Hugs!

I would really love to hug James again.

There's a lot inside of me, and I don't always know how to process it.  My words and thoughts are quickly being shown back to me in ways I don't specifically share here.  I don't know if any of you are experiencing this but it seems I am manifesting faster and harder all the time, and I have to be super careful of what I am creating because guys I am still creating shit I don't like. 

I've been debating whether or not to take the blog down.  I don't have much to say anymore on here because there is nothing left to share besides my loving memories.  But I think I will leave it up for others who might need to find it and see that, no, they are not crazy.  Maybe I am doing something beneficial then; my experience can do some good for others.

But I honestly can't write here anymore, not until I have something really large to share, something shifts for the better and I can share my excitement and joy with you all.  Wouldn't that be nice, a good dose of hope and joy?  Sure would be.

For now though, since I am shown I need to really be careful in what I say about my journey, I'm going to try and step back for a while and do my writing privately.  It is more comfortable for me to write about my loving memories and dreams of James {some of them not completely PG-rated} freely while doing so in private.  And here I find myself writing about the experience too much when I feel I need to focus only on love.  It is not always easy to write over and over again about the times we spent together here.  I've shared it already.  You don't need to read it twenty-five times.

I really hope and pray I can do this, whatever "this" is.  Something to do with shifting the energy and changing my focus.  It's a meticulous process.  I feel like I can do it.  I've always only ever felt that I would eventually get through this and back to James.  In my mind and heart there is no other option.

I want to create my Love back in my arms again like he once was, true bliss.  I want to allow him to love me again like I know he wants to.

I dream of talking to my loving friend again.

So, bye for now while I do my private work.  I do always try my best.  I love him too much not to try.

Best of luck and blessings to all.

Love and hugs,

Jennifer

My Love for You Is Never-Ending

Well spring is here, well kind of in the Midwest.  It's cold today but we had a nice Easter day which was great for the kids to go out and play.  My son, oh my dear child, he did the sweetest thing yesterday.  My whole family {not me though} is Catholic and we always pray before our meals.  She asked for someone to say grace and he, at six years-old, raised his hand and thanked God for the food.  She added some extra words and then my son wanted to say one more thing.  Very vehemently he thanked God for protecting all of the people in the bus that turned over because no one died.  My little sweetie.  My child and I don't go to church and he knows nothing of the "Christ died for our sins but then rose again from the dead" stuff but he does know that God is love, per his own words and knowing.  For us Easter is about blessings, yes, but mostly about The Easter Bunny and spending time sharing a good meal with our family!  And that is fine.  We often give thanks for what we have, and giving thanks and being grateful is the most important part anyway.

James met my mother's side of the family when he agreed to attend a family cookout with me, and I had a wonderful time with him that day.  He spent the day with me, PJ and my family and it is one of my most favorite memories ever.  I think I've said that most of my best memories were from those few weeks we spent together.  But I've always wished he could meet my father's side of the family.  They would love James so much, and they'd be so happy to see me with such a kind, thoughtful, respectful, loving and caring man.  They'd really appreciate him.  So every holiday that passes I always wish he was with us.  I wish he was coming along with us to spend family time together.  He'd love my family as well.  I have a large, fun and loving family.  I'm highly blessed in that regard.  And all they want is for me to be happy, and I was happy with James.  I loved being with him and I am really sad without him.

I wish he was back with me.  I love him dearly and miss him more than I, the wordsmith, can properly find words to express. That is about all I can say.  I do totally believe 110% what I write here.  And really there is nothing left to share except to write about the great times I shared with him, and if you've read my blog then you've already seen that stuff before.  Yes my love for him is never-ending and yes I do believe he loves me but is my full spiritual mirror who reflects back to me what I am feeling.  So I am working on what I think, speak and write in the hopes that one day he can reflect only truth back to me, nothing less.  And his truth is only love and kindness.  I remember James and I know who he is, goodness and love.  I will not second guess him, and I will not question my own truth and beliefs.

The silence is difficult to handle yet I know it's not his intention.  I feel that he'd love to speak to me again.  Even so being away from my love and not being able to talk "in person" with my sweet dear friend is kicking the shit out of my heart.  So please have compassion for me or any other twin soul you may meet upon your own journey, and have compassion for yourselves and your twin souls.  I think they go through a lot too; I really do- even though they can't really show us due to that pesky "being our mirrors" part of the equation.

Blessings to all and much love to my sweet lovely twin soul.  I hope to shift this soon, my Love.  To me you are always a gift and a treasure. 

Jennifer

*Sigh*

I am having a fine day but still I love him and miss him so much.

I love his kisses.  I love being held in his strong arms.  I love how gently he touches my face before he smiles and kisses me.  I love the feeling of his lips on mine and how he slips his tongue in my mouth like he owns me.  I love the way he feels above me, moving inside of me.

I am dying inside.  I miss him so fucking much that I have to remind myself to breathe sometimes.

I remember how he always wanted to make me feel good in every single way.  How he craves my taste and wants to make sure I am pleasured and made to feel so totally loved and adored, every bit of me heart mind body and soul.  So perfect, such a gem.  He is one in 7.4 billion, unique, irreplaceable.

I miss James' smile.  I love his smiley voice.  He is always so happy and friendly and jovial, a very sweet approachable nature.  So easy to talk to.  My friend.  We became friends quickly.  I love being his friend.  And I miss him something fierce.  Like... I miss him to where I think I might spontaneously combust sometimes.  I fall into bed at night with a sigh like, "Okay I got through another day without bursting into flames and burning into a little pile of bittersweet ashes" because my poor heart aches so strongly that I don't know how I can even exist like this.  But I am.  And I miss him.  I ache to my bones.  I actually look forward to sleeping because it offers some respite from how much I ache for this man.  My love.  He will always be my love.

He is special to me, precious.  And my memories can make me cry.  I look back and remember him writing to me and telling me that having a baby with me is what he wants most.  And I didn't know what to do with that.  I didn't know how to allow him any closer.  So I guess I doubted it but now I think that YES he really has wants to have a baby with me.  And I pray... that is still possible because I want SO badly to be with James as my family and have another baby with him, and I still could.  I dream of him making love with me knowing we are trying to create life together.  How tightly I'd hold him.  How I'd tell him how much I love him and want to have his child, my biggest dream.  It is my biggest dream to have a baby with him, and sometimes that dream kicks the shit out of me right now.  It's hard to address, painful but I am here facing it because yes, it's what I want most in my life right now.  Him and our child are the only things missing from my life right now.  Otherwise I have a good happy life with my own son but I CRAVE and ache and yearn and dream for my FAMILY.  I want my family now, all of us.  I miss James and I dream of us being together as a family, making a baby together.  I'd love to carry his child and know... just how lucky I am to have a life that is half his inside of me.  I know he'd treat me wonderfully while pregnant.  And I want that more than I have ever wanted anything in my life, and yes DESIRING something so strongly does hurt sometimes... because I have to pray and hope and dream and wish for the best, throw the intention out there and PRAY that the possibility is still there.  I want this so badly that I can only try, keep working on it, continue doing what I feel I should in order to allow him back to me.  I feel he wants all this too.  He wants a life with me.  He misses me.  He wants me to be the mother of his child and he knows I'd be the perfect mommy, always loving and aware and sweet and kind.  Which I am.  OMG- yes, it is a dream that makes me ache right now but I won't back off from it.

I can either give in, give up or give it my all, my everything, and I am choosing to give it my everything.  I am not a Leo on accident.  I fight for what I want, and I am fighting even though I don't have solid "proof."  I only have my dreams, and they are dreams I hold close to my heart.  James as my husband and the father of our child.  I want nothing more than to feel his hands on my pregnant belly.  He'd be so super sweet and attentive to me, and I deserve that experience with someone as gloriously wonderful as he is.  And I feel in my heart that he wants to give me that beautiful life.  He wants to fullfil my dreams.  I believe he adores me and cherishes me too, and he wants to show me that.  He did, once.  He treated me like I am precious, because I am.

