I noticed something here recently, and it takes some getting used to, takes swallowing my ego and accepting. I am guided heavily, and when I say "heavily" I mean if I am not meant to do something then it is not happening.
Two recent incidents. I wanted to call a psychic to ask her a question. I created my account and put money in it but I cannot, for the life of me, get connected to this psychic. It says she is available and then the call will drop. I tried dialing in myself but then it tells me my pin is invalid when I know it is not. So then I created a new pin and when I went to use it I was told the phone number on file was not correct. So I double checked that and then created a new pin again. And THEN when everything should have been correct I tried again and was told the system was having issues. And I swear every time I tried to get a hold of her it would ring then hang up. I totally take this as me being blocked from talking to her, and that is fine.
So if anyone wants to talk to a psychic let me know cuz I have fifty bucks sitting out there on my account that I cannot use!
Second thing is I wanted to try and help someone who is going through a similar experience as mine. Well, that got blocked too. Blatantly. Long story that I don't need to explain but I was totally blocked.
Sometimes I really have to work on accepting things like this. I know it must be for a good reason so I am trying to just breathe and accept. I don't know exactly what I am being shown. I have been doing my writing, and I am trying to ensure it's all goodness. I honestly am. I refuse to speak of anything besides the goodness and love and truth of who my twin soul is, and how he treated me when he was in my life. I know that goodness is truth.
Maybe I am being guided back to JUST concentrating on my own "manifesting" and intention. That's all I can think. I don't always know what my messages mean or what I am being shown. I am trying to listen. I feel like I am not supposed to be talking with anyone but instead going totally inner. That is all I can get out of this. My contact with my friends who are twin souls, or my spiritual friends, is also very limited right now. Low contact. Not for any reason, just quiet. I guess this forces me to go inner and stay in this place of focus. I don't always like it because it means I must keep his energy close to me and it gets frustrating since I miss him so much.
I don't dream of him often. I read about how female twins are always dreaming so clearly of their twin souls. I think this happens a lot to those who are actively trying to forget. Higher Self inundates them with dreams as a reminder, that's my feeling. Since I don't try to forget maybe I am not meant to get the dreams. I've had a few dreams of him. Any more than that might kill me- I think Higher Self knows I do have my mental and emotional limits.
I dreamed last night I was at a party holding a baby the whole night. It was not my baby but I was holding this baby and it felt SO right. I dream of having a child with my James; that life with him is my biggest dream, all I've ever really wanted. Last August we were emailing and in the midst of all the "nonsense" he told me, "Do you really want a child with me? I'd like that. It's what I really want." And I KNOW that was truth slipped in. I KNOW it. I know he actually does want a baby. Ugh. For a moment he thought he was going to be a dad when he was married years back, turned out not to be his child. Then years later, and I only share this because I think it is really sad, an ex told him she was pregnant and he went the whole day thinking he was going to be a dad until later she said, "April Fooled you!" He told me about both of those things when we dated, and we ended up talking about getting married and having a baby together. He said he really wanted a baby with me. I still have the texts from when he was boarding the plane for the first time. He wants to marry me and get me pregnant and raise our child with all of our love, and he wants to be a good step daddy to my son.
I'm not sure if my dream last night was a reminder but I feel like all I can do right now is believe in a dream, and it can be a little frustrating. I crave him. I want more than a sign or a dream. I want HIM back. I ache to talk to him and see him and hold him again. That frustration can let my ego flare up but I try and remind myself that no one is doing anything to me and I need to continue to work on my manifestation and intention. Patience... I've been so patient. But so has he. He has been patient with me through all of my fear and doubt over him and his feelings for me, and sometimes worrying about his true nature {a loving nature that was so clearly shown to me!} I do love him. I feel like we are so meant to have that life together, just loving one another and having a family and being a point of light and love on earth, real strong lasting love. Going through this and not running off, looking past the "words" and BELIEVING in God and love- that is not "normal" human love. Normal human love is "What can you do for me? I love you because you make me feel good, right this moment." This is different. This is loving for... I dunno. Loving just because I can't help but love him because I know who he is for real, and he deserves to be loved by me due to what a good man he is. He was good to me and my son. He was good to my precious love bug child who means the world to me. Not all men are as accepting as he is, and for those reasons and tons more I love him and always will.
But loving through adversity, silence, separation, etc. takes courage. Holding on to a dream instead of running off to something safer take courage. Facing heartache every day takes strength. No one really knows the path I am walking, no one. Not many realize the extent of how deeply layered over this life I appear to live is another invisible reality just as viable and real as the one that can be seen.
I want my Awakening to get where it needs to be. I want to be that butterfly. I am ready for my bliss, my happy future with James. I am SO ready! And him? He's always been ready.
Never feel like you can't love them fully. It really is okay to do so. There is no avoiding it; avoiding it only creates pain. I truly believe loving them is what we are meant to do. It's a love that defies all normal relationship patterns and templates but that's okay. It's a love unique to soul. When my twin and I reconnected and then parted again last year I was SO sure it was because I "loved him too much" and "felt too strongly" and was not "independent enough" and that I got too excited over hearing from him. I was convinced, at first, that the reason why he had to pull away was to teach me a lesson in not being "co-dependent" because when we reconnect, OMG, I am like OVER THE FUCKING MOON ecstatic to be back in contact with my love!!! Better than winning the lottery, better than... a life-long vacation to the tropic. Better than Heaven. When he drifted off again I got scared, like maybe I was "too" into him, and maybe he had to leave me to show me I should not LOVE that hard or get that close or need to be as connected to him as I get when he returns.
Bullshit. I've since learned that is bullshit. Wrong thinking. He was reflecting my continued fears back to me. I was still scared that he was only contacting me late, or not responding fast enough, or... I don't know. The guy fucking wrote to me, "I love you too and I want you in my life forever. I love you to infinity and back. I want to sleep next to you every night forever." WHAT THE FUCK MORE DID I NEED TO CONVINCE ME???? It was my fear that separated us, nothing more.
So don't be afraid to love. Hard. Don't be afraid to "desire" a future with them. I do believe that desire and believing in their love is what will reunite twins in the end.
It is a very private quest I am on right now. I am trying to listen. Thanks for sticking it out with me.
ooxx Jenny {with his favorite caboose, lol}
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