~~**Is Sadness "Bad?"**~~

I need to hear James' voice soon.  It's been a year since we last talked.  Today is a year, exactly, since he told me that yes we still have a future together.  He reassured me that my son is not a "deal breaker."  He was letting me know he accepts and loves both of us, and I was too scared to embrace and trust his words.

It is now a year later and if you can possibly imagine what I am feeling... it is like swallowing fire and having it spread out throughout my throat, chest and belly, the heat expanding and growing stronger and stronger until it feels like it will consume me.  It's not a bad feeling but it aches.  It is fiery ache, and it is constant.  Only with sleep does it subside only to wash over me when my eyes open in the morning, usually with a song playing in my head, a song that reminds me of my James.

To hear his voice again would be heaven, and I know that one day I will talk to him again.  He is coming back to me.  For the time being though I am torn.  My sadness is vexing me.

I have a twin soul friend who tells me we have to be joyful all the time.  If we cannot stay in an energy of joy then to at least be "neutral."  Is sadness a bad thing?  Is sadness negative energy?  I don't know if I am explaining this correctly, or at all.  I miss my twin soul.  I feel we are meant to be back together, in each others lives again.  I do not feel that this is selfish because I love him no matter what.  Yet I still have my own private dreams, and he's always loved me so why not want him back with me, my future, right?

For me to NOT feel sadness then I will have to build walls.  And when I build my walls I get "hardended."  I push soft feelings, loving memories, away from me.  I have to shelter myself and my emotions so then it becomes much easier for me to believe in "bad" and forget "good."  Why?  Because remembering his GOODNESS hurts.  Knowing what I had that is no longer with me makes me ache because I miss the stuffings out of him!

We had a strong love relationship. We shared dreams of getting married and having a child together.  Of course I miss him, and I know he misses me.  And of course I am sad without him.  That is my point- and I am not making it well because I am very tired today.  Very tired.  Emotionally exhausted.  I am feeling my age here lately.  I notice I am looking older, and that is to be expected.  No matter how much I'd like to stay young forever I am going to be 42 soon and I can see the wrinkles and droops here and there and it's bugging me a bit.  My job is not fulfilling; it is a blessing and I need it but I do not like it even though I appreciate what it offers to my life.  My dream is to stay home, be married to James and have another baby and take care of my family, not be a working single mother who fights to stay "happy" despite emotional heartache and missing the love of my life every single minute I am awake.

Every. Single Moment. I miss him.  I am exhausted.

I'm tired.  Yet I love.  And I have faith.  I feel like we will be together.  I believe he is meant to be my future.  I believe he is my Destiny.  I believe James and I will be married one day- but the catch is the separation right now, now that I see things so clearly, is aching.  A lot, and I cannot deny that ache!

I CANNOT DENY THAT ACHE!  To do so would not be genuine to my feelings!  I cannot force "happy" all the time in the face of being separated from the love of my life!  That would be a LIE!

Truth is I believe fully in his love for me and I know he is an angel of a man.  A total angel.  All he is is love and affection.  As am I.  I am the same as he, a love angel.

But how can I not miss him?  How can it be asked of me to avoid the pain and sadness of separation?  Am I supposed to force a smile on my face and fake it, even on the inside?  I am not strong enough for that.  I can believe in love.  I know he is my Destiny; he told me himself, and he is Higher Self, God- and God only speaks the truth.  I know that was truth.  I know he is the Love I asked for, the love I desired, and he came to me as the physical embodiment of the love I created through my strong desire.  He is The One.  I will only hold on to him.

So even if I am a bit sad, lonely and I miss him, oh well.  I do not believe that just because I feel those emotions, because I am human, means I will ONLY get back the same.  It is not the same as fear.  My sadness is borne of love, only love.

I am going to try to shift the missing him to desiring him.  I really really love him.

A year ago tonight I last talked to my love.  I look forward to when I am able to hear his sweet voice again.