Taking Another Break :)

For my few reader friends I just want to let you know I am again taking a break from my blog.  I feel like I am still being pushed even farther inward to seek within myself.  Because I get no more guidance spelled out to me through my pendulum I am going strictly on signs I get from around me to affirm me that I am headed in the right direction.  Sometimes I can get discouraged and I don't want that.  Also sometimes the pain in missing him so much wants to take over and I can't allow that either.  I ask myself what it is I need to FEEL to bring him back to me.  I am not a believer that we have to "do" something to reunite.  It is all about what and how we feel that matters.

I watched a video the other day, Ralph Smart, and he says we do not manifest that which we want.  We instead manifest that which we feel.  I think I need to concentrate even more on how I feel and less on talking about twin souls.

I ask myself- what would I be thinking, feeling and doing right now concerning this situation with James if I had no access to the Internet and all of its teachings?  If I had only my guidance from above and the experiences with James himself- would I be doing things differently?  Probably so.  I'd put even more energy into "feeling his love" which is what I've been told to do.  Instead I allow myself to be derailed by the thoughts and beliefs of others, and that's gotta stop.

I also really don't have the energy right now to guide anyone but myself.  I'm so tired and I need to be quiet now.  I can write but it's going to be in my journal.  There is something about this "feeling" and where I put my energy that still needs to continue to shift for me and I have to do it alone now.  If anyone is going through an experience like mine I hope they find my blog and it helps them to know they are not alone.  For now though- I am tired.  I am very blessed but I am also tired and I need some rest, some quiet, some totally going inner.  I love James so much.  I know he is my destiny and I'd like him back in my life NOW.  I know he will return and I want it to be soon.  My life is meant to be shared with him.

As always, best wishes to all.  May all of your dreams come true.

xxoo Jennifer

Devotion

I'd written another blog post with this same title and I deleted it because I did not like all of the energy behind it.  Recently I've been really concentrating on only thinking goodness and belief about this twin soul situation, about James, about myself, and about his love for me.  I know it's what has been asked of me, and it helps to clear me of ego.  It helps to shift me from fear to love.  I can feel it happening inside of me.

But I want to talk to James.  I miss him ferociously.  I can't begin to tell you how much I miss him.  All I want is him back in my life.  That said... as I've written, and as I'm consciously trying to manifest shifting my energy as it pertains to James, three men from my past have oddly-timed reached out to me, and I am trying to figure out why.  I am trying to see this from a higher perspective, from a soul level.

Why would other men contact me when all I want is James?  All of the contact has been... nothing bad.  Basically saying hello.  Reminders that I am thought of.  One who is my friend now tells me "Good morning beautiful," and I have a mixture of emotions.  Thankfulness in being treated so nicely, and also sadness that it is not my James because he used to say the same thing; he gave me a sweet hello every single morning from the first time we began talking, and I miss him so much that the contact from a different man is bittersweet.  So today I am telling myself a few different things about this contact.

1) It's not a coincidence, that's for sure.  All three men who've said hello have told me they love me in the past.  One of them I had platonic feelings for- it was never romantic between us although I cared for him and still do.  He always expressed his love for me and says to this day I'm the best friend he's ever had.  Sometimes I have a hard time understanding why he was so enamored with me, and maybe that is part of my problem.  And all three still "think" of me. Dare I say they miss me.

2) Maybe it is more to show me that I am thought of, remembered, and less that I am being "tested."  Maybe I can ease up on the feeling so "tested."  I only want James.  I think I've made that clear.  I tried going on a date, and while he was very sweet I was also shown I am not meant to be dating.  My James is waiting for me.  I know it.  I really do.  I have proof.  We've had contact.  He's told me himself that he hoped to see me, hopes to be with me again.  The quiet all boils down to the fact that he is my full spiritual mirror and he WILL show me any doubts I have inside of myself.  He has to- that's his job with me, his role in our journey together.  So he cannot just reach out even if he wants to.  He has to show my my energy until I shift it from fear to love.  These other men are NOT my full mirrors.  They are soul mates and they have the luxury of being able to show me they miss me, show me they think of me still.  So I wonder if the contact is to also reiterate that I am not forgettable.  To remind me that I make an impact.  That they think of me still.  I can't allow myself to taint my memories of my soul mates.  That last one, K, was hard.  We were close.  I loved him and he loved me.  I remember him sitting on my couch clutching me, shaking a bit, and saying, "I love you so much- what am I going to do?" He went through his own sadness in knowing he would not change his life and we'd come to an end.  It is not easy to fall in love with someone while being committed to another.  I know it was not easy for him... even though often my heart forgets this.  One time last year my sister was "pushing my fear buttons."  I know she was meant to.  And she went off on me about how James left me behind and didn't care about me.  As she was speaking my fears to me she also said, "And I don't think this K guy was as nice as you think he is either."  And honestly she had no reason or rhyme to say that to me.  She met him herself and he was friendly.  He took me to dinner.  He took me to a movie- he did things with me that he ached to do "for real" and not on the sneak.  I KNOW IT.  I refuse to bastardize my memories by thinking, "Oh he just wants a piece of ass."  No.  Would he like to see me again?  Probably.  Would he kinda hope to kiss me and stuff again?  Yeah, I'd think so.  He told me a while back that when he has to drive near my area all he wants to do is pull off at my stop, drive to my house, sweep me up and kiss me.  But it's more than "using me."  It is because he cared for me, and he has... still an emotional attachment to me.  Jason told me not long ago that now that he is single he is so afraid that he will never meet a woman who is like me.  He actually said, "Not my wife but you.  I am afraid I'll never meet anyone again who I connect with like I did you."  I am not going to sit here feeling badly or icky because my past soul mates still think of me with fondness.  I really don't think I am meant to feel any negativity over being contacted.  It is just to bring certain energies to light, to my mind.  And maybe it is to further reiterate to me: YOU ARE WORTHY.

3) And also it still does show me that I won't go back there.  I am not saying they are "bad" in any way but the situations were not good for me.  In the end I had to choose better for myself.  And I did, and I would never go back to that level of spiritual development.  It would be regressing.  K was like breaking an addiction in the end.  It was not easy.  It hurt.  To go back to that situation would be hurting myself and lowering my energy, and I love myself and protect myself now to the point where I will only choose higher.  There was time when I would have wanted to talk to K, engage him in conversation, get some attention from him.  Now that time is long past.  We are not meant to be "friends" in 3D.  Our time is over.  But I do wish him all the happiness and joy in the world, and I PRAY that his marriage is happier now, and that HE is happier now.  I really want K, my dear soul mate, to be happy.  If you only knew... how I agonized over him and his happiness and his life.  I have always wanted the best for him.  Letting him go was a big step for me.  James came into my life, I think, to also help me with keeping K gone from my life.  I actually had to tell James a bit about K, and he said that he hoped in meeting him he'd take my mind completely off of K, totally.  And in the end- that's what happened.  I love James so very much that I AM fully devoted to him.  I have no other choice.  I feel it is me following Divine Will over Free Will.  It is what my heart and soul both want, to have faith and stay in belief and follow this overwhelming love I have inside myself for this man who showed me a love that I am meant for.  I am not meant to flirt with Jason but I can be his friend.  God knows my intention.  I do not want affection from any man besides my twin soul.  That is MY choice.  Still though I have unconditional love for them all.

An important thing for me to note is after I walked away from K I made a solemn vow to myself and God that I would NEVER ever ever allow myself to find love with another married man, or a separated from his marriage man or a man just newly divorced and "needing" love in order to escape his own healing.  NO. Fucking. Way.  IT WAS TIME TO BREAK MY CYCLE OF KARMA.  To reach higher.  It WAS.  I felt it even if I did not totally understand.  I felt it even if I was not entirely healed.  I wanted more for myself than men {even if they loved me} I had to constantly let go of, feel guilty over, etc. etc.  I could no longer do that to myself- don't think it came with no guilt because it did.  And I needed out of that cycle, so I got out of it.  I told God I was totally 100% done, new clean slate, and I would wait for the right one.  A man who was healed, whole, healthy, ready for real genuine pure love.  I honestly told God and myself this and I meant it.  I wanted to real deal next time.  I wanted to be free.

And then I met my James!!! And I love him so much.  He is everything I asked God for and more.

