Thinking

I have a lot of good memories of times with James, even after this separation happened.  They are kind of bittersweet though.  We reconnected some months after this began.  I look back and know it definitely was based on my energy but I still don't know exactly how it came about.  It was only six months later though.  I knew deep inside that I had to change something because I would fall into tons of fear inside.  And fear in me often turns into a sort of anger.  It is a scared anger.  I'd done that quite a bit, and as I look back I can see where I was being shown to NOT do it because my energy is strong.  What happened was me and James were "talking" a bit again.  We'd end up on the phone here and there, and the occasional email exchange.  My guidance was trying so hard with me to give up my fear.  I had a terrible week of falling into fear over and over again.  And a friend of mine was vacationing near where James said he would be living.  She reached out to me twice via Facebook and told me she could "feel" me.  She said something was wrong and she could totally feel my fearful energy.  She knew something was wrong.  And my guidance told me- if she can feel you then how do you think all of this coming from you feels to your twin?

At the end of a week of fear I got a message from him that was very "off."  It did not match the energy that had come from him just the week before so I took stock of myself and told myself something needed to change.  So I tried for a few weeks to be as calm as I could.  I would not let myself fall into fear.  I thought of him with love.  I bought a new notebook and started writing about my experience as if I would share it in a book, a book about how God tries to heal us through our soul mates.  It felt good to write it, and it was from a perspective of love.  I wrote about how I knew my parents were hurts souls too, and that is why they hurt us.  They did not know any better.  They did not know how to be parents.  If I would have had my son at the age my mother had me I would have been abusive to him too.  I would not have been healed enough to raise him with only love.  She had me when she was about 22-23 and she did not know how to love me the right way.  And my father had tons of issues too.  He had a horrid painful traumatic relationship with his own alcoholic abusive father, and to top it all off my dad spent a two year-long stint in Vietnam that I am surprised did not kill him.  It makes me feel very bad for my poor dad because of the horror he witnessed while in our military.  He was just a kid, barely 18.  And he saw his friends get blown up around him while he survived.  And there was a lot of fear, never knowing when he might die.  But then there is the irony of true love.  My mom and dad met in high school and my mom was the only girl in her high school class to have an engagement ring on her finger.  My dad is older than her so she was still in high school when he went to Vietnam.  Can you imagine?  And recently she told me that they knew if my dad's monthly checks from the military were sent to his childhood home that his father would cash them and spend them, probably on booze or one of the other kids in the family.  So my dad had the checks sent to my mother who was so young, either in high school or fresh out of high school.  She put them in a savings account every month for him, and that is the money they used to put a down payment on my childhood home, the home where they still live in Indiana.  A good home.  Lots has happened in that home.

My parents have been through Hell together.  My word.  You have no idea!  We went through Hell with them but all is well now.  My family is pretty close, and my parents are still very much in love which is cute to see.  After all they have been through together they made it through and love each other more for it, and that is a huge blessing that many people cannot own.  So as I look back I can see why things happened as they did.  My mom had an abusive childhood too with an alcoholic father who wanted her to be a son so she was humiliated often.  There was no soft gentle love there for her so she did not know how to have that love for me either.  I am her first child.  My mother had a really really terrible temper when I was growing up.  She could be scarily angry, and she was very volatile and violent.  And yes sometimes, once in a while, I can feel that in me.  Not as much now but it has been there and I am sure it is a strong intense energy.  Not a good energy.  But I realize why things happen as they do.  I was the first child so I experienced what it feels like to be raised by people who are not at all healed.  Even if they mean well.  Even if they have good hearts, which they do.  They always have.  They both had a lot of wounds which allowed them to abuse us.  I went through a lot of pain and fear as a child, and I pray every day now that all of that can be over now.  I really would love to live a fearless life now, a happy life.  One where I can just be treated with kindness and no hard mirroring, and no silence either.  Where I can actively have love in my life.  This has been a long journey for me.

But.  Rewind back to where I had started writing about all this.  I was writing about how God helps to heal us through soul mates and I knew that is what James is for me, a soul mate, twin soul, strong soul connection, a "divine instrument of God's healing," in order to help heal me of some lingering "stuff" inside of me.  I knew that.  I was feeling compassion and grace.  I felt love for him even though I missed him and was still scared.  And I decided to reach out to him after a few weeks and he responded and he sounded way more like the James I knew.  Sweet kind James.  Goof ball James.  Friendly friendly James.  It is incredible to me how different the energy is when it is my fear and anger being projected back at me instead of only love.  Of course it is scary.  Why wouldn't it be?  I think at times my energy can be scary.  But maybe at this time it wasn't as scary and he was able to be love again.  And I could tell.

