A Year Full Circle

I think anyone who truly feels she has met her twin soul will agree it does not go smoothly.  I have not read one account of twin souls who come together with no separation.  Most I've read about are separated and not reunited, and most are dealing with that eerie surreal twin soul silence that inspired me to write this blog.  That said, I've had a few people challenge me recently about the information on my blog and I am going to write my feelings about this here because it is my platform, and I enjoy utilizing it speak my mind.

It has been one full year now since Joron went quiet.  He moved to CA and three weeks later went quiet.  When he left for CA I was sad inside, obviously.  But Spirit was asking me to be strong.  He is a good man and told me very specifically that he wanted a future with me and my son.  He told me I would have to take a giant leap of faith for him.  He said he wanted me in CA.  He told me to come to CA and be a writer and he'd take care of me and my son.  And what did I do?  FEARED.  I went back and read some messages I'd sent to one of my best girlfriends after Joron left.  I was resentful. Scared. Jealous.  I was TOLD by Spirit to love him as if he was still here.  I was being pushed to... finally heal.  I just could not do it, and I don't feel about that.  I was either drinking to escape, or I was battling feeling resentment over him being somewhere fun, or going to dinner with a friend, or enjoying his new job, or going to the casino.  He felt it too, felt it more because Spirit ensured he did. He was gong to out to watch the game one night and I wrote something very straight but inside I was kind of seething, irrationally.  He called me out the next night on the phone, read me like a BOOK.  I never could understand how he'd see through all of my cleverly-hidden forced "sweet" words when inside I was not happy.  I tried to wear my masks and he saw through all of them!  I didn't realize he was my twin soul at that time though- I just thought he was a soul connection but more my love and my boyfriend who I wanted to be my future husband.

One night I finally caved.  He'd been busier than normal, getting over being ill.  He had not called for a few nights, and I was also probably being tested.  I wrote to him that I felt he was not "making me a priority" and he felt horrible.  He emailed and said he was so so sorry, didn't mean it, felt awful and would try harder.  He ended that message with "Just remember I love you and want you to be my future."

A stable balanced woman would have let it go.  But no- I woke in the early morning and sent him something petty, not horrid at all but I *wanted* him to feel guilty.  I was feeling crappy, mad, sad, desperate, and fearful.  I needed to be healed.  I am still torn- I almost feel like Spirit helped me write the message because it flew out of me at 3AM.  And his response to it was cold,  Blunt.  Short.  Not at all like him,  He said, "Real nice Rose.  I don't need your guilt."  Well I'd wanted him to feel guilty and he did.  Spirit works that way.  That is the night I came home, drank whiskey, passed out and he text wanting to talk. said "I do love you."  But I was out- gone on the drink, and I missed him.  I didn't hear from him after that for three weeks.

*POOF*  Gone.  Just gone.  I thought I'd DIE.  It was fucking horrible, the worse pain EVER.  Like just kill me now because I can't handle feeling this horror any longer painful.  And it's been a year since that moment.  And so so so much has changed for me.  I want to review here on my blog the things that I have discovered about myself, healed from, overcome, etc. from this twin soul union.

It has transformed my life.

But before I do let me say something.  I DEFEND Joron.  I am not "defensive" in my stance.  Or maybe I am.  The root of "defensive" is DEFEND, and defend him I will.  I sat today and charted out our entire separation and how my energy would affect him.  Never one time, not once, did he ever shoot me anything other than what I was sending him energetically.  If I was feeling love then his love was able to come through.  If I was feeling shitty or crappy or doubtful or fearful then he was either quiet or in the worst moment, mostly inspired by my drinking, he'd reach out with something cold or in the end even scary cold.  But it was not his "fault" or his intention, and I will go to my grave with that as my truth.

