Quick blog post this morning. My almost five year-old son and I are in Disney World this week! I'm blogging from my phone which I never do- I'm old school; I like my computer! But I wanted to say I can tell I'm guided from above. This trip has been exceedingly stress-free and magical- and I know it's no accident that we are here in the land where "Dreams come true." I'm told to DREAM DREAM DREAM and that song, this blog title, has haunted me but in a good way.
I was told years ago from above "If you can't dream it then you can't achieve it" and they were not kidding. Joron spoke my dreams to me and I ran from them in fear. Now I must bring them back, defend them and I will... and what better place than in the most magical location on earth ;)
But for right this moment I'm watching my little traveling trooper rouse from sleep after his first fun-filled night here. This is my first trip alone, planned myself, done as the sole adult in charge, in my LIFE. Daunting? A bit but it's all flowed smoothly and it came together divinely well- I know something is watching over me. I can literally feel it, and I'm thankful.
My son means the world to me. My own childhood was full of anxiety, fear, abuse, pain and stress. I want the opposite for him: just love and joy. And boy is he feeling that right now!
We are off to The Magic Kingdom today after the most "accidentally" magical first night ever! He gets to finally meet Mickey Mouse today, and Mickey's been his fave since he was a tiny little toot. So that's about it. We are in the land of making dreams come true. My son is living the dream right now; he has no discernment between reality and fiction. He thinks this is all real. His dreams are his reality right this moment.
It's Halloween time and I LOVE Halloween. I love in more than Christmas. I never liked Christmas until I had my son and now he's old enough to really get into Santa and the joy of Christmas. But I adore Halloween in all its spooktacular magicalness. I guess it's because I've always known I'm "different" and magic flows through my veins. As much as I love Halloween my last four, count 'em four, Halloweens have been spent with me being totally heartbroken. Last year Joron had "turned off" and went quiet on 10-18-13 and I honestly don't know how I made it through. But my son was only three and very excited about Trick-or-Treat and I remember telling God, "Please just get me through this for my son." Joron loves Halloween and we were supposed to visit some haunted houses and go picking pumpkins, on a hay ride and to a bon fire- all the stuff my ex-husband would not do with me and Joron said he wanted to do with me... as long as I clung to him all scared and girly when we went to the haunted houses. Then he moved away before we could do any of those things, and my heart was broken. Then he went quiet and my heart was crushed. Did I mention I am not sure how I survived? But Halloween night last year threatened rain that managed to stay away for Trick-or-Treat; I took photos of the big blustery grey clouds- totally perfect Autumn Halloween night, and I just prayed SO HARD. So hard.
This year I am still by myself with my son. But I don't hurt like last year, thank God That pain and fear is gone because I see truth, and I believe what I see. Without the doubt there is no pain. What there IS and I can't help this- is a HUGE love for Joron, and he is not here- so I miss him. I do. I love him and I want him in my arms again. That ache is there but the fearful pain is gone. That pain gutted me and allowed all the old shit to be released.
That said- I wanted to talk about fear and Joron for a moment. Now that the fear has disippated I can see the situation more clearly. Last year it was SO fucking scary. I feared he just LEFT me. Turned away from me, abandoned me. I can't even express just how terrifying it was to fear that this amazing angel of a man turned away from his promises to me. How he just stopped loving me BUT the irony is he even told me "I still love you." I just overlooked that part due to being blinded by FEAR. FEAR FEAR FEAR.
An analogy is The Haunted House. An old decrepit falling down house when viewed through fear has monsters hidden behind every corner just waiting to pop out and eat you up! Ghosts lurking under the creaky floorboards causing cold spots, vampires looming in dark corners longing to suck you dry. Evil scientists waiting in mist-filled rooms to perform devious experiments... the old house when seen through the eyes of FEAR seems scary and demented... but then by the light of day, when the fear has disappeared and TRUTH can be seen- the poor old innocent house is simply an old history-filled home, well-loved in its day with families and kids running through its warm bright halls, with now creaky uneven floors, drafty corners, misty spaces from broken windows that allow the cool night air to flow through... not evil. Not scary. No monsters. Nothing to fear.
That's how I see this thing with Joron now. When I was so filled with fear he became that scary haunted house, my monsters. I'd get an email in my inbox and I'd quake with terror wondering how cold he might be. Now that I clearly see this process it has allowed my fear to fade away. I KNOW this is of Spirit. I watch Higher Will "work" him. How can I be scared of HIM when I know the messages I received of him are meant to push me to own my truth? When I doubt any of this- that we are meant to have a future together, that he misses me like I miss him, that he could still love me, etc. etc. THEN channeled through him is him ignoring his truth. His truth is that he loves me and wants a commitment to me. UGH- so when I ignore that truth... I am not given it. And that really sucks, lol, because he then kinda becomes my "monsters." If I let it then those messages can feel like the scary haunted house when in reality, by the light of day, they are really just the old creaky time-worn house in need of a loving touch, some faith that despite appearances deep down inside it's that same warm love-filled space it once was.
Fear... can manipulate our reality if we let it. Fear is insidious and can make an innocuous innocent situation seem scary and wrong. But love can shift it back around to TRUTH.
Love or fear. Our choice.
For a long time I have doubted Joron's love. I didn't believe. And if he is my strongest mirror then he's been forced to "feel" that in some way. I've received glimpses of this from him. One time he told me I "stress him out." I think it is Spirit giving him emotion- he is "forced" to feel a certain way in order to stay away from me is how I see it actually- how else would the mirroring work? If he truly does love me and wants to be with me in his heart but he MUST act as my mirror because he is my twin soul then somehow that love is pushed to the side and some other dreadful emotion must be put into it's place so he stays quiet, wants to avoid me somehow. It sucks on my end for sure- bt how must it feel for him?
It is not my intention to be anything less than love but he has to come back now. But I don't often think of him, not enough. I don't consider how it must feel for him. I spend a lot of time wanting him back in my arms. I will hold him, kiss him and make love to him. I just love him and because I know he loves me too I feel we both are okay with saying we are going to be together. But I also don't want him hurting right now. I want him to feel okay and know my love, and understand that I don't need apologies.
I've worked so hard this last year- and one of the things I have learned about is the power of my intention. So it is my intention, here and now, saying my twin soul WILL be back soon. And I will hear from him, the real loving true him, soon. Like really soon. Like maybe tonight. Why? because I believe now. I know that my strong emotions makes change in my life, and the major change right now that I am manifesting is Joron back in my arms. We will be together forever.
Jenna Forrest says when they are finally there... to tread carefully. Like when he's finally with me I should be very gentle because I won't know what HE'S been through on his end. We don't normally take that moment to realize that it must be freaky and painful in some way for them too. I don't know much of how he feels so it is not as easy for me to empathize with whatever he might be feeling. I don't think walking away from me and being cold to me then later loving me hard and then again later disappearing again, ignoring his love's pleas to "Please don't ignore me again, please don't skip out on seeing me" must feel good to him. Maybe there is some guilt there? Maybe some pain? One would think- and all of it is inspired by my own emotions, doubts and fears. The love has come through when I have trusted truth but that has been few and far between. Not being hard on myself just honest. It has been quite a journey but now it is come time to take what I have learned, believe it any apply it so with that said- my love WILL be back soon. He loves me, and I love him with all my heart. He misses my kisses and desires to be in my life, my love. I know he wants to be my "boyfriend" and active love again. So I am going to make that happen. Co-creation I think it is called. I have been through enough to know that my soul gives me what I want most, and I want a life and family with Joron. I will have a life and family with Joron. I hope, I have a confident expectation, that it will all fall into place soon. I know that man is my husband, and I will dance with him and my wedding one day soon because when he comes back it will be full-force, so keeping us apart, together forever true strong intense pure love. I deserve for my love to be back with me now, so he will be- we will be kissing each other again soon, kissing away the last months and making room for tons of love.
