Thankful

 

Well it looks like we are going to Disney World again this fall.  My whole family is going which is my brother and his wife and two boys who are 7 and 3, and my parents too.  So I asked my sister if she would want to go with me and PJ and share the room which would lower the price for her and me both.  She agreed and last night flights to Disney for October were $69.00 so I bought them.  I already have a little money put aside and I can come up with the rest for the trip before it gets here.  I don't spend much money on shit.  I use it for stuff like vacations!  It's always nice to have something to look forward to, especially when I am still waking up in the wee hours of the morning aching inside over James.  It hurts and I can't seem to find a way to make it stop so I just try to accept it the best I can, or any way I can sometimes.  So it helps to have fun things to anticipate.  

I just wish I was planning it with him going with us.  I wish we were a family.  I wish he was with us sharing life together so I am, again, bittersweetly sad this morning. I am so thankful for all the joy and blessings I have in my life but I miss James so much.  I really wish he was with us.

I am trying to focus only on what I love.  I love making my child happy.  I love that I am going to be able to take him to Disney World for the third year in a row.  Had anyone told me I'd do that a few years back I'd think they were nuts.  It's odd how some people seem shocked that I travel with him alone.  Well, duh, I have no choice right now.  It is either that or go nowhere so of course we travel alone.

I read all this stuff about twin souls, right?  And SO much of it says that in order to reunite we must have strong self-love and not be "co-dependent."  I am the farthest thing from co-dependent.  I take care of myself both physically and emotionally.  I don't need a man to take care of my life, and I don't NEED a man to tell me I am loved.  If I did then I'd go find "some man" to do those things for me but see I don't "need" that.  I experienced beautiful pure love with James and I want that back.  And only James.  Because I love JAMES.  Do you understand?  I fell in love with HIM and I miss HIM.  I don't miss just "being cuddled" or something like that.  I ache for my sweet little scientist who loves to golf and shared 80s music with me, who asked me all kinds of questions and jokingly told me that maybe our parents conceived us on Thanksgiving.  "Hot turkey sex" is what he said, and LOL, I've never been able to forget that!  He is so funny and friendly and silly, a total boyish goofball and I miss him so god damn much.  I can barely tolerate how I feel right now and I have to BEG God for mercy because I ache terribly.  I love the time we spent together and I want that back so much!  We'd be so perfect together, sharing a life together.  We were perfect together and I realize on a soul level we still are.  I believe he, on the spiritual level, is doing exactly what he has to in this union.  Sometimes I ask him to help me, like in my journal or in my head I will ask him to please help me, but I assume he probably already is doing what he can within the limitations of being my mirror.  I feel like truth is he really is still helping me just in a different way than my sensitive human self desires.  And I am trying very hard to see that, believe it, accept it and learn from it in order to do what I need to do so this can shift back around to truth. 

I guess what I am saying as I ramble on, and I have to or I might die keeping it all inside, is that I don't feel I have all of this healing and growth yet to do.  I feel I'm past that and I see things pretty clearly but now I have the responsibility of focusing my energy properly, and it's a work in progress. 

Our time together was the beginning of an absolutely beautiful balanced healthy relationship.  He told me some time ago that the number one thing he loves most about me is that I am genuine and pure, and he said that is rare today.  And he is right.  I am very genuine and authentic.  I am just "me" and I rarely hide myself.  No pretenses, especially not now.  Maybe in the past I did do that thing where I tried to make someone like me more by pretending to be something I am not, sometimes.  But I don't really feel I did that with James.  He saw the real me.  I did not hide my spirituality from him even though he is Atheist.  I felt he loved me enough to accept me, and he did, and it is too much a part of me to hide, especially back then when I thought I had an angel with me, lol.  Now I believe that angel to be my Higher Self.  James said he loved me even more for my passion about spirituality and God, and I know that is truth.  I remember when he told me.  I can hear his voice in my mind, so sweet and soft and loving telling me he loved me even more for being passionate and unique.

You have no idea, just no idea, how much I want to be back with this man.

