The Importance of Self-Love

Self-Love.  We read about it ALL the time in twin soul information.  One must love herself completely before the union will be balanced.  I've been on a three year-long journey of hard-core healing in order to learn to love myself.  My guidance over the years has had to tell me constantly, "rotten not" which means I AM NOT ROTTEN.  Oh yeah- it's been bad.  Really bad.  So bad that in order to start getting my past my self-loathing my guidance had to resort to "hitting" me with my own thoughts about myself.  This happened a few years back and it was the beginning of a turning point for me but it's taken a long time for me to truly see.  Back then I was told terrible things about myself but they were only what I felt inside {Spirit knows you, right?}  Spirit always knows- and I would sit and argue with Spirit when I was told I am a loving good person.  I'd cry and snot all over the place insisting I was horrid and that God could not possible love me.  Fun times.  Finally Spirit switched it up on me and I entered into my second Dark Night of The Soul that almost pushed me to suicide for the first time.  Nasty dark scary shit was told to me about myself... it was a difficult journey that ended {that portion ended} with me walking away from spirituality for a short time to sort out my truth.  I finally screamed at my guidance that I did not deserve to be treated that way, that I would not take it any longer, and I was told... that finally I stood up for myself.  That I needed to end this path of only learning from torment and self-loathing.  I was being given a huge dose of tough-love.  My guidance said to me, 'What, you don't like it?  It's nothing THAT YOU DON'T ALREADY TELL YOURSELF."  And it was truth.  I was horrible to myself inside and out back then.  I was self-critical about my inner, my outer, my mothering skills, my ability at my job, my ability to be a good friend or family member.  I told myself I was a bad neighbor, unorganized, dim-witted.  You name it and I ridiculed myself, shamed myself, or beat myself up over it.  And Spirit was not about to let me live like that so my first big learning through fear happened the shook me up badly.  I was told, in the end, that my guidance loved me entirely and hurt having to teach me the hard way but it was the only way to shake me up; treating me gently did not work.  I walked away from Spirit for a while, returned about six months later.  In that six months I scheduled to meet a man who wanted to hurt me.  I wanted to die.  This man totally desired to meet me, like couldn't fucking wait.  What he had in mind- I was fresh meat.  The day we were to meet I sent him my contact info and where to meet me... and the email bounced back as undeliverable.  I tried again- and it was if he no longer existed.  The evening before his email had worked fine but suddenly he fell off the face of the earth and I never heard from him again.  I realized at that moment that my life was very much protected and God was not going to let me go without a fight.  That was end of winter 2012.  After that moment I was reunited with a prior soul mate who I loved until I had to let him go right before I met Joron in Summer 2013.  I know I was brought together with the soul mate because I was wounded and in need of healing badly; without him in my life I may not have made it through.  I recall one night sitting at home just keening.  In pain.  Dying inside.  I thought, "God I just need a hug!  A hug!  I need someone to hug me!"  Soul mate called me out of the blue, something he rarely did {he was married.} He was at the mall not far away.  He said, and I will never forget this, "I just felt like you needed a hug."  Well- due to trying to stay away from a married man, even thought I fucking loved him SO much, I told him no.  He said okay and hung up.  Spirit said to me, "You asked for a hug and God answered you.  Who are you to judge who God gives hugs through?"  So I contacted him and he drove over and hugged me for a half hour.  Kissed me a bit but it went no farther than that.  Just the hugs.  Soul mate love and healing is just... out of this world.  I was working at getting stronger, learning, growing.  Owning unconditional love.  Knowing how to eventually let go.  And it all prepared me for meeting Joron, and it also continued me on my journey of learning to love myself.  

 "You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere.  You yourself as much an anyone in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."  Buddah  This is a statement I'd always heard but never took to heart.  Now after knowing Joron I can understand what is being taught to me.  I really need to love myself as much as I love him and as much as I love my son.  I love my son SO so so much.  We laugh and hug and cuddle and I adore the stuffing out of that little boy.  I am a very loving nurturing mother.  I excel at motherhood.  It's like I was born to be a nurturer but do I love myself the same?  Not really.  There is nothing my son could do to make me not love him or judge him, ever.  Even if he did something horrendous I'd be there for him- even if I had to own that he did something wrong I'd love him.  I'd never leave him.  This is how God feels about us too.  He loves us no matter our "miss takes."  Our learning.  He wants to save us, and often God must try to save us from ourselves.  Through this entire twin soul journey I have held on to my love for Joron as he helps to teach me, to open my eyes, to enlighten me.  It has hurt.  His words have been cruel and cold.  The other night he wrote to me to "have a nice life" and to "not bother him anymore" but this was mixed in with telling me he wanted to come get me pregnant, love me, so we could spend the rest of our lives together.  Higher Will is trying to tell me something.  I knew it then and I knew it this morning and I KNEW I just was not getting it.  It can't be that I don't love him- I honestly don't doubt him any longer.  I can tell he's being channeled through.  I appreciate him for it, and I miss him- but this is now more about me finding my way through these lessons.  What am I being shown?