Thee kissing had to stop between us in order to help me save my life... and it was a sad sad day when that happened, the last day we kissed. It was heartbreaking when my love walked out my door for the last time, and I still say had I known then what I know now I would have ran after him, thrown my arms around him, looked him deeply in his eyes and told him, "No matter what I will love you and trust you forever." But I didn't know. I only knew I was watching the love of my life walk to his car in order to drive to the airport the next day and fly 2100 miles away. I think this image above, and the sentiment, says a lot: what of soul was left when the kissing had to stop? Our kisses are PERFECTION- heaven on earth. Our lips locked together is a Love-generator shooting beams of Light and Love off into the universe. We "made love" simply through our kisses. Made love, created love. And I know we still do even though our kisses are not physical, and I know our lips will meet again soon.
I've been doing some thinking these last few days. And I've worked a lot with my guidance. I've written but in my journal because much of what I've written is too personal, and frankly a little boring, so it does not belong on my blog. I've come to a strange point in my journey, and here's where I am: I feel like I am pretty well healed. Yes- healed. Of course we all have continued to work, for eternity, as a soul until we reach our "soul retirement." I have lots more "Awakening" to do- we all do for the rest of our lives. Only people like Jesus and Buddah ever reach that fully Awakened state, and Lord knows it's doubtful I am ever going to get there, lol. BUT one thing I know for sure is I have overcome major amounts of fear and doubt in this last year. And to get me there Joron had to walk away from my love, and it was a HUGE love {still is} and he had to ignore his heart in order to listen to his soul guide him. I know this. I fucking KNEW it from the moment I got his first message telling me he was leaving for CA; it did not feel right to me. It felt orchestrated and out of place. I didn't believe he could just walk away from me like that. I knew he couldn't. And then this whole twin soul separation happened. It was just surreal. It did help to heal me but it hurt along the way, and I am ready for our separation to be over now.
You may read this and think "Just where does she get off thinking SHE can state when her separation ends? It's up to Spirit!" Well let's not forget about the power of intention and manifestation and belief. It is my belief that Joron left me for a reason, to help heal me, not because he was walking away from my love.
I feel like this is how Joron thinks of me: "Hooked on A Feeling."
Our love is strong. And when we dated it was OFF THE CHARTS. I've written about our kisses before, and if I could I'd share our kissing videos... it's obvious when I look at us kissing that we are meant to be, Kisses where time stopped. Kisses where heaven was felt... the earth could have stood still and neither one of us would have realized it. He came to my home knowing all he'd get was time shared with me and my KISSES, and God... I know he misses my kisses. I KNOW his song "Your Kiss Is on My List" is for a reason. On our last night together he walked in my house and said he'd heard our two songs played back to back on the radio, "Your Kiss Is on My List" and "Take on Me." Being an Atheist he tried to laugh it off but Spirit gives us messages like a slap upside the head- and I was supposed to hear that. And I know that my kiss IS on his list, and my kiss is what he misses at night.
He misses me. When we reconnected on the phone back at the end of May, when I finally gathered all my courage and heart and blasted out a message about our love after not speaking to him for about nine weeks {post found here: http://twinsoulssilenceisgolden.blogspot.com/2014/05/love-love-love.html} he immediately text me {text is a mode of communication Spirit only uses in this journey when it's supposed to really catch my attention} and asked me to call him. When we were on the phone he sighed so sweetly, so sadly, so full of genuine love and affection and longing and he said, "*my real name* I miss you." His voice was truth, that sad ache like "I need you now. Right now. PLEASE do this thing. But see- I feared, still. I still questioned. I was still going through my journey.
But I am THERE now. I KNOW he loves me! I fookin' know it, like deep down in my cellular structure I understand that we are eternally connected but at the same time I know that man is supposed to be in my life, right now.
And you know what? I am NOT scared at all. I miss the shit out of that man. I want to hear his giggle again. I want to see that sparkle in his eyes... his soul shines through his eyes, and he has a sweet strong soul. A soul he listens to very strongly.
I asked my soul this morning why we each "hear" differently. Joron seems to unconsciously "feel" our Higher Self instead of being conscious of the guidance like I am. I wonder if he feels what he sends me is his own thoughts and feelings, and if so then I have to own my truth really fucking quickly because that man is suffering. SUFFERING. Either he writes to me and forgets it later and it does not affect him, and for his sake I hope this is the case, or else he must feel like he is losing his mind. I am unsure which one it is but as my guidance says, he is "not normal." Joron is exceedingly psychic. But see I have to use my pendulum to get messages, well sometimes. I can tell now that Spirit talks to me outside of the pendulum through strong intuition, auto-writing, messages, signs, synchronicity, and especially songs. But I am often fully aware of my guidance. Joron is not aware. He just get nudges and follows them. He got the message that a career opportunity was waiting in CA for him and he followed his soul which told him "Get on a plane immediately and start this thing." He text me later, "I don't want to leave you." <---- TRUTH. He did NOT want to leave me. I know this all had to happen but I am still a little sad that he had to leave me, and I want him back ASAP.
I am a Highly Sensitive Person, an ENFP, and a Leo- fire sign. I LOVE making love. Like to me it is the best thing ever, better than a luxurious cruise or a day at the spa or a wonderful meal. I could live very very sparsely as long as I had lots of really good loving from the love of my life. Not just sex- plain ole' sex makes me sick. I need LOVE and lots of it. Hard, soft, long, quick, intense, giggly, sweet, sexy, close... and anywhere in between. Semi-private. Hard against the wall. Long and sensual for extended hours in bed- just give me lovemaking every day and I will be a very content woman BUT it must be with someone I am completely connected with on every single level" mind, body, heart and soul. Anything less is weak, cheap and unfulfilling. That said- I've been celibate since Joron left, and celibacy is not my most favorite state of being sexually. I did not get sex often from my ex-husband; he had an aversion to sex with me- we just did not mesh well. Then I dated, had sex with some of the wrong people, a few right people who I had to let go- but still the love making was few and far between. I deserve my love, my Joron, in bed with me, kisses every night just like we talked about. He always stressed that we'd have to make love every night, and honestly that was one of the things that keyed me in to the fact that our relationship was not normal. I had prayed for a man who would want to be close with me every day, one who wanted me fully in every way- and then Joron told me "You'll have to beat me off with sticks because I'm going to need you every night without fail." I was like... "Hmmm... too coincidental that he feels just like I do." And then we kissed and it was explosive; and we kissed for hours and weeks and full evenings leading up to making love and just the kisses were heaven, total connection. No accident. He is so MINE.
I have remained faithful to him when I had easy opportunity for flings. But I don't want a fling. I want my love. Drinking is behind me- I love and respect myself enough to not want to hurt myself. You know what? I adore myself. I am cute and soft and cuddly and I can see why people like me. I can see why Joron fell so hard for me so quickly, and I KNOW it could not be easy to turn off from me, and I know it can't be easy for him to stay quiet. It must hurt. I can't imagine having to somehow stay away from him... to put myself in his shoes I can't really even imagine how he must feel. We reconnected hardcore in March. He wrote to me at 2AM telling me "I can't sleep because I am up thinking of you. I can't wait to see your smile again, make you laugh and make love to you." He told me we needed to talk about our love, what to do about our love, because he made the "stupid" decision to move hundreds of miles away for the most perfect woman for him. He showed me so much love... his need to reconnect with me, and I feared it. And he had to leave again.
How fucking painful can that be? And before he did he sent me that eerie message that said, "I'm so sad you don't love me. I'm sad because I love you." And then he faded away but before he did he did email me and said, "Please don't be upset or offended by my silence," a true message from Spirit asking me to be aware that is was not his choice but his DUTY to leave me so I could continue to work through my issues. I think he'd send me those messages that said "I'm so sad you don't love me" because in fearing him and doubting him I was insinuating I didn't really love him- how could I love him if I doubted who he really was or if he truly loved me? It was like I was saying "I don't trust that you are a good person" and in turn that was me insinuating I didn't love him. It's not important now because I know it was of Spirit to get my attention but that's what the message must have been for me. And it happened a handful of times, that message, always telling me "Please stop doubting me!" But again, to think of how strongly I love him, and having to walk away from that love, I can't imagine how hard that would be. He can't feel wonderful right now.