I am no-drama.  No-chaos.  No bullshit.  I am just love.  Seriously.  I love to make the people in my life happy.  I like to treat others how I want to be treated, with love and affection.  And James, well he is the perfect candidate because he welcomed that love I have to give.  He wanted it, loved it, appreciated it and was ecstatic about it.  He's also that soft warm gooey love too.  He likes to give that love and he's also open to receiving it.  He's all love.  So we got along perfectly, loved along perfectly.  We shared so much love together in such a short amount of time and I have not at all recovered from him going away.  I have not gotten over it at all.  I am so so so strong on the outside so I smile and live and love and have fun and be a good friend, a good mom, a good family member.  I put on my happy strong face and do my absolute best to enjoy the life I have how it is now but I grieve him not being here with me every single fucking day, and it's not something I can share readily or at all.  I have a few dear friends who understand and all I have to say is, "I just really miss him right now."  And PJ knows.  He knows I miss James.  He always gives me my James bear at night.  My poor son is six years-old and he realized his mommy is very much in love with a man who is not here, and sometimes I will say, "I miss James sweetheart.  I really love him, " and he will say in his sweet little kid voice, "Yeah, me too."  He still remembers James being so nice to him and taking us out for our fun day.  I hope he remembers that always.  It was one of the nicest things any man had done for him up to that point, including his own father.  I am grateful to James for giving us both that wonderful experience because, and this might be hard to understand, up to that point no one had ever done something like that for me.  He was the first man to ever go out of his way to plan a day for me, plan a day for my son, all of us together.  My child's own father had not done that in three years.  So YES- I am undeniably still fully in love with him.  I can't help it.  He was an angel when he was in my life, a total love-angel.

I really do struggle with trying not to drink in order to dull the ache somewhat.  I am still working on that.  It's not like I am some raging alcoholic but I have to constantly remind myself either "Not too much" or, "Let's not drink at all tonight because it feels so much better being sober."  And I can "not drink."  I can go without drinking for weeks but the desire and temptation is there, and I only want to drink for the sedate effect it has, full on honest admission.  I like the way it makes me feel.  BUT it does feel so much better being sober.  Drinking does nothing good for me.  I feel too tired, get heartburn, am bloated, dehydrated no matter how much water I drink, headaches, weight gain and God knows it's not good for my insides or anything else.  I already know this, believe me.  But sometimes when I ache really badly it's nearly impossible to not cave to softening that "pull" just a bit.  I am doing the best I can there.  I refuse to beat the crap out of myself for anything; I have that right.  I'm trying- I really am. I am fortunate because my friend and roommate understands and I can be honest with her so she knows my struggle, knows when I feel weak, knows when I want to drink and she does not judge me.  I am thankful for her and her understanding me and being there for me.  I assume she lives with me for more reason than just needed a home for her and her kids.  I might lose myself if she was not there.  I refuse to beat myself up because this is honestly a really challenging situation and I am only doing the best I can possibly do, especially through daily heartache and always wishing he was back with me, dying to feel the real him again.  All I want is to feel my friend again.  He is so sweet and loving and kind and I miss that man.  I miss my friend, and FFS I know he is out there.  I KNOW it.

I wake about 4AM usually and lay there enjoying being snuggled in my bed.  Sometimes I will wake and write and sometimes I will lay there and try to fall back to sleep.  But songs fly through my mind and all I can think about is James.  I miss him so much.  I wish he was there snuggled up with me in bed cuddled together.  I loved our pillow talk time when I was in his arms against his chest quietly talking and snuggling, lightly kissing and smiling at each other, sharing thoughts and love.  He has the best hands, very tender and gentle yet strong and he'd stroke my skin while we talked, and he'd smile at me and kiss me too.  He really is just the sweetest man and I do ache because it felt so so right being with him.  Being in his arms felt more right and wonderful than anything else had in my life besides holding my child in my arms.  The two best things in my life, right there. I guess I say "I ache" because it is everything inside of me aching to be with him again.

I pray very hard to God to help me change this around because something has to give for the better!  I love him so very much, and I know people say love does not hurt and I understand that.  It is not my love for him that hurts.  It is physically being apart that hurts.  Teal Swan explains it very well when she says that once you meet that strong soul mate you run at your most optimal when you are together WITH them, and when apart it's like two high-power magnets always "pulling" back towards each other, and FUCK ME that "pull" aches.  He is the only man I want to be in contact with or talk to.  I just wish I could talk to him again like we used to.  I love how he was always so happy to talk to me.  There is nothing else I "need" in my life to make me happy or content but I do want James very much.  He is all I want that would bring me more happiness and make life more colorful and amazing.  I feel a bit lost without him.  He swept into my life, captured my heart, showed me what perfect love feels like, introduced me to his angel-self, and I will always want him and only him in my life as my loving male companion.

So yes I am thankful for opportunities like going to Disney World... but still I wish I had my Love in my life with me right now, like we were before, sharing love, touching, talking, kissing for hours, lost in each other and happy to be there just sitting on my couch all wrapped up engrossed in each other. 

And believe me... I do "smile because it happened" but... I really want him back with me.  Anyone else I'd be able to let go, would have let go ages ago!!!  But with him it is a totally different situation and we never ended, and I've always felt in my heart that we are meant to be together in the end, like he is my destiny, what my soul chose for me- our souls chose together to be with one another, sharing life together.  So while I do smile because I knew him- I've also only ever dreamed of him coming back to me one day, and I do have this strong hope because I believe he has loved me all along and wants to come back to me.  I just love him so very much.