So we reconnected for a few weeks and it felt like Heaven again.  We talked on the phone for hours!  One night we talked all night long until I had to wake to go to work.  He asked to see me and I sent a photo and he said, "Look at you- you are beautiful even first thing in the morning," and I told him it was because I had not been to sleep!  We talked for like five hours that night and he text me, "We must totally love each other.  That was a five hour long phone call."  And his sweet little texts.  We'd talk for a while and then after hanging up he never wanted to say goodnight.  He'd text me and say the most outrageously sweet things!  And I could feel how much he loved me.  It was glaringly obvious that he was absolutely longing for me and missed me and wished to get home to me.  He told me he was coming back soon and he needed to see me.  He told me how lucky he was that he would be coming home soon to see "His love."  And he told me he loved me to infinity times eternity and that he wanted me to be his forever, "I want you to be mine forever."  He told me he wanted to say good night to me in person every night and kiss me good morning every morning and make love every night.  He called me his future again.  He wrote me and email and said, "I love you.  I miss you.  I want you to be my future."

Oh... my heart!  Do you have any idea what that does to my heart?  I ask myself- how in the world did I allow it to get here?  How?  What could I have done different?  Why did I not listen to my guidance?  Was I stubborn?  Or just afraid?  Of course I was afraid.  Why would I ever want to ruin my good thing or throw away my gift?  I never wanted that.  Of course.

But I just could not grasp it.  I was still scared!  I still had this worry, and of course knowing no better I'd write out my worries.  And then came "the moment" where my energy really just went and blew it.  I remember perfectly.  We'd been talking again for a few weeks and he called me his girlfriend again, out of the blue.  On his own.  No discussion about it {and that makes me want to just cry right now- I wish I'd held on better, more tightly, believed more!} and I was, of course, over the moon to think of myself as "his" again.  But one night he'd emailed me.  I checked my mail and it was an innocent enough message.  He was supposed to send me something, a video of himself.  I'd already sent him a few of me.  He wrote to me and told me he'd made the video but it would not attach and he'd try again later.  Well... I wrote back sweetly.  Told him no big deal.  But on the inside I yelled out to the universe that he was lying.  That he did not care enough to make me a video.  That I was not a priority to him, and he was blowing me off.

BIG MISTAKE.  Big big mistake.  He immediately "changed" and went quiet.  It was horrid but I KNEW- I knew I did it!  I just knew I did it with that energy I screamed out.  I literally "felt" it shift.  I knew it was not him messing with me.  I felt that he actually DID want to come back to me and now was fucked himself because he had to stay away, and believe me I could tell 110% that the guy was aching to be back with me.  It was mutual.  He was longing for me.  And my fearful hurt scared angry energy pushed him away, again.

And it has been that way over and over again.  I just don't even know at this point what to do besides be very aware of this energetic pattern of mine and STOP it.  Because this is how I feel: I want it to be him.  MY GOD I want a future with James so badly I can barely stand myself.  I am antsy and unfulfilled.  I am lonely for him.  My body aches for him.  My heart yearns for him.  I want HIM.  I really do.  But then there is a tiny thought of- I really don't know exactly how the divine works.  He is amazing and if God asked me who I wanted forever I'd say James so fast I'd choke on my own tongue.  But... if he was meant to show this to me so I could see it, and if he is meant for another life than one with me, then I need to know.  I need to get my energy in order, cleansed and purged, so whatever happiness lies ahead for me can come to me now because I am dying to be happy. I am dying inside- I want happy love in my life now.  I want to be ready for it, and of course I want it to be James.  But no matter what my happy future looks like- I am only going to get there when I can stop throwing out all of that scary energy.  I have watched myself "slay" this connection over and over again, and I can't do it anymore.  It might kill me if it continues to happen.  I am strong but I am only so strong.  I really long for only my love mirror now, love shown back to me, nothing less.  And I know only I can do that.  Only I can make that happen by keeping my insides totally tempered.  So I am trying to be super duper aware.

Sadly I remember when I finally reconnected with him after that moment I explained above.  It was weeks later.  The date he was supposed to be here came and went, and I was a wreck.  I stopped eating and lost another ten pounds.  LOL- in my grief I was at my most physically beautiful.  Go figure.  Thin because I was scared and could not eat.  I am naturally "pretty" and when I am really thin I do feel my most pretty but it is a state of being that I can never maintain, so I just don't worry about it any longer.  I am more interested right now in being pretty on the inside than I am being beautiful on the outside.