I know he misses me. My prayer is for us to be together soon, to edify our love for each other. It is time now. You know what I want? I've always said I want him back... I love him. But I know he is hurting. I remember how he walked into my house after our one argument and how sad and sorry he was- HE needed MY love. I want to give him my love. He's been through the wringer too, and I want to be able to hold him and love him and make it all better. I really do. We both need that- love-healing. We really need to be in each others arms again making it all better. Until then I am not content. I am human- and until we are back together and I can love him, kiss him, look him in the eyes and tell him it's all okay- my heart is frustrated. I want to make it better- I don't want him hurting either, and he should be loved by me again. I know that is what he wants, and it's what we both deserve now. And for the record- I don't want or need "I'm sorry." Fuck "I'm sorry." All I want is for him to walk in my door and into my arms- no words are even necessary. Just kisses. Kisses will cure the silence, the strange otherworldly emails, the distance and all the rest. Once he is here in front of me we will both melt. He does not need to say "I'm sorry." I only ask that he be brought back to me so I can show him just how much I love and appreciate him... I am a nurturer and I want to make it all better now. Some may read this and groan. Think I am so attached, sick in love, whatever. It's not that. I just know if my son was hurting I'd want to comfort him, and I love Joron in a similar fashion. I know this has taxed him as it has me, and I long to comfort him now. Just love.
A-ha's "Take on Me" is playing as I write this, on Spotify. LOL. I SO know he's coming for me soon. I just KNOW it. There is no other way, none. I know all of this is truth, and it being truth means when I realize that I am healed and whole, "illness" wiped out, and that I HAVE fulfilled my part of the mission, and when I realize and know fully that he loves me and misses me, then sooner or later Higher Will is going to get seriously tired of my mantra of "please please please please please please please please please pleassssssseeeeeee bring my love back to me now! Pleasssssssssseeee!" and finally throw its hands up in the air and go "Okay already- reunite!" In other words- I AM that "Fierce Tigress of Love" that my guidance told me I was before I met Joron: I do not give up. I am a fighter... and I will not walk away from this. It's obvious that it's happening. It's obvious it's "from above" because it's helped to heal me and make me a much much stronger more fearless woman. I am even learning to stand up for myself now- and that is something I have had a hard time with in the past. I'm having a 3D issue at work and sooner than later if it does not change then I am facing it and ensuring it does not continue. I deserve to be treated with full respect, not have someone riding my ass all the time. Work is so 3D- a blessing of course but not my life. I have a son and a joyful mental state to defend- my job is not my life. It is a means to an end and "the world" cannot tell me any different because I refuse to listen.
Anyway- this experience has changed me for the better. I am defending my life and my Light now. And I know all this back and forth with Joron, the love mixed with plenty of cold and even downright cruel messages {he recently told me "don't bother me anymore" but I blew it off and it went away just like all the other nonsensical messages from Spirit that I am supposed to find the veiled meaning in and leave the shit alone} has been to strengthen me and get me to defend my truth and belief. My guidance calls those messages from Higher Will that are channeled through him "nonsense." He sent me something the other day and actually referred to what he was writing as "nonsense." *deep sigh* I'm so done with the nonsense. I only want my love back.
And this one: "For Once in My Life"
Yes- for once in his life he found a woman who would love him without fail, and I have. I have faced fear down and held on to the love. I have refused to believe that nonsense is truly him. Of course it was scary and I doubted at times but now it has clearly been shown to me that this is some kind of... play. A stage play where I am being shown through fake messages what I need to change inside me in order to get this where it needs to be. Truth, complete truth, is what I need to know, defend and hold close to my heart. I have spent a long time worrying about California. How can I move there when my life is here? And you know what? I don't think, had this twin soul thing happened, he would have left without me. Or else he would have made damn sure I was coming along- somehow. Or else he would have stayed here, even after only knowing me six weeks. Those six weeks of love were, like he said, six years condensed down into six weeks. People fall in love in a night. I fell in love with him the first day we emailed. His heart was evident through his words, and once I heard that sweet soft loving voice I was... his. California is not an issue. Cali was part of the fear, part of the doubt... one night he told me on the phone if he met just the right woman with a good family who loved him then maybe he would not want to leave, and guess what? THAT IS ME. I AM the good woman with the good family who he would not have been able to leave had he not HAD to in order to ensure I was healed... to ensure I would not doubt my gifts, my ability, my heart and myself forever. He had to leave for two reasons, and I see these very clearly.
So I would defend my life as I was not paying much attention to valuing myself or my life- too much inner turmoil and old hurts and fears that needed to be healed.
So I would finally fully believe... believe in love and in The Divine.
Those, in my opinion, are the two main reasons why he had to leave. And as of today I have achieved healing and of course I believe in The Divine and its heavy role in my life. I am reallllllyyyy working to fully surrender to my soul. I don't know many people who live their lives based on what their soul wants of them, and I really try to do this. My soul knows better than I do, and I am confident that my soul has an amazing life ahead for me and all I have to do is trust and have faith and then my destiny will fall into place, and I know Joron is part of that destiny. He is so my wonderful husband in the future, the loving father of my next child, and the supportive caring step-daddy to my son... and somehow I don't think I am going to have to go to Cali to make all that happen. I am handing that detail over to The Divine and not worrying about it any longer. Know why?
Because of those kisses. Those kisses are truth. Those kisses said, "I can't bear to part from you." he was gone for a week when he first went to sign his contract then he came back and saw me for two days. We were sitting here on my couch all entwined in each other, lip locked and close, and coming up for air he looked at me and said, "It's only been seven days and we are like this {out of our minds in love} are you going to be able to make it?" It was and is painful being separated from him. I don't want it anymore, and I feel we both deserve to be together again.
I was told our combined mission was for him to help heal my Light in any way possible and for me to love him, trust him, and know the real him through it.
Check, and check. Mission accomplished.
I know many people talk about spiritual practices. Yoga and reiki and meditation. Living a really pure clean lifestyle etc. etc. I live MY life. I write- that is my spiritual practice. It is MY gift and I practice it; writing helps me heal. No amount of yoga or meditation will help me as much as my writing will. I don't entirely believe that going to reiki or meditating every day is going to "cure" a person. Why? Because one must go inner and face her demons, her fears, and face them down in order to heal. I've had to face my monsters and it was not easy. But I made it through.
And for sure this one *swoon:"
God I love this song. He told me he'd waited for a woman like me. He had two heartbreaks before me and all I want to do is LOVE him fully, love him like he deserves, and I know he wants to love me too- wants to treat my like a princess and be a gentleman with me. He wants to touch me tenderly, and kiss me gently,.. for hours. Yes I know I can trust him. He has helped heal me and I remember the "real" him; I've had glimpses of that man. No matter how crazy our communication can be he ALWAYS mentions kissing me. It has been the one thing that has stuck out to me through all of this: he always says he wants to kiss me, says he's never kissed anyone like me, and he wished he could kiss me every night.
I can't really say much more, you know? I feel like I am nearing the end and for now I need to simply relax, be good to myself and cherish the love we have for each other. Many people in my life actually DO believe me. They see the pattern, and a few of them have begun to experience their own prayers being answered or major signs and synchronicity. God has blessed me with challenges as well as blessings, and my blessings are those who love me unconditionally and who support me in my undying love for Joron- my desire to continue to work towards once again being in the arms of my love, forever.
We deserve to be together again. We have both played our roles well- I would have to say we have been two strong twin souls. I refuse to turn from him. I love him in the face of fear. I LOVE HIM and know I will see him soon. My son and I should soon be on a plane to see him, or he's going to be on a plane coming to see us. I just know we will see each other soon- there is nothing standing in our way. I know our Higher Soul loves us and wants us back together, so it will happen. We are perfect together and our shared love WILL help Light up the world.
