And then another image I saw said you don't really realize how "not right" you've been treated until that special person comes into your life who shows you exactly how you need to be loved and treated, with tenderness and care. And of course that person was James.
The third said "Sexy isn't always about boobs or butts. It's about the way you walk, the way you talk and how you think," and that really hits home too for me with him.
I know James loves me due to me being me, me being genuine and a good person. He told me that once, very specifically. He text me and told me I am genuine and it is rare today to find a genuine person, and he said, "I think it is what I love most about you." Not my body, not sex, but that I am a genuine person. I also know James thinks I am beautiful, and I am thankful for that. Sometimes I think as my twin soul he is just meant to think I am beautiful so he does, and I am all good with that. I don't want to have to worry about being "attractive." I just want to be me- and I feel he loves me, and that's very welcome. He finds me desirable and I appreciate that fact {believe me because his desire is wonderful!} but I know he loves me for ME- for the person I am. For how I think, for my strong heart and the fact that I love hard. I am a good person too and I know he realizes this, and he loves me for it. He tells me how attractive I am but I know it is more than just "sexy." HAS to be because I, lol, am really not the most "traditionally" sexy person at all. Believe me. But I know I shine. I am genuine. I'm authentic. I am just me. I don't try to be anyone else besides who I am and I know he loves me for being the person I am.
I don't like to bitch and moan about my past. I really don't. My son has a good dad but his dad did not know how to show me love. And that is okay. We were not meant to stay together and he was not bad to me. He just did not love me, or he at least did not show me that he loved me. He withheld his affection and ridiculed me because I don't think he knew how to show love. He and my first husband both kinda made me feel like my body is gross, and I won't get into specifics. So to be with James and have him insist that I am beautiful and desirable in all ways was a blessing. It also took some getting used to, and it seemed unbelievable because here was this really wonderful and sweet and loving and sexy single man who was choosing ME. But the time I shared with him, how he loved me, was perfect.
And I miss that. I miss him a lot. Like more than I can explain, and more than I can almost tolerate. I know I am supposed to be "manifesting" or something but I don't know. I don't feel like doing much more than constantly asking God and Higher Self, "Can he just come back now?" *sigh* If I am co-creating with my Higher Self then fine, I want him back now. So can't he just come back? I feel like James has actually always wanted to be here, and he wants to be here now. Like if it was only up to him and his intention and heart then he'd be here. Maybe his "free will" choice right now would to be here with me but due to being my twin he has to play his "role" so he's been away. When he hasn't really wanted to be away. And I feel that it hurts him too that he is separated from me. He wants to be here. He'd be here if he could. I feel like he wants to be here in Indiana because it means being with his Love, me. I do feel that. I did not before, not at all but let's not discuss all that. I now believe that he never wanted to leave. It hurt him because he really wanted to stay and create a life with me. I KNOW this. I know it, and I KNOW nothing changed. Nothing. When it comes to heart-feelings and truth and love then nothing at all changed between us. I know that same love still exists between us and I really want him back in my life. I am tired of working to "connect" with him through soul. I want him here, for real. I want to share life with him. I want to have a family with him.
I am blessed to have my father, and I celebrated Father's Day with my dad yesterday. Me and my son had dinner with my parents and my seven year-old nephew {his dad was working and my son's dad's only day off was yesterday and he had some stuff to do} yesterday and then we went across the street to this big fountain and old rail road tracks and the kids played for a while and me and my parents talked and relaxed. It was a lovely day. But Father's Day can also ache for me. People tell me they know I pretty much play both roles in my son's life, and they are right. His dad is a good man and he loves his son, and PJ loves his dad, but still I am mainly mom and dad both. And seeing all the photos of the families on Facebook, families that have moms and dads both, hurt me. Because I wish I had that in my life, step-daddy would be fine! I SO wish James was in our life right now! I want him back, like NOW. I am so ready to have him with us. I wish we were together. I wish he was back in my life like he was before, friend, lover, companion. I want what we talked about, getting married and being together. He said he could see himself being my son's step-father, would help him with sports and be good to him and teach him science- and I know James would be the man to show my son how to love a woman properly, with respect and devotion and gentleness and kindness. James would be such a great influence in my son's life. Not to mention the joy he would bring to my own life.
I just feel really lost right now. Because I miss him so much! And my GOD I don't want to miss him any more! I want him here. I want to be together with him. It gets frustrating for me, and I am trying to stay as balanced as I can because all I want more than anything is to hear from James where he tells me this is changing now. We will be together. I want him back here from wherever he is right now. I KNOW that with us is where he wants to be most. I feel in my heart 100% that with us is where he wants to be, that he feels *just* like I do- sharing life together is what he wants most, and that he wants to come back and be with us. I can't explain why I feel like this- just that it is the only thing that makes sense! He fell in love with me, and he really took to my son. I felt like James really does want a family and when he met us he felt like he found that family, and he was happy. He knows I am a good mother and a loving person. He knows I'd make a good loving mother for his own child. And I want to have a baby with him more than I can find the right words to express my desire. I'd LOVE to have his child. I still dream of having a baby with James. He'd be the best daddy, a most loving father, and it would just be so wonderful to share that experience with him. I know he'd treat me well while pregnant and as the mother of his child. And I want that.
