"Faithless Is He..."

"Faithless is he who quits when the road darkens."  This was my fortune cookie message a year ago when I thought my world was caving in around me.  This amazing angel of a man appeared to, out of nowhere, turn into everything that scared me and I wanted to just RUN.  I was terrified.  A week or so later I got this message and knew it could be no coincidence: I had to believe in what my guidance was telling me and showing me, and I had to continue on with this experience.

And it has not been an easy year although it has been a blessed year since so many positive personal changes have happened to be through this union with my twin soul and Higher Self.  Still though it can be so "unreal" that I ask myself repeatedly if this is REALLY real.  Really?

To the readers of my blog, allow me to give you a generalized review of who I am in this crazy thing we call "life."  By no means am I "bragging" because besides being a mom and loving English literature, freedom of thinking, expanding minds, free speech, expression, writing and "The X-Files" not much of the rest matters to me although I am thankful for my blessings and what Spirit has helped me achieve.  Things like job titles and so on and so forth make no difference to me.  In my eyes the CEO of a company has the same exact worth as the janitor coming in at midnight to sweep the floors.

I am a single mother of a loving adorable sweet friendly and totally joyful five year-old boy.  I have been married and divorced twice, and both times I chose the hard decision to leave the marriages because neither man loved me how I am meant to be loved.  They loved the bar, drinking and their friends way more than they loved me.  Leaving marriage #2 was really scary since I had a two-year old son and I'd never been on my own before.  I am an assistant director at a Big Ten university and I have both my BA in English and my MA in English literature.  I was the second person in nine years in my department at the university to choose to write a MA thesis, and it's a really kick work on Postmodern Paranoia and The X-Files, using the X-Files comparatively with literary works of postmodern paranoia to explain how Chris Carter used the nine-season running show as a vehicle to educate the public on what goes on "behind the veil" so to speak: so I was "Awakening" years ago before I even knew what Awakening was.  My choice of MA thesis spoke to that. 

I own my own home, an older tri-level that is warm and cozy and houses me and my son as well as my friend and her two children.  We have two moms, three kids, three cats and a bird all co-habitating nicely under one roof.  I am lucky to have a close loving family with parents who are married and still much in love, a younger brother and sister who I see on a routine basis, nephews who I adore, and I still have two grandmothers who are alive and well.  We went to visit one of them this past weekend.  I have tons of loving aunts and uncles and cousins, and I have good dear friends.

I have a close connection with The Divine and my Higher Self.

I've worked my way through loads of adversity over the years and I am more loving, patient and strong for it.  "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" is a motto I highly agree with.

I love to write.  I've written multiple "stories" that could work themselves up into really interesting novels: pirates, parallel dimensions, cellular memory, vampires... my ideas come from above and all of them have reflected ideas or themes that I am going through now in life.  And all of them heavily concern LOVE.  Deep deep soul-based love.  

I've dated various men.  I've fallen in love over and over, and each time I've been able to move on.

Until I met James.

James is every love story I've ever written and each love song I've listened to a million times over.  He's every wish I've made on every star I've ever wished upon.  He's every prayer I've ever breathed to God above for true love.  He is my everything.

But from what I've written above you can see that I am no spring-chicken when it comes to life.  I am 41 years-old and have experienced a lot in those 41 years.  I respect and love myself very much, and I am not the type of woman to "obsess" over a man.  Not now, not after all I've been through and been taught about myself from above.  I've dated far too much, let myself down with some of the choices I've made, settled for less than I am meant to, wayyyy too many times to allow myself to invest time, energy and heart in someone not meant for me.

My love, affection and devotion to my twin soul comes from somewhere deep inside of me, from my heart and soul.  It is beyond my "human" control.  No amount of teachings about "co-dependence" or "attachment" or "letting go" apply in this case of me loving him.  It is a love that is out of my control.  This love is called "surrender."  I can only surrender to the overwhelming love I have for him and pray to God above that my destiny will come to me, or I will bring it is me, as long as I follow what I've been guided to do which is to love myself, recognize and embrace all the positive change, healing and growth I've achieved since knowing James, and love and trust him, Higher Self and God through it all no matter how things may "appear" to be.

I'm "psychic" {whatever that means lol} and Spirit/The Universe/Creator Energy speaks to me and guides me.  It has saved my ass on occasion.  That ALONE is miraculous.  All of this has become so "normal" to me that I fail to appreciate how divine and amazing it truly is to have an invisible entity tell me to turn on my radio and wait while IT changes the channel by itself and proceeds to play "Take on Me" while telling me to really listen to the lyrics to see how they apply to this situation.  My favorite song since 1985 that James always teased me about.

