I don't even know where to begin but I have to be honest. A while back I got "close" with someone who is not my twin, closer than anyone else I've known since James left. It was short-lived and I know I might seem like a hypocrite. But I've always tried to be honest on my blog so I will be now too.
I have always known James mirrors me. And my God I must have a lot to let go of and learn because the reflection has been relentless for about a year. I don't share it here on purpose. I feel I am meant to protect my twin soul so I don't detail what happens between us. I ask myself why it is as "harsh" as it is and I came up with a few ideas. Maybe to show me how shitty and mean my own insides can be at times so I can change that and be as gentle and kind as possible, even when I am missing him or frustrated or aching. Or maybe when I affirm things I shouldn't, when I focus on fear and lies then I get more of them.
But another reason, I think, is to show me when I move away from James, and I have a few times on this journey. I have to look past a lot of stuff and sometimes maybe I am not as strong as I could be. And a while ago James had to reflect me hard, and it hurt. And afterwards I spent some time with someone else. I've known him for a few years, since before I met James, and I almost dated him but then I met James and James wanted me to be his girlfriend so that was that. This other person has always known about James and knows I still love James and he knows that the reason why I am not choosing to take things further with him is because of James. I can't tell you that I do not have feelings for this other person because that would be a lie. He is a good man and under other circumstances there is a possibility we'd be together right now but he is not my twin soul.
And I feel bad now, and I don't want to feel bad. I feel like what if my twin is out there and hurt now that I did this? And I feel bad because I only end up hurting myself in the end too. And this other person cares for me but we have to put distance between us now. James reached out to me a while back, when I was starting to probably feel too much for someone else, and it showed me that I need to make a choice. And I did.
But then I did not listen to the signs, didn't keep as separated as I should, and I got reflected again and it does not feel good. That happens to me. I don't listen and then I get some message from my twin that I don't like, and then I have to sit here realizing I have no one to blame but myself, and I have prolonged our separation by... making choices that keep my twin away from me.
I have this crazy hope that the mirroring is sometimes so "strong" because the stronger it is the faster it will stop me in my tracks and get me back in line. Maybe subtly does not work so well with me. But I feel like shit right now. I feel like I've done everything wrong. I feel like maybe I've hurt James. I feel like why can't I be stronger? And I still miss him so much. This other person knows I miss James. But he likes me too, has for a while, and took the chance to know me better even though he knows how I feel. And has said that no, he does not want to always know that my heart is with someone else. And it would be. So there is no way for me to be with anyone else besides James.
Which means I must be alone until this can shift, and it makes me so sad because I wish James could be back right now. I do miss him a lot {even though that might sound stupid after getting close to someone else.} All I can say, and it is no excuse, is I was hurting bad, sinking, and my other friend was there. And for a long time now I've kept him at arm's length, and he has always respected me. There has always been something between us but we never acted on it and this time we were closer than we have allowed in the past. And he is nice. It was easy to get closer to him when really I did not think that was even possible after knowing James. Luckily for me this man is a good man and tells me he will always be my friend, always be there for me, but he knows we have to put space between us now. And we do.
I am tortured and I do it to myself. My guidance once told me that I would create my own "Hell on earth" if I doubted James or his love for me. And I feel like I have {you have no idea!} even though I know the Hell is not real. Still I want it to stop so bad. I feel like my only safe bet is to be dropped onto a desert island by myself for a while. I've had the strangest energy come at me. An old soul connection who I ended things with a long time ago, before James, reached out to me yesterday, right on the heels of me feeling like total shit. Again, my own doing in feeling like shit. I was thinking of taking me son somewhere near where this person lives and he popped into my mind for like 10 seconds, and then he emailed me, at work. And he gave me his cell and told me to text him if I wanted to "chat." Well I looked up at the sky and was like, "Hell NO!" Talking with this man would be the energetic equivalent of me shooting myself in the foot; I just know it is not what is right for me in any way. I emailed him back and very politely wished him well but told him that no I would not be texting him. And I again told him I hope all is well at work and home, and to have a great summer. All very nice, and my intention was not to be mean! I even made a joke telling him to work out at the gym extra for me because God knows I won't be going there any time soon.
He wrote back and was very defensive saying that I was assuming he has ulterior motives, and that I must think so highly of myself and low of him to assume that he wants me again {what?} and that I am defensive and all he wanted was to talk to me about something going on in his life. So I started to feel bad about myself but I wrote back and told him- he should have told me that. He should have told me he had something specific he wanted to ask me and would I please help him. Not casually telling me we can "chat." Chatting to me means friendly banter and I already know that is NOT a good idea for me, not at all. That is why I told him I would not be texting him to "chat." I explained to him that I do NOT think I am "all that" by any means, nor do I think badly of him, but that it is not in MY best interest to talk with him but had I known it was something specific then I may have felt differently. And the result is we will not be talking again and honestly I really hope I never hear from this person again. He is in my past for a reason and I don't want to know him any longer. I am tired of him popping up from time to time and then not understanding why it happens when I did not ask to hear from him.
Overall a really weird exchange and not accidentally timed yet I have no idea what it meant. That my energy is matching with those old situations right now? A test to see if I'd actually want to reconnect with him? {no way} I dunno, and I get worried when I don't know something. All I know is he is gone again and I am fine with that. I did not mean to offend him in any way though.