And again, as a reminder:
Plus I really love this song- my heart's truth- miracles really DO happen: A Time for Miracles
Your Kiss Is on My List... I know I will be looking into his beautiful eyes soon.
Self-Love. We read about it ALL the time in twin soul information. One must love herself completely before the union will be balanced. I've been on a three year-long journey of hard-core healing in order to learn to love myself. My guidance over the years has had to tell me constantly, "rotten not" which means I AM NOT ROTTEN. Oh yeah- it's been bad. Really bad. So bad that in order to start getting my past my self-loathing my guidance had to resort to "hitting" me with my own thoughts about myself. This happened a few years back and it was the beginning of a turning point for me but it's taken a long time for me to truly see. Back then I was told terrible things about myself but they were only what I felt inside {Spirit knows you, right?} Spirit always knows- and I would sit and argue with Spirit when I was told I am a loving good person. I'd cry and snot all over the place insisting I was horrid and that God could not possible love me. Fun times. Finally Spirit switched it up on me and I entered into my second Dark Night of The Soul that almost pushed me to suicide for the first time. Nasty dark scary shit was told to me about myself... it was a difficult journey that ended {that portion ended} with me walking away from spirituality for a short time to sort out my truth. I finally screamed at my guidance that I did not deserve to be treated that way, that I would not take it any longer, and I was told... that finally I stood up for myself. That I needed to end this path of only learning from torment and self-loathing. I was being given a huge dose of tough-love. My guidance said to me, 'What, you don't like it? It's nothing THAT YOU DON'T ALREADY TELL YOURSELF." And it was truth. I was horrible to myself inside and out back then. I was self-critical about my inner, my outer, my mothering skills, my ability at my job, my ability to be a good friend or family member. I told myself I was a bad neighbor, unorganized, dim-witted. You name it and I ridiculed myself, shamed myself, or beat myself up over it. And Spirit was not about to let me live like that so my first big learning through fear happened the shook me up badly. I was told, in the end, that my guidance loved me entirely and hurt having to teach me the hard way but it was the only way to shake me up; treating me gently did not work. I walked away from Spirit for a while, returned about six months later. In that six months I scheduled to meet a man who wanted to hurt me. I wanted to die. This man totally desired to meet me, like couldn't fucking wait. What he had in mind- I was fresh meat. The day we were to meet I sent him my contact info and where to meet me... and the email bounced back as undeliverable. I tried again- and it was if he no longer existed. The evening before his email had worked fine but suddenly he fell off the face of the earth and I never heard from him again. I realized at that moment that my life was very much protected and God was not going to let me go without a fight. That was end of winter 2012. After that moment I was reunited with a prior soul mate who I loved until I had to let him go right before I met Joron in Summer 2013. I know I was brought together with the soul mate because I was wounded and in need of healing badly; without him in my life I may not have made it through. I recall one night sitting at home just keening. In pain. Dying inside. I thought, "God I just need a hug! A hug! I need someone to hug me!" Soul mate called me out of the blue, something he rarely did {he was married.} He was at the mall not far away. He said, and I will never forget this, "I just felt like you needed a hug." Well- due to trying to stay away from a married man, even thought I fucking loved him SO much, I told him no. He said okay and hung up. Spirit said to me, "You asked for a hug and God answered you. Who are you to judge who God gives hugs through?" So I contacted him and he drove over and hugged me for a half hour. Kissed me a bit but it went no farther than that. Just the hugs. Soul mate love and healing is just... out of this world. I was working at getting stronger, learning, growing. Owning unconditional love. Knowing how to eventually let go. And it all prepared me for meeting Joron, and it also continued me on my journey of learning to love myself.
"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself as much an anyone in the entire universe deserve your love and affection." Buddah This is a statement I'd always heard but never took to heart. Now after knowing Joron I can understand what is being taught to me. I really need to love myself as much as I love him and as much as I love my son. I love my son SO so so much. We laugh and hug and cuddle and I adore the stuffing out of that little boy. I am a very loving nurturing mother. I excel at motherhood. It's like I was born to be a nurturer but do I love myself the same? Not really. There is nothing my son could do to make me not love him or judge him, ever. Even if he did something horrendous I'd be there for him- even if I had to own that he did something wrong I'd love him. I'd never leave him. This is how God feels about us too. He loves us no matter our "miss takes." Our learning. He wants to save us, and often God must try to save us from ourselves. Through this entire twin soul journey I have held on to my love for Joron as he helps to teach me, to open my eyes, to enlighten me. It has hurt. His words have been cruel and cold. The other night he wrote to me to "have a nice life" and to "not bother him anymore" but this was mixed in with telling me he wanted to come get me pregnant, love me, so we could spend the rest of our lives together. Higher Will is trying to tell me something. I knew it then and I knew it this morning and I KNEW I just was not getting it. It can't be that I don't love him- I honestly don't doubt him any longer. I can tell he's being channeled through. I appreciate him for it, and I miss him- but this is now more about me finding my way through these lessons. What am I being shown?
Last time before this that I heard from "Joron" {Higher Will working through him} was August. I fell into believing he was ignoring me, blowing me off, that I was not worthy of him seeing me, and I got a message that hit me hard. He said he was sorry he lead me on all year but he decided he couldn't do it... because he "didn't want to deal with my son's father. Like ever, never ever and so on." Well Joron NEVER said anything like that. Actually he told me he wanted to get my son and I out to CA with him to have a better life; he experienced how my ex treated me and he did not like it one bit. He said he wanted to be a good step-dad to my son. I KNEW those specific words had meaning for me, "not wanting to deal with my son's father." Well back then *I* was not dealing with his dad. I was still paying his cell phone bill. I was basically letting him take advantage of me. He's not a bad man but I am pretty darn sure Spirit was giving me a strong message to take a stand, stand up for myself. So I did. I knew that message from Joron was bogus, and it was because when we "communicated" the other night- not another word about my son's dad was mentioned. It was as if he never said it. He actually started his first message with the words, "I miss you too. I really do." He does miss me but still something is unbalanced, something I'm not getting...
All done trying to pretend to be "normal" I am me. No one else. Me. I can't help it if I have been fighting, literally, for my LIFE over these last few years so maybe sometimes I fail to fit into the cookie cutter expectations others might have for me. I am SO fucking DONE not being me, being ashamed of myself, and I am done not realizing my own accomplishments. This last year I have overcome SO much. OMG. Like... holy SHIT. And do I ever claim it? Nope. Do I ever own just how sweet I am? NOPE. All I do is pay attention to my "flaws" which are not really flaws but simply my idiosyncrasies. I AM NOT LIKE MOST OTHERS. I am different. I am me. ME. I have done what my Higher Self has asked me me. I have written MILLIONS of words over this last year, documented everything- tried to help others while trying to fucking survive myself. I have nearly 11,000 hits on my blog- someone is reading this... and I hope it's helping.
I have to really start loving myself in order for Joron to be a part of my life like I want him to be; I think his "coldness" is him hitting me with my own feelings about myself. I think that when we are told we cannot be with our twin souls until we achieve SELF LOVE what happens is much of the shit we feel inside about ourselves is reflected back to us via them; this is why they can seem so mean and cruel at times- because the more shit we feel inside about ourselves the heavier the silence is from them, or the communication seems insane because of all the mirroring. And I know often this is mutual, back and forth. As I've said over and over- I only send him love since I see clearly the process... to me this tells me he is pretty straight. It's me who has needed some clearing out.
Spirit said something to me today that made me cry. Said I was to believe in the "gentle gem" and I've always thought Spirit was speaking of Joron, of believing in him, my "gentle gem." I asked "Who is the gentle gem?" and immediate my name was spelled out. I have not, still, been accepting or loving myself enough. I am afraid to accept my goodness or my Light, like it isn't true since I am not "perfect." How sad is that, my friends and blog readers? If anyone of you have been reading this blog for a while the one things that is clear is I am a walking ball of love. Why should I fear that or doubt it or be afraid to own it?