I get very annoyed recently by 3D insistence that "He must be damaged too."  No, he isn't.  I knew him.  I saw how wonderful he was.  I DID.  ME.  He was MY lover, my boyfriend, my darling, my sweetheart, my one and only true love... my very dear close immediate friend.  I KNOW him- and I know he is a very balanced dear man, low ego.  He had a good childhood.  He is joyful.  He loves people and animals, and he is a humanitarian.  A champion of people.  So please- save me the fucking energy of having to defend my stance.  It's annoying- and it shows me just how screwed up this world is in their idea of what love truly is.  WORDS mean nothing if the intention behind them is not pure; in twin soul unions the ability to work shit out via "words" is stripped for us.  And it sucks. And it feels hard to believe... until the insanely strong telepathy starts and you actually see that when you write in a journal or have a thought or say a prayer and your love physically answers you via email or text- then you realize that ENERGY means more than words.

My love is not broken, not in need of huge healing.  Yes of course he's hurting and confused- Spirit "uses" him to help heal me, and yes I do mean like a puppet.  A friend of mine just recently had a surreal experience with a man.  She wrote something in her journal.  He came over later, looked her in the eyes and repeated what was in her journal.  He was agitated too, told her "I feel hi-jacked... and it's you.  What are you doing to me?"  I swear- for those of us who are going through strong soul "stuff" our lives and experiences are NOT normal.  Things are not normal with me and Joron.  It is strong love, stronger healing, and our souls are linked.  He is flat out USED to help me.  I feel he must have agreed to it before coming to earth with me.  I am told that is our combined mission: he agreed to help heal me no matter how it has to be done, and I agreed to always know the real him, love him through it.  And I will.  No matter what happens between us- I will always adore him, and I will KEEP his ass up on the pedestal where I've put him because he's given me no reason to do otherwise.  The man has helped save my life.  And luckily for me my guidance is so strong and has shown be enough that I can see the truth instead of fear.  I know to some reading my blog I seem like I am in denial and blah blah blah.  Go on and think what you like.  I am writing this blog for the people who are going what I am going through.  Who might be searching for answers as to why their loved one just overnight became a different person... for the people who feel like they landed in Hell and can't find their way out.

Someone once said it's like an alien took over her twin soul's body.  Another said "Like Invasion of The Body Snatchers.  He's not the same person."  IT'S FUCKING TERRIFYING.  And I have lived a full year of it- and the "orchestration" is SO strong that I've "made" him shift mid e-mail conversation just by writing in my journal or telling Spirit I don't believe it... it's not reality people.  It's not of this world, not 3D.  I watch Higher Self work through Joron.  Kind of like he is a medium, and I think his "free will" is based on what his soul chose.  Not what HE as a human chooses but what his soul wants, or I should say our shared Higher Will.  I know the energy that guides me orchestrates my life. I've been compelled to write things to people almost without being able to stop myself.  I wrote a novel in 6 weeks because 110,000 words poured out of me to where I could not remember what I wrote after I'd sit down and pound the keys for six hours.  Joron allows Spirit to work right through him- and that's just the way it is, and I am certain other twin souls are going through this too.  I've written this ad nauseum- the "runner" isn't "running."  They go quiet to crash the other down into the depths of Hell.  And it is all of soul.  And it is planned.  And it fucking hurts.

I am defending my truth.  Go ahead and write to me and tell me I am living in fear, hiding from my truth.  Ha ha ha.  I've faced so much fear this last year it's not even funny.  I have looked my fears head on and stared them down.  Do you know what it feels like to get an email from your love that, out of nowhere, says "Go fuck yourself" because it's a reflection of your own shitty energy?  Having to look at it- know it's a total reflection, and then face it?  Try to shift it by believing in fiction? Through working with an invisible entity?  Having Joron write to me in response to me shaking my fists at God and saying {in my head} "Oh fuck off.  I'm going to bed.  I don't care if he responds." And then he writes ten minutes later saying "Oh go fuck yourself.  Never contact me again!  Lose my contact information!  You could have had me forever but your *sic- his mistake and he never makes that grammatical error, lol* ___ that's why!"  He literally wrote that to me.  "You could have had me forever but your ___ that's why!"  I woke to find those messages and knew it was a direct reflection of the shit I threw out to the universe as I fell asleep.  So I gathered my courage, stared the monster I created in the face and said, "I'm what?  A tired working mom?  You didn't even fill in the blank." He did not fill in the blank because there was nothing bad he could put there.  Universal Law- I'm a good woman.  He's not able to criticize me.  He can only reflect my shit and my doubt back to me.