My soul mates loved me but they could not choose me.  They were not meant to.  I was not meant for any of them.  The energy between my soul mates and James is similar but different.  James was able to CHOOSE ME.  To court me, ask me to be his girlfriend, and spend time with me freely and allow our relationship to grow and be nurtured through affection and intimacy but holding back on sex until the time was right.  HE is the one I am meant for.  I think they were to help start healing me, to help bring my fears to the light, and James is the one really making me face them by "shifting" like he does.  It is all very spiritual and divine, so not "of this realm."  I am thankful for my soul mates though, and I won't think badly of them.  I refuse to.  They all played important roles in my Awakening.  They all have played their roles as they were meant to, and I wish them all well.

I tell myself when I cross over- I will see all of these "special energies" again.  And we will hug and have a good laugh and I can thank them for helping me.  And they will all realize I've loved them but that I was meant for my twin soul who I will happily spend eternity with, close and blissful.  He mentioned "eternity" with me more than once, an "Atheist" who supposedly felt his body should be donated to science and that's all she wrote.  Same man told me, "I would gladly spend eternity with you."  Same man asked me if after we die will we spend eternity together kissing.  I know he's "My Other" on all levels. I just am aching, praying, hoping, wishing, dreaming... to have him back with me in this reality I have chosen to live here on earth, in this body.  I need his EVERYTHING back with me!  I need him because I love him.

I love my twin soul.  With this love all-encompassing, never-ending love that I've explained before.  My soul mates... I was able to let them go.  I have no romantic feelings for them.  I have no "romantic" intentions towards them.  James was the one I could not let go of.  Damn I can't.  It is impossible.  I am so in love with him.  Only James.  I want a life with James.  A marriage and family.  He is my future.  But maybe my soul mates popping up are reminders to help me realize that I am thought of, that I am special.  I think they are to let me know that James also feels this way about me even if he cannot show me.  They can so they do.  He cannot but they issue little reminders!

I really do have unconditional love for them all though, no matter what our "relationships" are in 3D.

"When you can see a situation from a higher perspective, that is true freedom."  That's a message I got from my guidance before I met James.  A message to remind me to try to see the world and the people in it as my mirror instead of jumping to negative 3D conclusions. It's choosing to try to view situations from love instead of fear, something I continue to work on each day.

xxoo  Jennifer

Just Say Yes... to Truth

I know I am being very repetetive and maybe some people will get tired of my blog now but that's okay.  Some day I will very happily be able to come on here and report that James and I are back together in all ways.  For now this is my area to share my feelings so my apologies that I now use this space to honor my union and share my overwhelming love for my Love.

As you know, I am concentrating only on the TRUTH which is the love and kindness and acceptance that James showed me.  I realize this process has forced me to face fears and "scoop myself clear" of all non-Light bearing bullshit 3D ego muck inside of me.  Yet to me what it feels like is "I want my sweet boyfriend back."

That said, I've been thinking a lot about him {big surprise, right?} and this song made me think of him due to the words, "For God's sake dear."  It made me think of truth, and I'll tell you why.  He said very strongly that he believed in us.  We were on the phone after that having one of our really sweet long talks.  He is such a dear, and his voice is adorable.  Soft and gentle yet still super sexy.  And he told me that he really loved my spiritual side, my God-loving side.  I teased him about it due to his Atheism but he said that he loves how passionate I am for what I believe in.  This is a man who asked me three times to read his tarot cards, asked me until I relented and read them, and then when I was finished very genuinely asked me if I could pull a card for "us."  And he was not teasing me.  He was being very respectful.  So he told me he was talking to one of his science cohorts where he worked and told him he was dating "this really nice woman who talks to angels" or something like that, lol!  And he kinda chuckled when he said it but I guess the guy said to him, "Really?" and James told me that he told him yes, and he really appreciated me and thought my belief was inspiring.  And James told me to write a book about God because he'd never heard anyone explain God like I did to him.  He totally accepts and respects me and my beliefs, just as I do him. 

So that was when we dated.  And that was truth.  I know he loves me, and I know he totally accepts and embraces my beliefs.  It's so not a big deal to us, me believing strongly in this "God" force and him following science and logic and "theory" and being inspired by the universe.  Same difference, although I will admit logic is not my strong suit, lol.  But we are very similar.

I loved talking religion and science and God with James but honestly I loved kissing him even more.  If I had to choose between discussing either science or religion I'd pick science every time.  His passion for science tapped into something inside of me.  I've always loved the universe and the sky; big sky-watcher.  I am fascinated with space although I am not a fact-geek like he is.  But meeting him and hearing his passion, experiencing his love for Physics and Biology and humanity and the earth touched me.  He inspires me.  Such a good person, and I do know this is truth.  And I know how important it is to have a strong inner knowing about him, his truth and OUR truth concerning the love we have for each other.

It is easy when adversity strikes to let go of a good memory, or to allow fear to "taint" the truth.  And I can't do that.  I almost let fear steal him from me, and I won't allow it.  Even if he is not here with me I refuse to let fear make James into something he is not; how fair would that be?  That would be a tragedy, a sad state of affairs.  I have been fighting for my truth but now it is slipping into more of a "knowing" that he loves me and always has, and he loves me for what resides INSIDE of me.  He is attracted to my outside too, lol, but more because he's so drawn to my soul, and the same goes for me with him.  I love everything about him down to the way he walks.  Even the goofy way he is put together, and the fact that he's tiny compared to the men I "liked" before him.  His Light shines SO brightly that it wipes away all else.  What I am left with is knowing how good he was to me and my son when he blessed my life.  Sweetest thing that's ever happened to me besides my child was meeting James.  Having him walk up to me on our first date to hug me and with a smile say, "You are just as beautiful as I knew you'd be."  And it so was not a "line."  He was genuine.  And he held my hand.  And gave me the best blue moon birthday first kiss EVER.

Also- not only do I believe that he loves me but I cannot let go of knowing what a good loving man he is, and he is.  He showed me such compassion and love and empathy, so generous and kind.  Fear has also been shown to be through him since we separated- it's what twin souls do.  And when that fear is mirrored through them back to us it can be scary and very easy to let that fear become truth.  I won't let that happen.  I will defend my truth and defend him and love him like I have been asked to. 

Some may say I am living in the past and that's okay.  I am ensuring I concentrate on my truth because I refuse to allow my sweet loving memories be taken from me, tainted by fear.  Fear sucks man.  Fear has been a torturous nemesis to face down, and this ain't been no laughing matter.  But I love this man enough to know who he truly is, the one who has had to help me face my fears.  He deserves such devotion from me for how precious he treated me when he was with me.  Maybe most people would not be able to understand, and that's fine.  They don't have to understand.  What matter is how *I* feel, and whether or not I feel I am following Divine Will.  I sure as Hell am doing my best, that's for sure.

This reminds me of my sweet scientist boyfriend, so much.  He once wrote to me and said, "You asked me why I am so nice.  It's because I was shaped by people like this, Carl Sagan.  I think you'll like this."  And yes, he IS a nice man.  And I love him with all my heart.  And my soul.

This is a beautiful speech by Carl Sagan, and so true.  These is the type of information that James introduced me to.

My scientist, my friend, my love.  Watching all these cosmos-type videos and "Symphony of Science" totally remind me of you.  Love you.

"Faithless Is He..."

"Faithless is he who quits when the road darkens."  This was my fortune cookie message a year ago when I thought my world was caving in around me.  This amazing angel of a man appeared to, out of nowhere, turn into everything that scared me and I wanted to just RUN.  I was terrified.  A week or so later I got this message and knew it could be no coincidence: I had to believe in what my guidance was telling me and showing me, and I had to continue on with this experience.

And it has not been an easy year although it has been a blessed year since so many positive personal changes have happened to be through this union with my twin soul and Higher Self.  Still though it can be so "unreal" that I ask myself repeatedly if this is REALLY real.  Really?

To the readers of my blog, allow me to give you a generalized review of who I am in this crazy thing we call "life."  By no means am I "bragging" because besides being a mom and loving English literature, freedom of thinking, expanding minds, free speech, expression, writing and "The X-Files" not much of the rest matters to me although I am thankful for my blessings and what Spirit has helped me achieve.  Things like job titles and so on and so forth make no difference to me.  In my eyes the CEO of a company has the same exact worth as the janitor coming in at midnight to sweep the floors.

