Love... Love... Love

I will admit that I am having a personal struggle concerning twin flames right now.  Most people in my life don't understand.  I honestly feel like at this moment every single person who was or could be an ally to me is not connecting with me.  I feel isolated in this journey but maybe I am meant to be now.  Meant to be strong in and of myself instead of needing others to fortify me with affirmation.  If I mention him to people the first thing they do is play on my fears by saying it could be evil or from the devil.  I then have to step back and take inventory of it all... because sometimes it can hurt so much that I wonder if the devil may be taunting me... but that's what the darkness desires- DOUBT. 

And then I remember how Joron looked at me and I saw his soul reflected in his eyes.  How he was my mirror in telling me how wonderful and loving I am.  How he made me laugh when only my son really ever makes me laugh.  We'd laugh together- oh God do I miss his laugh!  I recall his adorably nerdy scientist chuckle and I cry as my heart melts.  I remember sitting on my couch wearing a skirt, legs all smooth and sexy and tempting to him, and making out night after night, hour upon hour, and his hands never straying anywhere x-rated {well there was that one time, lol!} out of respect for me yet he was always soooo amazingly passionate and affectionate and content to nuzzle our noses together, giggle and talk quietly while my son slept.  Never once did we watch TV- while together it was always just us talking, sharing, dreaming and most of all kissing, lol.  His kisses are heaven.  His dream of making love to me where he text me and said, "It was so kissy and warm and good and I know it will be just like that and I can't wait... but I can wait because I love you so much that all I want is to be with you.  I will wait as long as you need because you are what I want.  I can wait for our love.  But I know it will be good with you."  Night after night he waited until I made the first move... somehow he just knew I needed to know from the bottom of my heart that he wanted ME and not what I could do for him.  Thank God because that knowledge has pulled me through some dark moments in this separation.

I asked him one Saturday if we could get together and he told me he had a "guy party" that night and it was no girls allowed, lol.  Then, oh... be still my beating heart... he emailed and said he had all morning and afternoon though.  He invited me and my son out with him.  He picked us up.  We schlepped my son's car seat into his back seat and he took us to a festival for lunch, and then he had already researched and found a "fun center" play land nearby with a huge inflatable slide, mini golf, and a lake to feed baby alligators.  He surprised us with a trip there.  While we were eating lunch he asked my son, "How would you like to go feed the baby alligators?" and then he told me about this fun center we were going to visit.  He literally embodies my Dreams Come True.  We all walked together and he showed my little man how to golf.  He smiled and watched my little man wait his turn to go down the slide about 100 times.  He was so calm and loving sitting there holding my hand while we talked and watched my son enjoy himself.  Joron helped little man feed the alligators and nodded when I turned to go buy more food letting me know he was fine to keep an eye on him alone.  He laughed when my son found a rock and wanted to keep it {he's a Geologist.}  He told me what a wonderful mother I am, what a dear sweet adorable son I have.  He dug around in his trunk and found some golf balls to give my son- and I carry one around in my jacket pocket, my tailsman.  We tried to kiss when we got home, before he left, but little man would not let us be- and I remember his laugh against my lips while we glanced at little man whose little eyeballs were wide open and locked on us {Joron is the only man I've introduced to my son} and I ached to wrap myself around my twin... settling for a small sweet kiss and hug instead.  That gnawing ache stayed with me until the next time he swept into my house and kissed me senseless, like drinking me in. 

He asked me if I'd ever read "The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy" and I told him no.  The next time he came over he brought with him a beautiful hardbound copy of the entire collection that he'd walked to the bookstore to buy for me that day; he also brought me chocolates along with it.  I wrote inside the book, September 2013, how much I loved him- how perfect my love was.  Thoughtful and sweet and kind and caring.

I could go on and on.  He said we somehow managed to squeeze in six years of love into six weeks.  He made me homemade perogies and brought us organic beef.  I may sound materialistic, and I am far from it believe me, but his thoughtfulness in bringing us little goodies was a true reflection of just how generous, loving and kind his soul is.  One day he brought my son pop rocks... and little man still asks about Joron and the pop rocks.  He said, "Mom I need to see Joron and thank him for the pop rocks," and my heart constricts in my chest, my breath leaves me, and inside I weep.  I weep for him.  I ache for him.  I miss him from the very depths of my soul, and when I allow myself to fall into my reveries... I cannot deny how special and wonderful and absolutely beautiful of a soul he is.  I tell myself- what if?  What if he is hurting and confused and aching too and has no idea why he feels the way he does, unknowing the hand that Spirit has in our separation?

There was and is no evil here.  If anything is evil it is the energies around us which do not want twin souls uniting because a love as strong as the love between myself and Joron could light up the world.  The dark forces that exist in the world, I wouldn't doubt, do not want twin souls to reunite.  Hence why I found the fortune cookie in my purse the other day which read on the inside, "Faithless is he who gives up when the road darkens."  My road grows dark at times.  I have allowed myself recently to cave to fear and hatred.  I don't care if I have to come on here every single day and blog repeatedly all the wonderfulness I remember about my twin soul- I will do so in order to keep his real, true and genuine spirit close to me.

We met on the full moon.  On the next full moon he took my hand and lead my outside under my favorite tree in my front yard so we could look at the full moon together.  Standing under my tree he kissed me so passionately and later text me telling me how he hoped we would spend "many more moons together."  I've been forgetting him- it seems to make it easier but that's a lie.  Pushing his memory away is only a defense mechanism.  Tonight I want to close my eyes and feel him with me.  I want to lie in bed and imagine his fingertips trailing my body as he'd lay there and tell me how beautiful and special I am and my heart would swell and flow over with love for him.  The first time we made love he was so... concerned and overwhelmed and overtaken that there were "difficulties" and instead of being embarrassed we laughed and giggled and did the best we could to make it, er, work.  In the end as we lay entwined and close, kissing and whispering... our "pillow talk" that he loved so much, I couldn't have asked for a more perfect "first time."  His "imperfection" let me know he was feeling from his heart, concerned and caring and just so damn sweet.

I miss him so much.  I love him so much and I can't be weak and forget that love or push it out of my heart when the going gets rough, and it's rough right now.  I know in my heart what is happening to us- and he is my very special other.  My gem to be cherished as I was told moments before I met him.  His first words to me face to face were, "You are just as beautiful as I knew you'd be" with his sweet little grin and those twinkling blue eyes.

He is my dear.  My soul mate.  My other half.  My love.  And I miss him with all my heart.  I refuse to give in or cave or surrender.  I love that man so the darkness can go looking elsewhere because I am not giving up on us.

He swept into my life and loved me with a fierceness I couldn't even have imagined in my wildest dreams. His love has helped heal me.  He is my Prince Charming.  My dear twin soul.  

A while back I couldn't find anything worth listening to on the radio while I was driving so I turned on Padora and this song started playing.  At the first note my heart melted and I thought, "Joron."  From the back seat my "sensitive" little man said with such feeling, "Awwwww mommy!  It's Joron's song mom!  It's for Joron!"  I asked him why he said it- he replied, "Because of Jesus."  Jesus.  Unconditional love- a reminder from my very special four year-old that never should I waver from the love I feel for my twin.  Here is my number one song from me to my twin soul.  I won't give up on us.  Ever.  I am all in no matter what. 

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am.


Thank you dear twin for helping to show me who I really am.