But can you imagine how that must make him feel?  He wrote back and it was like he never said it- and we had yet another surreal exchange.  And frankly I am getting tired of my own energy.  It's exhausting.  I see what's happening, and I want to be done with it already.

I've received much healing from knowing Joron.  Oddly enough my last soul mate contacted me recently.  He wanted to see me last night.  He is married, and he was hard to get rid of.  A year ago I would have been SO tempted to see him, especially if I was scared and hurting.  He was like... my strongest addiction.  I loved him a ton and it took a lot to cut him out of my life.  Last night I was alone, anniversary of this twin soul separation starting.  The old me might have thought about having him come over.  I've been celibate for over a year.  He is a fantastic lover.  I know him- he's safe. But GOD NO.  I had not one iota of temptation.  He said that sometimes he dreams of coming by my home, sweeping me into his arms and kissing me.  All I felt was aversion- no no no.  No kisses.  No wanting to see him.  That alone is a huge positive change for me.  Let him fix his issues in his marriage instead of wanting to escape to me.  He tip toes around his broken situation and I am not his haven.  I deserve someone single, and I want my twin soul.  Not an old lesson.  I wish him the best but no.  He said, "You know where to find me if you change your mind," lol- I have not changed my mind in a year.  Not going to happen.

I am sober, totally.  Won't ever drink again.  Took ten years to stop drinking and Joron made it happen in a night.  One fucking moment.  Two emails and I was cured.  Get hit by God like I did and that'll sober your ass up for eternity, no AA needed.

No smoking either.  I won't ever smoke again.  I was shown that too through him.

And I've showed down a lot of fear.  A ton.  I am so fearless compared to three years ago, and then a year ago.  I know how worthy I am, and I know this man loves me and didn't just leave me.  I am sad to be separated from him.  I wonder what will happen.  I can't read the future.  I want to marry him.  I am so far in love with him that... I'd do pretty much anything for him as long as it included my son.  I owe him my life as far as I am concerned because without him I'm not sure how I'd be faring with the drinking and sleeping around.  Oh yeah, there's that.

I have been celibate.  No more one night stands. no unsafe situations, no unsafe sex.  No sex in cars with strangers.  No self-destructive behaviors.  Risky shit that is so not me!  He woke me the fuck up. Showed me this HUGE love that I cannot escape from.  I don't text.  No emails to men.  No distractions.  No eating up my energy sharing words with men who don't mean anything to me but time fillers.  I've forced myself to be alone, be healthy, face my shit, change my life.  And I could not have done all of this immense change in one year's time without Joron.

My connection with Spirit is very strong.  I get signs all over, it's a part of my life now.  So.  I know God.  I am sober, clean, purified.  Strengthening.  Staying faithful and hopeful.  More loving and patient than ever.  Tackling my ego.  Learning how to stand my ground, stand up for myself and what I believe in, and defending my truth.  I am courageous.  I love hard.  I may be stubborn but oh well.  I see my truth and refuse to be swayed.  As I said- I am thankful and appreciate him no matter what.  I do not judge him, blame him or even need to forgive him- I should be thanking him for sacrificing for me.

Sacrificing?  Think walking away from my love was easy?  Nope.  He adored me, loves me still, and I am sure having to let that go does not feel good for him.  He's been showing me that he wants to be with me again, made his love evident, over and over but I ignored him.  Sad really.  I miss my love.  I want his love, and I'm sorry I ran so many times, pushed him away energetically.  I pray for the moment when we can be together again.  I believe we are meant to be together.  Love as strong as ours is meant to be.  His love is a love worth waiting for... especially since he swept in to show me the strongest love ever and then had to leave me to help heal me.  I love him for that, forever.

My dear little Geologist twin soul.  My Favorite Science Trip.  How I look forward to hearing your sexy adorable voice again.  Kisses.