August

I was reading through some of my old guidance and found where I was told that I was very specifically being shown what energy to "weave" into existence.

And sometimes that is a very daunting task, especially when the heart is involved.  I want good stuff to come to me simply because I am a good person.  And I am a good person.  So I wish good stuff could just come to me instead of me having to "think" it or choose it or "weave it into existence" or whatever it is I'm experiencing.  Honestly I am a good person.  I do good stuff.  I try to live a kind, peaceful loving life.  I am far from perfect but I do try to live my life with kindness.  I help others when I can.  I wish I had the happiness in my life that I long for, right now.

What energy to weave into existence.  Well, all I know is I want love in my life and I want that love to be with James.  I wish he was here right now.  I would much rather have him here with me, his arms around me every night, than to be feeling like I do right now.  No I don't want to focus on feeling sad or missing him but I DO miss him, and I just wish he was here.  Being with him feels much much better than being without him.

August is a challenging time for me.  I met James three years ago in August and we began talking at the beginning of the month, and yes it absolutely was the best time of my life.  Getting to know him was so much fun.  I never knew just knowing another human being could be so fun and joyful but it was with him.  And I remember all of that very vividly.  So not having him here even though I remember him so well makes me ache.  I ask God every night- where is James?  Why is he not here yet?  I want him back.  We are supposed to speak of what we want, right?  Well I want him here in my life.  Like I once had him.  We were good together.  We had a great relationship.  It was healthy and genuine and pure love.  Only goodness, seriously.  We had fun together.  We looked forward to seeing each other.  We treated each other well.  We were good to one another, and he was very good to me.  I was overwhelmed with how well he treated me.  It shocked me and I almost couldn't believe it.  I will admit at times I was even skeptical because he seemed too good to be true but overall I was totally head over heels in love with this cute adorable Atheist Geologist who walked into my life and swept me off my feet.

So now here it is three years later and I miss him like part of my heart is outside of my body somewhere.  And I know he misses me too.  No matter that there is this "quiet" or whatever- I know he loves me too.  If he didn't then he would not still be in contact with me.  I know this.  I know this is a divine situation, way different than most "real life" relationships, and I have to accept that fact and work with it, not against it.  But still I want him here with me, right now.

I need some coffee, BRB.

I may have only known him for a short period of time but before he left we were sitting on the couch cuddling and kissing and he looked me in the eyes and said, "It feels like we squeezed six years of love into six weeks."  It felt like so much longer.  Between the hours and hours spent kissing each other and then emailing, texting and talking constantly, and going out together here and there- we spent so much time together or connected that it felt like longer, and it was because we talked for a month before we actually met and started dating.  And sometimes you just know.  One meeting and two people can fall in love- it's what numerous books and movies are based on: love at first sight.  Well I knew the first time I laid eyes on him that I loved him already.  That huge smile, OMG.  He has the most brilliant smile.  James is just adorable.  He is perfect.

So my heart aches.  More now this time of year than ever, and this is my third go 'round now of August rolling around and me remembering him and being in this twin soul relationship.  I sat out on my deck for a bit last night looking up at the stars and remembering how I loved sitting out there talking with him on the phone, before we met.  How easy it was to talk to him.  Soon after we connected online he wanted to talk, and I liked that because normally guys just want to text forever, no phone calls.  Like it is too personal or something.  But James wanted to talk right away and he had me laughing immediately.  He is really a smart man and makes good conversation because he knows so much about stuff, just worldly stuff like education and science and religion and the earth- talking to him wasn't just "fluffy."  We had good deep conversations that were still fun and stimulating.  He stole my heart immediately, and he has this gentle sweet sexy voice.  Makes me melt.

But you must understand something- the huge contrast between then and now, being able to freely speak with him and the fact that he was always so eager to respond and talk with me compared to this quiet now- makes me insane.  It makes me totally insane because it is not REAL.  And maybe I am too stubborn for my own good but I DO want to connect again with my love and friend.  I want a friendly fun loving kind conversation with him!  I miss talking with him like we used to.  I want to know my friend again.  Of course I want to kiss him and hold him and everything.  I want it all, a life with him, together every day, a family, forever- but my GOD I ache to just know him again.  None of this is real or right so it frustrates the fuck out of me. 

