Maybe I'm not supposed to feel stupid. I don't think we are meant to judge ourselves harshly but I feel stupid. I look back over these years I've been going through this process with James and I feel like a butthead.
When we recently met it was first at the bar by my house, where we first met. I don't go to bars anymore unless I karaoke because none of my friends go to bars and why would I go alone? That would just be asking for trouble. I love to karaoke but I hate being out until 2 or 3AM so I really have to be in the mood for a long evening if I'm going to go out singing. Sometimes I do. Its fun.
But James and I met at this bar two months ago and he did mention that he though I had quit drinking. I had ordered a beer. I thought about it for a moment and I said something like I'm trying to be careful. Which is not really true. I'd like to be careful. I'd like to not drink alone at all ever again in my life to be honest with you. That would be great.
But I feel sad now that I did not take that opportunity to open up to him and be fully honest and vulnerable. I was scared. Cautious. Careful. I had no idea what to say to him. Was afraid to ask him much about his life because I did not want it to seem like I was prying. Didn't want to ask about "us" because it felt like I was not supposed to. And I clammed up when he gave me a chance to share with him.
And the tragic part is I want to be able to confide in James. I ache to have a relationship with him where he knows my battles and weaknesses and I'm comfortable sharing with him, and him with me. I would never judge him and I know he does not judge me either. My heart aches for that close comfortable loving friendly warm relationship with him. I have never had that before with a man. Not long-term. I'm so used to being alone. And being alone sucks for me. I do not like it. Been too long alone. I'm lonely. I wish James was with me instead of me always trying to handle life by myself without that close mate with me. God knows I try my best but I'm floundering a bit. I'm tired. I ache. I really wish I had James with me as the close companion in my life I could turn to for help. A shoulder. A hug. Support. Friendship. I'm so exhausted with being alone. I want it to be James. I'm sad that all this stuff inside me has put distance between us. Just because I realize that I'm the one who can basically be considered "the runner" does not make it any easier to take.
Ugh 2AM thoughts. I feel sad. I wish I would have taken the opportunity to actually talk honestly with James when he was here and mentioned that I was drinking. As simple as telling him I'm finding it difficult to stay sober. I miss my friend. I wish I could hug James. I remember when he asked me if I had ever cheated on my husband and I lied at first. I was scared to be honest but then I told myself come on... don't lie. So I told the truth and he was so sweet and kind and accepting of my answer. No judgment whatsoever at all. Said he understood. Did not make me feel bad or like I would do it again or like he was afraid to date me now that he knew. I told him I'd never do it again because in the future if I was ever that unhappy in a relationship I'd end it. But looking back and remembering how unconditionally loving and gentle he was with me makes my heart ache.
I miss that dear man. I feel gutted and like something I cherish is missing from me and I constantly feel the longing to have it back. Him back. He is such a gem just like my guidance told me he was. I love him. I try to be so strong but I really wish he was here in my life so I could... turn to him for the support I need. Love and affection. Comfort and security. Friendship. Companionship. And I want to offer the same to him.
I love him.
I'm going to try and get back to sleep.
Jennifer
I went through a stage when my twin and I would have contact and I was so afraid he would disappear again that I monitored what I wrote in emails to try to make them perfect.
ReplyDeleteYeah you can't do that. They know. You have to be willing to just be yourself and honest. If not then you'll either get no response or something off or however it will be reflected back to you. I did the same thing too, believe me. Now I know I might not hear back from him but I say how I feel. And I love him and believe he loves me too, and I ache to see him or talk with him again. So those are some of the things I share. Or that I know he is wonderful and kind. I know him. I remember our memories. Be willing to be vulnerable I guess. Funny how we are taught little by little how to be fully genuine and honest and unafraid.
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