Being Positive

 
Normally at this point I get so frustrated that I want to distract or run off somehow.  I start questioning and doubting or googling or I let my imagination run wild.  I want some kind of answers.

And vodka.  I want vodka.

But I don't want to do any of those things.  I won't get any answers. It does no good and only harm to doubt, total backsliding. I'm trying my hardest to avoid hard liquor, and I'm also working to not drink at all.  It gives me heartburn and I'm sure contributes to my weight gain.  And also I'm spending money when I don't need to, could be putting that cash to much better use even if just a trip to the local pool.  It's a waste.

So how do I feel?  I miss the fuck out of this guy.  I love him so much it makes me feel like I am going to climb the walls since he is not in my life.  It is this total angst feeling, and it does not feel good.  I don't even know what to do with it.  I cry.  I try to go out and have fun or relax or focus on work but damn it is not easy.  I write.  I open my journal and write our loving memories and all of the things I dream of doing with him.  I want to walk on the beach with him hand in hand.  I want to cook dinner with him.  I want to live with him.  I want to talk with him.  Soon. I want me and James and PJ to spend time together.  My last fortune cookie says that I want a home and family is most important to me.  And that hits home for me.  I do have a "home" but I want a home and family with James.  Not just me and PJ.  James is supposed to be with us.  Our family.  I feel so out of sorts.  I want him to share a home with us, be our home.

My God.  So yeah.  I feel a bit down.  I can't help it!  Man oh man if I could achieve some level of joyfulness I'd be so thankful.  I read these spiritual memes from like Buddha and Yoda and whoever else out there who has ever come up with some saying that people preach as truth that explain we need to control our feelings, this situation should not control my emotions.  Like I should not let this make me feel sad at all.  I should think positive and know he is coming back and feel happy about it!  And you know what?  I actually do have some sense of peace over events that have happened recently, no matter how small they may seem.  I know this has shifted "higher" and that's great.  I know he is out there, and I know he loves me!  I do know he loves me and I know he wants a life with me!  So I should be happy, and I am happy about that.  I am thankful.  But not knowing when I am going to hear from my Love or see this man I adore and waking every morning without him in my life makes me feel blue.  Yes, like Elton John.  Just like that.  "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blue."  I want to spend time with James. I want to be near him.  I want to be able to touch him and kiss him whenever I want to, which would be very often.  I want to kiss and touch him lots.  I want to look forward to going home at night because I know I will get so see my Love soon.  That is SO what I want.  To blissfully share life with him.
   

I'm not going to say "I'm lonely."  That is too general of a statement.  What I very specifically mean is I miss James so much that I feel like I am going crazy.  There is not one other person in my life who if I emailed or called or text I would not get an answer. So this situation with James is unnerving.  Totally.  And it is very hard to stay positive when I want to talk to him SO much yet no matter how much I want it- the wanting it alone does not change the situation.  I can't lie.  That frustrates me to the point of total distraction.  Not because I feel like I'm being ignored but because I WANT to talk to my friend.  I miss him.  I want what I want.  I would not be trying or working at this if I did not want to have my friend and love back in my life.

Damn.  All around me people are having issues with their significant others.  I listen to them and see them and I know that James would not be like that.  He would be a good husband.  I am not saying the man is flawless or would never have a bad moment but overall I can tell he would be a good supportive MATURE loving husband.  Not all pouty or moody or never wanting to have fun.  It is hard to know I had someone so wonderful in my life and he is not here right now.  I hope that makes sense.  I know I had a total gem; my guidance was correct and it kills me that all of this happened.  I wish I could have avoided it and he could still be here!  I really do!  So I do have regret, and this aching desire to have back what I once had.  My blessing.  I want my blessing back.  He is unique and special.  Different in a very good way.  I would be so lucky to have him here in my life!  And yeah I think he would be lucky to have me too because I am a good loving woman and when I really love someone and that person is the special person in my life I only want to treat him well and love him and be good to him.  But with James- James would be receptive of that.  We would make a good match because we both love the same way.  He is very loving, kind, affectionate and attentive.  He did make me a priority, and I know as a husband he would be that way.  He'd make his wife a priority.  He even told me this.  He is a mature loving kind of man.  I know this is truth so it makes it very hard to be away from such goodness.  I want him back.  Plain and simple.  I absolutely ache to have him back with me. Because he is wonderful and besides my child he is the best thing that has ever came to me.  He blessed my life and I am sad he is not here now.  I miss him a lot.  It is hard to deal with.

