Perfect

No I am definitely not perfect. Far from it. Yet I know I'm a good person so I'm holding on to that and trying to move forward with making choices that will hopefully allow things to shift for the better.

I'm so glad it is the weekend. I needed a break. We might go to the beach today. I'm telling myself it is a new day. We went to a bonfire last night and the hosts kept offering me alcohol and I had to laugh inside but I did not drink any alcohol. I'm really going to make an effort to be totally sober again for a while and once I feel better then if I want a glass of wine or a beer- I'll see how I feel.

I miss James. I say that a lot but I do miss him. When he came back a couple months ago, met me, made love with me and then went quiet again I guess it really pushed the limits of my sanity and what I can handle. No matter how I reacted inside (I got angry at God for pushing me) I should have always only realized it is as hard on James as it is on me because he loves me just as much as I love him. So he got a huge hit of my sweet love and then had to back off and I'm sure it did not feel good to him. It is probably torturous for him too. I wish I would have just told God "I'm not happy about this and I don't know what it is for but I will only love my twin and know he is out there aching for me too."

A lot of stuff has happened in this journey. And I know my energy has orchestrated it. I wish me and James were in contact right now, more than soul contact only. Like right now as I write these very words- his soul knows what I'm writing about him. And I love him. But I believe he loves me too. I believe he understands how hard this has been for me and I believe he wants me to stick this out with him no matter what I have to see from my mirror.

So I try to stay really tempered. I don't want anger in my life. I'm trying to be accepting. I hope people understand that I have come to a place where I don't really want to be a part of the "twin soul community" who think the "runner" twin is all messed up and needs to be healed yada yada. More power to them if that is how they feel but I do not need that energy in my life so I stay separated from it. I have my few friends I talk to and that is all. For me it is almost better to be quiet and go inner than sharing with these communities right now.

James loves me. I know this. And today is a new day to make different choices and focus differently and shake off old energy and be thankful for the gifts in my life. My other friend I mentioned in my last post, I would like to think of him also as a gift, nothing less. But James has been my biggest gift and he is the one person I want to have in my life to share my future. He really is. I love him dearly. And I know he loves me too. He wants me with him and I must remember that when things appear different than they really are.

Today is another day to work hard on being sober
 To be fearless and loving. To focus rightly. To love James. To leave yesterday behind. I love James and hope he is well but I do believe wherever he is he would rather be with me. And I feel the same way. Nothing alone feels as good as it would sharing life with him.

Enjoy your weekend. We are going out for breakfast. I need a weekend that is one long break!

Jennifer