I am a single mother of a loving adorable sweet friendly and totally joyful five year-old boy.  I have been married and divorced twice, and both times I chose the hard decision to leave the marriages because neither man loved me how I am meant to be loved.  They loved the bar, drinking and their friends way more than they loved me.  Leaving marriage #2 was really scary since I had a two-year old son and I'd never been on my own before.  I am an assistant director at a Big Ten university and I have both my BA in English and my MA in English literature.  I was the second person in nine years in my department at the university to choose to write a MA thesis, and it's a really kick work on Postmodern Paranoia and The X-Files, using the X-Files comparatively with literary works of postmodern paranoia to explain how Chris Carter used the nine-season running show as a vehicle to educate the public on what goes on "behind the veil" so to speak: so I was "Awakening" years ago before I even knew what Awakening was.  My choice of MA thesis spoke to that. 

I own my own home, an older tri-level that is warm and cozy and houses me and my son as well as my friend and her two children.  We have two moms, three kids, three cats and a bird all co-habitating nicely under one roof.  I am lucky to have a close loving family with parents who are married and still much in love, a younger brother and sister who I see on a routine basis, nephews who I adore, and I still have two grandmothers who are alive and well.  We went to visit one of them this past weekend.  I have tons of loving aunts and uncles and cousins, and I have good dear friends.

I have a close connection with The Divine and my Higher Self.

I've worked my way through loads of adversity over the years and I am more loving, patient and strong for it.  "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" is a motto I highly agree with.

I love to write.  I've written multiple "stories" that could work themselves up into really interesting novels: pirates, parallel dimensions, cellular memory, vampires... my ideas come from above and all of them have reflected ideas or themes that I am going through now in life.  And all of them heavily concern LOVE.  Deep deep soul-based love.  

I've dated various men.  I've fallen in love over and over, and each time I've been able to move on.

Until I met James.

James is every love story I've ever written and each love song I've listened to a million times over.  He's every wish I've made on every star I've ever wished upon.  He's every prayer I've ever breathed to God above for true love.  He is my everything.

But from what I've written above you can see that I am no spring-chicken when it comes to life.  I am 41 years-old and have experienced a lot in those 41 years.  I respect and love myself very much, and I am not the type of woman to "obsess" over a man.  Not now, not after all I've been through and been taught about myself from above.  I've dated far too much, let myself down with some of the choices I've made, settled for less than I am meant to, wayyyy too many times to allow myself to invest time, energy and heart in someone not meant for me.

My love, affection and devotion to my twin soul comes from somewhere deep inside of me, from my heart and soul.  It is beyond my "human" control.  No amount of teachings about "co-dependence" or "attachment" or "letting go" apply in this case of me loving him.  It is a love that is out of my control.  This love is called "surrender."  I can only surrender to the overwhelming love I have for him and pray to God above that my destiny will come to me, or I will bring it is me, as long as I follow what I've been guided to do which is to love myself, recognize and embrace all the positive change, healing and growth I've achieved since knowing James, and love and trust him, Higher Self and God through it all no matter how things may "appear" to be.

I'm "psychic" {whatever that means lol} and Spirit/The Universe/Creator Energy speaks to me and guides me.  It has saved my ass on occasion.  That ALONE is miraculous.  All of this has become so "normal" to me that I fail to appreciate how divine and amazing it truly is to have an invisible entity tell me to turn on my radio and wait while IT changes the channel by itself and proceeds to play "Take on Me" while telling me to really listen to the lyrics to see how they apply to this situation.  My favorite song since 1985 that James always teased me about.

James used to say God was a puppeteer in the sky.  "Sky Daddy."  I'm not sure I can argue that BUT the roles are written by us.  God only "does" or creates what we ask to be created.  It's not like "God" is up there making choices for us.  NO.  We are empowered to make our own choices and create our own realities, experiences, conditions, etc.  Offered to us along the way is guidance to help us make the right choices, choices of love that will result in happiness instead of choices of fear that will lead to despair.  God does not want us in despair.  The Universal Creator Force designed us as souls to be love and joy but still we have to choose this for ourselves.

It was a very enlightening and somewhat daunting realization when I came to find out that I truly am a piece of "God" and I can and do create my own experiences.  Sometimes I actually long for the days where I used to believe God was a deity that I prayed to, tried to be good, and "He'd" take care of me based on what "He" felt I needed.  HIS choice, not mine.  It almost easier to allow myself to think someone else is in the driver's seat, calling the shots, in power, less responsibility on my part.

God does choose.  Because we are God and we choose.  And it makes no difference if you are an Atheist, or a "non-theist" who does neither believe or disbelieve in a God-force, or if you are a bible-thumping Christian- the same rules apply to us all.  And we are allowed to believe what we will because, again, we create our own realities.  The Universe, All-That-Is, that creator energy out there, gives us that freedom.

It's a terrible irony in a way because those out there who protest AGAINST God sometimes don't like the fact that God "controls" life.  And that is so far from the truth.  We are granted the control.  Just most people don't understand or believe this, at all.  We are the ones who write the roles for our lives, and other souls and circumstances play out the roles we've written.

And just how do we write those roles?  Through what we believe in and where we put our faith and energy: prayers, wishing on a star or making a birthday wish or wishing when finding a penny or wishing when throwing a penny in a fountain or wishing on a falling star {when I was little and still sometimes today I will wish on the first star I see at night} those idea we meditate on, ritual, manifestation, DREAMING, vision boards, planning the trip of your dreams, mantras... the list goes on and on.  Anything where we place our desire energy and our heart towards is what we create.  This is why the power of prayer really is so strong.  But so is the ritual a Wiccan does.  And so is the birthday wish a five year-old makes when he knows that wishes really do come true because he BELIEVES.  When a person "believes" God answers her prayers then she is believing... and those prayers can and will come to fruition due to the energy behind them.

One day James wrote to me and told me something about "You told me you prayed for someone like me to come into your life.  I did too, well I didn't pray but I always wished to meet a woman who loved me and accepted me as I am.  I am so glad I met you and I love you being my girlfriend and I can see us having a lasting future together.  I really love you."  But right there he used the word "wish."  Wishes and prayers are the same energy.  Day dreams are too.  Same with hoping.  Hope is a good thing despite what some might say. 

This is why people say "Be careful of what you wish for because it might just come true."  BECAUSE WISHES DO COME TRUE.

And unfortunately so do worries.  Worries, my friends, can become reality.  So please be careful where you place your energy.  I beg of you to do so because I turned my worries into reality and it's been a long 21 months of being separated from the love of my life since then.  Yes I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in these last months but still I wish I could have learned them alongside the man I love instead of separated from him, and I KNOW I created our separation through my fears and worries.

And now I am trying to de-create what I created by concentrating on Love and Light and Belief in his love for me.  Only goodness.  Which is why you will see many posts from me where I highlight his goodness, the sweetness and love he shared with me, like getting my son Pop Rocks and making me home made perogies.  Like looking forward to sharing time with me, wanting to just be in my presence talking with me.  Treating me like I am precious to him.  Never asking for anything more than simple affection, a kiss and a hug.  Asking for my thoughts and REALLY truly being interested in my mind and heart.

I love him more than I can express.  My heart swells like listening to the most moving film score or seeing the aurora borealis for the first time or getting a clear sign that God exists every time I think of his sweet face and kisses.

I know this is a love beyond my control because I am a "sane" and strong independent woman who CANNOT move beyond or leave behind the love or memory of this man.  In the past I've always been able to love but let go and move forward.  Not this time.  It is not happening, beyond my control.

Writing out this post reminded me of something.  One of the last things I got from James he said, "I hope to be intimate with you next week.  HOPE and WISH."  I used to hope, wish and pray way more often before I knew how much of this is controlled by "me."  I still am having a hard time acclimating to this new idea of "God."  I actually felt more safe and secure "praying" to God and wishing upon a star.  Maybe it is okay for me to do so again.  Maybe it is okay for me to look out my window at the first night's star, squeeze my eyes tight and say, "I wish I wish to feel James' lips on mine again, soon, to be together forever, to be his wife."

Even at the darkest points I will have faith, and believe me- the silence... it is deafening, and quite honestly I don't find it golden one bit.  It's served a purpose and I understand but all I desire, wish and pray for, from the bottom of my heart is reconnection in the physical with my James, with my sweet Geologist golf-loving wobbly smiley joyful little cute kissy sexy boyfriend. 

