Well...

I'm actually pretty irritated and upset with myself right now for being a stubborn idiot who creates my own suffering time and again and I'm wondering if and when I will ever learn how to stop doing this. I might not be blogging for a bit while I try and regroup.

I pray so hard that our twin souls really are always with us and reunion is always possible once energy shifts. Like no matter how many times we screw up we can still clear things to make room for them to come back to us.

I'm sure it is me and my energy and I'm not sure exactly what I'm not doing right or I need to shift but it seems I must have done something that was reflected back to me in a way that makes me sad. I might know why but I don't know for sure.
Maybe I'm being shown to back off and slow down and focus on my energy. I can do my best to stay sober and also not freak out or lose faith or run away when something happens that makes me lose heart.

Also in the past when these things happen I get angry but I cannot do that now. All I get now is worried that I'm going to run out of chances. And I get terribly terribly sad when I think "Fuck I probably should not have done that," because it puts even more space and quiet between us and I honestly do love him and miss him and I ache to see him again but I'm going to have to buck up and deal with whatever comes my way. I'm pretty darn sure I create my own messes. I make my bed and now I gotta sleep in it and if much rather sleep in It with James which makes me just shake my head at myself. It is so sad. And if my poor twin soul really is out there missing me and wanting to be close to me and all I do is continue to keep him away then I feel even more horrid.

I love and miss James. I long for him so strongly. I keep hearing this song and it makes my heart both ache and melt because the time I knew James can be defined by the words of this song. He made my life such a better place when he was here. It was the absolute best time of my entire life. My only wish is to have those times back again. That sweet wonderful energy. The joy and gentleness and having such an absolutely wonderful boyfriend, lover and friend in my life. I was entirely blessed when he was here. Fully and completely. He was a huge gift in my life. I've missed my gem every day since he has been gone. The regret I feel knowing that man actually wanted to stay with me and make a life with me but it is nearly three years later and I still have not managed to fix this is huge. HUGE regret. And I must keep my ego in check. I may not feel like I asked for this experience but I'm in it and I love this man enough to hope with my entire heart and soul that twin souls really are meant to come back together here on earth to share life and live together and all is not lost.

Like why else would one twin nearly always always go quiet in some form or fashion if not to show the other one the effects of her energy and intention to force her to have total awareness of her focus? It is too cookie cutter to be anything less than a divine process and it is one I've been going through pretty seriously for a while now. And I would love to get through it and back into James' arms again.

I'll be honest I'm not sure what to do right now. My heart wants him but maybe I'm too stubborn. Maybe I'm pushing too hard with my own will and that is a hard thing for me to break myself of. I wish I was more passive peaceful and patient. Maybe I'm being forced to learn those things. Maybe that is what surrender is. I'm not sure. It also may be something I did that I should not have although at the time I did not really think my intentions were off.  Upon reflection might not have been my best choice.

I do know I love James and believe he is a very good man. I believe that somewhere out there he loves me and cares for me. My desperate hope is these things happen to strongly show me where I am off course so I get back on so we can eventually come back together. Beyond that I can only ask God and my twin and Higher Self to go easy on me right now while I try and stay afloat. I pray for continued peace, sobriety, temperance and I ask God to ease my aching heart because I miss James a lot. I might be having a challenge getting this shit under co tell but it doesn't mean I miss him any less. My heart is in my throat right now. Not knowing when I might hear from him or see him when two months ago he was here kissing me and making love to me is hard to take. It is so scary for me, not knowing. Limbo is frightening. It means all I really can do is pray and hope for the best.

And I miss him and love him. As always.

Jennifer