Songs

There are plenty of songs I hear that remind me of this journey or James or how I feel about him. And sometimes I hear a song and wonder if it is how he feels about me. I know many of us walking this path are spoken to through music. I still wake with songs in my head or the radio will play something so poignant at a precise moment when maybe I was asking the universe a question and the song feels like an answer.

For example after I saw James again, when I knew he still did not feel to me like he could be his full genuine self and it made me ache, I asked "up there" what is up. What am I meant to do? Why? How do I get through this? I turned my car on and a song I have not heard in a while was just starting. "Goodbye Girl" by David Giles. In the song the male singer calls his Love his "Goodbye Girl." He tells her if she wakes up to find that he's not there to remember that goodbye does not mean forever. Goodbye does not mean we'll never see each other again. But the part of the song that really speaks to me is he tells her "The things you do my Goodbye Girl will bring me back to you." I took it as a sign, pretty much the only one I have had since he was here. I felt like I was being reminded that the things I do with my intention and energy have had will bring him back to me. He tells her no matter if they are far apart she'll still have his heart and that no matter how long it takes he will show her that she is meant for him and he is meant for her.

So when I start to freak out I keep reminding myself of that song. It's odd, those lyrics. They specifically say "The things YOU do my Goodbye Girl will bring me home to you." The song is from a movie about a woman who is afraid every man she meets and falls in love with will leave her.

Oh the irony, right?

He is telling her in the song that she has to believe in love. He knows she has been hurt in the past but now she needs to believe and trust love. And if he leaves he won't be gone too long because the things she does will bring him back. That song hit me hard the first time I heard it about a year ago. I just wish I had followed its message more closely then. I try and tell myself I've done everything as best I could even when I feel like I've fucked up royally! I remind myself that at the very least I have not ran off and shared myself with any other man. I've really tried to believe enough that I honor this love I feel by staying alone and always hoping for James to be able to come back some day once, like this song says, I get done what I need to.

This song above, "Thank You" makes me cry when I hear it. It is hard right now because I clearly remember his perfect love and how wonderful he was to me. I know I sound like a broken record. But if you knew the extent of the mirroring (of my own fears) I've experienced then you would understand why I remind myself of who he really is. He is the guy I dated. That is when he was able to be himself with me and he was happy to do so. It was the most beautiful time of my entire life. No one has ever made me feel as happy as James did. No one has ever treated me better- the only person who treats me similarly is my child because PJ is so loving to me.

So yes I do remind myself. It was a happy time in my life. I finally met a good single man who wanted to be exclusive with me. No qualms about it. No fucking around. No game playing. No hiding behind text
 He was just sooooooo different than the majority. And because our connection is different than any other regular "relationship" I know that the love and consideration he showed me still exists. I'd like it back in my life. I would love him back in my life. But even the short time we spent together I am thankful for, like this song says. He made me the happiest so thank you. It was wonderful spending time with him, loving him so much but being shown that he was just as in love with me too. It really does hurt to know I had such a beautiful gift in this friendly kind loving man but I have been unable to enjoy him all this time we have been apart. I ache to know James again the way I once did. Free and friendly and funny. Kind, caring, affectionate and responsive. Oh the irony. He and I were always in contact one way or another. Seriously once we began talking before we even met he would always say hi in the morning and he always said goodnight at night. Very very considerate. And he loved to talk with me so we spent hours and hours on the phone. I love his voice. It is gentle and sexy both. I knew I would love him once I met him. The first time I heard his voice I melted. He made me laugh a lot because he is silly even when discussing deep topics. And I felt like I could tell him anything. Back then it seemed we believed differently since he is Atheist but I was channeling "spirit" and reading cards and feeling very much like I knew what God is. But he was respectful of my beliefs. He never said he did not believe me. He asked me to read his cards and was interested in the message. He even asked me so sweetly if I could pull a card for "us." I remember him asking me that. The look on his face and time to his voice was soft and loving. The card I pulled said what we had was a blessing even if it seemed difficult at times. Little did I know! But he was always so damn cute in everything he did. We were talking on the phone one night. I would sit on my deck under the stars and talk to him so when I'm back there now I always look up and remember those nights of burning the hours away on the phone with him... and now I would give nearly anything to enjoy another phone conversation with him. But this night he told me something so sweet. He said he had been talking to one of his friends where he worked, another scientist-type. And he said he was dating a woman who was into angels and all that but he thought it was interesting and I was different in a good way. He said "It makes me love you more."

Those are the things I have to remember because fear can later try to steal those sweet HONEST moments away. He was really just the nicest guy when he was here, when he could be. And I feel like he tried his ass off to show me his love So I'd believe and trust him fully. He was good to me. He tried. He wanted me to accept his love. He was heaping it on me and I loved it and him but even though I loved him I had a hard time accepting his love. I guess that is what allowing means. Being able to receive love. Opening my heart to receive love, not just give love. I'm very loving. But I found it hard to accept the love he so obviously felt for me and was trying to get me to accept and trust.

That is why this song makes me cry. It is how I feel for him. Thank you for trying so hard. You did your best. And you know I loved you then and love you now. You were good to me. You treated me with respect and kindness. Your patience with me is a gift I still cherish, how you sat and kissed me for days while obviously desiring me yet you waited for me. A gentleman. Thank you for bringing me and my son thoughtful little gifts when you came to visit me. Thank you for taking the time to come see me and spend time with me knowing I needed to be home with my child. You wanted to see me so you made time, content to just be with me. Kissing!! We kissed a lot when we were together. I could kiss James for eternity and it still would not be long enough. Forever isn't even long enough.

My son. He means the world to me. So yes, James being so kind about my son and to my son sealed the deal for me. I think the way he treated my child, including him and taking us out together and teaching PJ golf abd... ugh- being so thoughtful on his own, wanting to be kind and wanting to make us happy, is one of the things about him that has made me fight so hard against allowing the fear mirror to become my reality. What a shame it would be to just let go of such a wonderful honest memory. I know that is James. Genuinely him. The sweet guy who asked his single mommy girlfriend if he could take me and my son out together and he was just so good to us. To me. Yes it makes me sad now because he is not with us but it was wonderful while it happened. He felt right with us. PJ still remembers James feeding the alligators with him. I mean what guy does that?! Not many.
 Not enough. He took it upon himself to plan time with me and my son both. I'll never forget that, ever. It is why I have this damn blog. It is why I... don't run away from this even when I am tempted to. It is why when I've had shit shoved at me I breathe abdctell myself NO WAY. No way will you forget that sweet man.

Fear sucks guys. In this connection fear is no fun to deal with. But James was so good to me that the honesty of his strong love has helped me hold on over these last years. Has not been easy for I have never fully given up or forgotten who he really is.

I miss him so much. I miss my gift. Being able to talk with him openly and honestly like we used to would be a miracle to me, to hear his smile in his voice again. To be able to feel his genuine self. His truth. I miss that so much. He always asked about my child because he is considerate and thoughtful and he cares. He is a caring guy. I know that. I miss him. I miss him so much. If I had one single wish I'd use it very selfishly. I'd wish for My sweetheart to be able to be his honest loving truthful self with me again. That's what I want more than anything, for James to be able to show me his truth again. For him to be able to be himself, his genuine sweet loving kind self again. I never knew how much I would value truth until having experienced the opposite. Right now is give pretty much anything to have that truth back.

Thank you.