Polarity Magnetics
I
know I've written about this before but it still kinda floors me. The
day I met James face to face I got two fortune cookies because my sister, who was living with me at the time, had taken me out for lunch
for my birthday. One of the fortunes was, "You have an unusual magnetic
personality. Just be aware of your polarity." And then there is this
fan video for The X-Files called "Polarity Magnetics" and it makes me
smile.
Well the definition of polarity, now maybe I understand the meaning a bit better. It is the state of having two opposite or contradictory tendencies or aspects: opposition, difference, separation.
Somehow that definition does not escape me as I go through this with James. Yes I do have a magnetic personality. If someone is attracted to me then he is seriously attracted to me. Many people are not, of course. I've met men where they are not attracted to me in the least. But it seems that when I meet a man who resonates with me he REALLY resonated with me. There is no half way. It is weird. I can't explain it. My guidance once told me my energy is so strong that it is like a bug light. But there are those synonyms of separation and opposition, and I know that has something to do with the fortune I got that day- I have a magnetic personality but to be aware that something about me can flip or be in opposition to my true nature which is loving and kind. The same day I got a fortune about "Ask and you shall receive" which I know was speaking of manifestation.
I do believe my twin shows me when I am in opposition to my true self, my soul self.
Oh the joy of signs and divinity! If I'd only understood better back then.
But now I am trying to really understand better, and I see that my nature must be balanced and consistent at all times, not in opposition. I consider myself to be a good loving gentle compassionate empathetic person but I need to make sure I am that way all the time, even when I am irritated or frustrated, even when I am alone and ranting "only" in my journal or at God. I need to be honest at all times. My words and thoughts, desires and actions must be honest always, always consistent, matching in energy and intention. I am working on this. I am avoiding ranting! I just don't want any of that energy any longer. It is not authentic to who I am normally; it does not match my true nature. It is in opposition and it definitely keeps me separated from my Love.
I miss James very much. I know I say that a lot. I think it is one thing that has remained pretty consistent throughout this journey. I do love him and miss him. Not a day goes by... no that is laughable. Not five minutes goes by where I do not think of him, except when I am sleeping. Otherwise if I am awake then he's on my mind constantly and it's been almost three years, and it ain't stopping. I am almost used to it now. I can function with two thought processes: one is he is always there in my thoughts and then whatever else I need to be focused on whether it be my son or my work or life or whatever. Sometimes I do try and read just to have a break, not that I don't like thinking of him but *whew* just sometimes it's helpful. Still normally he is always on my mind. And in my heart; he is always in my heart.
I'm have a question that I am not wanting to really discuss too specifically here so forgive me for not being more clear on this. I've already mentioned that something is still not "balanced." I've been in communication with James where he's told me he loves me and wants me in his life always. That he thinks of me all the time and he wants to hold my hand and date me and be with me and says that yes I am right- he has loved me all along and wants to be in my life. He's told me he wants me and to accept that. And I do accept that he loves me and wants me with him. But there is silence now, and something still needs to balance. I desire full 100% transparent truth and honesty, full disclosure. I want to know what he is up to. How life is for him, but total truth. Complete honesty. So on my end I am trying really hard to be as honest as I can in my thoughts, actions, words, etc. I ask myself- what else do I need to do in order to allow him to reflect back to me full and complete honesty and transparent truthfulness about his life, his feelings and allowing his own brilliantly sweet kind loving personality to shine through, including showing me his huge love for me? How do I achieve openness? Truth? I want truth but I want it to where I have no question, none. And there are times where I can read an email and know, "Okay he does love me and I know that is truth. Of course he loves me and wants me in his life." Not to sound arrogant but I know James loves me and misses me and would love to share life with me. I have a feeling my twin does love me in the same intense manner that I love him. But then there are other words I read where I go... wait a minute- this does not feel "right." Or it's just not said in a manner that I know is James. James is... very strong and secure, extremely strong and secure. Like ridiculously so. He knows what he wants. He is brilliant and decisive. He has a scientist's mind for God's sake, of course he is totally smart and decisive and secure- that's just how those science-types are. He is an Atheist as well. No fuckery. Like those guys from "The Big Bang Theory." Scientists are pretty straight-forward and so is James. He has oodles of self-esteem {although he's humble} and he is very secure and aware. I know this. So I ask myself- what do *I* need to shift here? What is being shown to me?
I don't know exactly. I am trying to work it out.
Let me say I know my mind. I want James as my future. If I didn't then I would have ran off a Hell of a long time ago. Have I been tempted a few times? Yes- and I am not sure if that is what I am being shown, to be honest. Or what it is. I just don't know. I only know that I want it to change, shift, clear. I need transparency and full truth. I can only pray to God to help me continue to stay tempered and to "hold on" to my twin through all of this. To always know his goodness and kindness, compassion and empathy. He is very kind and empathetic. And I should be as well because that is supposed to be my true soul nature. I need to embody those characteristics of being soft and gentle and kind. Hey a little spunk and a strong-will {I am stubborn and I don't know if I can ever change that, Leo in me!} is okay as long as it is kept loving and kind. I think my stubborn nature is what has kept me alive through certain parts of my life so I appreciate that part of me. All I really can do is keep thinking good thoughts. Stay focused on love. I do love my sweetheart, and I miss him with everything I have inside of me. I so wish I could wave a magic wand and he'd be back in my life like he was once before. My boyfriend and true love. He IS my true love but I wish he could be my boyfriend again. I wish a "miracle" would happen where we just shift back into being how we were when we dated. Having fun and dating and laughing and giggling and holding hands all the time, always needing to be touching each other when we were together and always needing to say hello when we were apart. I wish we could be back like that again. No questions asked. God knows it is all I want. Our conversations back. I wish we could go back to the moment where we could not wait to hear from each other or exchange emails with pictures or videos. Our long phone calls that would end with him softly saying to me, "Tell me your fantasies" and then I'd shyly confess something to him and he'd... like that a lot, lol. And then he'd ask me to send him a flirty picture because he missed me and needed to see me because he loves me. Or back to when he'd come over, so fucking cute and glowing and sweet, and wait for me to come out of PJ's room after putting him to bed. And James would stand there smiling at me, so happy to see me. The happiness was glowing on his face. He is so cute and smiley! Always smiling. And he would smile and hug me and ask how I was doing. And he would kiss me. And then we'd go sit down on the couch and talk for a few minutes but he'd turn to me with a smile that said, "I so need to kiss you now- it's been too long," and he'd reach out and touch my face and turn me to him and lean in to kiss me and then we'd just sit there kissing for so long. Melting more and more into each other. I'd just sigh into him. So peaceful and blissful. He'd make me moan with just his kisses, lol. He is such a good kisser. I love kissing James. I WISH I could sit there again feeling his arms around me kissing me for hours. I wish that with all my heart.
I so so so wish we could go back to being a "couple" again in each others lives to share all these things. Boyfriend and girlfriend. I love being his girlfriend. I'd love to be his wife. I'd love to just BE with him. I miss him and his sweet kisses so much *sigh* I miss him trying to get me to confide in him, and how shy and sweet I felt with him. I love how excited he was to see me, or to get a photo or video from me, lol. He acted like he thinks I am a goddess or like I was giving him some kind of gift- and he always told me how much he appreciates me. I miss all of him, every single thing.
I love him so much. I hope I hear from him soon. I am just trying to breathe through how I feel right now.
I Won't Give Up
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