I am made for go fishing with my child and spending time with him. Having TIME to grow a garden and tend to it. Baking homemade bread and teaching my son along with me. Picking berries and making jam. Being able to have a dog, meaning having the time and energy to do so. I won't get a dog who I have to leave at home alone most of the day. I just want to CRY. I appreciate all the goodness I have in my life; I really do. My job allows me to have a home and pay my bills but at the same time isn't this life we lead total madness? We all scramble around like little worker ants, answering to the higher-ups, all in order to have such little free time doing fun things with the ones we love.
It is fucking crazy! And it wears on me. Awakening... has torn me up inside and shown me what aspects of life are truly important: God, Self, friends, family, humanity, nature {including protecting our planet} and Love. I just want a simpler life doing things I actually enjoy doing: helping people, loving people. I am such a helper soul. My current 3D job is not heart-fulfilling for me. It pays my bills well. All the benefits really help my life. It keeps my son in a top-notch pre-school and soon to be kindergarten. His school is where I work so it is close and works with my schedule. I have good benefits, my own office, etc. It is not a bad job. I should not complain about it but I just wish I did something that satisfied my SOUL. I guess that is one reason why I keep this blog. It satisfies me to reach out and share my experiences and feelings just in case there is even one person out there who is going through something similar. I know how beneficial it is to land on that one thing which helps you feel less like you are losing your mind! Affirmation is helpful, especially in the beginning parts of our journeys. In the latter parts, like I am in now, affirmation really needs to come from inner. But there is always a time and place for sharing. So I do. My spirituality is really my "soul role" in life. Not my 3D "job." I was once told that my Light is the reason why I am here, where I work. I honestly fit in like a turd in a punch bowl here. I am a "mercy" person working with a bunch of "justice" types. I am an ENFP working with accountants, lol. But I have the job because it helps my life and I really am grateful I just wish I had more free time with my son, and with myself. I love being outside. I love laughing with my son. I love having peace of mind and a slower pace and sometimes that is hard to do while balancing this position working full-time while being a single mom in a twin soul separation, while Awakening. *deep breath*
I don't meant to complain. I am only saying it can be a challenge. At times I don't feel like I have enough time. Or energy. But I do have ample time off, and I need it. People around me, here at work, don't understand {at all} what my life is like "behind the veil." It is like a live a dual life. One here in 3D and one in 4D. It is a positive thing but takes getting used to.
My vision would be to live in a small community that is quieter and slower, less technology and more human connection and Love. Sometimes my soul hurts. It just aches. I cannot explain it. I don't feel like I fit in here well, on earth right now. Especially here where I live. Suburban, more urban than anything. I HATE cement. I love trees. And open skylines. And STARS. Here you can barely see the fucking stars.
Again, my soul, my heart, longs for something else, something more than this. Something more real than the next iphone or a bigger car or more square footage or a more prestigious job title. I could care less about any of that "stuff." None of it matters to me! I enjoy my pay check because it keeps a roof over my head {and the people who live with us} puts food on my table and allows me to do fun things with my child which I do often. FUN. A child's life is supposed to be filled with fun, and I ensure my son has a good childhood filled with love, care-free times, and lots of fun.
My heart hurts! I ache. The past week has been very emotional for me, and I have not written much here to explain. Father's Day was really hard. And yesterday marked a year of sobriety for me, and it marked a year since the moment when I had my huge ego-fit and my twin soul had to mirror it all back to me, and our connection shifted and scared the shit out of me, and I have not been able to shift it back yet. And I miss him. I miss him SO much. He was RIGHT THERE but I would not let go of the fear, and I pushed him away with my energy and I am so sad now. I can't help it.
I am thankful to be sober though. Thankful to God and Higher Self for pushing me when I wouldn't listen and for protecting me. Drinking can make me angry and stupid. Thankful to James for showing me the energy even if it was scary. I had to see it so I could face it and change it, and I have. I have not had a drink in a year. Well in weak moments I twice took a sip but stopped myself before drinking anything further; I love myself, my twin soul, my growth and this experience too much to fuck it up by backsliding with the bottle. The experience I had on June 22, 2014 was shocking to say the least. I cannot, will not, allow that experience to be in vain or not learn from it- I won't let it be not worth anything by resorting back to that old behavior and fear. Listen- it has been a challenge to go from using whiskey as my biggest vice to being stone-cold sober while facing the deepest most painful heartache I've ever experienced. And being a single mother trying to raise a joyful child.
I AM STRONG! I am so strong! And I am doing my absolute best. A big part of that experience was being shown what I feared about my twin soul. It has taken me a year to work through a lot of that, the aftermath. The lingering doubt and fear. But I am getting there and I KNOW he will be able to return to me soon. I want that more than anything else in life besides offering my son a good happy life. I want my child to be happy and feel safe and protected. I want my son to feel like I am his friend and guide. I was scared of my mother. I refuse to have that for my child. He knows I care for him and he can trust me to love him and show him how to live and love properly. He will NEVER be scared of me, ever!
Every single day that I go not having James in my life... I feel like something important is missing from my life. I AM happy. I do love myself and my son, and I like being alive. I wish life was different. I do. I am allowed that thinking. I think the way we live is stupid. Kids with their faces in video games. Adults with their faces in their phones. Blah! Stupid. We lack connection and it shows. Just turn on the TV or watch the news to see how badly we lack connection, empathy and compassion. But I like being with my child and those I love. And I long, pray and dream for the day when I can share my life with my Beloved who I miss with all of my heart, my dear kind loving soul friend.
It's been... overwhelming inside myself. Emotions galore. I love. That is all. I am love. I am made for love. I love.
I really would love to have my twin soul back in my life.
I love.
Jennifer
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