I wish, hope and pray for my love, my James, to be back in my arms soon, where he belongs.  My Destiny.

Sharing & Love

Today's blog post is just some of my random thoughts.  I am antsy.  I don't like the way our society is organized.  It makes no sense to me that we have to work our asses off in an office, closed away from nature and those we love, in order to make enough money to live.  It really grates at me lately.  I am the best mother I can be, and I spend more quality time with my son than many moms are able to but still I wish I did not have to drop him off at pre-school on a gorgeous day and then go sit my ass in a cement room all day while staring at a computer screen working all day.  I am so not made for this.

I am made for go fishing with my child and spending time with him.  Having TIME to grow a garden and tend to it.  Baking homemade bread and teaching my son along with me.  Picking berries and making jam.  Being able to have a dog, meaning having the time and energy to do so.  I won't get a dog who I have to leave at home alone most of the day.  I just want to CRY.  I appreciate all the goodness I have in my life; I really do.  My job allows me to have a home and pay my bills but at the same time isn't this life we lead total madness?  We all scramble around like little worker ants, answering to the higher-ups, all in order to have such little free time doing fun things with the ones we love.

It is fucking crazy!  And it wears on me.  Awakening... has torn me up inside and shown me what aspects of life are truly important: God, Self, friends, family, humanity, nature {including protecting our planet} and Love.  I just want a simpler life doing things I actually enjoy doing: helping people, loving people.  I am such a helper soul.  My current 3D job is not heart-fulfilling for me.  It pays my bills well.  All the benefits really help my life.  It keeps my son in a top-notch pre-school and soon to be kindergarten.  His school is where I work so it is close and works with my schedule.  I have good benefits, my own office, etc.  It is not a bad job.  I should not complain about it but I just wish I did something that satisfied my SOUL.  I guess that is one reason why I keep this blog.  It satisfies me to reach out and share my experiences and feelings just in case there is even one person out there who is going through something similar.  I know how beneficial it is to land on that one thing which helps you feel less like you are losing your mind!  Affirmation is helpful, especially in the beginning parts of our journeys.  In the latter parts, like I am in now, affirmation really needs to come from inner.  But there is always a time and place for sharing.  So I do.  My spirituality is really my "soul role" in life.  Not my 3D "job."  I was once told that my Light is the reason why I am here, where I work.  I honestly fit in like a turd in a punch bowl here.  I am a "mercy" person working with a bunch of "justice" types.  I am an ENFP working with accountants, lol.  But I have the job because it helps my life and I really am grateful I just wish I had more free time with my son, and with myself.  I love being outside.  I love laughing with my son.  I love having peace of mind and a slower pace and sometimes that is hard to do while balancing this position working full-time while being a single mom in a twin soul separation, while Awakening.  *deep breath*

I don't meant to complain.  I am only saying it can be a challenge.  At times I don't feel like I have enough time.  Or energy.  But I do have ample time off, and I need it.  People around me, here at work, don't understand {at all} what my life is like "behind the veil."  It is like a live a dual life.  One here in 3D and one in 4D.  It is a positive thing but takes getting used to. 

My vision would be to live in a small community that is quieter and slower, less technology and more human connection and Love.  Sometimes my soul hurts.  It just aches.  I cannot explain it.  I don't feel like I fit in here well, on earth right now.  Especially here where I live.  Suburban, more urban than anything.  I HATE cement.  I love trees.  And open skylines.  And STARS.  Here you can barely see the fucking stars.

Again, my soul, my heart, longs for something else, something more than this.  Something more real than the next iphone or a bigger car or more square footage or a more prestigious job title.  I could care less about any of that "stuff."  None of it matters to me!  I enjoy my pay check because it keeps a roof over my head {and the people who live with us} puts food on my table and allows me to do fun things with my child which I do often.  FUN.  A child's life is supposed to be filled with fun, and I ensure my son has a good childhood filled with love, care-free times, and lots of fun.

My heart hurts!  I ache.  The past week has been very emotional for me, and I have not written much here to explain.  Father's Day was really hard.  And yesterday marked a year of sobriety for me, and it marked a year since the moment when I had my huge ego-fit and my twin soul had to mirror it all back to me, and our connection shifted and scared the shit out of me, and I have not been able to shift it back yet.  And I miss him.  I miss him SO much.  He was RIGHT THERE but I would not let go of the fear, and I pushed him away with my energy and I am so sad now.  I can't help it.

I am thankful to be sober though.  Thankful to God and Higher Self for pushing me when I wouldn't listen and for protecting me.  Drinking can make me angry and stupid.  Thankful to James for showing me the energy even if it was scary.  I had to see it so I could face it and change it, and I have.  I have not had a drink in a year.  Well in weak moments I twice took a sip but stopped myself before drinking anything further; I love myself, my twin soul, my growth and this experience too much to fuck it up by backsliding with the bottle.  The experience I had on June 22, 2014 was shocking to say the least.  I cannot, will not, allow that experience to be in vain or not learn from it- I won't let it be not worth anything by resorting back to that old behavior and fear.  Listen- it has been a challenge to go from using whiskey as my biggest vice to being stone-cold sober while facing the deepest most painful heartache I've ever experienced.  And being a single mother trying to raise a joyful child. 

I AM STRONG!  I am so strong!  And I am doing my absolute best.  A big part of that experience was being shown what I feared about my twin soul.  It has taken me a year to work through a lot of that, the aftermath.  The lingering doubt and fear.  But I am getting there and I KNOW he will be able to return to me soon.  I want that more than anything else in life besides offering my son a good happy life.  I want my child to be happy and feel safe and protected.  I want my son to feel like I am his friend and guide.  I was scared of my mother.  I refuse to have that for my child.  He knows I care for him and he can trust me to love him and show him how to live and love properly.  He will NEVER be scared of me, ever!   

Every single day that I go not having James in my life... I feel like something important is missing from my life.  I AM happy.  I do love myself and my son, and I like being alive.  I wish life was different.  I do.  I am allowed that thinking.  I think the way we live is stupid.  Kids with their faces in video games.  Adults with their faces in their phones.  Blah!  Stupid.  We lack connection and it shows.  Just turn on the TV or watch the news to see how badly we lack connection, empathy and compassion.  But I like being with my child and those I love.  And I long, pray and dream for the day when I can share my life with my Beloved who I miss with all of my heart, my dear kind loving soul friend.

It's been... overwhelming inside myself.  Emotions galore.  I love.  That is all.  I am love.  I am made for love.  I love.

I really would love to have my twin soul back in my life.

I love.

Jennifer 

A Note on "Signs"

I have to share my most recent sign with you.  Us twin souls get all of these signs and synchs and some of us question our sanity and we wonder if it is just coincidence or if we are just seeing what we want to.  Some twin souls say the signs are only manifested by us because we want them so we see them all over, and that they hold no significance, and I've always felt that is not truth.

Well let me tell you about my sign this morning.  I realized that last year in March I created this little mural of a "Tree of Life" and on it I drew all intention for James to be in our lives as my husband and my son's step daddy.  I drew it and put a shit ton of good energy into it.  I worked on it while watching the movie "Seredipity" and while watching that movie he tells her she has a constellation on her arm, and James told me I had one on my leg.  So I drew this picture and I colored it all in and painted it and put glitter on it and stickers and all meaningful stuff to us.  I really manifested my ass off on this one, and a week later he was back.  Like BAM slammed back to me.  And two weeks before that, as a reflection of my fear energy, I received a not-so-nice message from him that my guidance blatantly ask me after receiving, "So how does fear feel?"  Three weeks later after working on my energy, bringing TRUTH close to me, he came back,

I was thinking about that this morning.  And I wrote in my journal all goodness.  All what I know is our truth.  He will be back.  He misses me and my child dearly.  He met me and realized I am an amazing woman who would make an excellent loving wife and mother, and James wants a child.  He met me and felt I would be that woman to give him a child, and we will raise a loving free-thinking enlightened family together.  I know this.  He totally fell in hard love with me as I did him.

So then it was time to make breakfast because the Little Man who lives with me was saying, "I'm so hungry mommy- it is time for "breadsticks" yet?" Which means he was asking for breakfast- his word "breakfast" sounds like "breadsticks."  Cracks me up.  I ended my journaling and went to make some oatmeal and eggs.

