I don't mean for my blog to read like a smutty romance novel because our romance was by far not "smutty. It was not "lustful" but it was very passionate, romantic, deep and loving... special. Hugely loving and we had strong attraction towards each other. I still think I have never been able to fully comprehend the depth of James' attraction to me. I can't fathom it really. He was SO attracted to me that I didn't know how to even believe it. He told me constantly how beautiful I am. He gazed at me like I am some kind of Goddess and I'd blush and simply say "Thank you" while looking down and smiling after he'd look me square in the eye and say, "You are so beautiful."
I've written here before that we waited a bit to get naked. For two 40 year-old adults with plenty of private time alone in a darkened house... we waited a decent amount of time. Enough that as I look back I can see just how much he truly cared about me. Some time after he left and this "shift" happened he told me on the phone how glad he was that we waited to make love. He said it made it that much more special because I did not sleep with him right away. And I could not do that with James. Something about us felt so pure and real, so precious that I was realizing my innocence all over again. He affected me so strongly, his light so bright, that I felt all shy and "school girlish" with him. Like a high school boyfriend at 40. The teenage boyfriend I never had I found in James. It was simply the best time of my kife, the time I shared with him. Such a blessing and I know he's still with me No matter what. I know he loves me No matter what. And I adore him.
But pleasuring me!! OMG he is so sexy. I miss being intimate with James. He left at the height of our love affair, like when two people just started making the most passionate and amazing sex and love and all they wanna do is get each other naked and be close, kissing, intertwined, giggling and frankly fucking like rabbits. We only made love a handful of times before we separated. I didn't get enough time with him. *sniff* I do mourn the lack of his physical presence in my life. I remember how special and wonderful making love with him was. He was engrossed in me, completely magnetically attracted to me and he wanted to be down adoring between my thighs, lol! So James, making sure he'd make me feel so so good.
I adore every inch of him... and every inch is incredible. Every. Inch. I MISS HIM. In all ways. I miss making love with him. I want to kiss him and touch him and make him moan. There are so many more things I want to do with him in the bedroom. I wanna get him naked and make love and pillow talk for hours and hours. I do miss making love but I miss it with James. I miss being intimate with the man I was in the start of a beautiful intense romantic love relationship bad he was gone. I've never gotten over it; I still love him from the depths of my heart like I did then. Nothing changed for me. I'm still very much in love with my sweet Geologist boyfriend. I think I always will be. No other man could ever compare to him. He's all I want and my God I want him so much. I fantasize about him, us making love. Him looking down at me and saying I love you and telling me I'm amazing. I do kinda miss "sex" but I could NEVER ever settle for anything less that perfect true love, and to me James is my perfect true love. I may feel hopeless at times, totally not knowing where this will go so then I get tempted to meet someone new or do online dating or whatever but it's always out of fear never due to REALLY wanting someone else. I just don't want anyone but him.
I dreamed last night of being with a new man. It was so odd! I saw this man's face and everything. Blond hair... but in the dream he just did not "feel" right. He "liked" me but I didn't like him in the way I should a boyfriend. At one point in the dream he was hurting so I hugged him. I had this friendly caring love for him but I did not want to be his girlfriend.
So freaking weird. I can only assume it's my subconscious or Spirit speaking to me via my dreams because my Higher Self knows I only want James. And here is the thing... at this point I feel like my Higher Self or soul itself only wants James and I am being pushed really hard to just listen to my soul and stay committed to this path. I LOVE him so much, and I KNOW with every cell in my body that James totally fell hard in love with me. He adored me. He wanted to be with me always and talk to me throughout the day and he loved knowing what was on my mind and in my heart, and he ALWAYS showed me his HUGE gigantic beautiful love. He shined when he was with me. I know he loved me so so so much, genuine true caring compassionate, passionate, intense, magnetic amazing love.
I just know none of that changed. Nothing happened that would have changed anything. That love and strong magnetic attraction still exists. He wants to adore my body, kiss me for hours and be naughty with me again. He wants to treat me like a goddess and worship my ass- I KNOW he's aching to be with his Love again. Somewhere somehow he is out there and he's spent 29 long months longing to get back to me, just like I want him to. I know it. We are meant for each other. He told me he loves me and wants me to be his forever and that was even after this shift. Not time or distance matter. Love is what is important.
If I'm wrong then God will show me, eventually when I am done "learning" what I am meant to. I am willing to take the risk that in the end this is something different than what I HOPE for and what I feel I've been clearly shown but I think I'm right though. I'm not going to hide from him or never say hello or stop speaking my truth. BUT I learned that when I want something and I'm trying to manifest it, a Destiny that's already planned, but THEN I go and do something that totally negates my dreams... well it's not pretty. In order to manifest properly I have to know what I want and then put forth loving positive intention towards it through consistent focused energy that supports what I want, my dreams. What I canNOT do is know what I want, put energy and thought towards it but then ALSO do something or think something that moves me in the opposite direction of my dreams- that fucks up manifestation big time, or it instead manifests something I do NOT want. Basically I create the opposite of what I want when I do this. But I am learning! At least I see it! Awareness is always good. Even if it hurts a little.
But what happens when I get finally strong enough to know what I want and truly focus on it with loving intention and energy, always moving towards it and never away? For once? What happens when I'm finally able to focus ONLY on love and truth with no fear or doubt it anger? My feeling is he will reflect that to me. I put my faith there, that he will be able to be his genuine honest loving self at that time. This is why I know in my heart if I stay focused and loving, and if I'm always defending my dreams, I can express myself freely to him and he will only respond in a positive manner when he's able to reply, and I know one day he will. I think it's more about consistency and persistence than patience. Patience implies a passive waiting and being okay with waiting, being "patient." Where a consistent persistence means always working towards a goal, never straying off course, putting forth the effort and not giving up until the goal is reached. I'd rather work towards being consistent and persistent than rely on patience.
What I mean is there is no way if I am working on my energy and staying faithful and committed and thinking good stuff and remembering our love and his love for me, and if I am affirming his truth and goodness and if I am also affirming that he knows my truth and goodness then I can only receive messages in return from him {if he's meant to respond} that reflect this with loving, kind and caring energy. In short he'd feel like himself again to me, and he has not for far too long, and it makes me sad. I feel totally confident that James will only mirror me. And I'm growing stronger and more aware and brave so I know one day this will shift. It has to. He is a dear sweet man and I know he still loves me the same as he did the last time he kissed me.
I love him so much. Majorly in love. I know I'll never love this way again. He's too perfect for me. Everything about his precious self just does me in and makes me melt. And he's got a super duper amazing package. He's all I ever wanted, everything I've asked for, prayed for and imagined, in my life.
James is my dream come true. He's the only man I want. And I know he feels the exact same way as I do. He knows we are perfect for each other and he loves me greatly. I honestly feel my twin soul has ached to get back to me all this time.
I hope wish and pray I can make that happen. I'm ready to be his Strawberry Fields Forever.
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