Dreams

Anyone reading this blog probably thinks I've lost my mind. 

I keep writing about recent events and then it just does not feel right so I delete it.  I think it does not feel right because it doesn't need to be explained.  It hurts and I don't want to focus on it.  I'm hoping it served its purpose of making me more aware of energy I need to change.  But I know I am not supposed to really pay attention to what hurts because it isn't actually real.  So I am trying.

But I am begging God for mercy right now.  I am begging God to have mercy on my aching heart because I am struggling.  I miss James and I remember that man.  I remember him!  He was just here, and he was gentle and kind to me.  I believe it was still a step in a process and not necessarily a full resolution but I felt the man I know.  Gentle, kind, loving, caring.  He held me.  He put his hand on my head and left it there for a moment, like he so badly wanted to comfort me.  I feel like he did try to comfort me as much as he could within the limits of still being my mirror, my twin soul.  But he showed me love. I know that was love.  He pulled me to his chest and held me.  He kissed me and it was a deep intense kiss.  He spoke to me gently.  He made love to me and it was genuine lovemaking.  I refuse to think anything less.  I KNOW James.  James would only have responded to me and offered to see me, and then kissed me and made love to me, if he loves me.  Because he knows how much I adore him.  He knows how much hope I have, and he would never ever want to hurt me.  I could feel in him that he's missed me.  I could tell.  I felt it.

Mirroring is hard.  I would love for this to change back to truth, and I know there is energy I need to keep out of myself if I am ever going to know full truth again from my twin.  But I don't want to focus on what has happened.  I'd like for it to be wiped away like it never existed, and that has happened in the past.  In the past I've been mirrored and then it has disappeared.  I pray for that miracle again.

I wish James could be here.  I wish he would come here and kiss me until the hurt disappears.  I wish that with all of my might.  I wish I could open my email and find a message from him where he sounds like himself again, the sweet adorable angel I met.  I wish that with all of my might and it is what I am going to pray for.  I am praying for this silence to finally end.  I miss him so much.  My goal is to be as totally aware as humanly possible of my energy, especially any anger that might want to creep up inside of me.  I have a feeling anger has really negatively affected my union.  My twin, for a long time now, says something to me over and over again and I could never figure out why.  But lately I am wondering if he's trying to show me my scary-intense anger energy even though I don't show it to him directly.  He always knows.  I don't know what the answer to reunion is but I am hoping me quelling that energy will change this for the better.  Again, praying for my miracle.

My heart is aching right now because just over three weeks ago James was here loving me.  We did not discuss much but he did love me.  I remember his sweet face.  He has the cutest sweetest face and the most gentle kisses.  His voice is soft and kind.  I had not heard his voice in a very long time before then, and finally I got to hear his wonderful voice.  He hugged me and told me, "You look nice!"  We joked.  I looked into his beautiful blue eyes.  His eyes are absolutely gorgeous.  I am so in love with this man that I don't even know what to do about it.  I pray to all things holy that something shifts for the better soon because I hurt too much to continue on like this for much longer.  Yes I will do the best I can.  I am pretty sure that I have been shown I can't have huge energetic shit fits and expect to get any closer to my twin.  I think my immature bouts of anger, which I've thrown out there since this started, have pushed him farther and farther from me as well as made him show me things he's probably never wanted to.  I need it to change now.  I do.  I am so lonely and sad right now.  I remember James as this angel of a man who was so good to me.  And I really dislike what I've created since then.  It makes me sad.  And I'd like to change it.

I keep telling God I am sorry and to please help me.  Yeah, on my knees crawling back to God begging for help in releasing any unnatural energy.  Begging God to help ease my aching heart and soul because I hurt.  I miss James in a way I can't explain.  I still have these hopes and dreams and I am trying to stay strong to hold on to my dreams.  I know to not believe the illusion but I miss him.  I love him so very much.  I remember how good he was to me, patient and kind and caring.  He was generous with his time, attention and affection.  He always wanted to know me.  And he would never ever want to hurt me.  He was compassionate and he says that being a good human being means being empathetic and kind.  I know that's who James is, and I am so tired of making him show me opposite. It is killing me.  I want so much to know my friend again, my caring loving friend and I feel like all I can do right now is watch my energy and beg God because I almost hurt too bad to focus rightly.  I'm having a hard time right now.  And my God I feel so lonely.  I wish he could come to me and hold me.  And I want to hold him too.  For a long time.  I wish I could get truth from him, real honest truth.  I am so tired of the illusion and non-truth, the nonsense!  I can't take it anymore.  Yet I am dying to hear from my friend.  I want to talk to him.  For real.

I will know him when I hear from him.  The energy feels different immediately when it is the honest friend I know he is.  It feels jovial and buoyant and friendly and kind. It feels like the man I met, and you have no idea how badly I long to feel that kind happy energy from him again.  I miss him so much.

James used to sit and kiss me for hours.  Our kisses are the best kisses.  I know he loves our kisses.  And I miss kissing him.  I miss holding him and talking with him and hugging him and being in his arms.  It felt so good to be in his arms again.  Like I belong there.  I wish with everything in me to know that man again.  And all I can do is watch my energy and pray really hard for right now.  I can't say I won't reach out to him because I already have but I am surrendered enough to realize I will only hear from him when I am meant to.  And that is so hard to take because I wish I could hear from him soon, and really him.  Sweet gentle James.  The guy who held my hand on our first date and kissed me under the blue moon, kissed me like he was owning me.  Oh I remember that kiss.  His kisses are so strong.  They knock me off my feet.  This is a man who sat with me for weeks kissing me and asked for nothing else, and he told me he'd wait forever for me because I was worth it to him to wait.  He was with me because he loves me.  And I know it was special  I know he still cares for me.  I know James wants me to be happy, and not alone.  So whatever is going to happen to offer me a happy future- I know he wants that for me, and I want him to have a happy future too.  I want us to have a happy future together.

I really am so ready to have his love, strong true romantic soul love, full time in my life now.  I am so ready to just be happy, and I am not happy right now.  This hurts really bad.  And I don't want to hurt anymore.  I miss him and love him so much.   I keep praying that my dreams can still come true,  that if I shift my energy then this can all shift back to love.  It can be hard to hold on to hope but I am trying.  I wish I could hear from my friend.  I miss my friend. No, more than that. I miss my lover too. I miss making love with him. He has the sexiest body and the most amazing "assets." I want to worship and adore his enticing sexy amazing naked body for the rest of my life, like seriously fawn over, taste and admire in every way every night forever. That is what I want. I wanna be loving and naughty both with him. I do ache for him. I can't help it. He is all I want.

I miss my friend so much.  You have no idea how much I wish, hope and pray to see him again.

I can't say much more than that.  I love him.  I remember him.  I miss him from the depths of my soul and I really hurt right now.  I pray something changes for the better, and soon.

Jennifer