I started the blog at that time.  I began writing in earnest about what I felt was happening to me and then one day I reached out to him and he responded.  And it was still "off" but one night I was fighting my fears and I pounded out a blog post about how I truly did believe in all of this, and I loved him, and I knew he was my divine counterpart no matter how scary it seemed, and he contacted me immediately afterwards and we talked on the phone.  This breaks my heart to remember.  It just breaks my heart.  His voice.  His sweet dear James gently adorable tender voice.  He sighed very deeply and said, "I miss you Jennifer.  I really miss you."  And my GOD yes I could hear it in his voice how much he missed me.  How he did not want to be doing this.  How he wished he could be with me.  He missed me.  Just like the time he sighed and told me he needed me, needed me in his life.  All along I've known, in my heart, that reality is he has wanted me in his life.  I am the one who has kept him away.  And a large part of me keeping him away has been due to this fearful anger stuff I throw out to the universe either through writing in my journal, ranting to a friend or thinking nasty thoughts in my head.  I've even ranted here on this blog but I normally delete it because I know it does not belong here.  This blog is not meant for me to rant and rave.  I've always wanted to explain my journey as truth here, a very powerful divine process between two souls who love each other a ton.

So we reconnected again, and I screwed that up too.  Big surprise, right?  Fear.  It's all been fear in one way or another.  And it sucks.  And it is exhausting.  And it has kept a man who has been very much in love with me away from me.  And it's been this process of constantly trying to regroup, regain what I've lost but the last year has been very challenging.  And as of right this moment- I am back in the dark again.  The oblivion of the unknown, and I don't like this place.  I guess my "worry" is that I have kept James in the dark for so long... that how can I know I did not push him away entirely?  How can I expect him to wait for me forever?  THAT, right there, is my worry.  Not that he has not loved me.  Not that he does not care now.  I know he cares for me.  I know he'd never ever want to hurt me.  But... did I take too long?  I dunno.  Being in this unknown is such a dark place for me.  All I can do is tell God that YES I will be very aware of my scary angry energy.  I will do my best to be only peaceful and gentle inside.

A very long time ago I read some channeled guidance from Jenna Forrest.  Her guidance said if you are ever to write anything to your twin soul or about your twin soul or about this journey to make sure every single words is the most gentle, ever.  Super soft, undeniably loving and gentle.  I have not always done that.  I have definitely not always been gentle in my energy and that has been shown back to me many times.  And I do have to change that now. I'd like to think I am a fairly "nice" friendly good person, and for that reason my insides, all of me, should match how I'd like to think of myself.  I spend the majority of my life presenting myself, naturally, as a good friendly caring soul. I don't have to try.  I am just naturally a nice person.  But now is the time to make sure ALL of my energy matches who I am at my core.  I know this.

I do love James.  So much.  I just miss, dearly miss, the loving man I've shared so many beautiful moments with over these last nearly three years now.  The man who asked to hold my hand on our first date and walked, so lovingly, hand in hand with me to the park so we could swing under the stars while discussing the universe.  The man who told me on our second date, walking hand in hand together under the stars again, the he did not mean to scare me off or be pushy but he loved being in love and he was very ready to be in love again.  He said he loves being in a strong committed relationship and he loves having his someone special to share life with.  He is a marrying kind of man.  I know this.  I know James is a good man, a dear sweet devoted man.  I guess after all of this all I really can say is I HOPE my energy did not push this too far.  I hope he is still out there wanting me and loving me and hoping I can shift this so we can be together.  When he was here he showed me love.  I felt like he had wanted to share that moment with me for a very long time.  And I do hope to see him again.  I'd like to be with him forever.  But right now all I have really is my hope, and the knowledge that the man was just in my arms under a month ago and that's got to mean something.

I miss him.  I miss him with everything inside of me.  I'd love nothing more to have that amazing, beautiful, loving, caring, gentle, sweet and adorable man as my husband to have and hold every single day for the rest of my life.  There is nothing I want more.  He is irreplaceable to me so here I am, still working at it.  I mean I know I have to clear myself out, yes.  But I don't want to just clear myself out for me.  I want to be aware and as mature as possible, and I hope he can come back to me.  I really do.  I've never hoped and wished and prayed for anything more in my life.

I hope wherever my sweet friend is he is doing well.  I wish things were different between us right now, like they were when he could show me only love.  I pray it can change soon, for the better.  I ache to gently touch his face and stroke his hair and kiss his sweet lips.  I wish that so so much.  He is all I want.


Jennifer