Stuck on You

I saw this on the web and had to save it. 

I miss James' passion for science.  I loved talking with him about his science.  I am not "brain" but I love the universe, the night sky, and I am a deep thinker.  I need a man who challenges my brain, and he does.  He's brilliant, wonderful mind.  So very smart and our conversations were stimulating.  I totally adored our conversations.

Carl Sagan.  Such a peaceful soft-spoken loving brilliant man.  James spoke of him and once told me that Carl Sagan helped shape him as a child, helped make him grow into the kind man that he is.  He told me the story of how Carl Sagan once helped a very young Neil deGrasse Tyson, a kind gesture to a young person who looked up to Sagan.  I know as I look back at the man I dated that he has those same characteristics, a kindness and compassion.  Empathy.  He was not lying when he sent me "The Pale Blue Dot" and told me Sagan helped him become the gentle friendly "scientist" he is today.

I really miss all that about James.  I just miss him so very much.  I know not to focus too much on him not being here.  I know.  But I do miss his friendly presence in my life.  I miss my friend.

I miss our hours-long phone conversations and how he called me all the time.  He wanted to talk to me.  He actually looked forward to speaking with me and that was not something I was used to.  It was hard for me to believe.  He anticipated seeing me and spending time with me, and he always wanted to be in contact with me, saying hello, asking how my day was going.  He never failed to say hello in the morning or after work.  And once he even let me know he was leaving early for work and would not be able to say hi later... and he did not want to wake me so he was just letting me know for when I did not get his good morning text message.

Like, who does that?  Only someone who is VERY thoughtful and aware, and he always was with me.

I miss him.  I am allowing myself to miss him.  I mean I love him as much as I miss him, and I truly do believe he is out there missing me.  There is something I am meant to do with my energy, maybe just stay consistent and loving and trusting, to shift things.  I have this very strong belief that one day James can just come back to me, no questions asked.  And the only energy between us will be of love, and it will be like none of the "nonsense" ever existed.  I say this because I have already experienced it with us before, where certain things "disappear" like they never existed.  I am more than ready to just let anything besides the love, good memories and connection go.  All I want is James back in my life like I had him, my loving companion, friend, boyfriend and lover.  I miss my friend the most.  I really do.  We were friends more than lovers.  And I miss my friend.  I miss my friend so much that I am feeling blue.  I am.  I can't really help it.  I am feeling blue.  Today on lunch I will go for a walk and clear my mind.  It is nice weather out here today, feeling very spring-like.  But I long to share it all with my boyfriend.  My friend.  I miss him. 

James cares about me and my son.  I know he does even if he can't show it outwardly right now.  I have faith in him, and I know we are still "together" in our energy and love.  I am never quite sure what I am meant to "do" or whatever but I can try to be loving in my communication with him and with God.  I will admit I don't really think of "God" all the time.  I kind of talk to both God and James at the same time.  I talk to someone, lol.  Whoever it is.  Sometimes God, sometimes my soul, sometimes my James. 

In my heart I only want my twin soul.  It is a scary thought at time since we are where we are yet at the same time I absolutely can only envision myself with him.  I am stuck on him.  I tell myself it is the same way for him; he met me and loves me and no one else on earth could ever compare to me in his eyes and heart so he's out there keeping busy but keeping his heart open for me, making space while he waits for me to work through this.  That is my prayer.  I want him happy but I also want him with me.  He is my love.  In my heart, mind and soul he is MY love.  He is my one and only, and I keep reminding myself {when I get scared and think of maybe running off} that it would be less painful and uncomfortable to be alone than it would be to share myself with anyone else but James.  I only want him.  For almost two and a half years he is the only man I've really wanted.  I dream of being with him again.  I play back the times we were together, laughing and talking and being silly and staying up half the night either on the phone or in person, wrapped up kissing for hours on end.  I want those times back badly.  He is my perfection.  I've not kissed another man or been intimate with another man.  There were a few times when I flirted, and it never felt right.  I always felt like... it just was not right.  I can't do that anymore because it is never comfortable.  Why force something that just does not feel right to me?  I can't even imagine kissing anyone but James!  His sweet kisses are from heaven and they are all I want.

That said, though, I do want him back SO bad.  I want to hold hands with him again and talk with him.  I want to gaze at his handsome face and look into those sparkling amazing blue eyes.  I want to kiss him for hours and hours and hours, hugging him and never letting go.  And I want to make love with my friend and lover again.  I miss making love with James.  Our intimate moments together were the definition of "making love."  Genuine, true, and so so special.  Lovemaking. 

