I will say that one type of "tool" I really do put a lot of stock in is anything that offers "divination." Like angel or tarot cards, or even songs, or license plates, anything that SPEAKS to us because spirit is always trying to guide us but it needs ways to get through to us. I am no longer one for stones or reiki or anything known to be "spiritual." I can't help it. None of that holds any importance to me. I love to light incense but only because I have three cats living in my house and when they crap it smells like a 500 lb gorilla ate a donkey and then came and took a dump in the cat box and I can't tolerate bad smells.
I know if I need a sign I can pick up my "Mom's Bible" which is a really beautiful bible I own {because although there is a ton of man-created fear-mongering in the bible because man has bastardized God's loving message I also feel there is some truth in the bible, the truth about love is in there mixed in with a lot of bullshit that "man" added in there to try to control people through fear, *koff koff*} but I can pick up that bible and ask for a sign and open it up to something "my guidance" wants me to know. Or how my son asked to pull my cards the other day {since I never do anymore} and he pulled "Manifestation" and "Creative Energy" because, duh Jennifer, I am being shown to be very very careful with what I choose to create right now. So I do believe in divination, and I think even the Ouija board can be used for some who realize it is only Spirit speaking through it... only of the light. I used to use a pendulum and my guidance spoke to me clearly through that tool until it decided I had received enough guidance and then it stopped. I am not sure if I tried again that it might work. Dunno, probably don't need it anymore.
But I am genuinely thankful I had that guidance when I did or else I'd easily be dead right now. I would have killed myself had my guidance not explained to me, in detail, about this process as it was happening. Shit, the thought of not having all of that guidance given to me constantly, reassuring me through my fear, is terrifying. I would NEVER have made it through. And THAT is one major reason why I keep this blog. Because if someone needs to find help and cannot hear their own guidance then they can read my words and know they are NOT crazy, not... being left behind or punished or, the worst thought ever, totally being ignored and rejected by the one person they love more than life itself. *sigh* Entering into separation feels like you have been plunged into Hell. I do not want anyone to have to go through that experience alone. I always hope they find my experience and are offered some solace through it. So again, tools of divination I think are a really important part of this but it can be anything. A song, a word from a stranger, a license plate or bill board, a message on a t-shirt, a tarot or angel card message, or some specific written guidance you might locate {like stumbling on a blog like this one that feels SO eerily the same as what you might be going through that it eases your mind just enough that you don't jump off that bridge!} It can come in strange ways but I hope we are all open to it when it comes. I think it is very cool and still after all this time I get tickled by it, especially the songs. I get a lot of songs.
I have to say I look back sometimes and see what a shit I can be. Not long ago my twin {not on accident I'm sure} asked my my feelings about God and my guidance. And I got pissed off inside, not at him but at God. I was pretty mad and spiteful in my energy. When I should not have been. I might not always feel good in this but I know my guidance has always only tried to help my stubborn {and scared and hurting} ass.
It seems that right now I need to pray for patience more than anything. I don't like to "wait." I think this is one reason why all along I've kept writing in my journal and stuff because I need to feel like I am "doing something" and being active in this. I hate "waiting." I am not one who believes that divine timing is some preset time God has chosen to give us something we want. I feel it has more to do with our energy and focus, etc. I know with my entire being that reaching union does not mean handing it all over to God and trying to focus elsewhere. It means being an active participant in allowing our twins to come back to us.
That said- this morning my son said something to me that was probably another reminder to stay on task. For some reason here recently I've found it harder than ever to be patient in this. I don't want to disrespect my twin soul or my union. I know that I've created this distance and separation but even in knowing that- for some reason I'm just feeling like I am *really* having to try more than ever to keep focused on my journey.
Every morning when my son starts to wake up I always cuddle him and give him kisses. In my sing-song voice I tell him good morning or sing him a quick song or tickle him awake. Always to make him giggle and start his day off bright and cheery as it should be. Well I normally ask him how he slept, and then I will ask him what he dreamed about. Sometimes he will make up silly things he dreamed about like, "I dreamed you were pushing me on the swings and I farted in your face," because well he IS a six year-old boy! But this morning when I asked him if he dreamed last night he said yes. And I asked him what he dreamed about and he said, very seriously, "I dreamed that we were golfing and James was with us." I asked him if we were having a good time in the dream and he said yes we were.