And so is he.  And I dream... I continue to dream.  I LOVE him so much.  I miss him.  I miss him a lot.  I wish and pray and hope and dream to speak to my love again one day.  He told me he could never go without seeing me again.  He wrote that to me, "Can't ever go without seeing you again," and I believe that is truth.  He wants to see me again, always has, and I pray so hard that I can still allow that to happen.  They say twin souls are always meant to be together no matter what.  I might not pay much attention to the twin soul teachings out there but that is the one thing I want to believe in: there is always a chance as long as I let it happen, work on my energy, focus and intention, allowing only love, always.  Knowing him.  Trusting in the loving sweet kind man who held me gently and kissed me passionately and loved me so so strongly, with respect and care and consideration.  Who treated my son with care too, attentive and perfect.  I want SO SO SO much for James to be PJ's loving sweet kind step-daddy, and I know he would be this for us, and he wants this too.  He met us and knew he'd found the people who were meant to be his family, and I still want that dream!  He told me he didn't know how to be a daddy but he could learn, and that he really liked my son, that my son was not a deal breaker and yes he wants me as his future.  HIS FUTURE.  He called me his future, and I still believe I am meant to be his future and he is meant to be mine.  He spoke my dreams to me and I want those dreams- so I am choosing to focus on my dreams.  Even though I love James to where I miss him every single moment I am awake.  Oh I miss him so much- I ache.  Good Lord!

*Sigh*  I long to hear my love's sweet voice again, to hold him in my arms and kiss his sweet lips.  He is so much a part of me, always in my heart.  He is so so so sweet and kind and gentle and respectful- that is the man I remember because that is how he treated me, 100%.  I believe in him and us, our love.  He adored my soul.  He was patient and waited for me to be ready to share my body while he loved my heart, mind and soul through and through.  He's my angel.

I just wish... to have him back now so this ache could be eased, for both of us because I believe that he aches too.  I pray every day to reach a place where my energy can bring him back to me.  For a shift, for "reunion" which to me means my Love is back in my arms again, or at least I hear from the love of my life again, my sweet dear kind man.  I hope he is well.  I really feel that he wants to be back with me.  My heart is invested in him.  I love my sweetheart with all my heart.

Jennifer

Sushi or Sandwiches?

I like this picture above.  I love how it explains in one neat little picture what I feel is the truth about "God" and getting closer to God and knowing God.  I've had so many people advise me that I need to forget about James and love and get closer to God and then I'll be doing what I am meant to be doing.  Then I freak out because I have no idea how to "get closer to God."  Like, how?

A long time ago my guidance told me about this twin soul journey, "Love is in charge."  And I said, "Love?"  I thought God was in charge?"  But maybe I understand better now.  Maybe it is clicking.  God and Love are the same, totally the same.  We have just mislabeled God and confused the fuck out our ourselves by attributing to God these human characteristics, like God is some kind of entity or being when God is really only Love.  So I really love this picture above.  It tells me that as long as I focus on love then I am always becoming more and more "one with God" like so many people want to advise me to do.  So... I can love the fuck out of James and in doing so I am also growing closer to God in the process.  And yes I love other people too.  Love is my super power.  How refreshing is it to know that in doing what comes natural to me, loving, I am actually doing the ONE thing that is needed to know God and get closer to God and really to be God.  It is not two separate issues.  Loving James is no different than getting closer to God or trying to become more one with God.  What a relief to understand this.

Marvelous.

So on to a different topic, kind of.  Still concerning "love."

Sometimes I wonder if I am delusional or if I am seeing truth.  I still don't know with 100% certainty but I will share with you something I've noticed lately.  You know how people say, and I've said it here on my blog, that we are meant to focus ONLY on what we love?  And we should not focus on what we don't love?  We should not focus on something we've done in the past that has brought about a result we did not like.  We should not discuss the car accident we had.  We should not discuss the things we do not want more of in our lives and instead we should only talk about, think about and write about the things we want more of.  The things we love.  This way MORE of the stuff we love can come into our lives since whatever we focus on is what we attract to us.

Okay okay so we've heard this already.  It sounds good.  It makes sense... but putting it into practice can be a real bitch.  And I've noticed something lately.  I could be wrong about this but it is an observation.  I am just trying to come up with a good analogy to explain it...

Let's say I love a good sushi dinner and I have not had one in ages and I really really want one, bad.  I had a great sushi dinner a few years ago and I loved it a lot.  And I want to have a lot of sushi dinners in the future {and this is in a world where I can't just go buy a sushi dinner- I am gonna have to attract it to me.}  So let's say I really want a sushi dinner over... sandwiches.  And sandwiches are more readily available.  And I am hungry but I don't want sandwiches even though I could have them if I wanted them but really I want sushi.

And whatever I focus on is what I am going to bring to me.  Whatever I focus on is what I am going to eventually make available to me.

So.  What I have noticed lately is this.  If I set my mind on sushi and focus on all the things I love about sushi and I remember in detail the delicious and fun sushi dinner in the past then I start to dream about sushi and hear about sushi and see signs of sushi... and my hope is this is showing me that I am bringing the REAL sushi closer to me, and then maybe one day I will find that a new sushi restaurant is opening near my home so I can have sushi all the time, whenever I want it because right now sushi... is not part of my 3D reality and I want it to be.  Badly.

Like I can taste it, that's how bad I want it.  It's so very very GOOD.

BUT- here is the thing.  If I instead talk about sandwiches, at all, then I am seeing signs of sandwiches and I am even dreaming of sandwiches and hearing songs about sandwiches and I'm having sandwiches thrust in my face.  And I see no signs of sushi at all.  The dreams about sushi stop when I instead focus on sandwiches.  Sushi feels farther and farther away when I don't focus on what I want, sushi, and instead I even dare to breath a word about sandwiches.

Like the best thing I could do for myself is pretend like sandwiches don't even exist and only put all my energy towards thinking about, dreaming about, remembering, even talking about or writing about, sushi- how much I love it, how awesome it is, all the great things I remember about it.  Because in doing so then the signs and dreams will start again, and hopefully this is a clear indication that I am bringing the reality of sushi into my life, by focusing ONLY on sushi.

Clearly realizing that the moment I turn my focus towards what I DO NOT WANT, sandwiches, I actually start de-energizing the sushi and re-energizing the sandwiches.

Does this analogy make sense to you?  I hope so because now I am hungry.  And I want sushi.

On the beach.  I want sushi on the beach.

Like I said to begin- sometimes I wonder if I am delusional.  Crazy?  LOL- I don't feel crazy at all although sometimes this union makes me feel like I am going to totally lose my mind.  I do ask myself if what I see is real or if I am just making associations in my head.  But lately it seems if I discuss, even in passing or with my therapist, anything that's happened that I do NOT like then I will dream about what I do not like or want.  But if I pay absolutely no attention to anything that has happened that I do not want or like and if I instead focus only on James, writing about him a lot in my journal, blogging about him, and ensuring I am very watchful of what I speak or communicate via email to friends {I try to say very little about James to anyone} and if what I write is all goodness, hope, love, affirmation that he loves me and is a wonderful person, then my dreams, signs, the songs I hear- they seem to shift to show me that my energy is "felt."  And my hope is this will bring James closer to being able to show me his love again. Because I know his love for me exists.  I strongly feel that he yearns to show me his strong love, the love he has for me, again.  I feel like he is nearly exploding with love for me, just like he was when we were together, and it does not feel good for him holding back all of that love- he wants to be loving to me.  He wants to be kind to me.  He wants to be his true honest genuine loving angelic self to me again.  And it seems when I focus on this, truth, then truth is shown to me via a good warm dream of him or hearing songs that speak to me of love, missing each other, soul, heart, etc.

But when I even for a moment shift that to speaking of something I do not like or do not want then I am shown that as well.  So it would seem.  I am going to err on the side of "Yes what I am seeing is the real deal" and try to keep my focus totally steady, focusing only on what I love and want more of which is him him him, my sweet James.

Actually the more I think about this... let's say I enjoy steak too but I like sushi better.  It's very objective, actually.  If I focus on steak I am gonna get steak.  If I focus on steak then one of my friends is going to send me a gift of frozen steaks in the mail, lol.  If I focus on sushi I am gonna get sushi. And this means for me to get sushi I must actively focus on it, wanting it, dreaming of it.  I can't just ignore any thought of it or distract from thinking of it because then I am not empowering it at all and then it's not going to manifest into my life.

Yeah I know I could just go out for dinner, lol.  I get that but you understand my analogy.   

And we shall see what happens.  I want to give a shout out to "myself" and say, hey make it as clear as you can so I SEE it strongly.  I don't care how intense it is.  I am strong- just show me.  The stronger and faster the better so I can get to my bliss and dream as fast as I can.

Focus only on what we love.  I am so working to be aware and focus only on what I love. James- I love James.  I love the time we spent together.  I love his friendly sweet loving caring kind personality and how gently he treated me, with such care and consideration.  I love how attentive he was to me.  I love that he is over-the-top affectionate and never hesitated to show me how much he loves me.  I love that he loves my kisses.  I love him so so so very much, and I love his huge love for me.

