Kisses And My Truth

Thee kissing had to stop between us in order to help me save my life... and it was a sad sad day when that happened, the last day we kissed.  It was heartbreaking when my love walked out my door for the last time, and I still say had I known then what I know now I would have ran after him, thrown my arms around him, looked him deeply in his eyes and told him, "No matter what I will love you and trust you forever."  But I didn't know.  I only knew I was watching the love of my life walk to his car in order to drive to the airport the next day and fly 2100 miles away.  I think this image above, and the sentiment, says a lot: what of soul was left when the kissing had to stop?  Our kisses are PERFECTION- heaven on earth.  Our lips locked together is a Love-generator shooting beams of Light and Love off into the universe.  We "made love" simply through our kisses.  Made love, created love.  And I know we still do even though our kisses are not physical, and I know our lips will meet again soon.

I've been doing some thinking these last few days.  And I've worked a lot with my guidance.  I've written but in my journal because much of what I've written is too personal, and frankly a little boring, so it does not belong on my blog.  I've come to a strange point in my journey, and here's where I am: I feel like I am pretty well healed.  Yes- healed.  Of course we all have continued to work, for eternity, as a soul until we reach our "soul retirement."  I have lots more "Awakening" to do- we all do for the rest of our lives.  Only people like Jesus and Buddah ever reach that fully Awakened state, and Lord knows it's doubtful I am ever going to get there, lol.  BUT one thing I know for sure is I have overcome major amounts of fear and doubt in this last year.  And to get me there Joron had to walk away from my love, and it was a HUGE love {still is} and he had to ignore his heart in order to listen to his soul guide him.  I know this.  I fucking KNEW it from the moment I got his first message telling me he was leaving for CA; it did not feel right to me.  It felt orchestrated and out of place.  I didn't believe he could just walk away from me like that.  I knew he couldn't.  And then this whole twin soul separation happened.  It was just surreal.  It did help to heal me but it hurt along the way, and I am ready for our separation to be over now.

You may read this and think "Just where does she get off thinking SHE can state when her separation ends?  It's up to Spirit!"  Well let's not forget about the power of intention and manifestation and belief.  It is my belief that Joron left me for a reason, to help heal me, not because he was walking away from my love.

I feel like this is how Joron thinks of me: "Hooked on A Feeling."

Our love is strong.  And when we dated it was OFF THE CHARTS.  I've written about our kisses before, and if I could I'd share our kissing videos... it's obvious when I look at us kissing that we are meant to be,  Kisses where time stopped.  Kisses where heaven was felt... the earth could have stood still and neither one of us would have realized it.  He came to my home knowing all he'd get was time shared with me and my KISSES, and God... I know he misses my kisses.  I KNOW his song "Your Kiss Is on My List" is for a reason.  On our last night together he walked in my house and said he'd heard our two songs played back to back on the radio, "Your Kiss Is on My List" and "Take on Me." Being an Atheist he tried to laugh it off but Spirit gives us messages like a slap upside the head- and I was supposed to hear that.  And I know that my kiss IS on his list, and my kiss is what he misses at night.

He misses me.  When we reconnected on the phone back at the end of May, when I finally gathered all my courage and heart and blasted out a message about our love after not speaking to him for about nine weeks {post found here: http://twinsoulssilenceisgolden.blogspot.com/2014/05/love-love-love.html} he immediately text me {text is a mode of communication Spirit only uses in this journey when it's supposed to really catch my attention} and asked me to call him.  When we were on the phone he sighed so sweetly, so sadly, so full of genuine love and affection and longing and he said, "*my real name*  I miss you."  His voice was truth, that sad ache like "I need you now.  Right now.  PLEASE do this thing.  But see- I feared, still.  I still questioned.  I was still going through my journey.

But I am THERE now.  I KNOW he loves me!  I fookin' know it, like deep down in my cellular structure I understand that we are eternally connected but at the same time I know that man is supposed to be in my life, right now.

And you know what?  I am NOT scared at all.  I miss the shit out of that man.  I want to hear his giggle again.  I want to see that sparkle in his eyes... his soul shines through his eyes, and he has a sweet strong soul.  A soul he listens to very strongly.