This has been one hard wild ride and I will tell you what- I feel I've done all this pretty well.
I have refused to give up on Joron but maybe it is time to realize I need to defend myself, know myself for who I truly am: Love.
Oh I know self-loathing. We've been frenemies in the past, and self-loathing is something I always have to be aware of because its insidious draw can be quite strong at times. Fuck self-loathing. I am a damn good person and none of us should feel embarrassed, egotistical or guilty for loving ourselves hugely.
I just thought this was a beautiful painting; she's so peaceful and content in hugging herself; we should all hug ourselves more.
As a child I had no idea what self-love was. I had the self-love beat out of me; it was replaced with shame, guilt, embarrassment at being myself, humiliation, self-hatred, self-loathing and the wish that I could be someone else... anyone but me. I'll make a separate post about my life. I once wrote about it, felt guilty and deleted the post. But it is MY past. Mine. I endured it. I have forgiven those who have hurt me but for God's sake I can at least write about it anonymously without feeling guilty.
It's taken this twin soul union, along with my prior soul mate relationships, to understand the importance of SELF-LOVE. Oh yeah. I am thinking that this is my last hurdle. It is okay for me to accept and understand that I am doing a, gasp, GOOD JOB in my twin soul union. I've been the most hard on MYSELF. Hard on myself because I've been scared, have lacked faith at time- but SHIT I have believed enough that I've stared fear square in the face and refused to cave to fully thinking Joron could ever be so mean. I just do not believe he is anything less than love and somehow Spirit uses him to clearly show me how hard I can be on myself. I think that is what is happening now. I do love him. I know him. But do I love ME? Am I still being hard on me? I'm dismissing my own goodness and it's time I finally stop beating the shit out of myself and realize that I am love. I am GOOD. OH MY GOD. I AM GOOD. I am perfect just how I am. Right now. Typing this blog, enjoying my first day of vacation by sitting on my ass doing nothing much, getting ready to soak in the tub, no yoga in sight {that's a joke- I hate yoga but feel I am supposed to be doing it, lol.}
There have been signs leading up to this realization. I will share them in another post.
I would find it very enjoyable if, for once in my life, I could just let go of my self-flogging and know I am a great person. Not "even though" or "but" JUST: I am a wonderful person. I can, am able to, am supposed to, love myself and forgive myself as much as I do my twin soul and my son. I am invited to love myself as much as I love my twin soul and my son. God wants that from me. How amazing and freeing is that?
I love myself. I've battled through the dark and come out on top. I listened. I learned. I loved. I *never* let go of the love no matter how dark and unbelievably scary it got... and I always knew, even just a tiny glimmer in the worst moments, that he's loved me through all of this. I am meant to love MYSELF now, was supposed to all along.
Let's chew on that for a while. We are INVITED to love ourselves like Jesus loves us, with no conditions. Affections without limitations.
Twin soul unions ask us to be different than the world. They ask us to understand our lessons and accept our healing. They ask us to embrace Love no matter what, strong unconditional love for ourselves, our twin souls {who may seem like they are "hurting" us to no end} and for humanity. They ask us to stare disappointment in the face and learn how to be stronger for overcoming said disappointment. DISAPPOINTMENT. Many of us have faced it in different ways in these unions. We all know there is a certain loose "pattern" to twin soul unions. They pop in and say "Hey I am thinking of you! Say hi later!" and then after we lose our minds over the contact we also reach out later to say hello and are met with silence. Nothing. *crickets chirping* And then we feel disappointment. As we progress then those disappointing situations can grow even larger. The worst one for me was this past August when Joron said he was *finally* back home and then didn't see me. Said we'd meet on Friday and then again did the ole' disappearing act. I fell into it in the end, caved to thinking he was just avoiding me out of choice instead of holding on to my lessons. But I really did know what was happening, and I referred back to Jenna Forrest's e-book about twin souls where her guidance CLEARLY states that our twin souls will, at times, present as cruel and crushing, hurtful, in order to force us to face our issues. They will also set us up for disappointment so we can come to terms with overcoming that disappointment. It is only when we can *yawn* or say "meh" in the face of yet another disappointment that we are truly healing. IT IS ONLY WHEN WE UNDERSTAND NOT TO BLAME OUR TWIN SOUL AND INSTEAD REALIZE WHAT THE MIRROR IS SHOWING US THAT WE PROGRESS IN OUR UNION. Blame your twin soul and then it will be highly unlikely that you will ever reach reunion. Now that I realize it is actually Spirit setting me up to be STRONGER I don't freak out inside, well not much. I still have a little fear which is part of my journey, stripping away the fear and clearly seeing the lesson. It's still not the most fun shit in the world but I'm learning to know the disappointment for what it truly is: testing me to see if I am overcoming my fear of being abandoned and rejected as well as... am I listening to what I've been told to do for months now? More on that below.
These things do take time, don't they? I don't believe there is some "set" time out there for us each to reunite. I think it's based on when we get there. When we truly awaken to the lessons, own the love, heal, surrender, and get there. When we energetically balance out, intent the joyful stuff instead of believe the ego-based fear stuff, then Spirit will bring us together with our twin souls.
Just had to throw this one in there- 'tis very me- I am choosing to walk the road less traveled in believing in what I am being shown, and having hope. Also never letting go of the Love- I refuse to give up on my twin soul. Also just in the way I live my life. I choose to buck the system and be supportive when others are doubtful. I say "Go ahead and take the risk- make the move that others are saying is "too soon" or too scary or 'what if it doesn't work out?'" Too many people live though FEAR- I am learning not to, and it shows in my attitude. I no longer consider myself Christian and will speak my mind on how nonsensical I think religion is. I walk a different path than some choose to, and I am cool with that. Very thankful and appreciative to be different :)
Know there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Honest. God or Life is not just hurting you or punishing you even if it feels like it sometimes. There is purpose to your challenges, and success will come in the end if you let it.
I really like this last one: stop questioning the tests. We truly are only given what we can handle, and although I rarely say this about myself, I am given a lot because I am STRONG and I can handle a lot. This is why I write the blog- because I am shown very clearly what is happening in my twin soul union and I feel that what I am shown can help others. And I have a lot to say, LOL! I am an ENFP {Meyer's Briggs Personality Test- look it up if you want to know more} so I am a "champion for people." I like to share my guidance because I know it's good stuff that can help other people. It's not "me." I am only the channel who is trying desperately to apply it correctly to my life.
I have been told to do something in this twin soul union for months now. It seems to simple and unrealistic that I have ignored it. It scares me. It's all very inner and about belief and where I want to put my energy. It's about creating my own future with my energetic intention... and I have not really committed to doing it, and it shows in Joron's communication to me. Clearly. Spirit is pushing it back at me, and I am really ready now to do it. So you will ALWAYS find me writing with Love, hope, faith and commitment to Joron and MYSELF. If this annoys you or frustrates you, well I can't really help that. I am beyond being challenged at this point; I know my truth and can't be swayed. For all of you choosing to cling to 3D "free will" and "God wouldn't work like that" and "My twin is just a narcissistic mean asshat who ignores me and I don't want to deal with it any longer so I am cutting cords and moving on because I am better than that" I am here to tell you that free will is not what we all think it is, and YES- God works in mysterious ways and you are avoiding looking in the mirror. This is not to say we should let people abuse us. I divorced my husband because he would not respect me; he was actually disrespectful and I did not want to be treated that way. But he is NOT my twin soul. He was, I'm sure, a mirror to an extent but he was hurtful even when I was trying. Even when I was praying. Even when I was good and loving and kind- there was no obvious "mirroring" like there is with Joron so there is the difference. Twin souls are rare- when you KNOW you are in one then you can no longer look at the world in the same way. The mirroring becomes obvious if you are willing to become aware enough to see it. If you want to remain in the dark then you are not going to see the Light.