*sigh* I so wish. I so wish we were all golfing together. I wish James could teach PJ how to golf. He told me he's taught a lot of people and kids to golf and he said he wanted to teach me how to golf. I don't know much about golf. Only that the less trys it takes to get the ball in the hole the better! But James loves golf. Like one of his biggest loves and I appreciate how passionate he is about it. It was sweet that he took us out and showed PJ how to mini golf, and I've said this over and over but one of my all-time favorite memories is us together and James showing PJ how to golf. So so so cute and endearing and obviously my son still remembers it. He mentions James from time to time. He tells me James is a good man, or he will tell me James misses us. It breaks my heart. I don't like to be in limbo. I don't like to be in the dark, and I don't like the silence. I want to KNOW. I want action. But for the time being I am trying to be as tempered and patient as I can while I attempt to keep my focus where it needs to be.
I wish James could go fishing with us. I take my son fishing myself. My dad taught us how to fish and my family has been fishing ever since. I love fishing but I can only do the basics. Set up my hook, put on the worm, catch the fish, take it off with a rag {lol} and then throw it back because I don't know how to clean a fish. I need to be re-taught how to clean a fish. Then I'd catch and clean and cook it for dinner but I suppose I need to be shown again- James says he knows so maybe he can show me. We used to go to Minnesota as a family every year but I have not been back since I was pregnant with my son. I need to get him up north soon. But I wish James was with us. I wish he could go fishing with me and my son. I do wish that it was no longer just "me and my son." I want more, and I want it with James for sure. I wish he was part of our family. Doing fun things with us, having dinner with us. PJ would love him so very much. We'd all get along perfectly, and it hurts my heart that we are not now. Sometimes it hurts my heart so much that I want to give up and move on so I don't have to hurt anymore!!! I think that is the problem. I don't want to hurt anymore. I so desperately WANT and desire to have James in our lives. I have wanted that since I met him! It hurts not having him here, that damn yearning. The longing. The ache.
James told me, so sweetly, on our second date that he really wanted to be in love again. I can remember us walking, where we were exactly, at the corner of Tot Park by my house. Street lights out. Moon still shining because it was a few days after the full moon. Clear beautiful night. He was holding my hand and walking along with me and he said he did not mean to "scare me off" or pressure me but that he really wanted to be in love again. So endearing, so genuine, so real and so sweet. Always holding my hand. He said being in love is wonderful, the best thing ever, and he wanted to be in love again. He wanted to be in a strong committed relationship with someone he loved who loved him, the kind of love where you are so excited to see each other every day. I remember that second date. We ended up at my house because I had to pee, again. And then we kissed. And kissed some more. It was our first extended kiss that turned out into at least an hour of making out until it was time to go back to where we were originally parked. I was floored, OMG it was so wonderful kissing him. *sigh* And when I got home I asked for a message. I asked, "What is he to me? He is so perfect." And I got the "most important soul mate" card. The one who can bring a lot of change, ha ha ha. HA ha ha. But as always, the card was right. And GOD damn do I miss him, my most important soul mate.
Soon after knowing me he said I was that person- that he'd fallen in love with me already, and he told me he had started going home after work and being sad that I was not there to greet him, he didn't like that I was somewhere else and not with him. He'd say, "Maybe one day we will be sleeping together and won't have to say goodbye." That changed to... telling me he could totally see me being his wife and PJ being in his life. That he'd like to learn how to be a "daddy" and he was sure he could learn and be a good strong influence in my son's life. He said he'd teach PJ science and help him in sports. He told me that being married and with the person you love most in life is the BEST THING EVER, and he'd say, "Don't you think so too?" Just a genuinely good man with sweet loving intentions, AND he was every single thing I'd ever asked for in a man. And just writing this makes my heart contract- it hurts. I ache. I miss James so very much. And I don't often allow myself to go strolling down memory lane like I used to because it HURTS and I don't want to hurt. I don't want to cry anymore. I've hurt for so long. Even if it is pain I created myself through "manifestation," well I did not realize I was creating it. No matter WHO created the pain- it still hurts and I *really* really want peace in my life now.