And it seems there is very little in 3D that I can do about it except for focusing on my energy work.  And that can still be frustrating even after all of this time.  I'm human.  I am used to communicating person to person "in real life."  So it's been a huge challenge for me to "surrender" to communicating through energy instead of talking with James in person.  Like as a human being I want to just be able to email and tell him how I feel and that have him respond like we did when we were dating.  I want our wonderful communication and fun talks and flirty sharing love back.  I wish that could happen now.  Still I crave that human connection with him.  I only want it with him.  But I have been shown in order to "reap" that loving human connection I have to sow goodness and truth through my energy firstly, and consistently it seems.

Which I am working on.  I have to.  I have no other choice if I want to hear from him again.  And I do.  I really do.

But I miss him so much that it hurts, and that ache, the constant lump in my throat, the wishing he was here, wears at me and makes me worn out emotionally.  I can't do it all.  I can't have this ache yet still be all peaceful and balanced and joyful.  I keep hearing the song "Just Remember I Love You" by Firefall.  It says, "Just remember I love you and it will be alright."  Well yes I do believe he loves me and I am thankful for his love.  I swear I am.  But at the same time knowing he loves me but him not being here with me does not make it all okay.  I miss him.  I still miss him.  I want him with me.  Knowing he loves me does not erase the ache of wanting him here in my arms so badly. 

I am actually a much more fun light-hearted person that how I appear on my blog.  Really I am.  It's just that I've dealt with emotional heart-issues for ages.  I don't even remember how it feels to be truly happy without having to work for it.  I remember how blissful it felt being with James- I do remember that.  That is me happy and... well, me.  Real me.  THIS is not fully the real me because I ache, all the fucking time, and it is very hard to be the real me when I am always missing someone every single minute I am awake.  I want him back.  More than I have ever wanted anything in my whole entire life.  I've never experienced such strong love for a man before, not like this.  It takes my breath away.  It is always there, like I said unless I am sleeping.  If I am sleeping then it is a thankful reprieve.  And I sleep well, thank GOD.  I am blessed that I sleep well.  By the end of the day I have dealt with missing this man so much that I am emotionally exhausted and I sleep hard.

I don't mean to be negative.  I feel that James loves me and one day we will be back together.  I have hope that this will come together.  But I ache without him.  That is truth.  There is no denying it.  I can't lie about it or fake being all cheerful.  I feel positive that he loves me.  Positive that he is my twin soul.  Positive that I can eventually change this but for right now I miss him.  And it aches.

It is ironic because I actually am a funny person.  When I used to write fiction it was funny.  My characters are humorous and smart-asses and I have good humor.  But it does not really seem like it now since I can't escape this... ache.  It is all I can say.  It weighs on me and colors my existence.  If I am going to "hold on" and love him and stay focused on him while hoping to one day have him back in my life then YES I am going to ache for him, and no it might not be the most comfortable feeling in the world but there is nothing else I can do.

I just wish he was back and we could be happy together.  You have no idea.  He was so so so good to me and a wonderful person.  Such a blessing to have in my life so being without him... I can't even find the words.  I want him back in my life!  He was a blessing to my son too and I wish James could be here with us both again.  He would be amazing with my child, oh my God.  Amazing.  A total blessing.  I love him and miss him so much.

This morning my son woke and immediately said, "I love you."  I told him I love him too.  And then as he woke up more he wanted a cuddle and he grabbed "my" teddy bear that he named "James Bear."  He grabbed the bear and gave him to me and said, "Here is James Bear mommy."  I told him as we cuddled with my bear and his bear that I hoped one day it would be the real James with us instead of just James Bear.