Golden

My Love

Do you know what is one of the hardest parts of this for me?  The silence.  It's why the title of my blog makes me chuckle in irony.  Because I don't particularly like the silence.  It is very hard to take.  It is hard to take because I know it is abnormal.  We loved talking to one another.  Even when we met recently he said to me "I do love talking to you."  And yes, yes I know he does.  I know he wants to talk to me.  He misses our conversation.  We made great conversation.  He is very easy to talk to.  We talked all the time.  I don't think you realize what I mean- we were always in communication, all day long on and off, from the first day we met.  Actually there was one week in there, before we met face to face, where I cut him off {I still cannot believe I did that!} and his absence in my life, only after talking to him for a couple weeks and not meeting yet, was SO huge that I needed him back.  I felt this gigantic loss not talking with him for a few days and I'd only just met him.  But see we connected so hard.  So fully.  So beautifully.  And we talked all the time.

It just kills me because he even said good morning every morning and good night every night.  And one time, this is so cute and shows how considerate he is of my feelings, he was leaving for work early and he did not want to text me because he thought it might wake me.  So he emailed me instead and explained that he did not want me to be worried or sad to not get a "good morning" from him so he was emailing me instead to let me know he was leaving for work early, and he would say hi later.  THAT is my James.  Right there.  That is the man I fell in love with, entirely sweet and kind and caring.  Always making sure I felt safe and loved.  UGH- I know that is him, with everything in me I know that is James.  That respectful protective man who always wanted to make sure I felt good and was happy.  I miss him so very much!!!

We talked on the phone for hours and hours.  We knew if we ended up on the phone we'd need at least like three hours because we never hung up sooner than a few hours.  My ears used to hurt after talking with him from keeping the phone to my ear for so long.  But the hours flew past when we talked.  And I've missed that so much that it sometimes just slays my heart; it hurts so fucking bad not being able to talk to him one on one.  I CRAVE to be able to just look at my phone when it rings and see that it is him calling, like he used to.  When we dated he called all the time.  He'd call just to say hello.  He'd call to talk for hours because he wasn't over at my house.  He'd text to say good morning.  He'd email throughout the day.  He'd ask me multiple questions via email for me to answer so we could get to know each other better.  It really was the best relationship and we were so so so open and transparent with each other.

That is why when a twin "switches" and becomes someone they are not- you feel like you are losing your fucking MIND because you KNOW "this cannot be real!!!!"  Because it feels so not right, more not right than not right.  And that is how it was for me.  I just knew something was not right; that it could not be his INTENTION because we got along so perfectly and he LOVED talking with me so much.  He used to tell me how much he loved hearing my thoughts and how easy it was to talk with me.  How we did not even need to watch TV because we talked {and kissed!} so much.  No other entertainment necessary.  He loved communicating with me.

Hence why the silence is NOT golden.  It just is not golden at all.  Maybe it is for a reason and I can understand that but it does not mean I have to like it.  I just can't.  I have never wanted to have an OPEN AND HONEST conversation with my twin more than I do right now.  We were so transparent with each other and then... now... it's just not quite right.  Something is still not the same when we do communicate, and I know it is some reflection of me or what I am doing or thinking and I am SO trying to figure it out so it can change.  I want 100% truth and honesty from my twin soul.  I NEED it.  I've been losing my fucking mind trying to get through all of this.  Trying to focus on truth and love.  Trying to... deal with the fact that I crave intimacy and connection so fucking bad!  I am human and I crave a connection.  And I am just trying so hard to hold on and be honest and faithful and good and do whatever it is I need to do in order to change the reflection back to trust, truth, honesty, love and light.  Gentle love.  Honesty.  I want honesty so so so bad.

Honesty.

I know my twin soul is a good man.  A very very wonderful person.  He is obviously a strong soul too.  I feel he is the more awakened twin.  Well, not think. I KNOW he has been the more awakened twin reaching out to help me through, my mirror to show me what I need to shift around inside of me or release.  And I can appreciate that fully, and I do.  I am trying to see things very clearly and make the right choices.  Focus rightly.  But I am so tired.  I am lonely.  And I am tired.  And I am doing my best.  But I want more than just "tactics" now.  I want my twin soul back in my life.  And I know it is one me so I am... just... missing him and wanting him back in my life.  I want it to be where he reaches out and I respond and then he responds back.  And I hear from him again.  Or he sees me and then I HEAR from him again!  I want that!  I really do.  I know he loves me!  I know it kills him to be away from me.  I just know it.  I know he'd much rather be with me than away from me and I wish that could happen now.  No I have not been perfect but I've tried by best and I still am doing the best I can but I PRAY this can shift more now.  Shift more towards reconnection.  I have so many dreams of us.  I want to hold his hand again.  I want to walk along easily talking, honest truthful conversation, holding hands and smiling and loving each other like we did before.