And then my son's dad got real upset last night because I missed his call. I was sleeping. And I always always make sure my son talks to his dad or we call him or if I see I missed his call I will always call back. I'm a little upset because his dad chose not to see him on Father's Day when he could have. And PJ asked about it. He's getting old enough to take notice of these things. His dad could have spent even two hours with him or taken him to breakfast or ran some errands with him and then had lunch. So to then turn around and get all mad at me because I miss his call seems a little off putting. So anyway the energy around me has been chaotic.
Maybe it is because of me. Maybe it is my own energy attracting chaos to me. I don't like it though.
Another thing is I must stop drinking. Like now, as in right now. This will be a fully sober weekend that I pray turns into a sober next week, and then the week after that... because drinking is my #1 crutch. It is how I cope with the pain I feel from not talking with James, with dealing with the unknown, dealing with the reflection, being scared of never knowing when I might hear from him again, not knowing how long this will take and how long I will have to go without hearing from this man I love so much- I drink to cope with missing him and feeling heartsick. Plain and simple, and I can't. I just cannot do that. Not to mention I am the one who creates the shit I don't like and then on top of it I am slowly killing myself to try and numb out the shit I have created.
Just ugh. I feel like total crap right now. Like I have dug myself this huge hole and all I can do for right now is at least not drown myself in alcohol whilst in the hole. I have to make sure I keep my intentions very clear with this other man I know. He does not want to get any more attached to me either. And at the end of the day it is still James I cry for. It is still James I wake in the middle of the night feeling like there is a big huge hole in my chest. I love him and wish he was in my life right now but I have to find a way to deal with not having him here.
A dear kind soul who reads my blog reached out to me, and she knows who she is. She is sweet to check on me and make sure I am doing okay. And I feel kind of like a jerk because I'm always shooting down what she tells me, like she shares videos and stuff with me. But I started watching one of the videos and in the comments everyone discusses their twins as the "sleeper unawakened" twin, and the one who is learning all these lessons, etc. And I can't tolerate that because I KNOW why I get reflected! I don't take it as my twin is "lashing out" at me. I KNOW where the energy comes from- it comes from ME, and it sucks. It can be so hopeless feeling like I won't ever be able to change this, or be "right" enough. I worry I won't ever get it right. And I can't live like this. It hurts too much being away from James and not being able to know the man I KNOW he is! I KNOW he is this sweet kind normal honest loving caring person yet he is unable to show me, and that kills me- and to realize that I am the one doing it when I don't even mean to is just horrible. It is the worst feeling. And this is why I rarely share my experience with other twins because they will tell me it is James' fault, that he is the one who is in need of healing, that he is the runner, etc. and I can't tolerate it. That is not my truth whatsoever. It's been me from the start who has kept him away from me and I've been dealing with trying over and over again and fucking up over and over again, and it is exhausting.
And I still love him and miss him with my entire heart. I cried all day yesterday. And I barely slept last night. And I was not sober yesterday either so I'm not blaming my ex for drunk calling us last night- I am not one to talk about how emotions grow higher once someone has been drinking. I just don't like when he acts like I keep him from his son because that is SO so not true. At all. I'd never do that to either one of them. I do try to be a thoughtful person. But I'll tell you I never expected to have a twin soul. And I do so I'm trying to do what I can with my energy although sometimes I totally tank, and I feel like I have been for a year.
And the thing that bothers me the most is all we had was the most beautiful wonderful happy loving pure gentle healing relationship when we met! It was just perfect. Nothing but goodness and Light. I had hoped we'd be together from that point on, forever. No one else for either of us, just together. And then all this came and I was not expecting it and I wish we could go back to how things were.
I'm tired. I don't know what to do and I am tired, and I miss James a lot. I cannot sit here and pray for "his healing" because I know he is totally fine. Strong, wonderful and fine. I can send him my love and let him know I really do love him and always have no matter how scared or angry or doubtful or crazed I can get in my energy. I guess the least I can do right now is stay sober, stay tempered and gentle inside and out, and stay completely single with my focus and love on James. There is not much more I can do right now except cry, and I will cry because if you only really knew how much I miss him, and how deeply it aches- heartsick my guidance used to call it. Heartsick, and I am, still. People always talk about how we must be joyful and reach this place of high vibration in order to reunite with our twins and then I think I am royally FUCKED because I am not "joyful." I can achieve being thankful for my blessings. I can achieve "in love." I am in love. But I miss James and I am "heartsick" and heartsick does not equal joyful by any means. It means I miss him nearly always when I am awake and on nights last night when I didn't sleep then all night too. I try to stay as happy as I can without wanting to run off to something else to take away my pain. Believe me staying sober is going to be a challenge but I really need to do this now. So wish me luck.
I hope I have not hurt my twin soul. He is still the last man I made love with and I'd like him to be the last man I make love with, ever. This other person told me he does not think he has ever actually "made love" with a woman and he knows with me it would truly be "making love" because I am so loving but he also knows it can't go there, which is very true. I already am torn over the choices I've made and I can't imagine how I'd feel if I let it go that far. I don't want to emotionally hurt myself or this other person or James. Hurting my twin is the last thing I would ever want to do. And I want happiness for my other friend. I hope he finds strong love with someone wonderful.
I'm a little exhausted and sad now, and I know I have a challenge in front of me in staying sober. But it is Friday and I am ready to enjoy some time with my son. Luckily he is with me this weekend, and it probably turned out that way on purpose. I PRAY that whatever it is I need to do in order to balance my energy and allow my twin soul to be himself again with me is known to me so it can happen. I love James and I do believe he loves me a lot, and I believe he still wants to be with me. It is why I am so sad. I feel like we should already be together, and I feel like I have stopped that from happening. I miss him. I miss him so much.
Jennifer
No comments:
Post a Comment