Can't Help Love

I heard this version of "Can't Help Falling In Love" today and it's so sweet.

I fell in love with James a long time ago.  I think I fell for him before I ever even heard his voice.  His sweet endearing personality shined through in his first emails with me.  I kind of knew I was gonna love this guy just through how he expressed himself to me via email.  SO SWEET, asking me tons of questions, wanting to know me better, thanking me for talking to him and telling me he was excited to get to know me better.  I cannot bring myself to go back and read those because I am just not strong enough.  It might kill me!!!  I do miss my Love, and bringing him THAT close to me, all his truth and genuine goodness, sometimes makes me ache so much that to simply remember it all is enough.  One of these days I will power up my old cell phone and look as his pictures and read our text messages to get a really big hit of him.

I might even break down and listen to his old voicemail messages although yes I will cry.  I will bawl and hug myself and rock back and forth while I listen to him {as I smile through my tears} tell me how wonderful of a girlfriend I am, how lucky he is to have me in his life, and telling me he could tell how much I love him. His sweet voice.  I miss his sweet voice so much.  Oh my love I miss you!

I done already fell in love with him immediately.  And when I saw him walking towards me on our first date wearing his black t-shirt that looked so sexy with his blue eyes I really knew I was screwed.  I was like WTF is up?  This guy is adorable, and that disarmingly boyish smile... OMG.  Like why was this sexy guy even single and available, and how the Hell did I land him?  And I knew he'd like me.  And he did.  It was perfect, just perfect.

So I fell right away for him.  I could not help falling in love with James.  Not at all.  I was ecstatic to know him.  I was happy to fall in love with him!  I did not "fall in love" with him- I DOVE in, lol!  He was so fun to fall in love with.  I felt like the luckiest girl ever, and I was literally pinching myself like, "Is this even real because this dude is amazing."  I even sneaked off to the bathroom to text my friend and I told her "OMG he is perfect I am so excited!" because I was excited.  He'd look at me while he sipped his beer and the look he gave me made me about fall off my stool, this knowing little boyish grin.  It was the best first date ever and I fell in love with him immediately.

And I am still very much in love with that sweet bouncy cute friendly caring man I met.  I will always be in love with him.  I can't HELP but be in love with him.  I can't stop loving him.  I will only be able to love him.  Something happened when I met him, something terrible unexpected for me.  I was always the one who could move on after a love was meant to be out of my life.  I still have unconditional love for the people I "fell in love with" before I met James.  But I don't want them in my life any longer.  I had one reach out over a year ago and he told me he would get me over James, he'd win me over and I'd want to be with him... and the thought made me cringe.  NEVER.  I only want to hear James call me sweetheart or honey or baby or say, "Goodnight beautiful."  I only want James calling me sweet pet names.  I may have been able to move on before I met him but now it is not possible for me. Something changed.  It can only be explained by soul.  My soul must want me to feel like this and there is no way around it.  I am soooo in love with him.

I have my girlfriends and family to talk to.  The only man I want to discuss life with or "get to know" on any level is still James.  I can only tolerate any type of "sweetness" from either family, my son or James.

At Christmas he emailed me and wrote, "Merry x-mas beautiful," and I'm not gonna deny that it made my heart sing, feeling my Love again.  I LOVE him and I know he is meant to be with me, and I miss the fuck out of him and his sweet words and his kind gestures and his wonderful heart and his endearing presence.  Being referred to as "beautiful" only sounds right coming from him.

Because I am so totally in love with him, and I just can't even help it.  I fell in love with him a long time ago and in love is where I stay.  I do love him so very much.  But love is a good feeling; it's a good energy.  So I don't mind sharing my love here.  It's a love only other twin souls can understand though, and I am proud to say my love is strong enough, courageous enough, to stay strong.  I love hard, and I love him with everything I have.  I love him no matter what, and I've always told him that.  I will love him despite anything.  Just like my son will always always be loved unconditionally by me, so is James.  And it's s special love.  A protective love.  He deserves my love for all we've been through together.

I couldn't help falling in love with you, my sweetheart.  Couldn't help loving you now even if I tried.

XxOo

Jennifer