I asked my soul this morning why we each "hear" differently.  Joron seems to unconsciously "feel" our Higher Self instead of being conscious of the guidance like I am.  I wonder if he feels what he sends me is his own thoughts and feelings, and if so then I have to own my truth really fucking quickly because that man is suffering.  SUFFERING.  Either he writes to me and forgets it later and it does not affect him, and for his sake I hope this is the case, or else he must feel like he is losing his mind.  I am unsure which one it is but as my guidance says, he is "not normal."  Joron is exceedingly psychic.  But see I have to use my pendulum to get messages, well sometimes.  I can tell now that Spirit talks to me outside of the pendulum through strong intuition, auto-writing, messages, signs, synchronicity, and especially songs.  But I am often fully aware of my guidance.  Joron is not aware. He just get nudges and follows them.  He got the message that a career opportunity was waiting in CA for him and he followed his soul which told him "Get on a plane immediately and start this thing."  He text me later, "I don't want to leave you."  <---- TRUTH.  He did NOT want to leave me. I know this all had to happen but I am still a little sad that he had to leave me, and I want him back ASAP.

I am a Highly Sensitive Person, an ENFP, and a Leo- fire sign.  I LOVE making love.  Like to me it is the best thing ever, better than a luxurious cruise or a day at the spa or a wonderful meal.  I could live very very sparsely as long as I had lots of really good loving from the love of my life.  Not just sex- plain ole' sex makes me sick.  I need LOVE and lots of it.  Hard, soft, long, quick, intense, giggly, sweet, sexy, close... and anywhere in between.  Semi-private.  Hard against the wall.  Long and sensual for extended hours in bed- just give me lovemaking every day and I will be a very content woman BUT it must be with someone I am completely connected with on every single level" mind, body, heart and soul.  Anything less is weak, cheap and unfulfilling.  That said- I've been celibate since Joron left, and celibacy is not my most favorite state of being sexually.  I did not get sex often from my ex-husband; he had an aversion to sex with me- we just did not mesh well.  Then I dated, had sex with some of the wrong people, a few right people who I had to let go- but still the love making was few and far between.  I deserve my love, my Joron, in bed with me, kisses every night just like we talked about.  He always stressed that we'd have to make love every night, and honestly that was one of the things that keyed me in to the fact that our relationship was not normal. I had prayed for a man who would want to be close with me every day, one who wanted me fully in every way- and then Joron told me "You'll have to beat me off with sticks because I'm going to need you every night without fail."  I was like... "Hmmm... too coincidental that he feels just like I do." And then we kissed and it was explosive; and we kissed for hours and weeks and full evenings leading up to making love and just the kisses were heaven, total connection.  No accident.  He is so MINE.

I have remained faithful to him when I had easy opportunity for flings.  But I don't want a fling.  I want my love.  Drinking is behind me- I love and respect myself enough to not want to hurt myself. You know what?  I adore myself.  I am cute and soft and cuddly and I can see why people like me.  I can see why Joron fell so hard for me so quickly, and I KNOW it could not be easy to turn off from me, and I know it can't be easy for him to stay quiet.  It must hurt.  I can't imagine having to somehow stay away from him... to put myself in his shoes I can't really even imagine how he must feel.  We reconnected hardcore in March.  He wrote to me at 2AM telling me "I can't sleep because I am up thinking of you.  I can't wait to see your smile again, make you laugh and make love to you." He told me we needed to talk about our love, what to do about our love, because he made the "stupid" decision to move hundreds of miles away for the most perfect woman for him.  He showed me so much love... his need to reconnect with me, and I feared it.  And he had to leave again.

How fucking painful can that be?  And before he did he sent me that eerie message that said, "I'm so sad you don't love me.  I'm sad because I love you."  And then he faded away but before he did he did email me and said, "Please don't be upset or offended by my silence," a true message from Spirit asking me to be aware that is was not his choice but his DUTY to leave me so I could continue to work through my issues.  I think he'd send me those messages that said "I'm so sad you don't love me" because in fearing him and doubting him I was insinuating I didn't really love him- how could I love him if I doubted who he really was or if he truly loved me?  It was like I was saying "I don't trust that you are a good person" and in turn that was me insinuating I didn't love him.  It's not important now because I know it was of Spirit to get my attention but that's what the message must have been for me.  And it happened a handful of times, that message, always telling me "Please stop doubting me!"  But again, to think of how strongly I love him, and having to walk away from that love, I can't imagine how hard that would be.  He can't feel wonderful right now.

