James told me on more than one occasion how much he appreciates me. He'd say or write, "You are such a good girlfriend. I really appreciate you." And even after this all happened we'd end up talking and one time, lol, he asked me for a photo and I sent it. God he was always so damn sweet, and it's breaking my heart to remember how genuinely amazing he always was with me. I sent the photo and he responded thanking me, and he was very grateful. He "miraculously" reverted back to calling me his girlfriend at this time, with no discussion about it because this IS a magical connection, and he said again, "I am so lucky to have you as my girlfriend. I ask you to send me photos and things that will make me happy and you always do because you are so good to me. I really appreciate you."
Have I mentioned I miss him like no other???
*sigh* But soon after I got scared again and he had to go quiet. *sniff sniff* I did not sleep well last night and I am super tired today. It's okay though. It's Friday. Something I want to share, recently something happened to me that's really made me question my blog. But it's one of those times when I have to look at a "sign" or "message" and decipher whether it's truth or not. Still the last weeks I've thought about taking the blog down, or no longer writing on it, or not be authentic, hide my feelings, sugarcoat, etc. And that's not me. I am not one for "hiding."
I woke the other morning to find this comment on my blog, and it made me feel so much better:
"Rose,
You say "I no longer feel that reunited twins all have some "divine mission" on earth that consists of working together to achieve something specific like being a guide or teacher or what have you", and " I used to think I was being pointed to writing for the sake of achieving some sort of destiny as a published author. I no longer believe that." I would like to gently but firmly disagree with you; the writing you have done here made my path so clear, that it instantly moved me to a more loving, higher vibration instead of feeling so lost, abandoned, and quite frankly, insane. And the instant after that, I felt a huge chunk of the painful, oppressive wall that is my TF crumble. I can feel his beautiful, loving soul. It is real, there is no doubt. Thank you so much for posting this. I am bookmarking it on every electronic device I have so I have somewhere to come back and ground when I start to feel like this whole twin flame thing is too much. So, back to my original disagreement: this piece of "PUBLISHED WRITING" has moved me forward in my awakening. You documenting your journey to unconditional love has started a ripple effect. You have most definitely acted as a "GUIDE" to me, and I highly doubt I am the only one. It's almost as if you are fulfilling a "DIVINE MISSION" :) I go forward with the belief that I will some day be able to show someone else something about unconditional love, intentionally or otherwise, creating another ripple. And imagine the sea change possible from enough ripples :) Thank you, from the deepest place in my (and my TF's) soul:"
And then this morning there was another.
"Rose,
I have to say I agree with lushnight. I share those exact sentiments. Sometimes when I am feeling down, I read your blogs as well and it makes me feel better. As i previously mentioned, you hit the nail on the head. My wall started to crumble as well when I started reading your blogs. Also, I let go of a lot of the ego and started loving my twin flame even more. Don't stop, you have been a guide to me as well. Thank you from both my twin flame and I."
I am very thankful for both of these messages, as well as all of the other messages readers have sent me. Thank you. I actually see these messages as "signs" from above since I've been struggling on my end. I MISS James terribly. I have a deep ache and longing in me and sometimes it is stronger than others and it hurts. I had him in my life, in my arms, in my house, at my dinner table sharing a meal with me, spending time with me and my son- I love him SO much, and I miss him. I feel like a part of my heart is missing and while I absolutely do believe in our soul connection, and I am doing my best to nurture it and use it appropriately to send him only love, belief and affection, I still ache to have him back in my arms. So everything I write is my authentic feelings, and recently I've been questioning my feelings, how I express them, if it's even "good" any longer.
