This is how I feel right now. Someone emailed me the other day and thanked me for sharing my "raw emotion" on my blog. And yes, it is raw emotion. I feel like my heart has been gutted with a knife, Luckily both my appetite and my sleep habits are good. I sleep hard and strong, restorative sleep. My heart and mind both realize that James loves me and that helps me sleep easy at night. I don't have fears about my life, and that helps me sleep easy at night. My life is fairly simple. I keep it simple because I do not like complexity and chaos. I don't like tons of "stuff." TV and technology, media, is kept to the bare minimum in my home. We do not have cable. My son only watches his little kid DVDs and some Netflix kid's shows, ones I approve of. I dislike most of what is on TV so we stay unplugged, and I don't even use the 'Net that much. I pop on FB on a limited basis and I don't use Snapchat, Instagram, Skype and I don't even text or email much. I like a very hermit-like lifestyle where my son is my primary focus,..
And my twin soul. I write a LOT. Reuniting is a priority to me, my biggest one besides having a happy child. I want my son to have a wonderful childhood and I treat him how I wish I had been treated. Because I adore him.
All that said, I miss James. I miss him so much. And know that I had this amazingly beautiful wonderful love in my life and I manifested it away with my doubts and fears, sometimes that can be hard to handle. I mean I know I needed to learn lessons and see life a different way and the space was necessary but not having him in my life right now hurts. I hurt. I think of him constantly.
My son has a good daddy but James would be the perfect step-father. I can see in my mind's eye him standing there showing my son, so lovingly and patiently, how to golf. How sweet he was with my child is forever ingrained in my mind as the TRUTH of the matter.
TRUTH. Truth is he's perfect! And he is not here! And it is KILLING me inside. Every single inch of me aches to have him here with me, with us. I cannot find the words to express just how much I love him, and just how badly I wish he was back with us. I know he is my future, and I want that future to begin now.
He told me he wanted to propose to me. That is one of my dreams come true. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life than for that man to say, "Will you marry me?" I've never had a bigger dream than holding his hands, looking him in the eyes and exchanging simple meaningful vows together. I will thank him for helping me, and I will tell him how much I appreciate the love he has for me. I will tell him that the love I feel for him will last has always been there and is never-ending, and that we will have an amazing life together here on earth and then also in the great beyond once our human bodies are ready to be retired.
I KNOW we will be married. He TOLD me. He said he wants to marry me. That is my truth, and I want my truth back.
I guess what I am trying to say is that saying, "You don't know what you got until it is gone," is kind of true. I did not realize then just how wonderful he is. I mean I knew it but I was scared to believe it. I did not think "men" like him existed, my One and Only. I thought that was the stuff of movies and romance novels but yes, my Prince walked into my life. And I need him back.
I have no qualms in using the word "need." I am independent, holy fuck do I know how to take care of myself and I love myself, Yet still I NEED my divine counterpart back in my life, My very soul cries out for him. I know his goodness like I know the sun will rise in the morning, and I know, even thought it seems unreal, that the energy the fuels him, his heart and soul and his mind, it all has nothing but a total unconditional love for me. I can do, look, say... anything and he will always love me. What a refreshing FREEING knowledge. I don't ever have to worry about him judging me because in his eyes I am perfect. I know this.
And I need that love back here with me. I do trust his love. I can look back now and see it, just how hard he nearly begged me to accept his love.
Oh my dear twin soul, my love, my friend, my lover, my counterpart. I just love you. And I miss you. And I pray for the day when I am finally able to gaze into your beautiful joyful safe blue eyes again. To feel your arms wrapped around me will be heaven on earth. And I know it will happen. I will make sure of it because I know you are out there waiting to come back to me. And I do want you here, and I trust your love.
I appreciate everything about you, my love.
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