My X-Files Life

I am a HUGE gigantic X-Phile.  That means I'm a ginormous X-Files nerd.  I loved the original series and it shaped my world back then.  Absolutely LOVE Scully and Mulder, and I've {go figure} always had an affinity for the paranormal.  My soul knew before I did, and I was glued to the TV back in the day to catch these two working together to solve the "Monster of The Week" mystery while they fought to believe and find the truth.  I even wrote my MA thesis on The X-Files and Postmodern Theory, Postmodern Paranoia.  LOVE love love!!!

"I Want to Believe" and "The Truth Is out There" <--- hello, welcome to my life.

So last night was episode five of the new season they created *can you hear the angels singing?*  I've been going to my BFF's house to watch it because I don't have cable at my house.  We have a TV set and a DVD player but we don't just watch "TV."  Our TV barely plays at all.  When I got to my friend Bev's house last night I told her some things I am feeling and experiencing, and she knew I've been feeling very angry.  I told her how I know I need to let the anger go now and choose love over fear and anger, and we spoke about "hubris" and how I was warned about my "hubris" back before the holidays, and James has been used as my mirror to show me much of this.  We talked more about The Law of Attraction and how my every single thought or word spoken or written is creating my reality.  As a matter of fact while I was walking into her house I was thinking, "Oh that one guy stopped contacting me.  Maybe he'll just drift off now," and right then he sent me a message on Facebook.  Right that very moment.  As I thought of it.  In-my-face.

Bev is a great friend.  She talks through things with me and she loves James for what he's doing with me.  She always says she can't wait to meet him, and she knows how much I love him.  She always understands me and never doubts me or questions me.  We talked for a while then started the show.  And half way through the show Mulder is talking about our thoughts and beliefs and our words, very specifically our words, create our reality.  The whole episode was spiritual.  In the end Mulder and Scully are having a heart-to-heart talk as they are walking along hand in hand.  Mulder had a spiritual experience where he knew unconditional love.  And Scully came up against pure hate.  They were discussing how we are currently in a battle between unconditional love and fear/hate.

As they were talking about God Scully said, "And man was punished for his hubris."  And Bev paused the show and was like, "WTF!" and I was too- the whole episode was a reflection of the ongoing themes in my life right now.  EVEN HUBRIS.  Mulder's talk about unconditional love needing to overpower hatred, and they discussed how we are all meant to "speak the same language" and be "one."  *sigh*  It was... very divine for me.

It continued after I left.  I was shown that I need to focus intently ONLY on what I want, not what I do not want.  I need to focus on love and belief.  Always.  And I do mean always.  There is no room for "slippage."  I saw this last night.  I allowed myself earlier in the evening to speak a bit of fear to my roommate.  Then later that fear was totally reflected to me and I showed her.  She was like, "It's immediate with you.  It's happening right away."  And it is.  I can't blame anyone else.  It is ME. I could be wrong, maybe it is just my imagination {highly doubtful} but there is this one thing out there that I feel is used as a reflection of my energy, and it's clear.  When I feel more loving it shows it to me, and when I feel fear and doubt that is there too.  I know not to... think of it as "truth" because the only truth about me and James is the time we spent together, our phone calls, our loving text messages and any little thing here or there that is truly purely loving.  THAT is truth.  Anything else I can use as a gauge to see where my energy is but I don't look at it as "Oh this is truth."  Confusing I know but sometimes these journeys are a little mysterious.

Like my life is an episode of The X-Files. 

One thing is I really don't know what the future holds, and in the past that scared me and made me want to pull away.  I do hope to hear from James again.  My prayer is that I clear my energy, get rid of anger and fear, practice gratitude, think loving thoughts of him, remember the real him, let go of the "scary mirror" to know only truth, and once my energy is straight and loving and truth then he will be able to come back to me again.  That is my prayer.  I have my faith and belief in knowing he is holding his heart space for me, holding out for me, loving me, helping me and will be with me again soon.  I have to hold on to my belief and faith in his return, in our reunion.  Why?  Because I do want romantic love in my life, a loving wonderful partner.  And I want that to be James.  I feel he is supposed to be able to come back to me.  And only I can allow him to return so yes, keeping a focus on knowing the real him, his truth and love, is still an important part of my journey.  But it all comes from my energy.  I am the one responsible here.  I have to be aware at all times, and consciously control my thoughts, intentions and beliefs.

I have to shift it up.

And God loves me so much that they used one of my most favorite things in the whole wide world, my buddies Scully and Mulder,  to send my message of the importance of choosing love home last night.  No messing around.  Could not be ignored.  It was so bold that even Bev noticed it.  And that was refreshing, to have someone else see and say, "Yes I understand what is happening to you and I support you through it as your friend."

I feel very blessed and thankful to have received the messages I did last night.  One was a bit frightening and I won't be explaining it but I am choosing not to put any energy towards it because I know it is a reflection of my thoughts earlier in the evening.  Yet it showed me how quickly I am shown my thoughts so I have to be aware.  I am going back to focusing on gratitude and being thankful for my blessings.  That helps my energy.  I want to do anything that keeps my energy focused on love and Light.  I do understand that we are going through a shift, and man am I feeling it.  Many many of us are right now, and our twin souls are helping us with this.

Interesting stuff.

James is my Mulder, my forever love.  <3  XxOo

I wish SO much that we could talk about The X-Files together, laugh and giggle and share again.  I miss him so much. 

I believe, and the truth is in here.

Jennifer