But I've come to the conclusion that sometimes we feel that ache. Sometimes we get past it and feel only joy again, and sometimes the ache comes back full-force. I can tell you that when I see photos of Chicago and remember my dream date with James wandering hand in hand through the city my heart aches so much I cry. And I don't buy that "Just be happy about it!" They are good happy memories but they make me ache because I miss him, and the memories make me miss him even more. Reliving my memories of us together makes me feel him again strongly. I can see us standing in Pinkberry getting frozen yogurt and then walking along eating it together and talking, and the night was SO perfectly beautiful, and he held my hand almost the entire night. At one point we left a building through a revolving door and he pulled me into him and kissed me and then said when we got outside, "Do I embarrass you?" Because of his endearing displays of affection. And I, almost kinda drunk from his energy, just smiled and said of course not. I told him he was every single thing I asked for in a man. And I was being honest. He is every single thing I want in a man, and I KNOW there is no other man in this whole world who could be a better fit for me. And I don't want to settle for anything less than my perfect fit. I just want my Love back in my life. I miss him!!! It is not sorrow or despair or anything "low." It's a heartache born of love for someone who is not here in my arms right now. And I guess I am tired of having to feel guilty because I am not over here dancing for joy over simply the soul connection with my twin soul. I am thankful for our connection. I hear him. He speaks to me in his own way. But I miss his human self in my life. I need to hug James again.
We do have an intense soul connection. It is deep and strong; he knows everything about me. He knows just what to say, what buttons to push, to get me to review how I've been feeling and see what I need to shift. I look back over the last few months and see a pattern of how the messages get stronger and more loving when my energy is loving. I can cry and be sad and miss him... as long as my energy and intention stays loving and kind and gentle and compassionate.
I guess what I am saying, time and again, is THIS- in my journey I don't feel I have to stay all joyful all the time. I can ache and miss him. Honestly I'd much rather ache and miss him than throw up my wall of "I don't want to feel this anymore" and then I get an edge, and that edge will keep us apart. I must stay softened and tempered and kind and loving in my energy, and that often for me means really missing him, that ache. I accept that.
And I express myself freely here. I feel like James already knows everything I think. He's shown me this many many times ever since I met him. We are two divine beings, and he's very divine. I don't quite understand it and I don't try to. I just accept it and believe it.
I feel that if he could talk to me honestly he'd tell me "Good job!" on my blog. He'd tell me he loves my writing, and I know he does. He loves how I express myself, and I know he MISSES how I'd write to him and share and tell him my stories or express my love to him. He told me so. He told me he loved reading my emails and learning about me. He'd give me credit for sharing truth and being brave and really fighting hard to know my truth instead of shifting blame on him or calling him "a runner" or thinking he's imbalanced and in need of healing. He would thank me for defending him and being true to my heart. He would tell me he does realize I am doing the best I can and that he wants me to know it too. I have to know that I am doing all I can at any given time to get through this. No pressure to move faster, understand more quickly, be stronger, or "just get the job done now." Guilt, shame or feeling badly do not work well for me and I know I do not deserve any of those things. I am a damn good person and I've done the best I can do. James realizes that my blog is helping other people, and he's got a loving kind heart and soul. I'm sure he love me even more for my belief and passion and how hard I keep trying to move forward, being dedicated to this union, trying to listen. Getting his emails {that I no longer share here sorry} and seeing beyond the words to know what he's really trying to tell me: KNOW TRUTH. And don't run off... because if I run off then it will take even longer before we see each other again and I would bet my life that my twin soul wants to be with me NOW, as in together, hugging and kissing and sharing and having pillow talk, all curled up together under the covers smiling, giggling, nuzzling noses like we used to. I LOVE how we used to kiss. OMG it was so fabulous. Our faces close for like hours, kisses and then just touching our noses together and smiling and kissing more. And more.
I know we are meant to be together again. I miss him SO much, and I know he misses me. All I do here is share my honest-to-God feelings. My experience the way I see it. Yes I get scared and have my doubts tempt me to think bad things but I also have a knowing, and my knowing tells me that he absolutely loves me. He's sad without me. And all he wants, the same as me, is for us to see each others smiling faces again.
It will take consistency and persistence on my end. I just love him so so much!
Thank you again for the kind blog comments. I do try to be as positive, honest and uplifting as I can here. Sometimes I am sad though, and my emotions run deeper than most as it is. I am glad to know, though, that my words are still helping at least one person!
Jennifer
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