Endearing

I am really aching for the endearing man, friend and lover I dated and knew, the guy who was in my life and who treated me with great love and care.  I miss him so much and I wish with all of my heart that I could talk to James again.  I want to talk to the REAL James!  My truth!  The man I knew, who was in my life.  I am having a difficult time right now because I want that LOVING man back, and I want to talk to him again.  The last time I saw him... I had no idea any of this would happen.  And I just want him BACK.  I just want my Love back.

I miss him so much.  Nothing much about these last 28 months has been normal except for the few times when he was able to be "truth" again which is his kind loving self.  I'm thoroughly exhausted by this process and all I can come up with now is that I am going through this because I am being forced to own my TRUTH.

All I care about right now as far as this journey is concerned is James.  I want to talk to my friend again.  I KNOW who he is!  That is what is frustrating me right now.  I KNOW James.  I remember him.  I know he is the sweet man who put in the time and effort to see me and get to know me, who fell in love with me, hard love.  I know that man.  I know who he is.  So where is he? When can I have him back?  I want him back NOW.

I don't believe that some "God" holds things back from us to force us to learn patience or to follow some kind of "divine timing."  Divine timing is energetic.  When the energy is right it happens, not when the "time" is right.  So what else do I have to do?  I want to hear from my love again, and yes he is still my love.  We never ended and I know he feels the same about me now as he did then, total love, needing to be near me, wanting me in his life.

Love.  Love is all I have for him.  I love him and I want him back in my life.  I know he's a good man.  I could cry right now because I know he's a good man.  A GOOD man.  I know he is only 100% the man I dated.  I will admit I've kind of allowed myself to believe things here and there that I shouldn't have.  At times (due to the mirroring) I've had a hard time "remembering" the sweet man I dated.  I start to assume things about him or worry or really just forget.  I start to let these crazy doubts pop into my head (and no I won't spell them out here but they are born from my own insecurities) and then those doubts have grown and then I more and more forget the man I knew.

But fuck that.  I remember that guy.  He's a good guy.  A FUNNY guy.  A friendly fun-loving guy who always made me laugh.  He has a quirky way about him, funny quirky, where his little quips and lovingly teasing me always made me giggle.  He could just look at me and make a funny face and I'd laugh... even right in the middle of a make out session he'd pull back, make a silly face and I'd laugh.  And it felt good to laugh because I don't laugh enough.  But he made me laugh.  He always made me laugh!  And his "scientist" self.  Honestly it is a part about him that I love so much!  His passion for science and the cosmos and for what he's intrigued by... my Geologist.  I MISS that guy.  The one who is like a total golf fanatic, loves golf through and through.  Sweet, endearing, a "guy's guy" yet still SO affectionate and loving.  Some men view showing affection to a woman as being weak but in my opinion it is a REAL man who is comfortable showing his Love affection, and that is James.  James was very comfortable being affectionate with me, even in public.  He held my hand wherever we went.  He kissed me in public.  He laughed with me and was proud to have me there with him.  He was HAPPY I was his girlfriend.  And he showed me.  He always walked with this little bounce in his step and he'd hold my hand and was always looking at me and smiling while we walked, like he was just so thrilled, so content, so happy.  Joyful.  Being with me brought him joy.

That is the man I know.  None of the rest matters to me except to show me exactly how my fears can FUCK ME, and not in a good way.  Fear, oh fear.  We DO manifest.  Just so y'all realize it- we twin souls are manifestors and whatever you focus on you WILL create in some way or another.  So yes he's been my "soul partner" and helper to show me that I can no longer have these strong fears.  He had to show them to me in order for me to see them so I can work on no longer believing the fear.  I understand that.  And I do love him for it.  I love my helper and my friend.  I miss my little partner in crime, my compadre.   I miss my friend a lot.  And he is my friend.  We spent hours and hours talking and getting to know one another, and he always looked forward to talking to me or reading my messages.  He told me so.  He told me he loves knowing me, reading my words, knowing my heart.  And we talked all the time!  He could not get enough of me, and I know THAT is truth.  Ugh!  I want that man back in my life so bad.  I MISS that man.

Listen I know what I've done.  I know what I created, things I don't like.  It's not like I don't know what I've done.  I do know but all I want now is to de-create what I created that I really didn't want, and re-create what I had that I love!

I miss my helper.  I heard the song "Babe" by Styx this weekend and it made me sigh because it reminds me of us so much, and the song says, "I'll be lonely without you and I'll need your love to see me through. So please believe me my heart is in your hands and I'll be missing you.  Babe I love you."  THIS.  THIS is why I love him so much!  Because I know he never wanted to leave me!  I know it.  I'd bet my very life on it.  He wanted to stay with me.  He fell hard in love with me and he wanted to be WITH me, and he still does.  And he is lonely without me, and he is hoping that I can trust in him and his love and hold his heart gently in my hands while he is gone because he left it with me.  He misses me too.  And I do love him so very much.

So very much.

