his song for me to let me know he is always here with me and he knows. He knows I'm trying. He knows all my scars and old shame. He just knows my journey and what I've battled. He knows I am Psyche who has been to Hades and I working my way through and out, upwards to the light again. And he wants me to know he's always here for me, standing by me and he will always be waiting for me because he loves me through and through and he is my adorable and precious twin soul.
Stand by You
Hands
Put your empty hands in mine
And scars
Show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine so yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I
And love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine so yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
Yeah, you're all I never knew I needed
And the heart, sometimes it's unclear why it's beating
And love, if your wings are broken
We can brave through those emotions too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
And oh, truth, I guess truth is what you believe in
And faith, I think faith is having a reason
And I know my love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine so yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
I'll be your eyes 'till yours can't shine
And I'll be your arms, I'll be your steady satellite
Now when you can't rise, well, I'll cry with you on hands and knees
(Cause I) Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
Love, you're not alone
I'm gonna stand by you
This cute little video has always reminded me of him. I know my dear precious love is out there and he looks up at the moon and thinks of me, missed me and hopes for the day when he can see my sweet face again. I just know it. I love you, always, my sweetheart. Thank you for doing this with me. I love you for all you do for me. I love you for being you. You are precious and dear and sweet, like the little one from this adorableness below. It's just as cute as you are.
XxOo
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