Sushi or sandwiches???

Sushi, at Union, please.  With my Love.

XxOo

Jennifer   

Kiss Me

Kiss Me- Ed Sheeran

I had a good weekend.  Spent some money on myself shopping, lol.  I don't do that often but my friend who lives with me, we ended up out shopping together and I bought some new dresses.  I rarely spend money on myself but once in a while feels nice.  I hate wearing pants and shorts.  They are super uncomfy for me.  I'd rather live in dresses unless I'm going bike riding or something like that.
 

This weekend the small town where I live was in the news, and thank GOD for miracles because it luckily was for an event that could have been horrible but ended up okay.  The high school boy's basketball team's bus overturned on the express way and everyone lived through it.  Seriously could have been an utterly tragic disaster so lots of people in my area sending out thanks to whoever is up there watching over us.  As a mother, even though my own child was not on that bus, I am SO thankful that none of those parents got news that no parent should ever hear.  So... a big shout out to the divine and good energy, etc. Man oh man.  My son and I have paused a few different times this weekend to thank God for keeping all those kids and adults safe. 

I am trying to stay in an energy of "thanks" and focusing on goodness, my blessings.  I went to the coffee shop this Friday night and met some really nice women.  Like-minded, awakening, dealing with energy, learning about manifestation, etc.  We had the nicest conversation and I am grateful for that too.  Saturday I went to my son's soccer game and he scored his first goal!  Little sweetheart.  I love him so very much.  And then my mom and I went out for coffee and talked for a while which was refreshing too.  It's good for me and my mom to spent time together.  She is retiring this year from her job of being a grade school cafeteria manager, and it's a job at which she does an excellent job.  She went from no college education, stay at home mom, to wiping down the tables in the cafeteria where my sister went to grade school; she was a cafeteria aid, and worked her way up to be the cafeteria manager at a local grade school.  She is a wonderful manager of her staff and she cares very much for the health and nutrition of the kids at the school.  I know she is sad to leave but it's her time to spend now with my dad, enjoying life after they have both worked very hard.  They've been through a ton, much of what I've written about on this blog, and it's their time to relax, travel and enjoy being together, especially after how far they both have come.  So we talked about her retirement and all the stuff her and my dad will be doing, spoiling this little Yorkie they have and love more than life itself, lol.  And then Sunday PJ and I had two birthday parties to go to, one for my nephew so it was nice to spend more time with my family.  

Again, consciously trying to pay attention to my blessings and be thankful for what is good in my life.

Right now, "I Won't Give up on Us" is playing.  *sigh*  It leads me to this point, though.  I am very thankful for all of the goodness in my life.  I really am.  I am very grateful for the miracle blessings concerning the bus accident this weekend.  I know my blessings.  But I am still so full of heartache.  I miss James tremendously.  I LOVE him and miss him to no end.  I wish we were back together.  I wish I could talk to my friend again.  I'd do pretty much anything {of Love} to be with James again.  The ache and the longing and the way my heart calls out to him is... rather hard to deal with.  But as I don't really know what to do with it I am just trying to feel it and not freak out.  I keep affirming that I know he loves me too, and he wants to be with me.  I feel that he's out there hoping I will continue to shift energy, stay focused on love and truth, remain persistent and consistent, so he can return to me.  I just feel in my heart that my Love is out there and he wants to be with me more than anything else.  So I am holding on to that, always.  I don't know what else to do.  I won't ever be perfect.  I still get irritated with people.  I still complain.  I'm currently eating a big fat piece of entirely delicious homemade chocolate cake from the birthday party yesterday, and it's amazing... although I should probably be eating an apple {I have one for later, lol.} I cried last night because I feel like my son's dad judges me and finds me lacking, but then again I should not really care what he thinks of me because I know I am a good mom and person no matter what my ex-husband may think of me.  I really try to overlook things.  Still I do notice.  I can't help but notice.  I work on how I react to what I notice though.  I refuse to be "that ex-wife."  I like to be easy to get along with, pleasant.  That is me.

I am aching though because with James it would be so different, wonderfully different.  He'd be the perfect man to share life with, and I am mourning not having my gift in my life right now.  I want him back with us so strongly.  I want him with us to be part of our family.  I know he'd treat me with total respect.  He'd appreciate me.  He totally did and does appreciate me still!  He would not ever judge me and he loves me unconditionally.  He would honor my quirks and my unique personality.  My son's dad did not, at all.  He always told me I am weird.  I know I am not "weird" just different, and different is good, but it makes me so sad because James loves my being different.  He loves the things about me that annoyed my son's dad.  James would be the man who would cook with me or make me dinner.  Or eat with me, talk with me, make me a priority.  He'd want to be with me and be happy to see me at the end of the day.  He'd gladly hug me and kiss me when getting home from work.  He'd make plans to do stuff together and share time together.  He would choose to spend time with me, and he'd be happy to.  He would actually look forward to seeing me, and he did when we dated.  It was so beautiful, so so beautiful.  Heaven.

I count my blessings and I am thankful.  I can appreciate the goodness in my life.  But I still miss my love and my friend.  I ache for him.  And it pulls at me  Being around my son's dad, the contrast between him and James, is bittersweet.  James is my gift.  He is everything I have ever asked for in a man.  He's my dreams come true.  He is the man I DESERVE in my life because he is so so so wonderful, loving, kind, respectful, attentive and he showed me so much love and major acceptance: a gift.  He came to me on my 40th birthday, my sweet friendly little birthday present.

I want my gift back.  I love him so much I can barely stand it.  I miss him more than words can explain.  I want only him, forever.  I want him to be my husband.  I am lonely for him.  I think of him with love all the time, and I just want to feel him in my arms again.  I want to hear his sweet voice.  I want to get a message from him where I can feel my friend and love again.  I want to hear from the "real" James.  My friend.  My buddy.  The man I giggled with and couldn't wait to talk to.  I miss his boyish bouncy presence, and I hope and wish and pray to hear from that loving kind gentle funny man soon.  I am working on it.  It is my focus, my priority.  My own private personal "mission."  I keep telling me that my energetic "magic" is real and to own it, fully. 

My heart aches though!!!  OMG my poor heart.  My poor heart!!!

I hope wherever my adorable sweetheart is- he feels my love, and is safe, comfy and his blessings many.  I am so in love with you my dear, always will be.  I want you to KISS ME!!!  I hold your heart gently in my hands.  I know you love me like I love you.  And I pray for the moment when I can hear from you, the man I kissed and held and cuddled, again.  To hear you call me "honey"... would be my miracle.

I know you'd love to call me honey again.  I AM your honey.

Jennifer

When You're Gone

Oh GOOD LORD in Heaven above.  I pray and pray and pray to have something shift so this ache can ease because I honestly do not know how to handle it.  It's all I can do to not go totally out of my mind bonkers.  *deep breath*

I miss you so much.  I miss you from the moment I fall asleep at night through on to the minute I awaken, and you are right there back in my mind and heart again.  And I don't even ask for it.  You are always there.  Always.  And I love you so very much.  All I want to do is hold you and hug you and kiss you so sweetly and lovingly, like Strawberry Fields- I just want to finally be your Strawberry Fields with my arms wrapped around you holding you so tightly, relishing the feel of your body in my arms.  I want to love you and be good to you. 

I remember what it feels like to hug you.  You and I fit well together.  You feel so good wrapped up in my arms.  Perfect, perfect fit.  I ACHE to experience the sensation of feeling you in my arms again, total bliss.  I had no idea that the last time I hugged you would be so long ago, and I feel like this ache is never going to go away until you are back in my arms!  I don't know what to do because all I can remember is how sweet you were to me, so wonderful.  The best man ever, and I want you back.

You treated me and my son with kindness and respect.  You included him; you brought him little treats and thought of him.  You always asked me how he was doing or what we did together.  You told me you thought I was an amazing mother, and you were impressed with how I was raising my son.  You could tell I am totally loving and nurturing, and you loved that about me.  I love how you made sure to take into consideration and respect my mommy-role.  You always respected me being a mother.  You came to see me instead of asking me to go out.  You were more than willing to visit me at my home knowing that PJ would be there, sleeping or getting ready for bed. I love how you'd come in and wait for me outside his room, so patient.  Always so patient and kind!  You are unique.  There are good men in the world, yes, but you are a rare breed in just how patient and respectful you were with me.  And how you made sure to involve my son even though we were only together for a few weeks.  Please know how thankful I am to you for being so sweet to us.  It is one of the reasons why I love you so very much, and why I will always only believe that you are the caring man who made the effort spent time with us.  Only a good dear man would do something as thoughtful.

