Me

Just writing to share I guess.  I am feeling emotional today.  Not angry or anything but emotional.

I really try to be honest on my blog and honesty means not lying about how I am feeling.  I don't sugarcoat here.  I miss James a lot so not all the time am I going to be on here jumping for joy.  I get scared.  I get to feeling hopeless.  I question myself and ask myself if I am nucking futs to be believing all of this.  I don't know what the future brings and I've had very little to hold on to in the way of the hope department.  Just a few things that I cling to like a man would cling to a life raft in the middle of a stormy ocean.

One of my well-meaning blog readers wrote to me not long ago and told me that recently my blog has been all pain.  That is never my intention but again I have been honest about how I feel and maybe I've been working through a lot.  Not all of us out here in twin soul land can put a smile on our face and be totally joyful and content with the soul connection only.  And I am not being passive aggressive or mean just honest.  I totally appreciate the soul connection I have with James and I am trying hard to honor and protect it at all times.  I try to make sure I only send him love through our connection but sometimes I send doubt or fear even when that is never my intention.  But no- I am not content with only the soul connection.  He was in my life once as my Love and I want him back as my Love, my real life friend and lover and companion so I can hold him and kiss him again.  It is okay for me to want to talk to him again, want to send and receive sweet loving text messages like before.  Desiring a 3D connection really is alright.  I will never be fully content with less than that.  I may accept it and deal with it and appreciate the soul connection, and I do, but I was happier when he was here.  I try to focus on the love and the good memories but remembering how wonderful James is but having him not with me for so long is not the best feeling, even with the loving soul connection we have.  I love him and miss him very much. 

Along with this another friend told me not long ago that I need to get this done already.  I love her and she has been wonderful to me over the years but right now I don't need to hear how I am holding things up and that I need to quit trying and just do it.  But ever since then I've let myself feel like a TOTAL failure because I feel like I know what to do but I obviously have not been able to follow my own guidance completely.

So I am battling with myself right now.  Half of me feels like a total failure, a twin soul asshole.  I offer all this talk but don't walk to walk and here I am still apart from my twin and for the life of me I don't see much light at the end of the tunnel, and I've been in this for a long time.  Like wouldn't you think I know enough to get through it?  So why haven't I?  Is it because I am not good enough?  Have not tried hard enough?  Have not DONE enough?  Not focused enough?  Not prayed enough?  Not purged enough?  Not loved enough?  Am I just not "good enough?"  Am I spiritually immature?  Do I share too much?

Sometimes I feel like a laughing stock... like I should just give the fuck up now because I still ache, I still miss him, I still want him back and I don't feel like anything more than a strong single mother trying to live the most peaceful loving life I can for me and my son while I love my twin soul no matter what we go through.  It's nothing "special."  It's not all "spiritual" and "mission."  No- I had to leave work early yesterday because my son pooped his pants at school and I had to go get him and take his stinky little butt home to shower and then we used the extra time to go to the park.  As I pushed him on the swings he was so happy and he said he was lucky that I was home early, that he was having a great day.  And he said with a huge smile, "You make my life great mom."  *weeping* THAT IS ME, right there.  Not all "closer to God" and "You gotta get closer to the divine in order to reunite" or "This is all about you and God and knowing God and reading more spiritual shit and blah blah blah!"  That is so not me.  Being with my son at the park is me.  Mommy.  Total mommy.  I am just me.  And quite honestly I don't really WANT to be anything more than I am right now.  I am happy with who I am right now.  I'd be happier with my life if James were here but I really am content with who I am as a person.  So when my friend told me this, that I need to be stronger and just do this thing already and quit holding him up, well it's been bothering me ever since because my GOD I try so hard to do the best I can!

Sometimes I wonder if I should give up simply because I have no idea if I am progressing at all.  I have no idea where I am in this.  I feel lost right now in my union.  I feel like all I can do is stay single and faithful to him and love him as much as I can through my heart and wish for the best because I seem to keep... wandering off course and then I get shown this wandering, maybe.  Like I am being pushed back on track, hard, so I can't ignore the push.  All I know is I am really tired today and I want to just snuggle up and cuddle my kid.  I tell myself to stay faithful to James, and love James as much as I can, and protect and affirm his/our truth, love and memories and that is the best I can do, defending my dreams with him.  

Really hard day today emotionally.  I need a good cry.  I honestly feel like I am as strong as I can be at any given moment.  I don't think I could have done anything differently or anything more since he left and all this started.  I've come from a place where the mirroring terrified me so much I would almost shit myself, literally, and be unable to even THINK about James or put my pen to paper and write about him to this point where the mirror pretty much shows me what I need to see but beyond that I have no reaction to it.  Not much, maybe for like the first hour or the first day it happens I freak out a bit but then all I feel is FUCKING SAD THAT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS STILL NOT BACK.  I feel sad that I see this "mirror of what I am not doing right" or however it works, "Mirror of what I need to shift around" instead of the mirror of total love and truth so James can be his gentle loving self again.  I miss his gentle loving self so much that I ache.

I only feel sad that James is not with me.  I only feel sad because I miss the wonderful man I remember.  I don't get scared over the mirror or any of that.  I just feel totally sad over missing him.  I am heartsick.  My heart still aches for him.  I do try to live the most peaceful happy life I can right now.  I love and live in the moment, totally.  I want to because I need to enjoy every second of my son's childhood so I do.  One of my major goals in life is giving my son a joyful childhood and I do that well by staying aware.  But I still miss James and wish he was with us, all the time I wish he was with us.  I wish we were all together.

I ask myself, "What must my twin soul be thinking about me right now, truthfully.  Honestly.  Honestly what does he think of me right now?"  Ego wants me to think some stupid shit but my heart tells me he realizes I have fought hard through my fear to defend his truth, love and gentle character and he loves me for that.  My heart tells me that he respects my efforts and knows I am doing the best I can, always.  My heart tells me he wishes he could be his real gentle loving self towards me and comfort me and show me loving support and it hurts him to not be able to do this for me. My heart tells me that he really does want me all for himself so he hopes that I never wander off to someone else or desert him, leaving him out in the cold missing me and wanting to come back.  My heart tells me that he gives me the pushes I need in the only way he can, pushes to keep me moving forward so he can come back to me again.  My heart tells me that he does want to see me again one day, and he wishes it could be now. My heart tells me that these are all the things I should be thinking about myself too.

Yeah, that's what my heart says so I am going to listen to my heart.     

Hugs,

Jennifer