But I did know. I knew he was utter perfection, hence why I called him my "Atheist angel."
I know as my twin soul he's always with me in Spirit but that doesn't help when I'm in bed alone, holding the pillow I bought for him because he told me "If I'm going to be staying over then I need a pillow!" *sigh* I am not one who buys the whole "Be content knowing they are with you in Spirit." Yeah, whatever. I get it... but I want a life and family with him. Oh SNAP! I know as a twin soul I read that I am not supposed to want that. Fuck that teaching. I think it's bullshit. I do want him physically in my life but without the trappings of fear I was feeling before. I want the opportunity to relish in the knowledge of his unconditional love and affection with no worry, no fear, only contentment and security.
One of our phone conversations when we reconnected he brought up a VERY sensitive issue, our biggest {and it was ALL planned via Spirit, not even through us as humans.} He mentioned it and I said, "I'm so sorry. I still feel silly over that. I swear it was channeled to me and I still don't know why." He chuckled and said, "Oh it's okay. We love each other enough that we worked through it."
I wrote to him last November and told him he had a terrible gambling addiction; I was told to by my guidance although I didn't believe it and felt I was being tested. I think what was happening is right after he turned off I went insane inside. I just KNEW something had to be broken in him to do such a thing, and I was ignoring ALL the stuff inside of me that needed to be healed, not least of all my OWN near addiction- to alcohol plus all the other fear and shit I had inside of me. I has this inability to recognize myself as energy, and my constant doubt over whether Spirit was real or not was really messing with my life, and Spirit wanted that all healed. Due to this Spirit screwed with me by testing my truth, made me even more crazy until I hit a rock bottom and finally owned up to all of my OWN crap that needed to be healed. It's like my Higher Self was testing me, happens all the time. Also it showed how much I was willing to sacrifice for him- I was willing to make him hate me just in case he DID have a problem I was supposed to tell him about. For the record I do not think he has a gambling problem at all; I think I was shown just how much shit a twin soul union can take and still stay intact in the end.
I don't ever really want to be a psychic who gives people all kinds of messages. It stresses me out!
When I told him about the gambling addiction I was also told to tell him some other crazy insane bullshit, and I mean really crazy bullshit like he had mommy issues and needed to "turn to God" for healing. Try telling a staunch Atheist that he needs to turn to God for anything, lol! Ironically- he simply forgot all the rest of the insanity I told him, within a month later he never mentioned it again. The gambling, though, he remembered and for a while he'd bring it up like it bothered him. I was scared. And then he simply let it go, joked about it months later. He still gambles, and he's told me as much. BUT when I originally told him the message last November it caused a ton of chaos that I assumed we'd never work through. It caused him to tell me to leave him alone, lose his contact info, and I did. I was crushed. I thought the beautiful sweet relationship we'd shared had crashed and burned for really no good reason. I was distrustful of God... and thought I'd never love again.
Then a few weeks later he reached out perfectly timed with me writing about our connection on SF. There was a link between the two; I believed enough to post about it from the perspective of being Spirit-orchestrated, and he contacted me. It was not all peaches and cream: I was forced to stand up to fear from that very moment on. BUT- fast forward a few months and he is joking on the phone to me about gambling. Called himself "My gambling boyfriend." Said he wants to pretty me up and take me to Reno with him. When I said I was sorry... his words now haunt me.
"It's okay! We love each other enough that we worked through it."
And I just totally ignored his expression of total forgiveness and LOVE. IGNORED IT.
Do you SEE what my energy has done? Do you SEE why my ego is constantly flaring up and telling me it must be HIM HIM HIM despite ALL the affirmation and proof I have saying otherwise? BECAUSE I AM FUCKING AFRAID THAT I RUINED THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. That is why! And I hate seeing that truth! I I I I I I did this. And please don't tell me not to be hard on myself. It had to happen. My shit from my past was too deep, only my twin soul could push me through it. And I see. And it fucking hurts. It hurts so so so bad.
It hurts because he was, is and always will be the best person to ever enter my life besides my own child. And he's not with me, and it frightens me so my ego is always trying to tell me that what I feel is not true. Ego pushes me to get mad at him and angry with Spirit for "putting me through this" when it's been my own fear-based energy all along just pushing pushing pushing the love away.
So this is why ego flares up. It is a protective layer because the truth really does hurt. He reflects my energy and it is not something I can escape from- I'd have to totally run off and try to forget him in order to do so, and I just can't. I can't be a runner. I have this fortune cookie in front of me from after he didn't come back in March, "Faithless is he wold quits when the road darkens." And one recently, "Many receive advice; only the wise profit from it."
No matter what happens between me and Joron in a physical relationship sense, I can't battle back and forth over "But he's done this so he must be this." That is EGO and I am so tired of it. I know my heart. And I understand this is hard to accept but it's my truth.
And I feel like that saying, "You don't know what you got until it's gone." It's easier for my ego to flare up and keep my protected through LIES than it is for me to strip myself bare and accept 100% truth: he's amazing, and I couldn't handle it- he became, or was already planned, as my hugest lesson.
And I want to learn from it, love him through it, and I pray with all my heart that we reunite because he is amazing, and I hate that we've had to go through this. I hate that he's had to "hit" the one he loves with shitty words, lack of emotion, when I know inside he wants to love me. I wish I didn't have to push him to send me the ickiness that came through the weekend I drank and was so vile inside- I really regret that, even if I know I am not supposed to feel regret I DO regret it because he'd been coming closer and I really slammed the door in his face by making him be so cold to me. Yeah it did cause big change for me, but I wish it didn't have to come to what it did for that change to happen. I am thankful for the growth and healing, will love him forever for being my mirror, but I don't love the separation or the cold. Don't love it at all, and I would like for it to end now.
It's not easy. Truth does hurt. It also sets one free... but my heart just aches. I love him so much, and I know him- and he is Love, perfect love. I pray I am reunited with my love soon.
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