But you can love someone and still fear him or doubt him.  And there have been times when I have believed the "nonsense" instead of believing in the TRUTH of the man I knew.  And I need to stop doing that now altogether.  James and I had an odd discussion last year {one of those where I had to fight through my fears to know truth} where he told me that "honesty" means the most to him.  And then the next day I got in the car and the last words to a Billy Joel song were playing, "Honesty is hardly ever heard and it's mostly what I need from you."

Honesty.  My guidance always told me I had to know truth.  To focus on truth.  To own truth, and to defend truth.  Well "honesty" is the act of being truthful, of sharing the truth and living by the TRUTH.

Truth?  Truth is James is the loving, kind, caring, gentle, empathetic, respectful, happy, considerate, affectionate, friendly and funny man I knew when he was in my life.  Nothing less.  No matter what crazy shit I've seen {illusion} throughout this journey I know 110% that he is the wonderfully sweet endearing man I dated.  I don't care how long ago it was or where he might be right now... time and distance mean nothing when it comes to true love.  True love overcomes all.

I woke about 4:30 AM this weekend and way lying in bed half asleep and I was thinking about how long it's been.  I thought, "It's been so long."  And I was also thinking he seems so far away.  But then I thought, "It doesn't matter how long it's been or where he is."  And a few seconds later a song started playing in my head.  Nothing I was thinking of, just those lyrics that flow through on their own, given to me I'm sure.

Two Occasions Babyface

"A summer love is beautiful
But it's not enough
To satisfy emotions
That are shared between us
A winter love is cozy
But I need so much more
It just intensifies my wants
To have a love that endures

'Cause every time I close my eyes
I think of you
And no matter what the season nears
I still love you
With all my heart
And I wanna be with you
Wherever you are

I only think of you on two occasions
That's day and night
I'd go for broke if I could be with you
Only you can make it right"

It's funny how spirit uses a lot of 70s, 80s and 90s songs to speak to me about James, or my twin soul is giving me the songs himself.  We lived our youth in the 70s and 80s, college years in the 90s.  But we consider ourselves to be "children of the 80s" and James loves 80s music.  He shared it with me all the time and I associate him with that music.  80s music.  My scientist and lover of "punk" 80s music.  I can see that about him.  I'll bet he was totally adorable back then with his little spiky hair.  I wish I could have been his high school girlfriend and went to prom with him.  Had I known him back then I'm sure I would have had a crush on him.

*sigh*

I am not going to sit here and list out the erroneous things I've allowed myself to think about him while we have been separated but I can tell you that when I think something that is not him then spirit will... show me more of that.  And then I lose the real him more and more.  Until I put my foot down and tell myself, "Damn it, no!"  I refuse to forget the good man I knew or allow fear to make him into someone he is not in my head.  Seriously the ONLY things I know about him is what he showed me.  Atheist with a strong moral code, activist and humanitarian, enlightened in his own secular manner, Geologist in love with the universe, VERY affectionate and loving, almost more like "feminine energy" in his ability to be free with his affection and loving LOVE yet he is still totally masculine in his strength and... sexiness, lol.  Attractive but maybe not as aware of it as I thought he'd be.  Very into me in all ways, fell hard for me.  Treated me like an angel.  Perfection.  Non-stop kisses.  Always kissing me or wanting to kiss me or thinking about kissing me or telling me he wanted to kiss me, and when we were together basically all we did was kiss.  He always had to be kissing me.  When he was in my life he made me feel so young again, like I was back in high school.  A pure innocent loving kind of love.  Fun and exciting and just so clean and special. 

And he wants to teach me how to golf, and my son. 

He was wonderful with my son and very respectful about him and my role as a mommy.  And he said he wanted to be his step-dad and be a mentor to him and teach him science and sports.  THAT is the man I know.  My angel.

I remember that man with fondness and I refuse to let anything take his memory for me or skew it.  I KNOW who he is, and I know that is truth.

I miss him to no end.  I'd give anything to talk to my friend, truth and Love again.  Like this song, "I'd go for broke if I could be with you," I absolutely dream of the day when I can finally see this man again.  It needs to be soon.  I know we love each other.  I really do, and I miss my pal.  I realize he's my "twin soul" and my mirror so he's played his role, and it's probably exhausted him like it has me.  I am certain he's out there wishing he could just show me his love and truth again.  I want that too, very much.

But I also realize something really important about all this.  I must only believe in the man James showed me he is either face to face while he was in my life or the times when we spoke on the phone.  ONLY that is his truth.  The LOVE is truth, and I must only believe it, nothing less, nothing else.  Totally important.  And I do.  I know who he is, my sweet cute brilliant loving Geologist, Atheist.  I miss his Atheism.  I miss talking with him about life.  And about our love.

I heard this song recently too and it is him.  In all ways.  The lyrics fit perfectly and I know this is the kind of music he likes.  When I hear this song it brings James to my mind and heart as if he was just here with me.  Bittersweet.

I love and miss my love.  With all my heart.

Love Song, The Cure

"However far away,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you.
I will always love you."