I miss that easy wonderful loving relationship we had together.  It was so fucking beautiful.  Our love for each other is beautiful.  Our time spent together is beautiful.  The kisses and touches and love we make together is so so beautiful.  Everything about James is beautiful to me and it is I want to see him so bad.  Desperately need to see him.  I need to see his precious face again.  I want to touch his cheek and look into his eyes and smile and kiss his lips.  I want to see that little smile he gives me as he touches my face and brings me closer to him for a kiss.  I want to make love with him again.  I want to hold his hand.  I want to hear all of the sexy sounds he makes when he makes love to me. I want to feel the tender passion in his kisses.  I just love him so much and my GOD being away from him, us not in communication, hurts so much that sometimes it makes me want to run off.  More and more lately I've found myself having to really try to stay in this because I want to talk to him so badly and it hurts to not talk to him.  I just want to talk to my love.  I want to talk to my love!  He is my sweetheart and yes he is the one I want as my future, James is.  I want him as my future.

His recent emails told me he wants me too and to just accept it.  And I do.  But I need more so I am doing my best to manifest that.  And I hope to God I can focus right and make this happen soon because I need him in my life.  NEED.  Not want.  Not just desire.  I need him in my life.  My life would be so much more wonderful and colorful and blissful and amazing and loving and joyful if I was sharing it with James.  It was when we were together.  Those were the best days of my life and the memories are bittersweet because I want those moments back.  And I feel he wants those moments back too.  Kisses where time stopped and we could nearly melt into each other with just a kiss.  A long passionate sweet loving hours-long kiss.  Kisses.  God our kisses were so perfect.  I have enjoyed good kisses before but with James they were just the BEST kisses.  Blissful to where if you asked me, "What is your most favorite thing in the world to do?" I could easily tell you it is making out with James.  I want to kiss him again.  I need to kiss him again.  I miss his sweet kisses.  I miss him like crazy.  Like CRAZY.  Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind because I miss him so much.  And yes- when you miss a person like this, to where it fucking hurts, you want to escape it.  And I've fought that often.  I try to be as committed as possible to my twin.  But missing him aches and I need him back in my life.  And I don't feel I am alone in that need; I know he feels the same and I believe his recent words to me are truth, the he thinks of me all the time and he wants me in his life and he wants to hold my hand and kiss me... like I do him.  I know my feelings are mutual.  I just need to find out how to make this happen because quite frankly I am very much in love.  Very much in love.  I miss him so much.  So very much.  I miss his blue eyes and his warm strong embrace.  I miss his hands... he has the sexiest hands and a tender touch and the way he reaches out to touch my face makes me insane- I just need him back.  I really need him back.  I want to walk with him and talk with him and spend time together, dating and laughing and talking.  And making tons of sweet love because our lovemaking is sweet and right.  Pure and genuine.  Healthy.  He once told me we had a healthy good relationship, and he is right.  What we shared is pure love.  A good clean pure genuine love- what love is supposed to be.  

Divine love.  Pure love.  Lasting love. 

I try to stay pretty balanced on this blog.  There is a lot I do not say.  And much I cannot share because I truly 110% believe I will manifest what I focus on, so please understand there are only certain things I will put into writing.  Like my love for him and my knowing, my pure knowing, that he loves me too and has all along and he wants to be in my life.  Wants to be.  Aches to be in my life.  I know he feels like I do, and I want him to be able to be with me!  And my son!  He is supposed to be with us, and I believe that is why it hurts so much.  Because he is meant to be with us.  I want him to be my husband and my son's step-daddy.  My son would absolutely adore having James in his life, and James would, lol, love my son.  He'd get the biggest kick out of my child.  James would be such the perfect addition to our lives.  He was so sweet and kind to my son when he dated me- just a beautiful man in general and I miss him so much.  I am so thankful to know him but I miss him.  I just love him.  I really do.  Not a moment goes past that I don't miss him, and sometimes that aches so badly that I don't know what to do with myself.  I just wish he could be back with me now.  I pray that moment comes soon.  I pray that I do whatever it is I need to do in order to manifest allowing him to come towards me again in truth, honesty and love.  I firmly believe that we control the union, those of us in my position.  I'd bet the farm on it.  And I am... doing my fucking best to try and move this along because I miss James from the bottom of my heart and I want him in my life.  And I believe he feels the same way.  I want to let him come back to his love.  His honey.  I want to be able to hear his sweet adorably sexy voice again and see his dear smile and feel his warm arms around me, embracing me while we hold each other.  I want to lay my head on his chest and be held by him.  *sigh* 

I just love him so very much.

Jennifer