Thinking

 

And then there is this.  I want THIS with James. He's always said he wants to make love to me every night and kiss me in person every morning.  *sigh*

I love him, and I miss him.  Not sure I'm handling this very well?  It is a bit of a challenge because I do love him and miss him so much, and I feel in my heart that he loves me and misses me too.  He wants to be here.  We are meant to be together.  So it really hurts being away from my love.  And yes, I will admit the silence bothers me because I ache to talk to him again.  Yet I know he cannot talk to me unless the energy is right.  <---- THIS- this is what pushes me so hard.  I WANT to talk to him, now.  Yet I know he can't come back to me as his loving kind self unless the energy is right for that.  Just double ugh. I understand although is it so fucking challenging to want something so badly and not have it, right now, especially when I can remember just how perfect and sweet and loving he is, and I want his sweet loving kind self back badly.  But all I can do is hold on.  Seriously, just love him, know him, own that he loves me and hold on.  I don't want anyone else.

I seriously cling to the belief of James as my future like a man would cling to a life raft in the middle of the roiling ocean.  But I feel I am meant to.  He is supposed to be my future.  My husband.  I don't want to go at this half-assed like "Well if he is meant to be mine then the universe will bring him to me."  NO!  He is the air I would kill to breathe.  I want to breathe him again.  Like NOW.  I want to breathe him in again, noses nuzzled together being so close and kissy and good that we are breathing in each others air.  That is what I want forever.  He is so perfect and loving and good and he is the man I am meant to be with.  To kiss and touch.  To be touched.  To kiss.  He is the man I am meant to kiss, and he is meant to kiss me.  ME.  I know this.  I am meant to be his and his only.

I know James wants to kiss me.  I know it!

I have this wonderful child to love and take care of for the time being.  I have to suck it up and be strong knowing that James will be back with me.  I need to get back on the ball.  I've been faltering a little in certain areas because my heart- oh my heart!  I wish James could be back right now.  Right this very minute.  He is so cute and sweet and wonderful and my arms ache to hold him.  I am fighting hard to not derail.  I gotta focus on my real life stuff while holding tight to James in my heart.  I miss my love and wish we could be together soon and, note to self, my twin soul has shown me- he has SHOWN ME HIMSELF- to focus.  Focus focus focus.  I swear I know that not long ago when he contacted me he was telling me- he can't do this until the energy is right.  But he wants to.  That is key.  He wants to, and I am trying so hard to be patient and focused.  I swear all I can say right now is "God help me."  For real.  God help me because it is driving me nuts missing him and wanting him and loving him this much.  I am oh so ready to stay focused so this lovely and dear man can come back to me already.

I'm tired and wish anyone who is reading this well.

I love you my sweetheart.

Jennifer