Kisses

Oh my heart is aching.

I pulled out some of my old channeled messages last night and read through them while sitting outside.  I wanted to enjoy the full moon but the mosquitoes were so bad!  And then once I climbed in bed I kept nodding off so I went to sleep, lol.  But I did read through some of my old guidance and I see where I was told over and over and over again to believe in his love.  And I was told time and again to focus on "kisses" and that love is kisses.  Back then I could not grasp what my guidance might have been trying to tell me.  Still I don't know for sure.  I can only speculate.

Last night my friend and I were discussing stuff.  I told her I really wish I was married to James.  And I mentioned the kissing thing to her.  She said normally when two people kiss like that it is way more lustful and it leads to more pretty quickly.  It is not "normal" for two forty year-old people to sit around making out for hours, totally clothed, for a month.  And I know that's truth.  I miss kissing James.  We'd kiss for hours.  It was the absolute best time of my life.  It felt so good and safe and comfy and warm to sit wrapped up in his arms kissing and kissing.  Oh he is such a good kisser.  But those kisses really did show me just how much he loves me.  Because to kiss someone like that night after night, to look forward to those kisses {and I know he did} means you really love the person you are kissing and you want to be as close as possible, even if it is not yet time for full on naked lovemaking.  It is bittersweet to think of those kisses because they were wonderful but I miss them so much.

I miss James so very much.  I know I've had people on the blog tell me not to focus on missing him, and I get that, but still it can be hard.  I do miss him.  I ache for him on every level.  I wish we could kiss again.  I wish I could kiss him every night.  I wish I had him in my life to where I could kiss him whenever I wanted to.  Where I could look forward to kissing him at the end of the night.  My life would be so fully blissfully happy just to have James in it as my friend and lover, the one who is mine and all mine, only mine, forever.

I have never been one to believe this journey is about getting over wanting to "own" someone.  James is not in my life right now and I really don't know much about his life at all or what he's done over these last 30+ months.  Yet I still love him tremendously.  I love him no matter what.  He does not have to be here fawning over me for me to love him unconditionally.  I love him always.  But that does not mean that I don't want him here with me as the love of my life.  Loving a twin soul does not mean you have to wipe your hands of them and force yourself to think, "Oh I should not want him.  That's not being unconditionally loving!"  Bull-fucking-shit.  When you love a person- you LOVE that person.  Hey I am all for wanting that person to be happy, and dealing with disappointment if it comes, but it does not mean that you can't look in the mirror and say, "I really wish he was with me.  I love him so much."  That is natural.  It is unnatural to want something so bad but lie to yourself about it.  That is not being true to yourself at all.

I want James in my life.  I look back at those kisses and realize this guy drove to my house after working all day and spent hours just kissing me.  He loves kissing me, and I know he still does because he showed me and he told me recently.  And I already knew it.  He craves our loving kisses still.  Nothing changed.  He still feels the same and he wants to kiss me.  I just feel that in my bones.  His recent messages- I still am not sure if I've totally processed them.  I keep reminding me of the one thing he said to me which was that he does want me in his life and to accept that.  So even though there is silence right now I keep telling myself to remember those messages.  Remember him saying that he can't stop thinking of me and he wants me in his life and he wants to be kissing me and inside of me every night and I am beautiful and so desirable and he loves my... lol, yeah.  Any beyond that he said that yes, he loves me and always has loved me.  And YES I know this.  I know this stuff is truth.  THESE words are real.  The silence is not easy to take let me tell you.  I want him NOW.  Right now.  It has been too long.  Getting a quick dose of the man I know and love is such a beautiful thing but I want him back now fully.  Totally, completely.  I KNOW he loves me and craves my kisses and wants to spend time with me and show me his love and make love with me constantly.  I know he thinks I am far more beautiful than I think of myself.  I smile to know how pretty he views me to be, and I am thankful for that.  But I MISS him.  I want all of that wonderfulness IN my life, right freaking now.  He kissed me for hours and hours when we dated.

He kissed me whenever he could.  We stopped for a train one night and he immediately turned to me with a smile and said, "Train kiss!" and kissed me so hard!  It took my breath away.  Among other things.  All I wanted to do was get him home and naked, lol, and that did happen about 15 minutes later.  I remember that night because he took me out for dinner and I had such a fun time with him.  He's so cute and personable and easy to be with.  And afterwards he wanted to visit a park that my son and I go to.  He wanted to see it so we went and walked to the river and looked around, and he held my hand the whole time, and on the way home we stopped at a restaurant that had a bar to get a drink.  He commented about how people are always on their phones now, constantly.  And I appreciated that he did not do that with me.  He focused on me, not his phone.  But after about the second beer I remember just looking at him and thinking, "Okay I soooo need to get out of here now and get this man home so I can get him naked and fuck him silly!"  He is SO cute.  OMG- It's just so bittersweet to bring his memory to mind so clearly because I miss him and love him and want him back so badly.  Train kiss on the way home and then once home oh yes we did get naked quickly and made good love, with plenty of pillow talk afterwards.

And I ache for all of that again.  And he's just recently told me he wants all of that with me again.  I believe that.  I just don't know when it will happen.  But I believe it will.  I just hope it is soon because I am over here losing my fucking ever-loving mind, going out of my head, wanting him.  I love him and want him in my life.  I want him to ask me to marry him.  I want to have our small wedding with sushi on the beach and I want to dance with him at our wedding.  I want to hold him so tight and thank every God out there who might exists and my Higher Self/guidance and every angel and the universe and The Force and anything else out there- for this man.  I LOVE him so much and all I want is to share a warm happy loving life with him, my son and hopefully another child.  THAT is my own personal dream, right there.  I hold that dream very close to my heart.  I think of making love with him knowing we are trying to create a child.  I want that so much.  I don't think I've ever wanted anything more, ever.  I want to marry him and be his wife and love him and be loved by him.

And I want to kiss the stuffings out of him forever.  He is so sweet to kiss, so lovely to know.  I miss him.  I want to talk to my friend and love again.  I want us to be together and part of each others lives.  I wish that with my entire heart and soul.  I pray for the moment when we come together again.  I do hope it's soon because it is taking a lot of willpower for me to not just be a crazy person emailing him and telling him how much I love him every day.  I believe he welcomes my messages even if I don't get a response but at the same time I feel my energy work makes more of an impact {is more important energetically} than me shooting him emails.  But I miss him.  So much.  I love him.  So so much.

I have the sweetest photo of him.  I took it when we were in Chicago and he was next to The Chicago River.  Sweetest little smile, soft gentle face while being as sexy as possible.  I have not looked at that picture in a long time.  I only have one on my phone, a picture of him and I together that he took before he left.  And I'm told we look so perfect together, and we do.  I look at that picture and I want to cry because we look happy, and we were, but it is so obvious to me how in love with him I was when he took that picture, and how absolutely heartbroken I was that he was leaving.  I need to look at the other photo again.  That was a very fun night, one of the best of my life, my dream date in the city.  I had such a good time with him, and he held my hand the whole night.  I wish I could do that with him again.  I just wish he could be with me again now, together.

I miss his sweet kisses. 

Photograph