Back to Reality

I have to make sure I am keeping my focus where it needs to be in order for me to manifest my happiness.

I sometimes ask myself- it is strange that I spend so much time and energy and focus on this ONE thing?  James, a life with him?  But here is the thing- I already have pretty much everything else I want in life.  I have a nice home, a good solid career, a steady income that affords me the stuff I want in life.  Would I like more money or a newer home or more vacations or "nicer things?"  Well sure, wouldn't we all?  But NONE of those things will bring me extra happiness!  You wanna know why?  Because for me happiness=love.  I want LOVE, strong romantic love, in my life.  Stuff does not make me happy.  More money won't make me happy.  Taking trips alone are not necessarily going to make me happy.

COMPANIONSHIP and love makes me happy.  Having an awesome man in my life to come home to at night is what makes me happy.  Only cuddling up with my teddy bear at night makes me sad.  I love having my son to snuggle with but it is not the same.  I want a strong man in my life.  That is really all I want besides what I already have in my life.  I have really great family and ever better friends!  I have people who love me.  But I want my loving MAN.  My companion.  My "other half."

Because of that fact- this is why I am so focused on this one thing, and this one thing only.  Man I can mow my own grass or make my own money or somehow come up with money when I need it.  I don't really spend a lot of money so we normally have money to do what we want.  God has provided for me, always.  So I don't need to "manifest" more money or a better job or nicer home.  I like what I have now.  I am thankful and content with what I have now.  My home might be old and needs some work {I could manifest some home repairs maybe, lol} but I love my home.  I really do.  It is a good warm comfortable big safe house and I am thankful for it.  So I guess that is why I am not really interested in manifesting anything else.  I have what I want... except for one major thing.

I want my husband.  A real family with a man and woman as the foundation.  I really have my heart set on being a mother again... and the older I get the more nervous I am that... time is passing me by.  And I don't like that.  I really am a good woman, a great person, and I wish all of my dreams could just come true with the blink of an eye.  I wish I had this manifestation stuff down so all my dreams could come back to me.  I had them, once.  He was here with me, everything I ever asked for.  He literally spoke every single dream I have to me.  My husband, my son's step daddy, a child together.  I can't forget that, no matter what has happened I absolutely can't forget those things with him.  I want them so much.  I want him so much.

I want him back.  James is my dream come true and I know that the only way I have any chance of having him back in my life is if I focus right.  Focus only on truth and love, and that's a challenge right now.  And I don't have any "proof."  I only have faith and my heart's longings.  And my heart longs for him.  Dearly.  Honestly there are times I wish my heart did not want him quite as much as it does but I don't seem to have any control over it.  I think of us sitting at the bar not long ago and my knee kept hitting his and I wanted to melt into him- and I remember how that felt.  Like I could barely breathe every time I looked into his eyes.  I want him so much.  I love him so much- I can't stop loving him.  I have no desire to spend time with any other man.  I just want James.  I can't help it.  Kissing him feels too right.  Like I am meant for him.

Which means, to me, that I have to stop talking about anything that has happened over this last year and just try to focus forward.  Focus on my dreams.  Focus on how absolutely wonderful it felt to kiss him recently, and remember how perfect he was when he was in my life, my boyfriend.  It is the only thing that could possibly bring him back to me.  I firmly believe in the manifestation energy right now so I gotta try my best.  Love only.  And God knows I do love him.

I told myself, or God, or James- whoever it is I talk to a large part of my day- that whatever has happened recently matters nothing to me, besides when he was here and in my arms.  THAT matters a lot to me.  Kissing him and touching him and making love with him means everything to me.  ALL that matters to me is that he can be in my life again like he was before, happy, loving, kind, gentle, friendly, open... my sweetheart.  That is what is important to me.

Still, as always, I pray for a shift in this.  I ache to talk to my loving friend again.  I love James and miss him so very much.  I pray for my miracle.

Jennifer