The fact that you planned that day with me and my son will forever stick in my heart.  It was the best day of my life.  I wish you were back with us.  I miss you so much, and I have not been the same since you've been gone.  You really did take a piece of my heart with you and I only want you in my life as my man, my companion, my friend, the love of my life, my husband and part of my loving family.

I don't know what to do with this feeling.  It's overwhelming.  I guess all I can do is love you from afar, remember us, and pray hard for your return.  I need to talk to you.  I need to see you again.  I need to hug you and touch your face and kiss you gently.

I miss you so very much.  When you came into my life I met my dream come true, and ever since you've been gone- my dreams walked away with you.  All I want is my dream back, you.  You are my dream come true.  I love you and miss you with all of my heart.  I know you- you are the sweet man who brought me cookies and chocolates.  You touched gently and protectively like I am precious to you, like you cherish me.  You were patient with me, always very tender and courteous.  So very respectful, always.  Even when flirting with me or letting me know you desire me you always said the right words, so loving and affectionate and cute and friendly so it felt right, pure and clean and right.  You never pushed me- you only waited for me.  You relished sitting and kissing me for hours.  You enjoyed my presence.  You fell quickly in love with me.  And you told me if you met just the right woman, fell in love with her, that maybe true love would make you stay here.  And I know you meant me, and I know you wanted to stay with me.

I know you.  You are the man who took us on the play date to feed the baby alligators and go mini golfing.  My son still speaks of you with love because he remembers you spending that time with us, it was probably one of the only time he's ever seen his mommy truly blissfully happy, and it's the only time he's ever seen me happy with a man.  You are the only man my son has seen me spend time with, go on a date with, be with where I was happy and treated very well.  You are the only man my son remembers making me smile.  He saw us kiss for a moment.  He's never seen another man treat my that way or make me smile or bring such happiness to me.  So thank you for showing my son, even for a moment, how I am made to be loved.

I miss you so fucking much.  I wish you were back with me.  Every day I wish you were back with me, with us.  You are irreplaceable to me, my gift.  And I want my gift back.  I have missed you and ached for you since the day you left.  Since the moment I watched you walk out my door after asking me if I am going to look you in the eyes when we exchange our vows- I have wanted you back in my arms.  I've never wanted something more.  I've never had an actual dream or wanted something as badly as I want you in my life, to share life with.  I want to go shopping with you and make dinner with you, feel your arms around me always, holding hands all the time, in love.  Kissy and close and sweet, and making love every night.

You told me you want me as your future, and I still believe that.  You told me you want to kiss me good night in person every night and kiss me good morning every morning.  You told me, "I love you too and I want you to be mine forever."  Your words were always so sweet, honest and genuine.  Heart-felt and real, and I believe our love still exists.  I believe you still love me as much now as you did then, and I believe you clearly know the fear I am facing down through all of this, and how I am totally unwilling to let go or walk away or give up, and you appreciate that from me.  At least that's how it feels to me.

I love you.  With my entire heart, mind and soul.  You mean the world to me.

Love and hugs,

Jennifer

The Blues

I have a bad case of "The Blues."

When I first met James I did know he was a soul mate to me.  I felt it.  He was too right, too cute, too magnetic, too perfect and felt too familiar to me to be anything other than a soul mate.  But I wasn't surprised because by this time I'd met other soul mates.  It was becoming my norm!  Still I had no idea that he would be think one I've been linked with for so long now.  I had no idea I'd be this deeply in love with him.

Every morning I pass by Lucille's, the bar where we met.  I drive by the parking lot and more often than not I imagine seeing his black car sitting there with him getting out to walk towards me after I pulled in.  I can still see him in my mind's eye- soooooo damn cute.  In all ways.  I don't even mean just physically.  It was his huge boyish disarming smile.  He looked SO happy and self-assured and confident, and just seriously happy.  He looked like I felt.  And he embraced me immediately and said, "You are just as beautiful as I knew you'd be," but it wasn't a come on or a line.  It felt totally sincere.  He was by far the sweetest man I'd ever met.  Everything about him was totally completely 100% perfect.

I ache.  I know I know- I say that a lot lately.  But I am honoring my feelings and being true to my heart.  I ache, and I am allowing myself to go ahead and feel melancholy.  All I can do to get through this and stay balanced is to remember James as I knew him for those couple months that he was in my life, and also after he left, the few times when the energy shifted and he was able to be his sweet adorable self again.  This guy's love is OVER THE MOON I hope you understand.  Right before this "changed" he sent me a photo of himself because I asked to see his smile.  He stood holding a sign that read, "I LOVE you!" with this big ole' adorable smile on his face- cutest thing ever.  Like totally sweet, kind, heart-on-his-sleeve affectionate and loving.  THAT is the man I write about here.  THAT is the man who resides in my heart, and THAT is the man I believe in.

A few songs have come my way recently.  One is Amy Grant's "I Will Remember You."  I heard that one the other day and cried.  "Knowing how you made me laugh.  Hearing sweet echoes of you from the past.  I will remember you."  *sigh*  He made me laugh all the time.  Totally giggle.  He is so silly and cute and friendly, and we created a good friendship.  "Our love is frozen in time.  I will be your champion and you will be mine.  I will remember you."  I love my friend so very much and I am absolutely aching to speak with that loving sweet friendly man again, my love.

Then yesterday on my drive home I heard a few other songs that really spoke to me.  One is "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues."  Oh I heard this song a few months ago and really listened to it for the first time and I bawled.  I feel like he's speaking to me through the entire song, and yes every word is truth for our relationship.  It's like he's telling me yes, he's not here right now but I need to tackle my demons and continue to hold him close to my heart.  There is a line that says, "Without me girl, cry in the night if it helps, but more than ever, I simply love you more than I love life itself."  I feel like I am being told YES go on and cry.  CRY if you have to cry.  But he also says "I love you more than I love life itself" and I feel this about James- he loves me.  He might not be here right now but he loves me.

And he sings, "And never forget I'm your man."  Right.  He is MY man.  He is the only man I want in my life. 

In this song the man is "away."  And he tells her to stare into space and to picture his face in her hands.  And I do.  I picture his sweet face in my hands all the time.  I can imagine him standing in front of me, my hands on the sides of his face, just looking at him or kissing him.  I want to touch his face so much, gently caress his skin and kiss his sweet lips. 

I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands should be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Ugh sometimes I ask myself if I am delusional because it's songs like this one that feel like James is absolutely speaking to me, fully, through the words of this song.  How he said, "And never forget I'm your man," to me feels like he is reminding me- yes, I am the one for you.  You are still the only woman I want, and I want you for me so don't forget that."  I know twin soul stuff says we are learning to drop possessiveness and all that but there IS such a thing as pair-bonding.  And when two people love each other they don't want to be with anyone else, and they don't want to share their partner.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that.  It's natural.  It's biological.  It's a healthy love attachment when inspired through love and affection and wanting to be each others "one and only."  I feel like even though James isn't here and he can't come right out and tell me- I need to fight through any illusion and always hold on to the truth that if I were ever to stray he'd end up heartbroken and sad.  He is wishing I will see past everything and hold on to him, stay committed to our union, and never let go.  You don't even know how much of a challenge it is for me to think this way but there's this voice inside of me saying, "He wants you so much.  He is sad without you too.  Please hold on to him through all of this." 

Still though, I honestly cannot achieve that level of joyfulness and happiness that many twin soul people say we have to reach in order to get to union.  It's impossible for me. I feel like this song- I do cry in the night.  It helps, a little bit.  I cry all the time.  I want to cry right now, writing this.  But how can I not?  You tell me.  I know he's out there.  I feel that he loves me.  But I miss him while he is "away."  We DID laugh like children.  We did live like lovers, sweet lovers.  He is my friend.  We talked and shared and got so so so close, attached to each other.  I miss him to the depths of my soul.  He is irreplaceable to me.

He told me he wants me to be the last woman he kissed in his 30s, the first woman he kissed in his 40s, and the last woman he kissed ever.  He told me he waited for his destiny to be born before him, and I was by less than a day.  He spoke truth to me and it is a truth I refuse to let go of.  I know he simply loves me more than he loves life itself, like I love him.

