I'd written another blog post with this same title and I deleted it because I did not like all of the energy behind it. Recently I've been really concentrating on only thinking goodness and belief about this twin soul situation, about James, about myself, and about his love for me. I know it's what has been asked of me, and it helps to clear me of ego. It helps to shift me from fear to love. I can feel it happening inside of me.
But I want to talk to James. I miss him ferociously. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss him. All I want is him back in my life. That said... as I've written, and as I'm consciously trying to manifest shifting my energy as it pertains to James, three men from my past have oddly-timed reached out to me, and I am trying to figure out why. I am trying to see this from a higher perspective, from a soul level.
Why would other men contact me when all I want is James? All of the contact has been... nothing bad. Basically saying hello. Reminders that I am thought of. One who is my friend now tells me "Good morning beautiful," and I have a mixture of emotions. Thankfulness in being treated so nicely, and also sadness that it is not my James because he used to say the same thing; he gave me a sweet hello every single morning from the first time we began talking, and I miss him so much that the contact from a different man is bittersweet. So today I am telling myself a few different things about this contact.
1) It's not a coincidence, that's for sure. All three men who've said hello have told me they love me in the past. One of them I had platonic feelings for- it was never romantic between us although I cared for him and still do. He always expressed his love for me and says to this day I'm the best friend he's ever had. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding why he was so enamored with me, and maybe that is part of my problem. And all three still "think" of me. Dare I say they miss me.
2) Maybe it is more to show me that I am thought of, remembered, and less that I am being "tested." Maybe I can ease up on the feeling so "tested." I only want James. I think I've made that clear. I tried going on a date, and while he was very sweet I was also shown I am not meant to be dating. My James is waiting for me. I know it. I really do. I have proof. We've had contact. He's told me himself that he hoped to see me, hopes to be with me again. The quiet all boils down to the fact that he is my full spiritual mirror and he WILL show me any doubts I have inside of myself. He has to- that's his job with me, his role in our journey together. So he cannot just reach out even if he wants to. He has to show my my energy until I shift it from fear to love. These other men are NOT my full mirrors. They are soul mates and they have the luxury of being able to show me they miss me, show me they think of me still. So I wonder if the contact is to also reiterate that I am not forgettable. To remind me that I make an impact. That they think of me still. I can't allow myself to taint my memories of my soul mates. That last one, K, was hard. We were close. I loved him and he loved me. I remember him sitting on my couch clutching me, shaking a bit, and saying, "I love you so much- what am I going to do?" He went through his own sadness in knowing he would not change his life and we'd come to an end. It is not easy to fall in love with someone while being committed to another. I know it was not easy for him... even though often my heart forgets this. One time last year my sister was "pushing my fear buttons." I know she was meant to. And she went off on me about how James left me behind and didn't care about me. As she was speaking my fears to me she also said, "And I don't think this K guy was as nice as you think he is either." And honestly she had no reason or rhyme to say that to me. She met him herself and he was friendly. He took me to dinner. He took me to a movie- he did things with me that he ached to do "for real" and not on the sneak. I KNOW IT. I refuse to bastardize my memories by thinking, "Oh he just wants a piece of ass." No. Would he like to see me again? Probably. Would he kinda hope to kiss me and stuff again? Yeah, I'd think so. He told me a while back that when he has to drive near my area all he wants to do is pull off at my stop, drive to my house, sweep me up and kiss me. But it's more than "using me." It is because he cared for me, and he has... still an emotional attachment to me. Jason told me not long ago that now that he is single he is so afraid that he will never meet a woman who is like me. He actually said, "Not my wife but you. I am afraid I'll never meet anyone again who I connect with like I did you." I am not going to sit here feeling badly or icky because my past soul mates still think of me with fondness. I really don't think I am meant to feel any negativity over being contacted. It is just to bring certain energies to light, to my mind. And maybe it is to further reiterate to me: YOU ARE WORTHY.