I want it so much that it makes me ache. I long for him. I miss his sweet smiling face! I miss his gentle voice. I miss how he touches my face and then kisses me. I miss how good it feels to be pulled into his arms and held closely. I miss making love with him and then laying there smiling and softly talking, "Pillow talk" and he calls it. I miss our pillow talk. I miss how he insisted on having enough time to "pleasure me" and treat me well when making love to me, and he insisted we have enough time to cuddle and have pillow talk afterwards. He actually did not want to make love with me if he could not do those things. He told me he did not want any "quickies" with me because he needed to cuddle me later. Do you have ANY idea? ANY?! I miss James so fucking much. Really sometimes I miss him so much that all I can do is cry and ask God over and over to please help me allow him back to me because I feel like I am going crazy being away from him. I love him so much. I miss being close to him.
I miss knowing him. KNOWING him. I miss knowing him! No amount of "loving myself" or focusing on just myself or some hobby or whatever... not even focusing on my child takes away the deep ache and longing and need I feel inside to be back together with this man. I try to read fiction in order to escape the ache for a while and it either does not hold my interest or I pick a book and later find out that something in it is a direct reflection of my twin, like I am not meant to escape it! I just read recently that when you "yearn" for something so strongly it is because it is what your very soul wants. It is because that thing or person is meant for you... and that is how I feel. My very soul must love him or something because I wake up in the middle of the night and can barely breathe, and often end up sending him some silly message, because I am so overwhelmed with the love and desire and ache I feel for him.
I wish he was here. In my life. In my arms. I wish me and PJ could spend time with James again. I wish, so so so much, that James could meet PJ again and spend time with my adorable son because PJ is SUCH a bright shining light and James would absolutely adore my son! They would get along so well. I know a lot of people would correct me and say, "Make sure you say 'They WILL get along so well,' " like owning it- and I get that. But for now all I can bring myself to do is wish and dream and say what I'd really LOVE. I'd love to be able to wrap my arms around this sweet man again and kiss him. See his smile. Hear his gentle voice. Love him, in person. Forever. That is what I want. I LOVED the time I spent with him. It was the best time of my whole life. Better than being a new mother, better than any trip I have ever taken, better than any other time I'd fallen in love before. Meeting him, getting to know him, spending time with him, falling in love with him and being loved by him was the best time of my life. Him spending time with me and my child, being so good to us. His generosity and his kindness. "I was blessed because I was loved by you" are very true words. It may have been a while ago. It may have been fast... but my God it was absolutely beautiful love. A beautiful experience, and I miss him with my entire heart and soul.
I am not sure how to explain this properly but it really is all I can do right now to stay as balanced as I can. I don't try to do too much more. I do easy stuff like spend time with my family and friends. I build fires with my son. I clean when I have to, lol. Like we tackled the toy room this weekend and got it all sorted and my son told me how much he loves me and thanked me for finding all of his cars and trucks and trains {of which he has a ton!} and then I laughed as he spend the next hour playing hard, making "vroom vroom" noises and having a "Monster Truck Show" while I got ready to meet my parents for dinner. But other than that there is really nothing else I have energy for, just being good to myself. Another thing is staying sober is not really going too well right now and I have to work on that too. Did not drink yesterday at all but it's the first day in a while. And my goal is to pretty much force myself to not drink hard liquor because I only do it to ease this ache, and I can't do that because it's not good for me. And I've always been very blessed with good health. I feel good. I am healthy. I live well. I just feel good. I sleep well most of the time. I can eat whatever I want to and nothing bothers me, lol. I have lots of energy. I still feel "youthful" and I have a very clean medical history. I am blessed and healthy, and I need to keep it that way so I have to be really strong with the desire to drink to escape some of this... well, ache. I hurt being away from James but I can't jeopardize my long-term health by drinking. I know this so I'm working on it. Drinking does make me feel totally like shit physically, and it does nothing good for me. I know this. Luckily I don't drink enough to be "addicted" so I can stop. But I have to stop.
I have a good loving family too. Wonderful parents who I am very close with. A brother and sister who live close and I get along well with. Great aunts and uncles and two grandmothers and cousins... James would be such a welcome addition to my family. They would love him so much. I so feel like he should be here now, with us. I love him and miss him so very much. Without him it feels like something special and important and necessary is missing from my life. I love him and wish we were together.
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