But in order to be good to myself and honor my heart and treat myself gently, I will "cry in the night" without him.  I seriously miss my friend and my love.  I ache for him, a deep deep ache.  I want him back in my arms.  I want to talk to him again.  I was us to laugh together. I want to hear him gently urge me to share my deepest fantasies with him, to talk about our future together, to have him ask me to tell him my "naughty thoughts" about us and what I fantasize about doing "under the covers," me and him close and intimate and naked and together, loving and wonderful.  I've shared the most beautiful love with this man, and I need him back in my life.  I do not love him because I need him.  I need him because I love him.  I fell in love with him and I need him back.

I want him to be the last man I kiss too- the only man I kiss.  He was the last man I kissed, and I want to kiss him again.  I love how we sat and kissed each other for hours, those sweet adorably gentle kisses.  I NEED to kiss my love again.

I am sorry that my blog reads like a bunch of sad sad songs right now, but think about all of the other "artists" out there who create songs and stories that have been born from their own sadness and heartache.  That's how I feel right now.  I can't keep it inside- I LOVE him so much that I can barely take it.  I miss him to the moon and back.  All I want in my life, more than anything besides what I already have, is James in my life.  I want to marry him and be his happy wife.  I want to have a baby with him.  I want him to treat me lovingly while I carry our child, and I know he would be so so so caring and loving.  I want that experience with him; it is an experience I've never had.  I want MY happy family now, with a mommy and a daddy and kids.  I want HIM though, only him.  I can only envision him as my husband.  Only James feels right to me.  So yes I still have hope.  My heart... my heart can only imagine James holding me at night and smiling at me in the morning and saying "good morning honey" with his cute little grin, in his sweet soft sexy voice.

I miss my Love so much, so so much.  I can only pray to God to help be strong enough to handle this ache because it is so deep.  I love him so much, and I miss him.

But my heart tells me he feels the same way.  Time on his hands should be time spent with me.  He wants to share life with me.  We are meant to be together.

I guess that's why they call it the blues.

Truth?

So I am sitting here asking myself, "What is truth, really?"

To me truth feels like James is actually affected by all of this just as much as I am, and he experiences it from a very different perspective than I do.  Some people might think I am delusional but let me explain.  Those of you who read my blog know I feel that he's out there still loving me but forced to be my mirror, and he shows me, very quickly and intensely, the "wrong thoughts" I have.  If I am believing something I should not be believing, then he shows me.  And I know he does not really want to do this because James is a very loving man with a gentle disposition.  I know he wants to only be loving and kind to me so it must be torturous for him to by my mirror these last months, years really.  I mean he knows everything about me so he knows when I am sad and crying.  He knows when I've been terrified of him.  He knows... and I am sure it must be torturous for him.  James only ever wanted to show me love and make me happy.  I can't even imagine what this must be like for him now.  It would suck and I know really all he wants to do is hold me and kiss me and love me again because that IS him.  Loving, caring, kind.

To fall in love with a woman who you find and think, "She's perfect, everything I've asked for!" and then be forced to leave her can't feel good.  And I believe this is what happened to him.  He did not want to leave me.  And I know it hurt him to leave.  He told me he cried.  He told me he felt like he was going to have a heart attack and when I asked him why he said he needed to be reassured.  Reassured that he was not going to "lose me."  He showed me over and over that he wanted me with him, that he wanted to be with me.  He met my son and fell in love with both of us.  He looked at PJ so kindly and saw that I am a kind loving mother, progressive in my thinking, wanting the best for everyone including my son.  He met me and felt that he finally met the woman he wanted to have a child with.  And he likes PJ.  He told me he could see himself being PJ's step-daddy.  James met us and immediately loved us.

It's okay for me to believe that.  It is safe for me to look back and know my memories are not lying to me.  James took to my son very quickly.  He appreciated greatly that I am a good solid loving mother.  I had PJ on a schedule and routine that James saw.  I knew spending close quality time with my son at bedtime makes for a very secure child, and I always want my son to feel safe and secure even though we'd become a single-parent family.  James saw this about me too.  He saw how committed I am to my child.  He noticed right away that I am a loving woman, dedicated, responsible, mature and independent.  My ONLY issue, really, was my inability to realize my own worth and loveability.  I have to keep reminding myself that THIS WAS REALLY MY ONLY ISSUE.

I am not "bad."  I did not do anything WRONG.  I did nothing wrong.  All I did was love that man, fully and completely.  And I still do!  But I can't sit here feeling like I did something wrong because it was not "wrong."  I was scared, and those fears were uncontrollable.  Reality was he thought I was fucking fabulous and he fell hard in love with me.  Because I am fucking fabulous and very easy to fall in love with.

I am easy to love.  I am soft and cuddly and terribly affectionate.  I am humble and friendly and I always want everyone to be happy and to get alone.  I like peace and harmony- I am a total "harmonizer."  I love hard.  I have a warm caring personality, and when I love someone I like to make him feel good, take care of him, be nurturing and affectionate.  I just never ever had someone do that for me, not like James did, and I did not know how to deal.  I didn't know how to believe in it, trust it, or be not worry about when it would leave me.  I hid that pretty well though, but soul knows.  God knew what I needed to "heal."

I think James is still out there realizing I am all of those good things, the same stuff I think about him.  I am very similar to him in many ways.  We did seem like the same energy inside two different bodies.  I could not believe I met a man AS loving, caring and affectionate as I am!  It blew my mind!  And yeah, I was a little skeptical.  I had a hard time trusting something so wonderful!  Yet I only loved him.  And he knew it.  He knew I adored him, and he knows I love him now.  And my heart tells me that he's out there aching to be with me again because he KNOWS.  He feels the same as he did before.  He still loves me, and he realizes how hard I've fought to stay in this.  He realizes I'm overlooking a ton of shit in order to hold on to the wonderfulness of the man who blessed my life with his sweet angelic presence.

And I am certain he appreciates that and it makes him love me even more and he wishes I could fully believe or shift or focus or whatever it will take to bring us back together.  I just really feel he is out there aching to be back with me.  My guidance used to tell me that "Your gem is suffering.  He misses his princess."  That hurts my heart because the times when we DID connect that is exactly what he showed me.  He showed me that he misses me greatly and he wished he could just be with me.  I could hear the longing in his voice but I was too scared still.

I got a fortune cookie the other day that I got once before.  It says, "Time is precious but truth is more precious than time."  Yes time has passed.  But time means nothing.  People love each despite time or distance.  Emotions, heart, feelings... love- withstands any of that.  I take that message to mean that knowing truth is more important than how much time has passed, and I believe that.  James realizes I am a gem too, and my heart tells me that he is not content either and he really would love it if he could just come back and be with his Love again.  He misses me too.  I just know it, and I am not going to back down from that feeling.

I am worth it.  This does not all have to do with him being so perfect.  I am a wonderful person too.  I am genuine, just like he once told me, and he is right- people like me are rare today.  I love hard, and I love beyond all the stupid crap out there.  I forgive and love.  I just love people.  I am a walking ball of love just like I was told from above.  I help people.  I am a good mommy.  I hate to hurt anyone.  I like for people to feel good or feel better, and I fight for love.  I wish for peace in the world and I wish I could solve the world's suffering.  I just want us to all get along.  I have a beautiful pure heart, and I am honest.  I have my weaknesses, of course.  We all do.  Staying sober is a challenge but it does not make me a bad person.  It makes me human.  Because I am still human no matter how much I want to be "pure soul" in a human body.  But I love hard and deep.  And James saw that in me.  He told me that I am genuine and it is rare in this world and it is what he loves most about me, and I am still that same genuine rare woman now that I was 24 months ago.  I've fought so hard for us, and I know he realizes this.  If I was him I'd miss the fuck out of me too.