I wish you all well. I'm very excited that today is my last day at work for two weeks. I am taking my adorable little tootmonster son to Disney World for our first big mommy-son trip. Life is good despite the challenges, and one day I know Joron, my son, myself and our child will be traveling together too.
I had a strange, otherworldly and totally eye-opening experience last night. But first let me tell you that watching these 'Symphony of Science" videos brings my little scientist back to me in a heartbeat. He would share them with me and my son and I would watch them. They ARE him to me.
Last night I decided to write to him. He responded, and this is what I need you to understand if you find my blog and read this. IT WAS NOT HIM. I was actually told by my Higher Self "Feel me working through him." We emailed for two hours and very little was him. Maybe a wee bit. He misses me. But I was pushed, prodded, challenged and made to face my fears. It was a surreal exchange that really does not need to be repeated but by the time we were done I was oddly comforted- it IS Higher Will running this show.
I don't care who you are. I don't care what you do. I don't care how much you heal, the reiki you get or learn, I don't care how many blogs you write, how many people you counsel- Higher Will IS in charge. You can fight that fact as long as you want to; I sure know I have. I have fought, been scared, been skeptical. When he first went quiet and cold it about killed me, and I've had a very hard time swallowing all of this journey. It's like my HEART knows my truth: He is an amazing man! Sweet, balanced, wanting a relationship. Joron wants to climb in bed each night with me. He wants to hold my hand, make babies with me. Treat my like a princess, be a gentleman- and Higher Self has been pushing me this entire time to hold on to my TRUTH- despite what I am shown through him.
And it was sent home last night. I must MUST must bring him back in my heart as close as I can. It is about the love, at least for me, and I am going to say that for twin souls, twin flames, it IS about the unconditional love. Knowing who they really are no matter what they show us. I think this is where twin souls are falling apart. We can't look in the mirror. We run off. We blame them {and this is hugely damaging!!} We turn to the arms of others for solace... and reunion never happens. And when this happens then twin souls get a bad rap. People get mad and disappointed and then blame the universe. I DO! I have, all the time. I did just yesterday. "Why do I have to go through this? Why ME? Why why why. Why so hard. Why so long. Why so... blah blah blah." Why is he so mean to me? Why is he doing this to me? All that silly bullshit.
Hello victim mentality!
He's freaking helped HEAL me. The man was deeply strongly purely in love with me {and still is} and at the drop of a hat he listened to his soul and left his love. His heart was gutted too. He hurts. I just don't allow myself to see it and am afraid to believe it because it would mean he, gasps, loves me. But fuck I've felt it! He's shown me that love, his longing, and I ignored it. He's totally shown me that he misses me and wishes he was with me right now but I blew it off because I have a problem with ignoring love. I've had resentment inside me for him, even after all this. It's been very hard to clean myself out entirely- but I have to now. It is a MUST. It is not fair to my twin soul to NOT believe in him, and I'm sad that I have been so tempted to think of him as a monster. My cute adorable wobbly bow-legged sweet-as-pie Geologist. The answer to my prayers. My rocks. My heart and soul.
This has been a scary journey but thank God it's only been one year and I am seeing. It is about Love and healing, and don't let anyone tell you it's not about the love because without the love reunion is not going to happen. It just is not. If you need to back off- back off but keep that love inside. Heal thyself but keep that love inside for your other half. Know the real person, not what Higher Will is showing us through this person in order to help you heal.
I am not saying Joron is "perfect." None of us are perfect. He is only perfect to ME. He is... just wonderful in my eyes, and I will always think that. And it is so comforting to have Higher Will tell me and show me that I can just surrender now and believe in him. It's okay. I don't have to have this hugely spiritual lifestyle. I don't have to be perfect. But I do need to love, and I do. I do- and that is very important right now. I know who he is, and I have to nurture that man in my heart. The man I knew.
I will tell you why- when I resist remembering him or trusting in him or having a small fear that maybe, just maybe, some of this COULD be him- I get that mirrored back to me. Do you understand? Whatever I believe him to be, wherever I place my energy in this, is what is shown to me from him. Last night it was weird. I'd say he was weird but it clearly was not him. It was Higher Will working through him for two hours straight, and I've watched this happen before with him. Not of this world.
I can take it. I don't mind that we talked again about him coming home soon, that he said a mix of cold and warm stuff, that he dropped away without a good night. I did my best to own my truth, and I told him over and over that I love him- and I do. I can look in that mirror now. I see that it is our Higher Will forcing me to believe. I am okay with that. And I am pretty sure now I am supposed to REALLY concentrate on the man I know him to be. I am free to love that man, his goodness and Light. He truly truly is a sweetheart, and I am committed to bringing us back together.
In my situation I have always attested that it is my energy which has guided this thing. I needed some major healing, big time inner work to be done. Joron always said he was cool. A good guy. Happy. No hang ups, loving childhood. He is sure of himself. Financially stable. Hard worker. Moral. Kind, Peaceful. I don't know how it works but I just don't see him as majorly flawed. Actually I don't feel majorly flawed either. I could have been a lot worse than I was. And one thing I am really happy about- I have not been mean to my twin soul. I've doubted and yes I've shot some shit to him in my head although I try to keep that reigned in. Right now we are separated because I have not fully believed in my truth, in the man who was shown to me. I get scared and doubt. I let the fear 3D advice from others sway me. And it's time for me to stop that.
Again it was shown to me that Higher Will can and will, and does, "use" him freely. And I mean instantaneously. Over and over. He treats me whatever way my guidance wants him to in order to make me SEE. Nothing I say or write or want is going to make a difference until I embrace my truth, that loving guy, again- fully. Cleansed of all resentment and fear. Just love.
JUST LOVE.
I know some of us have a hard time with that. I've read all the excuses. Out of fear we make excuses. We say twin souls are supposed to be separated, only for the healing. FUCK THAT- God would not be so cruel! NEVER. Where the hard part comes in is we are expected to OWN OUR SHIT and not many people can do that or are willing to do it.
I am. I am not running. I am in this for the long haul. I refuse to let my sweet twin soul flounder around out there hurting inside begging me energetically to believe in him so he can come back to me. That's a sad sad thought that I would turn from him after all he's shown me. Never. I don't care if I have to be alone for a while longer. Or that I miss him. Or that I long to kiss him- those things just mean I love him. I will hold out for my hero. For my rocks. My little Science Trip.
I think anyone who truly feels she has met her twin soul will agree it does not go smoothly. I have not read one account of twin souls who come together with no separation. Most I've read about are separated and not reunited, and most are dealing with that eerie surreal twin soul silence that inspired me to write this blog. That said, I've had a few people challenge me recently about the information on my blog and I am going to write my feelings about this here because it is my platform, and I enjoy utilizing it speak my mind.
It has been one full year now since Joron went quiet. He moved to CA and three weeks later went quiet. When he left for CA I was sad inside, obviously. But Spirit was asking me to be strong. He is a good man and told me very specifically that he wanted a future with me and my son. He told me I would have to take a giant leap of faith for him. He said he wanted me in CA. He told me to come to CA and be a writer and he'd take care of me and my son. And what did I do? FEARED. I went back and read some messages I'd sent to one of my best girlfriends after Joron left. I was resentful. Scared. Jealous. I was TOLD by Spirit to love him as if he was still here. I was being pushed to... finally heal. I just could not do it, and I don't feel about that. I was either drinking to escape, or I was battling feeling resentment over him being somewhere fun, or going to dinner with a friend, or enjoying his new job, or going to the casino. He felt it too, felt it more because Spirit ensured he did. He was gong to out to watch the game one night and I wrote something very straight but inside I was kind of seething, irrationally. He called me out the next night on the phone, read me like a BOOK. I never could understand how he'd see through all of my cleverly-hidden forced "sweet" words when inside I was not happy. I tried to wear my masks and he saw through all of them! I didn't realize he was my twin soul at that time though- I just thought he was a soul connection but more my love and my boyfriend who I wanted to be my future husband.