My twin soul friend then text me and said, "Well this must be a sign for you."  She sent me a photo she took of her XM radio screen in her car.  A pop song was playing but instead of the title of the song there was only one word.  A name.  My twin's name.  "James."  That is all.  Right there on the screen of her XM radio.

TOTAL sign.  Total sign telling me I am on the right track.  It is the correct energy, and to keep moving forward.  And I will.  But I did not imagine that sign.  It was not even given to me directly although The Divine knew my friend would share it with me.

Amazing, right?  Absolutely amazing.  I am in awe. and I am grateful for the sign because it helps me realize that all I need is to know the truth which is we are both just love and we love each other dearly.  I've been saying I hope I get a sign to show me I am doing the best thing I can for our union, and this was a good one.  A sign I absolutely cannot and will not ignore or overlook or write off. This was a clear sign given to me strongly so I cannot ignore it.

Just wanted to share for those of us who get the signs and then wonder why.  I think they are often affirmation that something you are thinking or writing is right.  If the sign is not a very great sign then it might be showing you that you need to shift your energy elsewhere; this happens to me too. But this one is clearly to show me I am on the right track here.

Hugs,

Jennifer

ETA: later this same day while out with my son, perfectly timed, I heard "Your Kiss Is On My List" which is like my number one "sign" song for our union :)

Guidance/Higher Self/Ramblings...

I noticed something here recently, and it takes some getting used to, takes swallowing my ego and accepting.  I am guided heavily, and when I say "heavily" I mean if I am not meant to do something then it is not happening.

Two recent incidents.  I wanted to call a psychic to ask her a question.  I created my account and put money in it but I cannot, for the life of me, get connected to this psychic.  It says she is available and then the call will drop.  I tried dialing in myself but then it tells me my pin is invalid when I know it is not.  So then I created a new pin and when I went to use it I was told the phone number on file was not correct.  So I double checked that and then created a new pin again.  And THEN when everything should have been correct I tried again and was told the system was having issues.  And I swear every time I tried to get a hold of her it would ring then hang up.  I totally take this as me being blocked from talking to her, and that is fine.

So if anyone wants to talk to a psychic let me know cuz I have fifty bucks sitting out there on my account that I cannot use!

Second thing is I wanted to try and help someone who is going through a similar experience as mine.  Well, that got blocked too.  Blatantly.  Long story that I don't need to explain but I was totally blocked.

Sometimes I really have to work on accepting things like this.  I know it must be for a good reason so I am trying to just breathe and accept.  I don't know exactly what I am being shown.  I have been doing my writing, and I am trying to ensure it's all goodness.  I honestly am.  I refuse to speak of anything besides the goodness and love and truth of who my twin soul is, and how he treated me when he was in my life.  I know that goodness is truth. 

Maybe I am being guided back to JUST concentrating on my own "manifesting" and intention.  That's all I can think.  I don't always know what my messages mean or what I am being shown.  I am trying to listen.  I feel like I am not supposed to be talking with anyone but instead going totally inner.  That is all I can get out of this.  My contact with my friends who are twin souls, or my spiritual friends, is also very limited right now.  Low contact.  Not for any reason, just quiet.  I guess this forces me to go inner and stay in this place of focus.  I don't always like it because it means I must keep his energy close to me and it gets frustrating since I miss him so much.

I don't dream of him often.  I read about how female twins are always dreaming so clearly of their twin souls.  I think this happens a lot to those who are actively trying to forget.  Higher Self inundates them with dreams as a reminder, that's my feeling.  Since I don't try to forget maybe I am not meant to get the dreams.  I've had a few dreams of him.  Any more than that might kill me- I think Higher Self knows I do have my mental and emotional limits.

I dreamed last night I was at a party holding a baby the whole night.  It was not my baby but I was holding this baby and it felt SO right.  I dream of having a child with my James; that life with him is my biggest dream, all I've ever really wanted.  Last August we were emailing and in the midst of all the "nonsense" he told me, "Do you really want a child with me?  I'd like that.  It's what I really want."  And I KNOW that was truth slipped in.  I KNOW it.  I know he actually does want a baby.  Ugh.  For a moment he thought he was going to be a dad when he was married years back, turned out not to be his child.  Then years later, and I only share this because I think it is really sad, an ex told him she was pregnant and he went the whole day thinking he was going to be a dad until later she said, "April Fooled you!"  He told me about both of those things when we dated, and we ended up talking about getting married and having a baby together.  He said he really wanted a baby with me.  I still have the texts from when he was boarding the plane for the first time.  He wants to marry me and get me pregnant and raise our child with all of our love, and he wants to be a good step daddy to my son.

I'm not sure if my dream last night was a reminder but I feel like all I can do right now is believe in a dream, and it can be a little frustrating.  I crave him.  I want more than a sign or a dream.  I want HIM back.  I ache to talk to him and see him and hold him again.  That frustration can let my ego flare up but I try and remind myself that no one is doing anything to me and I need to continue to work on my manifestation and intention.  Patience... I've been so patient.  But so has he.  He has been patient with me through all of my fear and doubt over him and his feelings for me, and sometimes worrying about his true nature {a loving nature that was so clearly shown to me!}  I do love him.  I feel like we are so meant to have that life together, just loving one another and having a family and being a point of light and love on earth, real strong lasting love.  Going through this and not running off, looking past the "words" and BELIEVING in God and love- that is not "normal" human love.  Normal human love is "What can you do for me?  I love you because you make me feel good, right this moment."  This is different.  This is loving for... I dunno.  Loving just because I can't help but love him because I know who he is for real, and he deserves to be loved by me due to what a good man he is.  He was good to me and my son.  He was good to my precious love bug child who means the world to me.  Not all men are as accepting as he is, and for those reasons and tons more I love him and always will.

But loving through adversity, silence, separation, etc. takes courage.  Holding on to a dream instead of running off to something safer take courage.  Facing heartache every day takes strength.  No one really knows the path I am walking, no one.  Not many realize the extent of  how deeply layered over this life I appear to live is another invisible reality just as viable and real as the one that can be seen.

I want my Awakening to get where it needs to be.  I want to be that butterfly.  I am ready for my bliss, my happy future with James.  I am SO ready!  And him?  He's always been ready.

Never feel like you can't love them fully.  It really is okay to do so.  There is no avoiding it; avoiding it only creates pain.  I truly believe loving them is what we are meant to do.  It's a love that defies all normal relationship patterns and templates but that's okay.  It's a love unique to soul.  When my twin and I reconnected and then parted again last year I was SO sure it was because I "loved him too much" and "felt too strongly" and was not "independent enough" and that I got too excited over hearing from him.  I was convinced, at first, that the reason why he had to pull away was to teach me a lesson in not being "co-dependent" because when we reconnect, OMG, I am like OVER THE FUCKING MOON ecstatic to be back in contact with my love!!!  Better than winning the lottery, better than... a life-long vacation to the tropic.  Better than Heaven.  When he drifted off again I got scared, like maybe I was "too" into him, and maybe he had to leave me to show me I should not LOVE that hard or get that close or need to be as connected to him as I get when he returns.

Bullshit.  I've since learned that is bullshit.  Wrong thinking.  He was reflecting my continued fears back to me.  I was still scared that he was only contacting me late, or not responding fast enough, or... I don't know.  The guy fucking wrote to me, "I love you too and I want you in my life forever.  I love you to infinity and back.  I want to sleep next to you every night forever."  WHAT THE FUCK MORE DID I NEED TO CONVINCE ME????  It was my fear that separated us, nothing more.

So don't be afraid to love.  Hard.  Don't be afraid to "desire" a future with them.  I do believe that desire and believing in their love is what will reunite twins in the end.

It is a very private quest I am on right now.  I am trying to listen.  Thanks for sticking it out with me.

ooxx Jenny {with his favorite caboose, lol}

~~**Is Sadness "Bad?"**~~

I need to hear James' voice soon.  It's been a year since we last talked.  Today is a year, exactly, since he told me that yes we still have a future together.  He reassured me that my son is not a "deal breaker."  He was letting me know he accepts and loves both of us, and I was too scared to embrace and trust his words.

It is now a year later and if you can possibly imagine what I am feeling... it is like swallowing fire and having it spread out throughout my throat, chest and belly, the heat expanding and growing stronger and stronger until it feels like it will consume me.  It's not a bad feeling but it aches.  It is fiery ache, and it is constant.  Only with sleep does it subside only to wash over me when my eyes open in the morning, usually with a song playing in my head, a song that reminds me of my James.