I believe he is still my partner in all of this and he does not want me to be hard on myself.  I've asked God to "help me through this" and I get what I ask for because the only way out is through so James keeps showing me what I need to see in order to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.  I pray I can shift this process around so it feels a little easier on both of us because I know it must feel like Hell to this guy to stay away from the woman he loves as well as... basically tell me the opposite of what he'd like to.  That would be like me being forced to scare the crap out of my kid, knowing he was totally scared, and being able to do nothing to comfort him and actually keep doing it all the while knowing he was scared and hurting.  That would be really difficult to do and the only way I could ever do something like that is if I knew, in the end, it was for his own good, would keep him alive, or something of that nature- absolutely necessary for his survival, and I'd still feel totally horrible for it.  Shit I can't even stand holding him down while he gets his shots.  I cry with him!  This is how I parallel this to how James must feel with me, not at all feeling good over having to be my mirror when I've been in such disbelief, doubt, etc.  I think of analogy of me and my child and when I even imagine my son then being scared of me or doubting me it's a horrible though, and it explains how I think James must feel right now.  Doing a job for me that hurts, that has seemed scary to me, and then I've been frightened of him, doubting him, and all along he's really only loved me, wanted the best for me, and wants to be loving and gentle to me.  I have not walked in his shoes or felt his side of our connection.  I have only felt my side.  It is not easy for me to put myself into his shoes or imagine what this experience must be like for him.  But if what I sense is really truth then he's feeling the same intense emotions for me that I do for him, just on a little bit different level. Gosh he's been the one "contracted" with me to show me these things about my beliefs that I have to see, so I can let them go, right?  And in the end I've cringed from him.  I want him.  I love him and still at times I've totally cringed away and been utterly terrified of him.  That is the God's honest truth.  I love the guy with all of my heart but at the same time I've consistently pulled away from him out of fear when probably I should have compassion for him for enduring this with me.  I feel like no matter where he is or what he's doing right now truth is he'd rather be with me, sharing life with me, loving with me instead of all this.

Poor guy :(...   I really do love him very much.

I feel like all he really would love to do is hug me and wipe away my tears, hug me and comfort me.  He wants me to be strong and feel proud of myself and realize how much I really have tried, know I am doing my best.  He wants me to be gentle to myself too.  And he wishes he could be gentle to me.  I need to understand this; I really do.  I need to understand that my twin soul is out there somewhere begging me to believe in his love for me, to know he aches too and misses me to no end and wishes we could be together because life is better for him with me in it.  Just like I feel about him.  It is not just me out here desiring to see him again; he wishes to hold me and kiss me again too.  I know my sweetheart longs to show me his honest truth again, his sweet, kind, loving, caring and gentle self.  I think it is hurting him to have to be away from me, and I don't revel in that believe me.  I'd like to allow us back to each other because I think it affects him too, just like it does me.  He misses his princess and does want me cuddled in his arms at night.

I am tired of sitting over here feeling like I am the only one.  I am not.  He has sacrificed too because having to walk away from someone as sweet and wonderful and kind and loving as ME would not be easy and would feel like total shit.  I'd miss the fuck out of me after loving me as much as he did.  And we shared some strong love people.  You take two people who are fucking crazy about each other, who can't stop kissing and touching, who have to be together sharing love, newly making love, kissy close intimate loving love, pillow talk for hours making love, always holding hands, always laughing and giggling and smiling and talking... and then BOOM- separate them and see what happens.  Feels like Hell.

And I KNOW it does not feel good to him either.  Don't get the wrong idea.  I do not want my Love to feel badly but I know he misses me.  I KNOW he misses me too.  I believe that James would do anything he has to in order to be with me because being with me is what he wants most in life, just like I want most to be with him.  If he could he would, and he wishes he could.

That is my truth and what I shall be focusing on.  I am doing okay.  I've tried and done the best I could.  I've stayed committed, worked and believed and held on as much as I could and I AM a warrior.  Anyone else would have turned tail and ran away but I have not.  I love him too much and I know that SWEET man I dated.  I know he is truth, and I just know he aches and longs and yearns to show me his love again.  I just feel in my heart that something about this connection means it falls on me to allow him to be his honest loving self again, and I am working on that.  I am.  I feel like he is counting on me and I love him too much to not keeping moving forward with him.

I know this is a pretty bold thing to say and most people would think I've got my head in the clouds but what if it's like this for all legitimate twin soul/twin flame couples?  I mean look at it- almost always one of them goes quiet, pulls away, etc.  And often it is the male who does this although in some cases it is the woman.  Looking at the situation from a "higher perspective" when if the one who leaves is suddenly plunged into becoming the mirror for the other?  I know everyone says it is a two-way street but I am not convinced.  I often wonder if they show us their "wounds" and really all it is still a projection of our worries and doubts.  And as long as we continue to believe what we think, and even what they show us, then they are imprisoned forever in behaving that way towards us because they are our twin souls- it is their job now, their mission, and they can't break free unless we help them.  A long time ago I read the twin soul book that Jenna Forrest channeled.  In it her guidance explains that at the end, once we reunite, we need to be gentle on them because after they come back they may seem odd or disoriented or just a little strange.  It was explained that we don't have any idea of the challenges they have been through, the pain, and I sometimes wonder if that pain they feel is because TRUTH is that all along they've loved us, longed for us, only wanted to come closer and with every disbelief we have, every doubt, every claim of "But he's broken!" we push them farther and farther away from us, or we actually move farther from them.

I know it is not a popular opinion but sometimes I wonder this.  It makes me feel a lot of compassion for both sides.  I will never ever believe in the weak un-evolved anawakened broken "runner."  Never. I feel that "runner" thing is just a guise spirit uses to force us into surrendering to seeing this experience from a divine perspective instead of a 3D viewpoint.  And in my case I feel that my twin is VERY very strong, a super strong soul.  I'd bet my life on it.  He's a powerful energy that is for sure.  I am too, in my own way.  I know he's helping me through. 

I miss my Love with everything I have inside of me.  I know he misses me too.

Jennifer

I Wouldn't Change A Day

I Wouldn't Change A Day

“I think they mean everything to each other. They love each other, on a profound level such is rarely found in life. They’d do anything for each other. They’re soul mates.” - Frank Spotnitz

I miss James.  He is my bestest soulmate, my sweetheart forever.  The Mulder to my Scully.  I am having a hard time being away from him; I just want to be with my Love.  I'd love to talk to my friend again.  I love him and miss him so very much.  I hope he is well, wherever he is.

That said, as I look back at the last months I can see why I have not heard from the "real" man I love.  There is little question as to why.  I'm almost a little embarrassed of myself.  My energy has been shit.  I can clearly say I have created all of my own suffering.  I've focused on the wrong things.  I've been angry, fiercely angry.  I've thought about other men and even talked with another man- I did get a huge sign afterwards but the intentional "damage" was already done.  All while writing on the blog about how much I love James, all while still writing in my journal, and it's not right.  It's contradictory and hypocritical.  It was not purposeful, born mostly out of fear, especially fear of the unknown.  Not knowing 100% what's going on behind the scenes makes me freak out and lose my mind sometimes.  But there has not been one single month of me having balanced energy, and since my energy is very strong I know I've created more of what I don't want.  My hope is my twin has "pushed" me to keep me on track because he actually is out there aching to see me again one day so he continues to be my guide any way he can.  It feels that way to me, like he's just doing his job, not letting me go, and it's for a purpose.  I have to be strong enough to see past it, to "view the situation from a higher perspective" like my guidance taught me even before I met James.  I always love James, always.  Lost is sometimes how I feel and then I waver, and I really need to stay solid in this.  I will allow myself to miss him.  I will continue to push myself back on track, and I will work so fucking hard to keep my focus no matter what.  That focus should be on love and truth, and on myself, my life and my twin soul.  I am not going to beat the shit out of myself.  My wandering off is never intentional.  It's me freaking out.  I've always only wanted him.  I've told the universe my intentions: only James.  I will stay steady.  EVENTUALLY I will learn SOMETHING and stay focused.  Spiritual maturity is growing bit by bit.  I will only go forward, even if it's baby steps. 

I also really really need to stay sober so there is that too.  I believe everything I write here on my blog.  It's when I let my mind get the best of me that shit starts to hit the fan.  Most of the time my blog is my heart.  Even when I ache and share that here- it is my heart.  Writing the love is my heart.  Believing in the mirror is my heart, and believing in James and his goodness is my heart.  But when I am angry or resentful or blaming- that is my head for sure.  And for me alcohol allows my head to overrule my heart- it's easier for me to feel shitty if I drink, and drinking is just crap for me, crap for my child.  I can really only be the best mom I can be if I stay sober.  It is a promise I am making to myself, for me.  For my sweet child too.  I can't live with myself being a total hypocrite, and right now I feel that way.

James is a good man.  I love him with all of my heart.  I am fortunate that if I was going to end up as a twin soul in this lifetime that James is the one I ended up connected with.  I wouldn't want it to be anyone else but him; I wouldn't have it any other way but him.  I am lucky to be with him in this.

I wouldn't change a day of the time I've had knowing James and having him here in my life. 