I miss the lovemaking with my twin soul, my friend, my lover.  My buddy.  I miss my buddy.  Right now I'd be content to just sit in a room holding his hand.  Or hearing his voice again.  Or getting a REAL honest truthful loving message from him, only truth. 

I really do feel that someday, one day, I will see him again.  I know he wants to see me.  He's always wanted to see me.  He never wanted to leave.  It takes some courage for me to feel this way but I feel if it was up to James' feelings only {not being my mirror} he'd do anything it takes to be with me, anything.  I feel like I am his priority and he'd go anywhere to be with me, no question.  I feel that being with me is the most important thing to him over anything else, and so he'd honestly do anything he had to in order to share a life with me.  Because he loves ME, and being with me is what he wants in his life.  He knows I am the perfect fit for him.  I am a bunch of wonderful stuff too.  I am independent and strong so I want my man to be happy and do his fun things.  Yet I love being together too, as a couple.  I am balanced and non-reactive.  I LOVE hard.  I basically only love.  I am so nurturing!  I love to take care of people, and I so badly want to "take care of" him.  I want to cook him nice dinners to show him how much I love him, Shepherd's Pie.  I never got to make him Shepherd's Pie and I want to.  I just want so much to be good to him and share life with him.  There is no one else out there besides him who I want by my side forever. 

I also have to remember to be good to myself, not rough on myself.  Sometimes I do worry that I've taken too long.  Not done enough.  But I have to always believe that YES I've done the best I can.  I have to be gentle on myself.  Not "I have to grow the fuck up now."  No.  That is too "tough love" even on myself.  I am doing the best I can and I am proud of how brave I've been- that's a much better attitude.  I am always striving for increased self-awareness and emotional mastery.  Always.  Even when I slip up, even when I am angry I am always wishing I was feeling better.  This has been quite a journey. 

I am feeling okay right now meaning no anger, thank God.  I am accepting of the situation.  But I will tell you one thing, I cried so hard yesterday that I had to leave work.  I was far too emotional to stay so I left, cried my eyes out and took a nap.  I was exhausted and I try to listen to myself.  I am not "perfect" but I am doing my best.  I have my weaknesses but I am doing my best.  I am a good mommy.  I love my James no matter what, and I am sure he is out there thankful and relieved to know I am always holding on to the love I have for him.  I'd think he's wishing he could show me his love too.  I just feel he loves me.  I am quite loveable, lol.  The way I look at it is if I was James and I met me, fell in love with me and then had to leave- I'd be a miserable wreck.  I know I am easy to love, and would only want to hold on to me because I am a gem and a gift too, just like he is.  I feel like how I cannot let him go, that he feels the same way as me. 

And I miss the fuck out of him.  I ache.  My heart aches badly.  I am reading a novel called "Good Girl" and in it the mail character falls in love with a man who dies at her feet; he is shot because he actually kidnapped her but they fall deeply in love with each other.  I closed it last night as I read about her "grieving" the loss of him in her life.  Her grief is described by her mother, and it is heart-wrenching, and it reminded me far too much of the ache I feel over missing James.  So I curled up with my "James Bear" {yeah I'm a dork but my son gave it to me because he knows how much I love James} next to my child, patted his head and fell asleep.  But I always ache.  So much sometimes that my chest gets all fluttery and hurts.  There is a pain in there, sometimes a sharp pain.  But I am not going to sit here telling myself I MUST find joy!  It is a sensitive mixture of joy and bittersweet ache.  I walked around the block with my son thing morning before work, holding hands.  It was a beautiful morning.  We needed no coats.  I love slipping in a walk with my little love before starting our day.  I have "fun."  I live.  I stay in the moment but I always am loving James and wishing he was with us, sharing life with us.  I still feel he is meant to be a part of us.  He was so caring and sweet with my child.  I know he misses PJ too.  I KNOW he does.

Fuck me.  I hope my Love is happy wherever he is but man I miss him.  I miss you James.  You truly are the only man for me.  It would be impossible for me to love anyone besides James so I'm accepting holding on to this love even if it brings this ache for now.  I pray for the day when I can talk to my Love again.  I do believe in miracles and I KNOW this can shift in a moment and he return to me in love and truth.  I pray for that moment.  I'm doing the best I can to keep my energy where I think it should be but that means allowing myself to miss him and think of him.  I don't really think of "twin souls" but I keep my James in my heart always.  I hope he really does know how much I love him and wish to kiss his sweet lips again.  *sigh*