To hear his voice again would be heaven, and I know that one day I will talk to him again.  He is coming back to me.  For the time being though I am torn.  My sadness is vexing me.

I have a twin soul friend who tells me we have to be joyful all the time.  If we cannot stay in an energy of joy then to at least be "neutral."  Is sadness a bad thing?  Is sadness negative energy?  I don't know if I am explaining this correctly, or at all.  I miss my twin soul.  I feel we are meant to be back together, in each others lives again.  I do not feel that this is selfish because I love him no matter what.  Yet I still have my own private dreams, and he's always loved me so why not want him back with me, my future, right?

For me to NOT feel sadness then I will have to build walls.  And when I build my walls I get "hardended."  I push soft feelings, loving memories, away from me.  I have to shelter myself and my emotions so then it becomes much easier for me to believe in "bad" and forget "good."  Why?  Because remembering his GOODNESS hurts.  Knowing what I had that is no longer with me makes me ache because I miss the stuffings out of him!

We had a strong love relationship. We shared dreams of getting married and having a child together.  Of course I miss him, and I know he misses me.  And of course I am sad without him.  That is my point- and I am not making it well because I am very tired today.  Very tired.  Emotionally exhausted.  I am feeling my age here lately.  I notice I am looking older, and that is to be expected.  No matter how much I'd like to stay young forever I am going to be 42 soon and I can see the wrinkles and droops here and there and it's bugging me a bit.  My job is not fulfilling; it is a blessing and I need it but I do not like it even though I appreciate what it offers to my life.  My dream is to stay home, be married to James and have another baby and take care of my family, not be a working single mother who fights to stay "happy" despite emotional heartache and missing the love of my life every single minute I am awake.

Every. Single Moment. I miss him.  I am exhausted.

I'm tired.  Yet I love.  And I have faith.  I feel like we will be together.  I believe he is meant to be my future.  I believe he is my Destiny.  I believe James and I will be married one day- but the catch is the separation right now, now that I see things so clearly, is aching.  A lot, and I cannot deny that ache!

I CANNOT DENY THAT ACHE!  To do so would not be genuine to my feelings!  I cannot force "happy" all the time in the face of being separated from the love of my life!  That would be a LIE!

Truth is I believe fully in his love for me and I know he is an angel of a man.  A total angel.  All he is is love and affection.  As am I.  I am the same as he, a love angel.

But how can I not miss him?  How can it be asked of me to avoid the pain and sadness of separation?  Am I supposed to force a smile on my face and fake it, even on the inside?  I am not strong enough for that.  I can believe in love.  I know he is my Destiny; he told me himself, and he is Higher Self, God- and God only speaks the truth.  I know that was truth.  I know he is the Love I asked for, the love I desired, and he came to me as the physical embodiment of the love I created through my strong desire.  He is The One.  I will only hold on to him.

So even if I am a bit sad, lonely and I miss him, oh well.  I do not believe that just because I feel those emotions, because I am human, means I will ONLY get back the same.  It is not the same as fear.  My sadness is borne of love, only love.

I am going to try to shift the missing him to desiring him.  I really really love him.

A year ago tonight I last talked to my love.  I look forward to when I am able to hear his sweet voice again.  

Maybe It's Just Me...

But I heard the end of this song on XM radio when I got in my car this afternoon and I was floored because it seems to speak to me.  Like a myriad of songs seem to do these days.

Many people would tell me I am only hearing what I want to, finding meaning in EVERY lyric I hear whether it pertains to my situation or not but that is not the case here.  The songs I hear are downright X-Files SPOOKY-divine in how the point either to how I know he feels about me, or how I feel about him, or to my life and my "quest" in general.

I am no longer afraid that I was rejected or abandoned by James.  This has all been a divine situation, one I created due to my strong ability to manifest.  I believe he's out there holding on to truth which is he actually loves me very much but is contracted with me to show my what I create through my energy and beliefs {and unfortunately fear.}  He has been a "teacher" showing me the way.  Guiding me along.  And I really feel that he wants to be back with me like we were because we were the most beautiful couple EVER and he still reaffirms this to me.  We are perfect love together.

This song.  It is incredible how it speaks to my life right now.  I do feel the dots connecting.  I pray to everything in me and outside of me that I am finally "getting" this and shifting so this man is able to make his way back to me.  I do not, at all, feel this energy of "Please come back to me!" because that is screaming out to the universe that I am begging him to come back when this is not on HIM.  It is on ME.  I have to do what it takes to bring my love back to me.  I will not rest until I am reunited with my love.  Fear has disappeared.  All I feel now is love and an antsy "I really need to be with him" feeling.  We are SO meant to be together.  I know that is our Destiny, and I believe we will absolutely come together in love to have that future together, soon.

You wanna feel invincible, like you can take on the world?  Continue to believe in love and never give up on holding on to truth, no matter how dark it can get, while going through a twin soul separation.  I may miss him soooo much but I am stronger than I ever have been emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

This is my song for James.

"Invincible"

You know I was broke down, I had hit the ground
I was crying out, couldn't make no sound
No one hears silent tears collecting
You know I had lost hope, I was all alone
Never been so low 'til you came along
Teacher, I feel the dots connecting

Beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause I can take on so much more than I had ever dreamed
So beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
'Cause baby, I am ready to be free

Now I am invincible
No, I ain't a scared little girl no more
Yeah, I am invincible
What was I running for
I was hiding from the world
I was so afraid, I felt so unsure
Now I am invincible
And I'm a perfect storm

Now I am a warrior, a shooting star
You know I got this far, I had a broken heart
No one hears silent tears collecting
'Cause it's being weak that's strong
In the truth I found
I have courage now, I'm gonna shout it out
Teacher, I feel the dots connecting

Beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
'Cause I can take on so much more than I had ever dreamed
So beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
'Cause baby, I am ready to be free

Now I am invincible
No, I ain't a scared little girl no more
Yeah, I am invincible
What was I running for
I was hiding from the world
I was so afraid, I felt so unsure
Now I am invincible
And I'm a perfect storm

I was running from an empty threat
Of emptiness
I was running from an empty threat
That didn't exist
I was running from an empty threat
Of abandonment
I was running from an empty threat
That didn't exist

But now I am invincible
No, I ain't a scared little girl no more
Yeah, I am invincible
What was I running for
I was hiding from the world
I was so afraid, I felt so unsure
Now I am invincible
And I'm a perfect storm

Now I am invincible
No, I ain't a scared little girl no more
Yeah, I am invincible
What was I running for
I was hiding from the world
I was so afraid, I felt so unsure
Now I am invincible
And I'm a perfect storm

Increased Clarity

I feel truth more and more each day concerning James.  I was scared before.  For all my blogging, my talking, my helping those who email me... I was still scared.  It can be difficult NOT to feel fear when one experiences something like I have.  But I can see now how my energy has lead all of this.  But even more important than that I can see along the way just how much he has loved me, and I am sure still does.

I have this ache in my chest but it is only because he is not physically here with me and I miss his presence like you cannot believe!  I miss my sweet little scientist boyfriend more than I can find words to express.  He means the world to me.  He is truly the nicest dearest man ever.  He is the man I am raising my child to be like.  I am allowing loving memories to come forward and I can't help but recall one of the last times we talked on the phone.  I think it was the second to last time back a year ago.  Exactly a year ago.  *sniff*  I was still scared while on the phone talking to him and I had this thought of, "I'd better hang up soon."  I was feeling anxious like maybe he was getting tired of me; we'd been on the phone for a while.  So I said something to him like, "Well I guess I'll let you go now," and quite forcefully which is not his nature he told me no, I was not going to hang up.  His voice was almost commanding and it surprised me.  The he totally softened and, lol, kind of in this gentle sexy voice said, "Touch yourself."  And he proceeded to say very personal loving things to me until I did it for myself.  And it was this totally loving and healing energy, like he wished he could be there to kiss me and hug me and taste me for hours.  I could feel that longing in him, like he wished so much to be with me right then.

Those are memories that are hard for me to accept or bring to mind.  A week later I had my huge inner ego-fit and I have not heard his voice since that moment.  The last thing he told me on the phone was that he loves me and yes we have a future together, and no my son was not a deal breaker.  He told me he thought my son was very sweet, and he assured me that yes our truth of a future together was still very much alive.