Xx Oo

Jennifer

Thankful

 

Well it looks like we are going to Disney World again this fall.  My whole family is going which is my brother and his wife and two boys who are 7 and 3, and my parents too.  So I asked my sister if she would want to go with me and PJ and share the room which would lower the price for her and me both.  She agreed and last night flights to Disney for October were $69.00 so I bought them.  I already have a little money put aside and I can come up with the rest for the trip before it gets here.  I don't spend much money on shit.  I use it for stuff like vacations!  It's always nice to have something to look forward to, especially when I am still waking up in the wee hours of the morning aching inside over James.  It hurts and I can't seem to find a way to make it stop so I just try to accept it the best I can, or any way I can sometimes.  So it helps to have fun things to anticipate.  

I just wish I was planning it with him going with us.  I wish we were a family.  I wish he was with us sharing life together so I am, again, bittersweetly sad this morning. I am so thankful for all the joy and blessings I have in my life but I miss James so much.  I really wish he was with us.

I am trying to focus only on what I love.  I love making my child happy.  I love that I am going to be able to take him to Disney World for the third year in a row.  Had anyone told me I'd do that a few years back I'd think they were nuts.  It's odd how some people seem shocked that I travel with him alone.  Well, duh, I have no choice right now.  It is either that or go nowhere so of course we travel alone.

I read all this stuff about twin souls, right?  And SO much of it says that in order to reunite we must have strong self-love and not be "co-dependent."  I am the farthest thing from co-dependent.  I take care of myself both physically and emotionally.  I don't need a man to take care of my life, and I don't NEED a man to tell me I am loved.  If I did then I'd go find "some man" to do those things for me but see I don't "need" that.  I experienced beautiful pure love with James and I want that back.  And only James.  Because I love JAMES.  Do you understand?  I fell in love with HIM and I miss HIM.  I don't miss just "being cuddled" or something like that.  I ache for my sweet little scientist who loves to golf and shared 80s music with me, who asked me all kinds of questions and jokingly told me that maybe our parents conceived us on Thanksgiving.  "Hot turkey sex" is what he said, and LOL, I've never been able to forget that!  He is so funny and friendly and silly, a total boyish goofball and I miss him so god damn much.  I can barely tolerate how I feel right now and I have to BEG God for mercy because I ache terribly.  I love the time we spent together and I want that back so much!  We'd be so perfect together, sharing a life together.  We were perfect together and I realize on a soul level we still are.  I believe he, on the spiritual level, is doing exactly what he has to in this union.  Sometimes I ask him to help me, like in my journal or in my head I will ask him to please help me, but I assume he probably already is doing what he can within the limitations of being my mirror.  I feel like truth is he really is still helping me just in a different way than my sensitive human self desires.  And I am trying very hard to see that, believe it, accept it and learn from it in order to do what I need to do so this can shift back around to truth. 

I guess what I am saying as I ramble on, and I have to or I might die keeping it all inside, is that I don't feel I have all of this healing and growth yet to do.  I feel I'm past that and I see things pretty clearly but now I have the responsibility of focusing my energy properly, and it's a work in progress. 

Our time together was the beginning of an absolutely beautiful balanced healthy relationship.  He told me some time ago that the number one thing he loves most about me is that I am genuine and pure, and he said that is rare today.  And he is right.  I am very genuine and authentic.  I am just "me" and I rarely hide myself.  No pretenses, especially not now.  Maybe in the past I did do that thing where I tried to make someone like me more by pretending to be something I am not, sometimes.  But I don't really feel I did that with James.  He saw the real me.  I did not hide my spirituality from him even though he is Atheist.  I felt he loved me enough to accept me, and he did, and it is too much a part of me to hide, especially back then when I thought I had an angel with me, lol.  Now I believe that angel to be my Higher Self.  James said he loved me even more for my passion about spirituality and God, and I know that is truth.  I remember when he told me.  I can hear his voice in my mind, so sweet and soft and loving telling me he loved me even more for being passionate and unique.

You have no idea, just no idea, how much I want to be back with this man.

I am no-drama.  No-chaos.  No bullshit.  I am just love.  Seriously.  I love to make the people in my life happy.  I like to treat others how I want to be treated, with love and affection.  And James, well he is the perfect candidate because he welcomed that love I have to give.  He wanted it, loved it, appreciated it and was ecstatic about it.  He's also that soft warm gooey love too.  He likes to give that love and he's also open to receiving it.  He's all love.  So we got along perfectly, loved along perfectly.  We shared so much love together in such a short amount of time and I have not at all recovered from him going away.  I have not gotten over it at all.  I am so so so strong on the outside so I smile and live and love and have fun and be a good friend, a good mom, a good family member.  I put on my happy strong face and do my absolute best to enjoy the life I have how it is now but I grieve him not being here with me every single fucking day, and it's not something I can share readily or at all.  I have a few dear friends who understand and all I have to say is, "I just really miss him right now."  And PJ knows.  He knows I miss James.  He always gives me my James bear at night.  My poor son is six years-old and he realized his mommy is very much in love with a man who is not here, and sometimes I will say, "I miss James sweetheart.  I really love him, " and he will say in his sweet little kid voice, "Yeah, me too."  He still remembers James being so nice to him and taking us out for our fun day.  I hope he remembers that always.  It was one of the nicest things any man had done for him up to that point, including his own father.  I am grateful to James for giving us both that wonderful experience because, and this might be hard to understand, up to that point no one had ever done something like that for me.  He was the first man to ever go out of his way to plan a day for me, plan a day for my son, all of us together.  My child's own father had not done that in three years.  So YES- I am undeniably still fully in love with him.  I can't help it.  He was an angel when he was in my life, a total love-angel.

I really do struggle with trying not to drink in order to dull the ache somewhat.  I am still working on that.  It's not like I am some raging alcoholic but I have to constantly remind myself either "Not too much" or, "Let's not drink at all tonight because it feels so much better being sober."  And I can "not drink."  I can go without drinking for weeks but the desire and temptation is there, and I only want to drink for the sedate effect it has, full on honest admission.  I like the way it makes me feel.  BUT it does feel so much better being sober.  Drinking does nothing good for me.  I feel too tired, get heartburn, am bloated, dehydrated no matter how much water I drink, headaches, weight gain and God knows it's not good for my insides or anything else.  I already know this, believe me.  But sometimes when I ache really badly it's nearly impossible to not cave to softening that "pull" just a bit.  I am doing the best I can there.  I refuse to beat the crap out of myself for anything; I have that right.  I'm trying- I really am. I am fortunate because my friend and roommate understands and I can be honest with her so she knows my struggle, knows when I feel weak, knows when I want to drink and she does not judge me.  I am thankful for her and her understanding me and being there for me.  I assume she lives with me for more reason than just needed a home for her and her kids.  I might lose myself if she was not there.  I refuse to beat myself up because this is honestly a really challenging situation and I am only doing the best I can possibly do, especially through daily heartache and always wishing he was back with me, dying to feel the real him again.  All I want is to feel my friend again.  He is so sweet and loving and kind and I miss that man.  I miss my friend, and FFS I know he is out there.  I KNOW it.

I wake about 4AM usually and lay there enjoying being snuggled in my bed.  Sometimes I will wake and write and sometimes I will lay there and try to fall back to sleep.  But songs fly through my mind and all I can think about is James.  I miss him so much.  I wish he was there snuggled up with me in bed cuddled together.  I loved our pillow talk time when I was in his arms against his chest quietly talking and snuggling, lightly kissing and smiling at each other, sharing thoughts and love.  He has the best hands, very tender and gentle yet strong and he'd stroke my skin while we talked, and he'd smile at me and kiss me too.  He really is just the sweetest man and I do ache because it felt so so right being with him.  Being in his arms felt more right and wonderful than anything else had in my life besides holding my child in my arms.  The two best things in my life, right there. I guess I say "I ache" because it is everything inside of me aching to be with him again.

I pray very hard to God to help me change this around because something has to give for the better!  I love him so very much, and I know people say love does not hurt and I understand that.  It is not my love for him that hurts.  It is physically being apart that hurts.  Teal Swan explains it very well when she says that once you meet that strong soul mate you run at your most optimal when you are together WITH them, and when apart it's like two high-power magnets always "pulling" back towards each other, and FUCK ME that "pull" aches.  He is the only man I want to be in contact with or talk to.  I just wish I could talk to him again like we used to.  I love how he was always so happy to talk to me.  There is nothing else I "need" in my life to make me happy or content but I do want James very much.  He is all I want that would bring me more happiness and make life more colorful and amazing.  I feel a bit lost without him.  He swept into my life, captured my heart, showed me what perfect love feels like, introduced me to his angel-self, and I will always want him and only him in my life as my loving male companion.

