When You Miss Someone...

A day feels like forever.
Every love song speaks to your heart.
The littlest things act as reminders, "Oh we ate strawberries together" lends itself to crying in the produce section when grocery shopping.
Sleeping alone feels like Hell.
A foot long subway gets eaten by one person instead of shared like it's meant to be.
Ten pounds either comes off or goes on way too quickly.
Looking pretty loses its importance.
An empty text screen or email inbox is torture.
Getting out of bed and brushing your teeth feels like an unimaginable achievement.
Staying home, drinking wine or tea, eating lots of pizza and chocolate and binge-watching "Bridget Jones' Diary" over and over is a standard past time.
Memories becomes a life line.
Your inner becomes tempered with time, softened and pliable.  It's like the missing forces surrender, surrender to a more peaceful and calm way of life, one that most "normal" people just can't understand.

I have to be careful with this ache I feel for Joron.  At times it's so overwhelming, knowing what I had that I manifested away from myself, that I throw up my walls, get all High and Mighty inside, and block my emotions on the inner.  It's like a constant teeter-totter of wanting to avoid "feeling" his goodness because being reminded of his goodness can, well, hurt sometimes.  Sometimes the TRUTH hurts, especially when that truth is physically 2100 miles away.  

In missing him like I do sometimes I look forward to going to sleep because only while sleeping do I not actively miss him.  Only then, while in a state of peaceful slumber, does my aching insides catch a reprieve, a respite from the beacon inside my heart that emanates a constant call of "I love you.  I miss you.  I need you... I love you.  I miss you.  I need you."

Some twin soul teachings say we are not meant to miss them but that would mean God is cruel, and God is not cruel.  We are all human, and we miss the people we love when they are no longer with us.  It's natural and for me it is almost necessary because if I do not "miss" him then I can become a runner.  But when I miss him, it's called empathy and love, just the way it is because I remember the real him.  My dear friend, a very strong spiritualist, tells me the missing, aching, longing and undeniable pull I have towards him is my soul's way of ensuring that I cannot walk away, cannot try to forget him, cannot run away from my mission.  I believe her.  I feel like my very soul is in love with my James.  

I know there are some who must force it away, and I understand.  I am blessed to be single and alone, as alone as one person can be with three children, three cats and another grown woman living with her, lol.  I am physically "single" though so if I want to spend my free time living in a fantasy world where my twin soul and I are happily married and making tons of monkey love every night.  And every morning... and that quick nooner, well I can.  I have the freedom to do so.  I can write in my journal every night and pretend he feels me, like I'm living in some cool romantic sci-fi novel where the heroine must hold on to bring back the love of her life... all while crying into my popcorn.

I miss him.  But one thing I noticed as I look back through all of my private writings is all along the way I sent out this energy of, "Please come back to me."  Like he is choosing to be silent, choosing to stay away from me.  And this would be he is also choosing to do things like taunt me or terrorize me.  None of that is good energy.  In this union between he and I there is not need for "Please come back to me."  That energy will only keep him farther away from me because, again, it is me insinuating that he is purposefully keeping his distance, and when I think that- it is reflected back to me.  Instead I am working to change my energy to "I hope I can bring you back to me soon."  Like that song, "Goodbye Girl."  He sings, "The things you do my Goodbye Girl will bring me back to you."  It's more of a passive role on his part.  Not active.  He is not actively remaining distant.  I have to make sure my intention, my words and my belief highlight this fact. 

I have to find the balance in missing him but not blaming him at all, or passively feeling like he is being kept from me, or that he is staying away from me.  I have to OWN that it is my energy blocking him from coming back to me, and this is what I am working on most right now.

What a journey, this quest to believe in love.

I miss you my sweetheart...