I feel truth more and more each day concerning James. I was scared before. For all my blogging, my talking, my helping those who email me... I was still scared. It can be difficult NOT to feel fear when one experiences something like I have. But I can see now how my energy has lead all of this. But even more important than that I can see along the way just how much he has loved me, and I am sure still does.
I have this ache in my chest but it is only because he is not physically here with me and I miss his presence like you cannot believe! I miss my sweet little scientist boyfriend more than I can find words to express. He means the world to me. He is truly the nicest dearest man ever. He is the man I am raising my child to be like. I am allowing loving memories to come forward and I can't help but recall one of the last times we talked on the phone. I think it was the second to last time back a year ago. Exactly a year ago. *sniff* I was still scared while on the phone talking to him and I had this thought of, "I'd better hang up soon." I was feeling anxious like maybe he was getting tired of me; we'd been on the phone for a while. So I said something to him like, "Well I guess I'll let you go now," and quite forcefully which is not his nature he told me no, I was not going to hang up. His voice was almost commanding and it surprised me. The he totally softened and, lol, kind of in this gentle sexy voice said, "Touch yourself." And he proceeded to say very personal loving things to me until I did it for myself. And it was this totally loving and healing energy, like he wished he could be there to kiss me and hug me and taste me for hours. I could feel that longing in him, like he wished so much to be with me right then.
Those are memories that are hard for me to accept or bring to mind. A week later I had my huge inner ego-fit and I have not heard his voice since that moment. The last thing he told me on the phone was that he loves me and yes we have a future together, and no my son was not a deal breaker. He told me he thought my son was very sweet, and he assured me that yes our truth of a future together was still very much alive.
But I could not get past my fear. And I cannot regret. Oh how I wish I could have just held on, moved forward, believed. But I didn't.
And I miss my love. I miss him so much.
But I don't feel that pain of being rejected or left behind. I no longer believe anything other than he loves me and this is a "quest" I am on, and Higher Self knows my inner. I can SAY or WRITE anything I want to but it all boils down to what I actually believe. And now I have a strong inner knowing that James loves me. He always has, and I do believe he wants to come back to me. It's been me all along blocking his ability to come back to me. Blocked through my fear-energy.
I can go back through my journals and pick out what energy has kept him away. Right now the ache comes from missing my love. I can't help that. I can heal from feeling all the negative fear-based emotions but I can't strip myself of aching for his presence back in my life. We are meant to be one. We are meant to be Skyping and talking and sharing videos and links again. We are meant to be back to the moment when we could not wait to talk to one another, see each other or receive each others messages and videos. We are supposed to be dating from afar while he is gone, until we are together again. THAT is truth. That is what we shared and it was truth. That feeling like we could not get enough of each other, it never ended. I know he's out there dying to reach me again. I just know it.
He is so cuddly and loveable. But sometimes I forget just how cuddly and loveable I am too. If I was him and I fell in love with someone like me- I'd be sad to be forced away too. Honestly. I'm highly loving, nurturing, caring, passionate and I have a good mind. I know the truth. I know he meant it when he said he wanted to marry me, have me as his wife, be my son's step-dad and God-willing create a child together and "raise it with all of our love." I know he still feels the same exact way now, nothing changed.
There were two wolves. One was the wolf of fear, pain, doubt, worry and disbelief. The other wolf was the wolf of love, truth, belief, trust, and faith. Both are hungry hungry hungry. Which one should I feed?
Which one would you feed?
I am feeding the wolf of love. The wolf of truth.
I know our truth. It is love, always. I will see my love's face again soon. I know it. I WILL make this happen, our reunion. And yes- we are all pieces of God so when people talk about "in God's time" what they really mean is in OUR time because we are the divine and WE create our own realities. In reality there is no "sitting around waiting for God to make it happen." WE make it happen through our fervent prayers, our meditation, our "conjuring" and ritual. We make it happen in writing TRUTH in a journal. Ritual. Spells. Anywhere we focus our energy is what we create because WE are "The Divine." And we cannot forget that.
Again, feed that wolf of love. I am. I want to see my love again, so I am only going to feed the wolf of LOVE.
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