One night I finally caved. He'd been busier than normal, getting over being ill. He had not called for a few nights, and I was also probably being tested. I wrote to him that I felt he was not "making me a priority" and he felt horrible. He emailed and said he was so so sorry, didn't mean it, felt awful and would try harder. He ended that message with "Just remember I love you and want you to be my future."
A stable balanced woman would have let it go. But no- I woke in the early morning and sent him something petty, not horrid at all but I *wanted* him to feel guilty. I was feeling crappy, mad, sad, desperate, and fearful. I needed to be healed. I am still torn- I almost feel like Spirit helped me write the message because it flew out of me at 3AM. And his response to it was cold, Blunt. Short. Not at all like him, He said, "Real nice Rose. I don't need your guilt." Well I'd wanted him to feel guilty and he did. Spirit works that way. That is the night I came home, drank whiskey, passed out and he text wanting to talk. said "I do love you." But I was out- gone on the drink, and I missed him. I didn't hear from him after that for three weeks.
*POOF* Gone. Just gone. I thought I'd DIE. It was fucking horrible, the worse pain EVER. Like just kill me now because I can't handle feeling this horror any longer painful. And it's been a year since that moment. And so so so much has changed for me. I want to review here on my blog the things that I have discovered about myself, healed from, overcome, etc. from this twin soul union.
It has transformed my life.
But before I do let me say something. I DEFEND Joron. I am not "defensive" in my stance. Or maybe I am. The root of "defensive" is DEFEND, and defend him I will. I sat today and charted out our entire separation and how my energy would affect him. Never one time, not once, did he ever shoot me anything other than what I was sending him energetically. If I was feeling love then his love was able to come through. If I was feeling shitty or crappy or doubtful or fearful then he was either quiet or in the worst moment, mostly inspired by my drinking, he'd reach out with something cold or in the end even scary cold. But it was not his "fault" or his intention, and I will go to my grave with that as my truth.
I get very annoyed recently by 3D insistence that "He must be damaged too." No, he isn't. I knew him. I saw how wonderful he was. I DID. ME. He was MY lover, my boyfriend, my darling, my sweetheart, my one and only true love... my very dear close immediate friend. I KNOW him- and I know he is a very balanced dear man, low ego. He had a good childhood. He is joyful. He loves people and animals, and he is a humanitarian. A champion of people. So please- save me the fucking energy of having to defend my stance. It's annoying- and it shows me just how screwed up this world is in their idea of what love truly is. WORDS mean nothing if the intention behind them is not pure; in twin soul unions the ability to work shit out via "words" is stripped for us. And it sucks. And it feels hard to believe... until the insanely strong telepathy starts and you actually see that when you write in a journal or have a thought or say a prayer and your love physically answers you via email or text- then you realize that ENERGY means more than words.
My love is not broken, not in need of huge healing. Yes of course he's hurting and confused- Spirit "uses" him to help heal me, and yes I do mean like a puppet. A friend of mine just recently had a surreal experience with a man. She wrote something in her journal. He came over later, looked her in the eyes and repeated what was in her journal. He was agitated too, told her "I feel hi-jacked... and it's you. What are you doing to me?" I swear- for those of us who are going through strong soul "stuff" our lives and experiences are NOT normal. Things are not normal with me and Joron. It is strong love, stronger healing, and our souls are linked. He is flat out USED to help me. I feel he must have agreed to it before coming to earth with me. I am told that is our combined mission: he agreed to help heal me no matter how it has to be done, and I agreed to always know the real him, love him through it. And I will. No matter what happens between us- I will always adore him, and I will KEEP his ass up on the pedestal where I've put him because he's given me no reason to do otherwise. The man has helped save my life. And luckily for me my guidance is so strong and has shown be enough that I can see the truth instead of fear. I know to some reading my blog I seem like I am in denial and blah blah blah. Go on and think what you like. I am writing this blog for the people who are going what I am going through. Who might be searching for answers as to why their loved one just overnight became a different person... for the people who feel like they landed in Hell and can't find their way out.
Someone once said it's like an alien took over her twin soul's body. Another said "Like Invasion of The Body Snatchers. He's not the same person." IT'S FUCKING TERRIFYING. And I have lived a full year of it- and the "orchestration" is SO strong that I've "made" him shift mid e-mail conversation just by writing in my journal or telling Spirit I don't believe it... it's not reality people. It's not of this world, not 3D. I watch Higher Self work through Joron. Kind of like he is a medium, and I think his "free will" is based on what his soul chose. Not what HE as a human chooses but what his soul wants, or I should say our shared Higher Will. I know the energy that guides me orchestrates my life. I've been compelled to write things to people almost without being able to stop myself. I wrote a novel in 6 weeks because 110,000 words poured out of me to where I could not remember what I wrote after I'd sit down and pound the keys for six hours. Joron allows Spirit to work right through him- and that's just the way it is, and I am certain other twin souls are going through this too. I've written this ad nauseum- the "runner" isn't "running." They go quiet to crash the other down into the depths of Hell. And it is all of soul. And it is planned. And it fucking hurts.
I am defending my truth. Go ahead and write to me and tell me I am living in fear, hiding from my truth. Ha ha ha. I've faced so much fear this last year it's not even funny. I have looked my fears head on and stared them down. Do you know what it feels like to get an email from your love that, out of nowhere, says "Go fuck yourself" because it's a reflection of your own shitty energy? Having to look at it- know it's a total reflection, and then face it? Try to shift it by believing in fiction? Through working with an invisible entity? Having Joron write to me in response to me shaking my fists at God and saying {in my head} "Oh fuck off. I'm going to bed. I don't care if he responds." And then he writes ten minutes later saying "Oh go fuck yourself. Never contact me again! Lose my contact information! You could have had me forever but your *sic- his mistake and he never makes that grammatical error, lol* ___ that's why!" He literally wrote that to me. "You could have had me forever but your ___ that's why!" I woke to find those messages and knew it was a direct reflection of the shit I threw out to the universe as I fell asleep. So I gathered my courage, stared the monster I created in the face and said, "I'm what? A tired working mom? You didn't even fill in the blank." He did not fill in the blank because there was nothing bad he could put there. Universal Law- I'm a good woman. He's not able to criticize me. He can only reflect my shit and my doubt back to me.
But can you imagine how that must make him feel? He wrote back and it was like he never said it- and we had yet another surreal exchange. And frankly I am getting tired of my own energy. It's exhausting. I see what's happening, and I want to be done with it already.
I've received much healing from knowing Joron. Oddly enough my last soul mate contacted me recently. He wanted to see me last night. He is married, and he was hard to get rid of. A year ago I would have been SO tempted to see him, especially if I was scared and hurting. He was like... my strongest addiction. I loved him a ton and it took a lot to cut him out of my life. Last night I was alone, anniversary of this twin soul separation starting. The old me might have thought about having him come over. I've been celibate for over a year. He is a fantastic lover. I know him- he's safe. But GOD NO. I had not one iota of temptation. He said that sometimes he dreams of coming by my home, sweeping me into his arms and kissing me. All I felt was aversion- no no no. No kisses. No wanting to see him. That alone is a huge positive change for me. Let him fix his issues in his marriage instead of wanting to escape to me. He tip toes around his broken situation and I am not his haven. I deserve someone single, and I want my twin soul. Not an old lesson. I wish him the best but no. He said, "You know where to find me if you change your mind," lol- I have not changed my mind in a year. Not going to happen.
I am sober, totally. Won't ever drink again. Took ten years to stop drinking and Joron made it happen in a night. One fucking moment. Two emails and I was cured. Get hit by God like I did and that'll sober your ass up for eternity, no AA needed.
No smoking either. I won't ever smoke again. I was shown that too through him.