But I could not get past my fear.  And I cannot regret.  Oh how I wish I could have just held on, moved forward, believed.  But I didn't.

And I miss my love.  I miss him so much.

But I don't feel that pain of being rejected or left behind.  I no longer believe anything other than he loves me and this is a "quest" I am on, and Higher Self knows my inner.  I can SAY or WRITE anything I want to but it all boils down to what I actually believe.  And now I have a strong inner knowing that James loves me.  He always has, and I do believe he wants to come back to me.  It's been me all along blocking his ability to come back to me.  Blocked through my fear-energy.

I can go back through my journals and pick out what energy has kept him away.  Right now the ache comes from missing my love.  I can't help that.  I can heal from feeling all the negative fear-based emotions but I can't strip myself of aching for his presence back in my life.  We are meant to be one.  We are meant to be Skyping and talking and sharing videos and links again.  We are meant to be back to the moment when we could not wait to talk to one another, see each other or receive each others messages and videos.  We are supposed to be dating from afar while he is gone, until we are together again.  THAT is truth.  That is what we shared and it was truth.  That feeling like we could not get enough of each other, it never ended.  I know he's out there dying to reach me again.  I just know it.

He is so cuddly and loveable.  But sometimes I forget just how cuddly and loveable I am too.  If I was him and I fell in love with someone like me- I'd be sad to be forced away too.  Honestly.  I'm highly loving, nurturing, caring, passionate and I have a good mind.  I know the truth.  I know he meant it when he said he wanted to marry me, have me as his wife, be my son's step-dad and God-willing create a child together and "raise it with all of our love."  I know he still feels the same exact way now, nothing changed.

There were two wolves.  One was the wolf of fear, pain, doubt, worry and disbelief.  The other wolf was the wolf of love, truth, belief, trust, and faith.  Both are hungry hungry hungry.  Which one should I feed?

Which one would you feed?

I am feeding the wolf of love.  The wolf of truth.

I know our truth.  It is love, always.  I will see my love's face again soon.  I know it.  I WILL make this happen, our reunion.  And yes- we are all pieces of God so when people talk about "in God's time" what they really mean is in OUR time because we are the divine and WE create our own realities.  In reality there is no "sitting around waiting for God to make it happen."  WE make it happen through our fervent prayers, our meditation, our "conjuring" and ritual.  We make it happen in writing TRUTH in a journal.  Ritual.  Spells.  Anywhere we focus our energy is what we create because WE are "The Divine."  And we cannot forget that.

Again, feed that wolf of love.  I am.  I want to see my love again, so I am only going to feed the wolf of LOVE.

When There Are No Words to Explain It...

This is how I feel right now.  Someone emailed me the other day and thanked me for sharing my "raw emotion" on my blog.  And yes, it is raw emotion.  I feel like my heart has been gutted with a knife,  Luckily both my appetite and my sleep habits are good.  I sleep hard and strong, restorative sleep.  My heart and mind both realize that James loves me and that helps me sleep easy at night.  I don't have fears about my life, and that helps me sleep easy at night.  My life is fairly simple.  I keep it simple because I do not like complexity and chaos.  I don't like tons of "stuff."  TV and technology, media, is kept to the bare minimum in my home.  We do not have cable.  My son only watches his little kid DVDs and some Netflix kid's shows, ones I approve of.  I dislike most of what is on TV so we stay unplugged, and I don't even use the 'Net that much.  I pop on FB on a limited basis and I don't use Snapchat, Instagram, Skype and I don't even text or email much.  I like a very hermit-like lifestyle where my son is my primary focus,..

And my twin soul.  I write a LOT.  Reuniting is a priority to me, my biggest one besides having a happy child.  I want my son to have a wonderful childhood and I treat him how I wish I had been treated.  Because I adore him.

All that said, I miss James.  I miss him so much.  And know that I had this amazingly beautiful wonderful love in my life and I manifested it away with my doubts and fears, sometimes that can be hard to handle.  I mean I know I needed to learn lessons and see life a different way and the space was necessary but not having him in my life right now hurts.  I hurt.  I think of him constantly.

My son has a good daddy but James would be the perfect step-father.  I can see in my mind's eye him standing there showing my son, so lovingly and patiently, how to golf.  How sweet he was with my child is forever ingrained in my mind as the TRUTH of the matter.

TRUTH.  Truth is he's perfect!  And he is not here!  And it is KILLING me inside.  Every single inch of me aches to have him here with me, with us.  I cannot find the words to express just how much I love him, and just how badly I wish he was back with us.  I know he is my future, and I want that future to begin now.

He told me he wanted to propose to me.  That is one of my dreams come true.  I have never wanted anything more in my entire life than for that man to say, "Will you marry me?"  I've never had a bigger dream than holding his hands, looking him in the eyes and exchanging simple meaningful vows together.  I will thank him for helping me, and I will tell him how much I appreciate the love he has for me.  I will tell him that the love I feel for him will last has always been there and is never-ending, and that we will have an amazing life together here on earth and then also in the great beyond once our human bodies are ready to be retired.

I KNOW we will be married.  He TOLD me.  He said he wants to marry me.  That is my truth, and I want my truth back.

I guess what I am trying to say is that saying, "You don't know what you got until it is gone," is kind of true.  I did not realize then just how wonderful he is. I mean I knew it but I was scared to believe it. I did not think "men" like him existed, my One and Only.  I thought that was the stuff of movies and romance novels but yes, my Prince walked into my life.  And I need him back.

I have no qualms in using the word "need."  I am independent, holy fuck do I know how to take care of myself and I love myself,  Yet still I NEED my divine counterpart back in my life,  My very soul cries out for him.  I know his goodness like I know the sun will rise in the morning, and I know, even thought it seems unreal, that the energy the fuels him, his heart and soul and his mind, it all has nothing but a total unconditional love for me.  I can do, look, say... anything and he will always love me.  What a refreshing FREEING knowledge.  I don't ever have to worry about him judging me because in his eyes I am perfect.  I know this.

And I need that love back here with me.  I do trust his love.  I can look back now and see it, just how hard he nearly begged me to accept his love.

Oh my dear twin soul, my love, my friend, my lover, my counterpart.  I just love you.  And I miss you.  And I pray for the day when I am finally able to gaze into your beautiful joyful safe blue eyes again.  To feel your arms wrapped around me will be heaven on earth.  And I know it will happen.  I will make sure of it because I know you are out there waiting to come back to me.  And I do want you here, and I trust your love.

I appreciate everything about you, my love.

The Importance of Belief & Destiny

For those of you who know me or who have read a lot of my blog you know that I've always felt that these unions are "orchestrated by Spirit."  Well I still believe that but in a different way.  WE are actually the ones in control through our emotions, thoughts and intentions.  Spirit only "creates" what we ask it to.  Always keep in mind these are my opinions only, based on my own experiences.  For me it's like whatever I think, feel, believe, say, write, etc. my Higher Self makes happen.  Not to be mean or anything but because that is the Law of Cause And Effect.  It is "You reap what you sow."  If I were to plant a fear bean then I am going to cultivate fear but if I plant a love bean then I am going to get love in the end.  It makes sense.

So this is what I realize, and I want to try and make this as short and simple as possible.  Last year my guidance would tell me things and I would write it all down but I did not entirely understand it.  Now that I go back and re-read it I can better understand it.  I cannot explain to you how these things happen between twin souls.  I think those people who are in twin soul unions are "special" on the inside and different than other people.  I do not mean BETTER just different.  We have to be.  Our twin souls have to be different.  Last night I was thinking of this, how is this happening?  How is he so KNOWING?  It's as if he knows about all this, like he knows my thoughts and he knows what's happening between us.  And this song started playing that I've never heard before. It is called "I'm Your Angel."  And I thought- you know what?  Maybe he really is my angel, for real.  He's not just some "normal" unenlightened human being.  Not at all.