James used to say God was a puppeteer in the sky.  "Sky Daddy."  I'm not sure I can argue that BUT the roles are written by us.  God only "does" or creates what we ask to be created.  It's not like "God" is up there making choices for us.  NO.  We are empowered to make our own choices and create our own realities, experiences, conditions, etc.  Offered to us along the way is guidance to help us make the right choices, choices of love that will result in happiness instead of choices of fear that will lead to despair.  God does not want us in despair.  The Universal Creator Force designed us as souls to be love and joy but still we have to choose this for ourselves.

It was a very enlightening and somewhat daunting realization when I came to find out that I truly am a piece of "God" and I can and do create my own experiences.  Sometimes I actually long for the days where I used to believe God was a deity that I prayed to, tried to be good, and "He'd" take care of me based on what "He" felt I needed.  HIS choice, not mine.  It almost easier to allow myself to think someone else is in the driver's seat, calling the shots, in power, less responsibility on my part.

God does choose.  Because we are God and we choose.  And it makes no difference if you are an Atheist, or a "non-theist" who does neither believe or disbelieve in a God-force, or if you are a bible-thumping Christian- the same rules apply to us all.  And we are allowed to believe what we will because, again, we create our own realities.  The Universe, All-That-Is, that creator energy out there, gives us that freedom.

It's a terrible irony in a way because those out there who protest AGAINST God sometimes don't like the fact that God "controls" life.  And that is so far from the truth.  We are granted the control.  Just most people don't understand or believe this, at all.  We are the ones who write the roles for our lives, and other souls and circumstances play out the roles we've written.

And just how do we write those roles?  Through what we believe in and where we put our faith and energy: prayers, wishing on a star or making a birthday wish or wishing when finding a penny or wishing when throwing a penny in a fountain or wishing on a falling star {when I was little and still sometimes today I will wish on the first star I see at night} those idea we meditate on, ritual, manifestation, DREAMING, vision boards, planning the trip of your dreams, mantras... the list goes on and on.  Anything where we place our desire energy and our heart towards is what we create.  This is why the power of prayer really is so strong.  But so is the ritual a Wiccan does.  And so is the birthday wish a five year-old makes when he knows that wishes really do come true because he BELIEVES.  When a person "believes" God answers her prayers then she is believing... and those prayers can and will come to fruition due to the energy behind them.

One day James wrote to me and told me something about "You told me you prayed for someone like me to come into your life.  I did too, well I didn't pray but I always wished to meet a woman who loved me and accepted me as I am.  I am so glad I met you and I love you being my girlfriend and I can see us having a lasting future together.  I really love you."  But right there he used the word "wish."  Wishes and prayers are the same energy.  Day dreams are too.  Same with hoping.  Hope is a good thing despite what some might say. 

This is why people say "Be careful of what you wish for because it might just come true."  BECAUSE WISHES DO COME TRUE.

And unfortunately so do worries.  Worries, my friends, can become reality.  So please be careful where you place your energy.  I beg of you to do so because I turned my worries into reality and it's been a long 21 months of being separated from the love of my life since then.  Yes I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in these last months but still I wish I could have learned them alongside the man I love instead of separated from him, and I KNOW I created our separation through my fears and worries.

And now I am trying to de-create what I created by concentrating on Love and Light and Belief in his love for me.  Only goodness.  Which is why you will see many posts from me where I highlight his goodness, the sweetness and love he shared with me, like getting my son Pop Rocks and making me home made perogies.  Like looking forward to sharing time with me, wanting to just be in my presence talking with me.  Treating me like I am precious to him.  Never asking for anything more than simple affection, a kiss and a hug.  Asking for my thoughts and REALLY truly being interested in my mind and heart.

I love him more than I can express.  My heart swells like listening to the most moving film score or seeing the aurora borealis for the first time or getting a clear sign that God exists every time I think of his sweet face and kisses.

I know this is a love beyond my control because I am a "sane" and strong independent woman who CANNOT move beyond or leave behind the love or memory of this man.  In the past I've always been able to love but let go and move forward.  Not this time.  It is not happening, beyond my control.

Writing out this post reminded me of something.  One of the last things I got from James he said, "I hope to be intimate with you next week.  HOPE and WISH."  I used to hope, wish and pray way more often before I knew how much of this is controlled by "me."  I still am having a hard time acclimating to this new idea of "God."  I actually felt more safe and secure "praying" to God and wishing upon a star.  Maybe it is okay for me to do so again.  Maybe it is okay for me to look out my window at the first night's star, squeeze my eyes tight and say, "I wish I wish to feel James' lips on mine again, soon, to be together forever, to be his wife."

Even at the darkest points I will have faith, and believe me- the silence... it is deafening, and quite honestly I don't find it golden one bit.  It's served a purpose and I understand but all I desire, wish and pray for, from the bottom of my heart is reconnection in the physical with my James, with my sweet Geologist golf-loving wobbly smiley joyful little cute kissy sexy boyfriend. 

I wish, hope and pray for my love, my James, to be back in my arms soon, where he belongs.  My Destiny.