I want to learn my lessons through peace, kindness and love now. I want joy and laughter and bliss and HUGE LOVE in my life and God knows I want that huge love shared with James. That is what I am meant for. Which means I want and need truth, and I need for this "journey" to progress so one day I have what I want in my life, huge strong romantic love shared with my twin, in the flesh, here on earth. I want him besides me in bed every night. I want to be so excited to see him at the end of a day, to make him feel special knowing how much he is loved. I want to smile as I see him interact with my son like I did when he was in my life. I want to just lay my head on his shoulder for a while. I am so easy to please. Low-maintenance. Anything small tickles me, lol. I am like a child in that regard. The smallest things make me happy but I can tell you a life devoid of romantic love makes me very sad, and I've done my best through all of this to hold out, hold on. But I am sad. I miss having love in my life. I miss having James in my life. He was such huge huge bright shining love, the kind of love I'd always prayed for. A man who loves like I do, and he does. I wish he was back with us. I really do. Spending time with him was easy, peaceful, fun and blissful. I was not nervous around James when we dated. Some people say they are nervous around their twin souls. I did not know he was my twin soul {at all} but I was never nervous around him. When we were together or talking or the whole time we dated I felt 100% awesome with him. Very secure and safe and comfy. Nothing about him made me nervous. What made me nervous was... my own private doubts and inner "demons." Worrying if he'd want to leave me even though I'd grown so attached to him and saw him as my dream come true. But James himself NEVER did anything less that make me feel so so so loved, adored, reassured, etc. He went above and beyond to show me his love in every single way he could. He really did. And that is why I just know that he is irreplaceable and I'll never find a man quite as spectacular as he is.
And it is why I miss him so much that I am on edge. I want to drink to calm down, and I am trying not to. I am trying to fill my time with my son and doing fun stuff and focusing and working hard to NOT run off since I am just so wanting only peace and harmony now. I don't want "missing" and aching and longing and wondering when I might hear something or wondering if I see him again will I hear anything afterwards? I guess honesty is I am tired of this "process" now and I wish he was back in my life, to stay. No more tactics. No more process. Just union. Just togetherness. I wish wish were together in peace and total harmony, together. I hate the word "reunion." I want the man I love with all of my heart back in my life to share life and love with me and my son, all of us together, happy and loving and peaceful. Real genuine love and affection. I can't ever imagine treating James with anything other than love and care. I have been through a lot more than anyone knows with all this but through it all I've never felt I'd want to be anything less than loving to him. If he was in my presence I'd only want to be gentle to him. Yeah in the past, especially in my head, I've gotten angry at times. More at the divine, more out of frustration over the situation, but I know if James was actually in front of me, or if I am talking with him "for real," then I really only want to love him. And now in my energy and thoughts too I am being very aware to be as gentle as possible, always, about everything. Even myself because when I tell you {and I know this sounds very hypocritical} that I have been tempted to run in the opposite direction of my twin- I am not kidding. So I have to be gentle on myself too while I work to stay strong and on track, focused on what I *really* want as my future, James.
People talk all the time about "mission." Oh this big mission. Well in my life if there truly is a mission involved between me and my twin soul then HE is my mission. He is. Nothing more or less. Loving him, trusting him, knowing what he has done for me, holding on to him, not bolting from him in the end, being as patient as I can, realizing he has sacrificed too and this is not all about only me, honoring him and loving him and being patient and supportive in my energy, all of that is my mission. Defending him and knowing that he is a good man who loves me, that is my role in our "mission" which is another word I just don't like. Union, mission, etc. To me it is a divine process with my one and only most important strongest full-mirror soul mate. A process in learning how to be only love and to trust and to know how to be a conscious and aware loving manifestor. And he has been the one to push me to do all of this, and I am still working on it. But to me the process of learning all of that is not my "mission." Writing a book is not my mission. Helping others is not actually my "mission." If there is such a thing as a joint "twin soul mission" then my half of ours is to love and support and believe in and defend and protect my twin soul. His part of our mission has been to help show my myself. Mine is to hold on to him and love him through it.
At the end of the day though- I dream of having the love of my life back with me. That is what I want more than anything. All the labels aside, processes, unions, missions, twin souls, energy, enlightenment, ascension, God, etc. etc.- all of that aside. I really want to end up being able to hold and love and adore my sweetheart in real life, on earth, for the rest of my life. I really want to be a loving human living my happy little life here on earth with James as part of my family, being kind to ourselves, kind to each other and kind to others. It really is all I want in life.
*sigh* I do miss him. As always I hope I can hear something soon. I wish to hold him in my arms more than anything right now.
Jennifer
PS This is great song about signs starring my two favorite, er, "people." My BFFs.
Signs
It is great that you are doing this. Four years ago my separation resulted in horrible insomnia and a few days in the hospital for a med adjustment. After that it was Prozac and Joel Osteen keeping me going until I found fitness, which lead to my self-actualization. I literally thought I was insane for a very long time. You're doing a great job. -Monica
ReplyDeleteOh thank you Monica! I appreciate the kind words. Believe me it is not all selfless! I think the thing that has helped to heal me is writing. So I keep the blog for myself just as much as for other people. I am just glad that doing what I love to do, what helps heal me, helps others as well.
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