That said, my guidance used to talk to me about my DESTINY.  One of the first things my love ever said to me was that he "held out for his destiny to be born before him" because I was born hours before he was.  Soon after we began dating he started speaking my very dreams.  I fell in love with him and he started talking about getting married and sharing a future together, and it was EVERYTHING I ever dreamed about.  A wonderful man in my life.  A dear man to be full-time in my son's life.  A sweet gentle man who understood me and appreciated me.  James is my every wish come true.  My dreams walking around in the form of a man, here on earth.  And it scared the shit out of me.  I just knew he'd get tired of me.  The novelty of me would wear off.  I was so afraid he'd still want to move to California and I would not be able to go with him, and that he'd not choose me.  I was afraid he'd stop loving me, or not love me enough EVEN THOUGH he was *constantly* telling me how much he loved me,.. and he'd stress "I sure hope you accept my love.  I REALLY love you!" He'd say he wanted to lay next to me every night forever and make love to me every night.  He'd say "When you are my wife I'll want to make love to you every night, is that okay?"  Oh. My. God. he's the epitome of my dreams come true.

But I used to ask him, "What if?  What if you stop loving me?"  I once said in response to him oozing his love all over the page for me in an email that yeah that was all find and good but what happens one day when he changes his mind and says... well the words I wrote out to him in that email, months later he repeated them to me almost verbatim.  Fear sucks.

I refused to totally believe in his love for me.  And it all fell apart before my very eyes, for no good 3D reason.  The separation began and suddenly it was like he no longer wanted to choose me. Like he changed his mind although he never came right out and said it.

And my guidance would tell me these things that I did not understand!  They would tell me to "defend my dreams" by BELIEVING in my "gentle gem" and his love for me.  They told me I was KILLING MY DESTINY by not paying attention to the love and goodness.  Instead I paid more attention to the mirroring and my fears than I did to the love he had always showed me.  I began to feel like that love was not truth, and that is a bad BAD thing when it comes to a twin soul union.  If you do not believe in the love then I don't think you will ever reunite.  We MUST believe in the love.

So what would happen is when I did not believe in him or his love for me I would actually PUSH my destiny farther from me.  I'd keep it away from me, and this was clearly shown to me through my twin soul.  The more I would feel like he was mean, or ignoring me, or being cold and harsh and Id wonder WHY WHY WHY- the more he'd show me "I'm not choosing a future with you."

And why would he do that?  Because they truly are our fucking MIRRORS, okay?  So for those of you who truly want to reunite, let go of all the 3D bullshit and quit reading most of the shit on the 'Net about twin souls.  That the runners run due to being full of their own fears and inability to commit is just not true.  They are showing us our fears about love.  When we do not believe then they are forced farther from us.  They will show us "I am not choosing you" and it's all FAKE.  An illusion.

Belief.  My guidance told me the way to defend my dreams is in believing in the love he has for me. Very clearly one valuable piece of information my guidance once gave me is this: "Gel nonsense not.  Only coming together if paying attention to kisses, not nonsense."  Allow me to translate for you.  The "nonsense" is the mirroring.  When I get weirdness from him it is "nonsense" and the opposite of truth which is love.  When I do not defend the truth, LOVE, then I get the opposite which is the "nonsense."  So my guidance means that I am not supposed to put any attention towards the nonsense or believe it at all.  I must pay attention to the LOVE he showed me.  Those kisses we shared were truth.  Only when I put more attention towards the love and I forget the nonsense, that is when he can come back to me.  Only then.  Because it IS manifestation, and where ever we place our energy and attention is what comes back to us.  I am defending my destiny when I concentrate on the love and kisses and truth which is that he loves me and wants a future with me.

If I believe doubt and fear then I am NOT defending his love for me and I push my Destiny {my happy future with him} farther from me and I am actively shown this through him.  It's like he's forced to move in the opposite direction and tell me about it so I can see it.

I am only writing this out to share with those who want to hear it.  Most twin souls out there are still hung up on "He's treating me like crap, just ignores me and is an idiot," and they cannot be shown until they are ready to hear, and it can take a long time.  It's taken me a long time to finally REALLY begin to see and believe the truth, and the truth is my fear and doubt pushed my love from me.  It's like God reached out to hand me James and said, "Here is my gift to you, this sweet wonderful man who loves you fully," and as bad as I wanted it and loved him, it is like I am the one who turned and walked away in disbelief.  Like I was turning away from believing in my Destiny.  And not many can see that or accept it.

I love this man,  He is a good man and I know he loves me. As I was thinking about all of this this morning a song began playing.  "Never My Love."

"You ask me if there'll come a time
When I grow tired of you
Never my love
Never my love

You wonder if this heart of mine
Will lose its desire for you
Never my love
Never my love

What makes you think love will end
When you know that my whole life depends
On you (on you)

Never my love
Never my love

You say you fear I'll change my mind
And I won't require you
Never my love
Never my love

How can you think love will end
When I've asked you to spend your whole life 
With me" 

He did ask me.  My James.  He asked me to spend my whole life with him.

Believe.

When You Miss Someone...

A day feels like forever.
Every love song speaks to your heart.
The littlest things act as reminders, "Oh we ate strawberries together" lends itself to crying in the produce section when grocery shopping.
Sleeping alone feels like Hell.
A foot long subway gets eaten by one person instead of shared like it's meant to be.
Ten pounds either comes off or goes on way too quickly.
Looking pretty loses its importance.
An empty text screen or email inbox is torture.
Getting out of bed and brushing your teeth feels like an unimaginable achievement.
Staying home, drinking wine or tea, eating lots of pizza and chocolate and binge-watching "Bridget Jones' Diary" over and over is a standard past time.
Memories becomes a life line.
Your inner becomes tempered with time, softened and pliable.  It's like the missing forces surrender, surrender to a more peaceful and calm way of life, one that most "normal" people just can't understand.

I have to be careful with this ache I feel for Joron.  At times it's so overwhelming, knowing what I had that I manifested away from myself, that I throw up my walls, get all High and Mighty inside, and block my emotions on the inner.  It's like a constant teeter-totter of wanting to avoid "feeling" his goodness because being reminded of his goodness can, well, hurt sometimes.  Sometimes the TRUTH hurts, especially when that truth is physically 2100 miles away.  

In missing him like I do sometimes I look forward to going to sleep because only while sleeping do I not actively miss him.  Only then, while in a state of peaceful slumber, does my aching insides catch a reprieve, a respite from the beacon inside my heart that emanates a constant call of "I love you.  I miss you.  I need you... I love you.  I miss you.  I need you."

Some twin soul teachings say we are not meant to miss them but that would mean God is cruel, and God is not cruel.  We are all human, and we miss the people we love when they are no longer with us.  It's natural and for me it is almost necessary because if I do not "miss" him then I can become a runner.  But when I miss him, it's called empathy and love, just the way it is because I remember the real him.  My dear friend, a very strong spiritualist, tells me the missing, aching, longing and undeniable pull I have towards him is my soul's way of ensuring that I cannot walk away, cannot try to forget him, cannot run away from my mission.  I believe her.  I feel like my very soul is in love with my James.  

I know there are some who must force it away, and I understand.  I am blessed to be single and alone, as alone as one person can be with three children, three cats and another grown woman living with her, lol.  I am physically "single" though so if I want to spend my free time living in a fantasy world where my twin soul and I are happily married and making tons of monkey love every night.  And every morning... and that quick nooner, well I can.  I have the freedom to do so.  I can write in my journal every night and pretend he feels me, like I'm living in some cool romantic sci-fi novel where the heroine must hold on to bring back the love of her life... all while crying into my popcorn.

I miss him.  But one thing I noticed as I look back through all of my private writings is all along the way I sent out this energy of, "Please come back to me."  Like he is choosing to be silent, choosing to stay away from me.  And this would be he is also choosing to do things like taunt me or terrorize me.  None of that is good energy.  In this union between he and I there is not need for "Please come back to me."  That energy will only keep him farther away from me because, again, it is me insinuating that he is purposefully keeping his distance, and when I think that- it is reflected back to me.  Instead I am working to change my energy to "I hope I can bring you back to me soon."  Like that song, "Goodbye Girl."  He sings, "The things you do my Goodbye Girl will bring me back to you."  It's more of a passive role on his part.  Not active.  He is not actively remaining distant.  I have to make sure my intention, my words and my belief highlight this fact. 

I have to find the balance in missing him but not blaming him at all, or passively feeling like he is being kept from me, or that he is staying away from me.  I have to OWN that it is my energy blocking him from coming back to me, and this is what I am working on most right now.

What a journey, this quest to believe in love.

I miss you my sweetheart...