And I've showed down a lot of fear. A ton. I am so fearless compared to three years ago, and then a year ago. I know how worthy I am, and I know this man loves me and didn't just leave me. I am sad to be separated from him. I wonder what will happen. I can't read the future. I want to marry him. I am so far in love with him that... I'd do pretty much anything for him as long as it included my son. I owe him my life as far as I am concerned because without him I'm not sure how I'd be faring with the drinking and sleeping around. Oh yeah, there's that.
I have been celibate. No more one night stands. no unsafe situations, no unsafe sex. No sex in cars with strangers. No self-destructive behaviors. Risky shit that is so not me! He woke me the fuck up. Showed me this HUGE love that I cannot escape from. I don't text. No emails to men. No distractions. No eating up my energy sharing words with men who don't mean anything to me but time fillers. I've forced myself to be alone, be healthy, face my shit, change my life. And I could not have done all of this immense change in one year's time without Joron.
My connection with Spirit is very strong. I get signs all over, it's a part of my life now. So. I know God. I am sober, clean, purified. Strengthening. Staying faithful and hopeful. More loving and patient than ever. Tackling my ego. Learning how to stand my ground, stand up for myself and what I believe in, and defending my truth. I am courageous. I love hard. I may be stubborn but oh well. I see my truth and refuse to be swayed. As I said- I am thankful and appreciate him no matter what. I do not judge him, blame him or even need to forgive him- I should be thanking him for sacrificing for me.
Sacrificing? Think walking away from my love was easy? Nope. He adored me, loves me still, and I am sure having to let that go does not feel good for him. He's been showing me that he wants to be with me again, made his love evident, over and over but I ignored him. Sad really. I miss my love. I want his love, and I'm sorry I ran so many times, pushed him away energetically. I pray for the moment when we can be together again. I believe we are meant to be together. Love as strong as ours is meant to be. His love is a love worth waiting for... especially since he swept in to show me the strongest love ever and then had to leave me to help heal me. I love him for that, forever.
My dear little Geologist twin soul. My Favorite Science Trip. How I look forward to hearing your sexy adorable voice again. Kisses.
But I did know. I knew he was utter perfection, hence why I called him my "Atheist angel."
I know as my twin soul he's always with me in Spirit but that doesn't help when I'm in bed alone, holding the pillow I bought for him because he told me "If I'm going to be staying over then I need a pillow!" *sigh* I am not one who buys the whole "Be content knowing they are with you in Spirit." Yeah, whatever. I get it... but I want a life and family with him. Oh SNAP! I know as a twin soul I read that I am not supposed to want that. Fuck that teaching. I think it's bullshit. I do want him physically in my life but without the trappings of fear I was feeling before. I want the opportunity to relish in the knowledge of his unconditional love and affection with no worry, no fear, only contentment and security.
One of our phone conversations when we reconnected he brought up a VERY sensitive issue, our biggest {and it was ALL planned via Spirit, not even through us as humans.} He mentioned it and I said, "I'm so sorry. I still feel silly over that. I swear it was channeled to me and I still don't know why." He chuckled and said, "Oh it's okay. We love each other enough that we worked through it."
I wrote to him last November and told him he had a terrible gambling addiction; I was told to by my guidance although I didn't believe it and felt I was being tested. I think what was happening is right after he turned off I went insane inside. I just KNEW something had to be broken in him to do such a thing, and I was ignoring ALL the stuff inside of me that needed to be healed, not least of all my OWN near addiction- to alcohol plus all the other fear and shit I had inside of me. I has this inability to recognize myself as energy, and my constant doubt over whether Spirit was real or not was really messing with my life, and Spirit wanted that all healed. Due to this Spirit screwed with me by testing my truth, made me even more crazy until I hit a rock bottom and finally owned up to all of my OWN crap that needed to be healed. It's like my Higher Self was testing me, happens all the time. Also it showed how much I was willing to sacrifice for him- I was willing to make him hate me just in case he DID have a problem I was supposed to tell him about. For the record I do not think he has a gambling problem at all; I think I was shown just how much shit a twin soul union can take and still stay intact in the end.
I don't ever really want to be a psychic who gives people all kinds of messages. It stresses me out!
When I told him about the gambling addiction I was also told to tell him some other crazy insane bullshit, and I mean really crazy bullshit like he had mommy issues and needed to "turn to God" for healing. Try telling a staunch Atheist that he needs to turn to God for anything, lol! Ironically- he simply forgot all the rest of the insanity I told him, within a month later he never mentioned it again. The gambling, though, he remembered and for a while he'd bring it up like it bothered him. I was scared. And then he simply let it go, joked about it months later. He still gambles, and he's told me as much. BUT when I originally told him the message last November it caused a ton of chaos that I assumed we'd never work through. It caused him to tell me to leave him alone, lose his contact info, and I did. I was crushed. I thought the beautiful sweet relationship we'd shared had crashed and burned for really no good reason. I was distrustful of God... and thought I'd never love again.
Then a few weeks later he reached out perfectly timed with me writing about our connection on SF. There was a link between the two; I believed enough to post about it from the perspective of being Spirit-orchestrated, and he contacted me. It was not all peaches and cream: I was forced to stand up to fear from that very moment on. BUT- fast forward a few months and he is joking on the phone to me about gambling. Called himself "My gambling boyfriend." Said he wants to pretty me up and take me to Reno with him. When I said I was sorry... his words now haunt me.
"It's okay! We love each other enough that we worked through it."
And I just totally ignored his expression of total forgiveness and LOVE. IGNORED IT.
Do you SEE what my energy has done? Do you SEE why my ego is constantly flaring up and telling me it must be HIM HIM HIM despite ALL the affirmation and proof I have saying otherwise? BECAUSE I AM FUCKING AFRAID THAT I RUINED THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. That is why! And I hate seeing that truth! I I I I I I did this. And please don't tell me not to be hard on myself. It had to happen. My shit from my past was too deep, only my twin soul could push me through it. And I see. And it fucking hurts. It hurts so so so bad.
It hurts because he was, is and always will be the best person to ever enter my life besides my own child. And he's not with me, and it frightens me so my ego is always trying to tell me that what I feel is not true. Ego pushes me to get mad at him and angry with Spirit for "putting me through this" when it's been my own fear-based energy all along just pushing pushing pushing the love away.
So this is why ego flares up. It is a protective layer because the truth really does hurt. He reflects my energy and it is not something I can escape from- I'd have to totally run off and try to forget him in order to do so, and I just can't. I can't be a runner. I have this fortune cookie in front of me from after he didn't come back in March, "Faithless is he wold quits when the road darkens." And one recently, "Many receive advice; only the wise profit from it."
No matter what happens between me and Joron in a physical relationship sense, I can't battle back and forth over "But he's done this so he must be this." That is EGO and I am so tired of it. I know my heart. And I understand this is hard to accept but it's my truth.
And I feel like that saying, "You don't know what you got until it's gone." It's easier for my ego to flare up and keep my protected through LIES than it is for me to strip myself bare and accept 100% truth: he's amazing, and I couldn't handle it- he became, or was already planned, as my hugest lesson.
And I want to learn from it, love him through it, and I pray with all my heart that we reunite because he is amazing, and I hate that we've had to go through this. I hate that he's had to "hit" the one he loves with shitty words, lack of emotion, when I know inside he wants to love me. I wish I didn't have to push him to send me the ickiness that came through the weekend I drank and was so vile inside- I really regret that, even if I know I am not supposed to feel regret I DO regret it because he'd been coming closer and I really slammed the door in his face by making him be so cold to me. Yeah it did cause big change for me, but I wish it didn't have to come to what it did for that change to happen. I am thankful for the growth and healing, will love him forever for being my mirror, but I don't love the separation or the cold. Don't love it at all, and I would like for it to end now.
It's not easy. Truth does hurt. It also sets one free... but my heart just aches. I love him so much, and I know him- and he is Love, perfect love. I pray I am reunited with my love soon.