3) And also it still does show me that I won't go back there. I am not saying they are "bad" in any way but the situations were not good for me. In the end I had to choose better for myself. And I did, and I would never go back to that level of spiritual development. It would be regressing. K was like breaking an addiction in the end. It was not easy. It hurt. To go back to that situation would be hurting myself and lowering my energy, and I love myself and protect myself now to the point where I will only choose higher. There was time when I would have wanted to talk to K, engage him in conversation, get some attention from him. Now that time is long past. We are not meant to be "friends" in 3D. Our time is over. But I do wish him all the happiness and joy in the world, and I PRAY that his marriage is happier now, and that HE is happier now. I really want K, my dear soul mate, to be happy. If you only knew... how I agonized over him and his happiness and his life. I have always wanted the best for him. Letting him go was a big step for me. James came into my life, I think, to also help me with keeping K gone from my life. I actually had to tell James a bit about K, and he said that he hoped in meeting him he'd take my mind completely off of K, totally. And in the end- that's what happened. I love James so very much that I AM fully devoted to him. I have no other choice. I feel it is me following Divine Will over Free Will. It is what my heart and soul both want, to have faith and stay in belief and follow this overwhelming love I have inside myself for this man who showed me a love that I am meant for. I am not meant to flirt with Jason but I can be his friend. God knows my intention. I do not want affection from any man besides my twin soul. That is MY choice. Still though I have unconditional love for them all.
An important thing for me to note is after I walked away from K I made a solemn vow to myself and God that I would NEVER ever ever allow myself to find love with another married man, or a separated from his marriage man or a man just newly divorced and "needing" love in order to escape his own healing. NO. Fucking. Way. IT WAS TIME TO BREAK MY CYCLE OF KARMA. To reach higher. It WAS. I felt it even if I did not totally understand. I felt it even if I was not entirely healed. I wanted more for myself than men {even if they loved me} I had to constantly let go of, feel guilty over, etc. etc. I could no longer do that to myself- don't think it came with no guilt because it did. And I needed out of that cycle, so I got out of it. I told God I was totally 100% done, new clean slate, and I would wait for the right one. A man who was healed, whole, healthy, ready for real genuine pure love. I honestly told God and myself this and I meant it. I wanted to real deal next time. I wanted to be free.
And then I met my James!!! And I love him so much. He is everything I asked God for and more.
My soul mates loved me but they could not choose me. They were not meant to. I was not meant for any of them. The energy between my soul mates and James is similar but different. James was able to CHOOSE ME. To court me, ask me to be his girlfriend, and spend time with me freely and allow our relationship to grow and be nurtured through affection and intimacy but holding back on sex until the time was right. HE is the one I am meant for. I think they were to help start healing me, to help bring my fears to the light, and James is the one really making me face them by "shifting" like he does. It is all very spiritual and divine, so not "of this realm." I am thankful for my soul mates though, and I won't think badly of them. I refuse to. They all played important roles in my Awakening. They all have played their roles as they were meant to, and I wish them all well.
I tell myself when I cross over- I will see all of these "special energies" again. And we will hug and have a good laugh and I can thank them for helping me. And they will all realize I've loved them but that I was meant for my twin soul who I will happily spend eternity with, close and blissful. He mentioned "eternity" with me more than once, an "Atheist" who supposedly felt his body should be donated to science and that's all she wrote. Same man told me, "I would gladly spend eternity with you." Same man asked me if after we die will we spend eternity together kissing. I know he's "My Other" on all levels. I just am aching, praying, hoping, wishing, dreaming... to have him back with me in this reality I have chosen to live here on earth, in this body. I need his EVERYTHING back with me! I need him because I love him.
I love my twin soul. With this love all-encompassing, never-ending love that I've explained before. My soul mates... I was able to let them go. I have no romantic feelings for them. I have no "romantic" intentions towards them. James was the one I could not let go of. Damn I can't. It is impossible. I am so in love with him. Only James. I want a life with James. A marriage and family. He is my future. But maybe my soul mates popping up are reminders to help me realize that I am thought of, that I am special. I think they are to let me know that James also feels this way about me even if he cannot show me. They can so they do. He cannot but they issue little reminders!
I really do have unconditional love for them all though, no matter what our "relationships" are in 3D.
"When you can see a situation from a higher perspective, that is true freedom." That's a message I got from my guidance before I met James. A message to remind me to try to see the world and the people in it as my mirror instead of jumping to negative 3D conclusions. It's choosing to try to view situations from love instead of fear, something I continue to work on each day.
xxoo Jennifer
No comments:
Post a Comment