Last time before this that I heard from "Joron" {Higher Will working through him} was August.  I fell into believing he was ignoring me, blowing me off, that I was not worthy of him seeing me, and I got a message that hit me hard.  He said he was sorry he lead me on all year but he decided he couldn't do it... because he "didn't want to deal with my son's father.  Like ever, never ever and so on."  Well Joron NEVER said anything like that.  Actually he told me he wanted to get my son and I out to CA with him to have a better life; he experienced how my ex treated me and he did not like it one bit.  He said he wanted to be a good step-dad to my son.  I KNEW those specific words had meaning for me, "not wanting to deal with my son's father."  Well back then *I* was not dealing with his dad.  I was still paying his cell phone bill.  I was basically letting him take advantage of me.  He's not a bad man but I am pretty darn sure Spirit was giving me a strong message to take a stand, stand up for myself.  So I did.  I knew that message from Joron was bogus, and it was because when we "communicated" the other night- not another word about my son's dad was mentioned.  It was as if he never said it.  He actually started his first message with the words, "I miss you too.  I really do."  He does miss me but still something is unbalanced, something I'm not getting...

All done trying to pretend to be "normal"  I am me.  No one else.  Me.  I can't help it if I have been fighting, literally, for my LIFE over these last few years so maybe sometimes I fail to fit into the cookie cutter expectations others might have for me.  I am SO fucking DONE not being me, being ashamed of myself, and I am done not realizing my own accomplishments.  This last year I have overcome SO much.  OMG.  Like... holy SHIT.  And do I ever claim it?  Nope.  Do I ever own just how sweet I am?  NOPE.  All I do is pay attention to my "flaws" which are not really flaws but simply my idiosyncrasies.  I AM NOT LIKE MOST OTHERS.  I am different.  I am me.  ME.  I have done what my Higher Self has asked me me.  I have written MILLIONS of words over this last year, documented everything- tried to help others while trying to fucking survive myself.  I have nearly 11,000 hits on my blog- someone is reading this... and I hope it's helping.

I have to really start loving myself in order for Joron to be a part of my life like I want him to be; I think his "coldness" is him hitting me with my own feelings about myself.  I think that when we are told we cannot be with our twin souls until we achieve SELF LOVE what happens is much of the shit we feel inside about ourselves is reflected back to us via them; this is why they can seem so mean and cruel at times- because the more shit we feel inside about ourselves the heavier the silence is from them, or the communication seems insane because of all the mirroring.  And I know often this is mutual, back and forth.  As I've said over and over- I only send him love since I see clearly the process... to me this tells me he is pretty straight.  It's me who has needed some clearing out.

Spirit said something to me today that made me cry.  Said I was to believe in the "gentle gem" and I've always thought Spirit was speaking of Joron, of believing in him, my "gentle gem."  I asked "Who is the gentle gem?" and immediate my name was spelled out.  I have not, still, been accepting or loving myself enough.  I am afraid to accept my goodness or my Light, like it isn't true since I am not "perfect."  How sad is that, my friends and blog readers?  If anyone of you have been reading this blog for a while the one things that is clear is I am a walking ball of love.  Why should I fear that or doubt it or be afraid to own it?

This has been one hard wild ride and I will tell you what- I feel I've done all this pretty well.

I have refused to give up on Joron but maybe it is time to realize I need to defend myself, know myself for who I truly am: Love.

Oh I know self-loathing.  We've been frenemies in the past, and self-loathing is something I always have to be aware of because its insidious draw can be quite strong at times. Fuck self-loathing.  I am a damn good person and none of us should feel embarrassed, egotistical or guilty for loving ourselves hugely.

I just thought this was a beautiful painting; she's so peaceful and content in hugging herself; we should all hug ourselves more.

As a child I had no idea what self-love was.  I had the self-love beat out of me; it was replaced with shame, guilt, embarrassment at being myself, humiliation, self-hatred, self-loathing and the wish that I could be someone else... anyone but me.  I'll make a separate post about my life.  I once wrote about it, felt guilty and deleted the post.  But it is MY past.  Mine.  I endured it.  I have forgiven those who have hurt me but for God's sake I can at least write about it anonymously without feeling guilty.

It's taken this twin soul union, along with my prior soul mate relationships, to understand the importance of SELF-LOVE.  Oh yeah.  I am thinking that this is my last hurdle.  It is okay for me to accept and understand that I am doing a, gasp, GOOD JOB in my twin soul union.  I've been the most hard on MYSELF.  Hard on myself because I've been scared, have lacked faith at time- but SHIT I have believed enough that I've stared fear square in the face and refused to cave to fully thinking Joron could ever be so mean.  I just do not believe he is anything less than love and somehow Spirit uses him to clearly show me how hard I can be on myself.  I think that is what is happening now.  I do love him.  I know him.  But do I love ME?  Am I still being hard on me?  I'm dismissing my own goodness and it's time I finally stop beating the shit out of myself and realize that I am love.  I am GOOD.  OH MY GOD.  I AM GOOD.  I am perfect just how I am.  Right now.  Typing this blog, enjoying my first day of vacation by sitting on my ass doing nothing much, getting ready to soak in the tub, no yoga in sight {that's a joke- I hate yoga but feel I am supposed to be doing it, lol.}

There have been signs leading up to this realization.  I will share them in another post.

I would find it very enjoyable if, for once in my life, I could just let go of my self-flogging and know I am a great person.  Not "even though" or "but"  JUST:  I am a wonderful person.  I can, am able to, am supposed to, love myself and forgive myself as much as I do my twin soul and my son.  I am invited to love myself as much as I love my twin soul and my son.  God wants that from me. How amazing and freeing is that?

I love myself.  I've battled through the dark and come out on top.  I listened.  I learned.  I loved.  I *never* let go of the love no matter how dark and unbelievably scary it got... and I always knew, even just a tiny glimmer in the worst moments, that he's loved me through all of this.  I am meant to love MYSELF now, was supposed to all along.

Let's chew on that for a while.  We are INVITED to love ourselves like Jesus loves us, with no conditions.  Affections without limitations.