I know he misses me.  My prayer is for us to be together soon, to edify our love for each other.  It is time now.  You know what I want?  I've always said I want him back... I love him.  But I know he is hurting.  I remember how he walked into my house after our one argument and how sad and sorry he was- HE needed MY love.  I want to give him my love.  He's been through the wringer too, and I want to be able to hold him and love him and make it all better.  I really do.  We both need that- love-healing.  We really need to be in each others arms again making it all better.  Until then I am not content.  I am human- and until we are back together and I can love him, kiss him, look him in the eyes and tell him it's all okay- my heart is frustrated.  I want to make it better- I don't want him hurting either, and he should be loved by me again.  I know that is what he wants, and it's what we both deserve now.  And for the record- I don't want or need "I'm sorry."  Fuck "I'm sorry."  All I want is for him to walk in my door and into my arms- no words are even necessary.  Just kisses.  Kisses will cure the silence, the strange otherworldly emails, the distance and all the rest.  Once he is here in front of me we will both melt.  He does not need to say "I'm sorry."  I only ask that he be brought back to me so I can show him just how much I love and appreciate him... I am a nurturer and I want to make it all better now.  Some may read this and groan.  Think I am so attached, sick in love, whatever.  It's not that.  I just know if my son was hurting I'd want to comfort him, and I love Joron in a similar fashion.  I know this has taxed him as it has me, and I long to comfort him now.  Just love.

A-ha's "Take on Me" is playing as I write this, on Spotify.  LOL.  I SO know he's coming for me soon.  I just KNOW it.  There is no other way, none.  I know all of this is truth, and it being truth means when I realize that I am healed and whole, "illness" wiped out, and that I HAVE fulfilled my part of the mission, and when I realize and know fully that he loves me and misses me, then sooner or later Higher Will is going to get seriously tired of my mantra of "please please please please please please please please please pleassssssseeeeeee bring my love back to me now!  Pleasssssssssseeee!" and finally throw its hands up in the air and go "Okay already- reunite!"  In other words- I AM that "Fierce Tigress of Love" that my guidance told me I was before I met Joron: I do not give up.  I am a fighter... and I will not walk away from this.  It's obvious that it's happening.  It's obvious it's "from above" because it's helped to heal me and make me a much much stronger more fearless woman.  I am even learning to stand up for myself now- and that is something I have had a hard time with in the past.  I'm having a 3D issue at work and sooner than later if it does not change then I am facing it and ensuring it does not continue.  I deserve to be treated with full respect, not have someone riding my ass all the time.  Work is so 3D- a blessing of course but not my life.  I have a son and a joyful mental state to defend- my job is not my life.  It is a means to an end and "the world" cannot tell me any different because I refuse to listen.

Anyway- this experience has changed me for the better.  I am defending my life and my Light now. And I know all this back and forth with Joron, the love mixed with plenty of cold and even downright cruel messages {he recently told me "don't bother me anymore" but I blew it off and it went away just like all the other nonsensical messages from Spirit that I am supposed to find the veiled meaning in and leave the shit alone} has been to strengthen me and get me to defend my truth and belief.  My guidance calls those messages from Higher Will that are channeled through him "nonsense."  He sent me something the other day and actually referred to what he was writing as "nonsense."  *deep sigh*  I'm so done with the nonsense.  I only want my love back.

And this one: "For Once in My Life"

Yes- for once in his life he found a woman who would love him without fail, and I have.  I have faced fear down and held on to the love.  I have refused to believe that nonsense is truly him.  Of course it was scary and I doubted at times but now it has clearly been shown to me that this is some kind of... play.  A stage play where I am being shown through fake messages what I need to change inside me in order to get this where it needs to be.  Truth, complete truth, is what I need to know, defend and hold close to my heart.  I have spent a long time worrying about California.  How can I move there when my life is here?  And you know what?  I don't think, had this twin soul thing happened, he would have left without me.  Or else he would have made damn sure I was coming along- somehow.  Or else he would have stayed here, even after only knowing me six weeks.  Those six weeks of love were, like he said, six years condensed down into six weeks.  People fall in love in a night.  I fell in love with him the first day we emailed.  His heart was evident through his words, and once I heard that sweet soft loving voice I was... his.  California is not an issue.  Cali was part of the fear, part of the doubt... one night he told me on the phone if he met just the right woman with a good family who loved him then maybe he would not want to leave, and guess what?  THAT IS ME.  I AM the good woman with the good family who he would not have been able to leave had he not HAD to in order to ensure I was healed... to ensure I would not doubt my gifts, my ability, my heart and myself forever.  He had to leave for two reasons, and I see these very clearly.

