It's Halloween time and I LOVE Halloween. I love in more than Christmas. I never liked Christmas until I had my son and now he's old enough to really get into Santa and the joy of Christmas. But I adore Halloween in all its spooktacular magicalness. I guess it's because I've always known I'm "different" and magic flows through my veins. As much as I love Halloween my last four, count 'em four, Halloweens have been spent with me being totally heartbroken. Last year Joron had "turned off" and went quiet on 10-18-13 and I honestly don't know how I made it through. But my son was only three and very excited about Trick-or-Treat and I remember telling God, "Please just get me through this for my son." Joron loves Halloween and we were supposed to visit some haunted houses and go picking pumpkins, on a hay ride and to a bon fire- all the stuff my ex-husband would not do with me and Joron said he wanted to do with me... as long as I clung to him all scared and girly when we went to the haunted houses. Then he moved away before we could do any of those things, and my heart was broken. Then he went quiet and my heart was crushed. Did I mention I am not sure how I survived? But Halloween night last year threatened rain that managed to stay away for Trick-or-Treat; I took photos of the big blustery grey clouds- totally perfect Autumn Halloween night, and I just prayed SO HARD. So hard.
This year I am still by myself with my son. But I don't hurt like last year, thank God That pain and fear is gone because I see truth, and I believe what I see. Without the doubt there is no pain. What there IS and I can't help this- is a HUGE love for Joron, and he is not here- so I miss him. I do. I love him and I want him in my arms again. That ache is there but the fearful pain is gone. That pain gutted me and allowed all the old shit to be released.
That said- I wanted to talk about fear and Joron for a moment. Now that the fear has disippated I can see the situation more clearly. Last year it was SO fucking scary. I feared he just LEFT me. Turned away from me, abandoned me. I can't even express just how terrifying it was to fear that this amazing angel of a man turned away from his promises to me. How he just stopped loving me BUT the irony is he even told me "I still love you." I just overlooked that part due to being blinded by FEAR. FEAR FEAR FEAR.
An analogy is The Haunted House. An old decrepit falling down house when viewed through fear has monsters hidden behind every corner just waiting to pop out and eat you up! Ghosts lurking under the creaky floorboards causing cold spots, vampires looming in dark corners longing to suck you dry. Evil scientists waiting in mist-filled rooms to perform devious experiments... the old house when seen through the eyes of FEAR seems scary and demented... but then by the light of day, when the fear has disappeared and TRUTH can be seen- the poor old innocent house is simply an old history-filled home, well-loved in its day with families and kids running through its warm bright halls, with now creaky uneven floors, drafty corners, misty spaces from broken windows that allow the cool night air to flow through... not evil. Not scary. No monsters. Nothing to fear.
That's how I see this thing with Joron now. When I was so filled with fear he became that scary haunted house, my monsters. I'd get an email in my inbox and I'd quake with terror wondering how cold he might be. Now that I clearly see this process it has allowed my fear to fade away. I KNOW this is of Spirit. I watch Higher Will "work" him. How can I be scared of HIM when I know the messages I received of him are meant to push me to own my truth? When I doubt any of this- that we are meant to have a future together, that he misses me like I miss him, that he could still love me, etc. etc. THEN channeled through him is him ignoring his truth. His truth is that he loves me and wants a commitment to me. UGH- so when I ignore that truth... I am not given it. And that really sucks, lol, because he then kinda becomes my "monsters." If I let it then those messages can feel like the scary haunted house when in reality, by the light of day, they are really just the old creaky time-worn house in need of a loving touch, some faith that despite appearances deep down inside it's that same warm love-filled space it once was.
Fear... can manipulate our reality if we let it. Fear is insidious and can make an innocuous innocent situation seem scary and wrong. But love can shift it back around to TRUTH.
Love or fear. Our choice.
For a long time I have doubted Joron's love. I didn't believe. And if he is my strongest mirror then he's been forced to "feel" that in some way. I've received glimpses of this from him. One time he told me I "stress him out." I think it is Spirit giving him emotion- he is "forced" to feel a certain way in order to stay away from me is how I see it actually- how else would the mirroring work? If he truly does love me and wants to be with me in his heart but he MUST act as my mirror because he is my twin soul then somehow that love is pushed to the side and some other dreadful emotion must be put into it's place so he stays quiet, wants to avoid me somehow. It sucks on my end for sure- bt how must it feel for him?
It is not my intention to be anything less than love but he has to come back now. But I don't often think of him, not enough. I don't consider how it must feel for him. I spend a lot of time wanting him back in my arms. I will hold him, kiss him and make love to him. I just love him and because I know he loves me too I feel we both are okay with saying we are going to be together. But I also don't want him hurting right now. I want him to feel okay and know my love, and understand that I don't need apologies.
I've worked so hard this last year- and one of the things I have learned about is the power of my intention. So it is my intention, here and now, saying my twin soul WILL be back soon. And I will hear from him, the real loving true him, soon. Like really soon. Like maybe tonight. Why? because I believe now. I know that my strong emotions makes change in my life, and the major change right now that I am manifesting is Joron back in my arms. We will be together forever.
Jenna Forrest says when they are finally there... to tread carefully. Like when he's finally with me I should be very gentle because I won't know what HE'S been through on his end. We don't normally take that moment to realize that it must be freaky and painful in some way for them too. I don't know much of how he feels so it is not as easy for me to empathize with whatever he might be feeling. I don't think walking away from me and being cold to me then later loving me hard and then again later disappearing again, ignoring his love's pleas to "Please don't ignore me again, please don't skip out on seeing me" must feel good to him. Maybe there is some guilt there? Maybe some pain? One would think- and all of it is inspired by my own emotions, doubts and fears. The love has come through when I have trusted truth but that has been few and far between. Not being hard on myself just honest. It has been quite a journey but now it is come time to take what I have learned, believe it any apply it so with that said- my love WILL be back soon. He loves me, and I love him with all my heart. He misses my kisses and desires to be in my life, my love. I know he wants to be my "boyfriend" and active love again. So I am going to make that happen. Co-creation I think it is called. I have been through enough to know that my soul gives me what I want most, and I want a life and family with Joron. I will have a life and family with Joron. I hope, I have a confident expectation, that it will all fall into place soon. I know that man is my husband, and I will dance with him and my wedding one day soon because when he comes back it will be full-force, so keeping us apart, together forever true strong intense pure love. I deserve for my love to be back with me now, so he will be- we will be kissing each other again soon, kissing away the last months and making room for tons of love.
Love,
Rose
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