So yeah, I miss him.  I miss him every single minute I am awake.  I wish he was back with me.  I wish we were back like we were then, three years ago.  He was so protective of my feelings.  I can't express enough how careful he was with me.  And I appreciated that considering my heart had already been through the wringer multiple times before I met him; I want tender and needed a gentle touch, and he gave that to me.  James would never want to hurt me or anyone at all.  Our first conversation concerned empathy and he said he is an empathetic person.  He told me that he feels being a good person means being empathetic and kind.  And that is true.  And he is.  He is very kind and caring, and he showed that to me over and over when we dated.  That is why I love him so much and have held on like I have.  Because he is worth it.

But right now is a challenge since I do "feel" him so much and this time of year highly reminds me of being happy with him.  And I wish to be happy with him again.  I want more of our late night conversations.  I want more of him sitting on my couch embracing me and kissing me for hours.  How he'd touch my face so gently, with his cute little smile, to bring me closer to him for a kiss.  OMG I miss his kisses so much, and I want to kiss him again, forever.  Trying to keep my spirits up can prove challenging.  When you love someone as much as I love him you want to BE TOGETHER with that person.  I ache to be with him.  I want to be with him badly and not having him in my life frustrates the fuck out of me and I have to constantly try to be tempered inside, not too upset.  It sometimes feels like God does not care at all that I ache.  Like here I am trying SO hard to watch my thoughts {I literally police my every thought these days} making sure to ONLY speak, write and even think TRUTH about my lovely little twin soul... and I want something, some positive change, right now.  It takes very little time for something I do or think or say or whatever negative to show up in my life so my expectation is when I focus on GOODNESS, love and truth then that should show up in my life just as quickly.  At least that's how it seems to me.  And I really am working on this.  I only want to focus on goodness and truth.  It is what's real.  Why focus on stupid fake shit?  I'd much rather focus on love and remember how sweet he was to me.  James deserves for me to remember him "rightly."  He was genuinely sweet and kind to me, over-the-top kind and loving, thoughtful.  It would be a disservice to him, to his generosity and kindness, to do anything but always remember his goodness, how wonderful he was to me AND my precious little boy.  Only hard part about that is thinking about him so much makes me ache since I miss him so it is a bit of a vicious circle of always trying to manage this aching missing him feeling while I am trying to only focus on the love we shared.

I just want him back, now.  Might sound demanding but it is what I want.  I want James in my life like he was before.  I want to be dating him and close and intimate with him again, my buddy, my lover, my friend.  I want to laugh with him while he is kissing me, looking into my eyes.  Some of the very last words he spoke to me before he walked out my door to move away were, "So are you going to look me in the eyes when we exchange our wedding vows?"  I know most people would have given up already and moved on to something "easier."  It has felt like a passing tempting option in the past but no.  Not me.  I can't do that.  I feel like he also wants to be with me so I have to keep moving forward until he is back with me and we can be together.  The love I experienced with him was not of this world and there is only one James.  No one else out there is this adorably sweet brilliant Atheist golf-loving Geologist who was so sweet to me and my child.  NO ONE.  Just everything about him, even his passion for science and the universe, makes me love him so much, and he is unique.

I just wish I could hear from him soon.  I feel angsty and unsettled and not fully at peace right now, and I am trying to live {tempered} with feeling like this.  Sometimes I get a little upset like- come on God, cut me some fucking slack already.  I want him back in my life.  I miss my friend so much.  I miss talking with my friend, laughing with my friend, kissing my friend and making love with my friend.  James IS my friend, right now.  Always has been.  I want my friend in my life.  I know he is meant to be here with me and my son.  I know he wants to be here with us, now.  So I wish with all my might that we can be together soon. 

Jennifer