So yes I am thankful for opportunities like going to Disney World... but still I wish I had my Love in my life with me right now, like we were before, sharing love, touching, talking, kissing for hours, lost in each other and happy to be there just sitting on my couch all wrapped up engrossed in each other. 

And believe me... I do "smile because it happened" but... I really want him back with me.  Anyone else I'd be able to let go, would have let go ages ago!!!  But with him it is a totally different situation and we never ended, and I've always felt in my heart that we are meant to be together in the end, like he is my destiny, what my soul chose for me- our souls chose together to be with one another, sharing life together.  So while I do smile because I knew him- I've also only ever dreamed of him coming back to me one day, and I do have this strong hope because I believe he has loved me all along and wants to come back to me.  I just love him so very much. 

Hope

We all have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result, right?  Well I feel like I am stuck in that cycle right now of falling into the same patterns of behavior/thinking/speaking/writing etc. and it is keeping me in this spiraling loop which is creating the same shit for me over and over again.  I want to stop the fucking insanity.

If most of what I believe is actually true then I am the one keeping myself here in this spot.  Outside of this blog I have a life I live, you know?  And in it I DO a lot of the shit I write about on here that should be avoided!  I do!  It's like I honestly feel I know what I should do but then I slip up {again and again} and then I don't like my circumstances later.  So I have to change this.  Something must change, and I am the one who is going to have to do my best to make it happen.

I think #1 most important is for me to keep my focus on love and truth while keeping my hope alive. And this means if I want to miss him deep down all the way to my soul then I will because the ache I have for him to be back in my life is born of the strong love I have for him.  Only him.  If I wanted/needed to have someone shower me with affirmations about my worth or my beauty or my desirability I could go out and find someone to do so.  I don't need that or want that.  I only want James' love because I love JAMES.  And yeah I miss him.  I am going to be faithful to my heart and my heart loves him.  Yes I do feel strong emotions and this is important for me to make clear.  I MUST honor the love I feel for him even if it means allowing in the missing and the ache because it is still love-derived.  It is when I try to be "strong" and not miss him that I fall into anger, when I don't listen to my heart.  That is when I start hating God and getting angry and falling into ego.  So instead I will love the shit out of him, write about him, think of him, miss him and cry if need be.  I cry because my heart longs for him yet it's still a sweetness.  I'm lucky I have someone so special to love so much that I miss him with all my heart.

See here is the thing I am trying to wrap my brain around: I still think about and discuss the "wrong" stuff.  The way I look at it is I'd much RATHER focus on love and truth even if it makes me miss him and want him more and more {which can sometimes be painful} instead of focusing on most of what has happened over these last 29 months.  I honestly think missing James is fine and okay.  Loving him so much that I miss him is such a better emotions than fearing, doubting, worrying or being angry.  My guidance once told me that it is okay to miss him, that my heart was aching and that was to be expected.  Never once in all of the guidance I received from above was I told I could not miss James.  I was never told to not want him or to "let go" or anything like that.  I was told to strongly remember him in his love and truth, focus on our good memories, and that is what I am going to do.

I guess I won't be wearing mascara for a while.

This is my truth.  Yeah maybe I do live off in my own little world but the people like me here.  They think I'm cool and funny and have all the right dance moves.

So a little heads up to anyone who might still be reading my blog, it will mostly consist of constant loving thoughts, reflections, memories, and adoration etc. of my twin.  There is nothing left to say besides focusing on love, empowering my truth like my guides always told me to.  You know?  I've said it all already.  I really have.

Yeah peeps I ache.  I love him so much.  And I do believe he loves me.  I look back at all the times he's shown me he wants to come back.  I think to myself I surely would have wanted to come back and be with me again too!  It makes my heart ache so very much to remember how badly he wanted to get back here, the longing in him, how he would sigh and tell me he missed me.  I wish he could have come back. I am sorry for both of us that he was not able to.  I know he wanted to.  I pray he still can.  You all don't know the courage it takes me to allow myself to believe he WANTS me and misses me very much too.  It's been a huge block for me to understand this man has always been sad to be away from me.  That is my truth, and I will fight against all fear or doubt to hold on to that truth because I KNOW James.  I remember the intense love he showed me, and it's still out there.  All of that, the love, truth and hope and faith, has to be my focus now.  Why?  Because we reap what we sow and man I'd love to reap hearing my sweet angel's voice again.

I am sure you realize I write here for me, for anyone who this might resonate with, and also for James.  I believe that anything I write here he also knows.  And I want him to know how much I always will love him, always, because I believe in and appreciate the sweetness and love he showed me and I know that love is truth.

How Long Will I Love You?

Can't Help Love

I heard this version of "Can't Help Falling In Love" today and it's so sweet.

I fell in love with James a long time ago.  I think I fell for him before I ever even heard his voice.  His sweet endearing personality shined through in his first emails with me.  I kind of knew I was gonna love this guy just through how he expressed himself to me via email.  SO SWEET, asking me tons of questions, wanting to know me better, thanking me for talking to him and telling me he was excited to get to know me better.  I cannot bring myself to go back and read those because I am just not strong enough.  It might kill me!!!  I do miss my Love, and bringing him THAT close to me, all his truth and genuine goodness, sometimes makes me ache so much that to simply remember it all is enough.  One of these days I will power up my old cell phone and look as his pictures and read our text messages to get a really big hit of him.

I might even break down and listen to his old voicemail messages although yes I will cry.  I will bawl and hug myself and rock back and forth while I listen to him {as I smile through my tears} tell me how wonderful of a girlfriend I am, how lucky he is to have me in his life, and telling me he could tell how much I love him. His sweet voice.  I miss his sweet voice so much.  Oh my love I miss you!

I done already fell in love with him immediately.  And when I saw him walking towards me on our first date wearing his black t-shirt that looked so sexy with his blue eyes I really knew I was screwed.  I was like WTF is up?  This guy is adorable, and that disarmingly boyish smile... OMG.  Like why was this sexy guy even single and available, and how the Hell did I land him?  And I knew he'd like me.  And he did.  It was perfect, just perfect.

So I fell right away for him.  I could not help falling in love with James.  Not at all.  I was ecstatic to know him.  I was happy to fall in love with him!  I did not "fall in love" with him- I DOVE in, lol!  He was so fun to fall in love with.  I felt like the luckiest girl ever, and I was literally pinching myself like, "Is this even real because this dude is amazing."  I even sneaked off to the bathroom to text my friend and I told her "OMG he is perfect I am so excited!" because I was excited.  He'd look at me while he sipped his beer and the look he gave me made me about fall off my stool, this knowing little boyish grin.  It was the best first date ever and I fell in love with him immediately.

And I am still very much in love with that sweet bouncy cute friendly caring man I met.  I will always be in love with him.  I can't HELP but be in love with him.  I can't stop loving him.  I will only be able to love him.  Something happened when I met him, something terrible unexpected for me.  I was always the one who could move on after a love was meant to be out of my life.  I still have unconditional love for the people I "fell in love with" before I met James.  But I don't want them in my life any longer.  I had one reach out over a year ago and he told me he would get me over James, he'd win me over and I'd want to be with him... and the thought made me cringe.  NEVER.  I only want to hear James call me sweetheart or honey or baby or say, "Goodnight beautiful."  I only want James calling me sweet pet names.  I may have been able to move on before I met him but now it is not possible for me. Something changed.  It can only be explained by soul.  My soul must want me to feel like this and there is no way around it.  I am soooo in love with him.

I have my girlfriends and family to talk to.  The only man I want to discuss life with or "get to know" on any level is still James.  I can only tolerate any type of "sweetness" from either family, my son or James.

At Christmas he emailed me and wrote, "Merry x-mas beautiful," and I'm not gonna deny that it made my heart sing, feeling my Love again.  I LOVE him and I know he is meant to be with me, and I miss the fuck out of him and his sweet words and his kind gestures and his wonderful heart and his endearing presence.  Being referred to as "beautiful" only sounds right coming from him.

Because I am so totally in love with him, and I just can't even help it.  I fell in love with him a long time ago and in love is where I stay.  I do love him so very much.  But love is a good feeling; it's a good energy.  So I don't mind sharing my love here.  It's a love only other twin souls can understand though, and I am proud to say my love is strong enough, courageous enough, to stay strong.  I love hard, and I love him with everything I have.  I love him no matter what, and I've always told him that.  I will love him despite anything.  Just like my son will always always be loved unconditionally by me, so is James.  And it's s special love.  A protective love.  He deserves my love for all we've been through together.

I couldn't help falling in love with you, my sweetheart.  Couldn't help loving you now even if I tried.

XxOo

Jennifer