1. So I would defend my life as I was not paying much attention to valuing myself or my life- too much inner turmoil and old hurts and fears that needed to be healed.
2. So I would finally fully believe... believe in love and in The Divine.

Those, in my opinion, are the two main reasons why he had to leave.  And as of today I have achieved healing and of course I believe in The Divine and its heavy role in my life.  I am reallllllyyyy working to fully surrender to my soul.  I don't know many people who live their lives based on what their soul wants of them, and I really try to do this.  My soul knows better than I do, and I am confident that my soul has an amazing life ahead for me and all I have to do is trust and have faith and then my destiny will fall into place, and I know Joron is part of that destiny.  He is so my wonderful husband in the future, the loving father of my next child, and the supportive caring step-daddy to my son... and somehow I don't think I am going to have to go to Cali to make all that happen.  I am handing that detail over to The Divine and not worrying about it any longer.  Know why?

Because of those kisses.  Those kisses are truth.  Those kisses said, "I can't bear to part from you."  he was gone for a week when he first went to sign his contract then he came back and saw me for two days.  We were sitting here on my couch all entwined in each other, lip locked and close, and coming up for air he looked at me and said, "It's only been seven days and we are like this {out of our minds in love} are you going to be able to make it?"  It was and is painful being separated from him.  I don't want it anymore, and I feel we both deserve to be together again.

I was told our combined mission was for him to help heal my Light in any way possible and for me to love him, trust him, and know the real him through it.

Check, and check.  Mission accomplished.

I know many people talk about spiritual practices.  Yoga and reiki and meditation.  Living a really pure clean lifestyle etc. etc.  I live MY life.  I write- that is my spiritual practice.  It is MY gift and I practice it; writing helps me heal.  No amount of yoga or meditation will help me as much as my writing will.  I don't entirely believe that going to reiki or meditating every day is going to "cure" a person.  Why?  Because one must go inner and face her demons, her fears, and face them down in order to heal.  I've had to face my monsters and it was not easy.  But I made it through.  

And for sure this one *swoon:"

God I love this song.  He told me he'd waited for a woman like me.  He had two heartbreaks before me and all I want to do is LOVE him fully, love him like he deserves, and I know he wants to love me too- wants to treat my like a princess and be a gentleman with me.  He wants to touch me tenderly, and kiss me gently,.. for hours.  Yes I know I can trust him.  He has helped heal me and I remember the "real" him; I've had glimpses of that man.  No matter how crazy our communication can be he ALWAYS mentions kissing me.  It has been the one thing that has stuck out to me through all of this: he always says he wants to kiss me, says he's never kissed anyone like me, and he wished he could kiss me every night.

I can't really say much more, you know?  I feel like I am nearing the end and for now I need to simply relax, be good to myself and cherish the love we have for each other.  Many people in my life actually DO believe me.  They see the pattern, and a few of them have begun to experience their own prayers being answered or major signs and synchronicity.  God has blessed me with challenges as well as blessings, and my blessings are those who love me unconditionally and who support me in my undying love for Joron- my desire to continue to work towards once again being in the arms of my love, forever.

We deserve to be together again.  We have both played our roles well- I would have to say we have been two strong twin souls.  I refuse to turn from him.  I love him in the face of fear.  I LOVE HIM and know I will see him soon.  My son and I should soon be on a plane to see him, or he's going to be on a plane coming to see us.  I just know we will see each other soon- there is nothing standing in our way.  I know our Higher Soul loves us and wants us back together, so it will happen.  We are perfect together and our shared love WILL help Light up the world.

And again, as a reminder:

Plus I really love this song- my heart's truth- miracles really DO happen: A Time for Miracles

Your Kiss Is on My List... I know I will be looking into his beautiful eyes soon.

And that, my friends, is my TRUTH.