I Wouldn't Change A Day

I Wouldn't Change A Day

“I think they mean everything to each other. They love each other, on a profound level such is rarely found in life. They’d do anything for each other. They’re soul mates.” - Frank Spotnitz

I miss James.  He is my bestest soulmate, my sweetheart forever.  The Mulder to my Scully.  I am having a hard time being away from him; I just want to be with my Love.  I'd love to talk to my friend again.  I love him and miss him so very much.  I hope he is well, wherever he is.

That said, as I look back at the last months I can see why I have not heard from the "real" man I love.  There is little question as to why.  I'm almost a little embarrassed of myself.  My energy has been shit.  I can clearly say I have created all of my own suffering.  I've focused on the wrong things.  I've been angry, fiercely angry.  I've thought about other men and even talked with another man- I did get a huge sign afterwards but the intentional "damage" was already done.  All while writing on the blog about how much I love James, all while still writing in my journal, and it's not right.  It's contradictory and hypocritical.  It was not purposeful, born mostly out of fear, especially fear of the unknown.  Not knowing 100% what's going on behind the scenes makes me freak out and lose my mind sometimes.  But there has not been one single month of me having balanced energy, and since my energy is very strong I know I've created more of what I don't want.  My hope is my twin has "pushed" me to keep me on track because he actually is out there aching to see me again one day so he continues to be my guide any way he can.  It feels that way to me, like he's just doing his job, not letting me go, and it's for a purpose.  I have to be strong enough to see past it, to "view the situation from a higher perspective" like my guidance taught me even before I met James.  I always love James, always.  Lost is sometimes how I feel and then I waver, and I really need to stay solid in this.  I will allow myself to miss him.  I will continue to push myself back on track, and I will work so fucking hard to keep my focus no matter what.  That focus should be on love and truth, and on myself, my life and my twin soul.  I am not going to beat the shit out of myself.  My wandering off is never intentional.  It's me freaking out.  I've always only wanted him.  I've told the universe my intentions: only James.  I will stay steady.  EVENTUALLY I will learn SOMETHING and stay focused.  Spiritual maturity is growing bit by bit.  I will only go forward, even if it's baby steps. 

I also really really need to stay sober so there is that too.  I believe everything I write here on my blog.  It's when I let my mind get the best of me that shit starts to hit the fan.  Most of the time my blog is my heart.  Even when I ache and share that here- it is my heart.  Writing the love is my heart.  Believing in the mirror is my heart, and believing in James and his goodness is my heart.  But when I am angry or resentful or blaming- that is my head for sure.  And for me alcohol allows my head to overrule my heart- it's easier for me to feel shitty if I drink, and drinking is just crap for me, crap for my child.  I can really only be the best mom I can be if I stay sober.  It is a promise I am making to myself, for me.  For my sweet child too.  I can't live with myself being a total hypocrite, and right now I feel that way.

James is a good man.  I love him with all of my heart.  I am fortunate that if I was going to end up as a twin soul in this lifetime that James is the one I ended up connected with.  I wouldn't want it to be anyone else but him; I wouldn't have it any other way but him.  I am lucky to be with him in this.

I wouldn't change a day of the time I've had knowing James and having him here in my life. 

Xx Oo

Jennifer